Joe Walch sat down and took his mother's hand. He rubbed his thumb over her raw red knuckles. Her pained expression was like a stab in his heart.
Shit! That was a sick simile, he cursed internally.
Taking a deep breath, he quietly pleaded. "Ma, I want you to be happy for me. I'm happy for me. This is what I've been working towards."
"But why so far away? I need you... We need you..."
"I'll be four hours away not on the other side of the world. I need to get outta this town."
"But the kids..." She pleaded. She knew he felt the need to protect his younger sister and brother. They were really his half-siblings, but he always felt responsible for them. They never asked to be born into the dysfunctional mess.
"Ma, I didn't go away to school. I missed out on so much. All I've done for four years is study and work. I hate waiting tables and sucking up to jerks for a decent tip. I need a change. I need a life."
"Whitney's home now. You can have a life together."
"Ma, I don't love Whit."
Gayle Walch looked at her son with a shocked expression. "Of course you do. You've loved each other since you were fourteen."
"Exactly, we thought we did. We were younger than Leah is now." Joe's sister had just turned fifteen. "We might have thought it was love, but it wasn't."
What he and Whitney had was never love, but it was a need. They needed each other to navigate the crap which was their life. Hell, they used to debate whose family was more screwed up for really sick bragging rights. Having each other made it easier to deal with the shit. Everything Whitney represented was what he was moving away from.
Gayle frowned, "How do you know?"
"You mean besides the fact she dumped me? I still remember, even after those years you were with Garrett."
His mother eyes shut and her mouth sagged. He had done it. He had reminded her of life with his father. His own father had been gone for over sixteen years, but his mother had never stopped mourning. Joe's memories of him were just flashes like still photos or feelings. His mother smiling at his father, and his father kissing her goodbye were included in the slide show of his early life. He had always felt safe and secure in his parent's love before everything changed.
"You and Whitney can have a good life here. Maybe even give me some grandchildren someday."
"Ma, I'll never marry Whitney." He stood up. "I'm gonna be late for work."
When Joe walked onto the back porch toward his beat up Corolla his mother was dragging on her Virginia Slims and refused to return his goodbye.
Joe had a six-hour dinner shift ahead of him. He was a college graduate and hoped he'd never have to wait tables again. He had been working at the restaurant for seven years when he started as a dishwasher, then busboy and eventually waiter. At the end of the week, he would give his notice.
Joe knew what hard work was. He also knew what it was like to be poor. His mother worked at the hospital as a cleaner. She had to work evenings when the kids were little, because their father was a loser and a drunk.
Joe hated Garrett Gallagher and it was mutual. He preyed on Gayle when she was grieving. He was supposed to have been his father's best friend.
Joseph Walch, Senior was killed in the line of duty when some thug pulled a knife on him and sliced a carotid artery. He bled out of the street next to his cruiser. It was supposed to be a routine DUI stop. No one told Joe the details, but as soon as he was old enough he looked it up online. Old archived newspaper articles reported the details of the moment that broke his mother and changed his life forever.
Joe remembered the time after like it was a slow-motion movie — his mother breaking down over and over — a little boy who was lost and afraid, wondering when his daddy would come back — friends trying to help, but none more than Garrett. Garrett stepped up to console his mother. It was soon his job to mow the lawn of their tiny cape, fix leaky pipes and change the oil in the old Honda Accord.
Some best friend Garret was, because he consoled her right into her pants. Joe didn't understand why his father was gone and suddenly Garret was sleeping in his mother's bed where his father used to sleep. Joe might have accepted Garret, if he didn't yell at him and his mother. He didn't at first, but once it started it gradually became worse.
After Leah was born eleven months after Joe Senior had been killed, Garrett had grown impatient when Gayle cried. He had decided she should be happy with him and done mourning. Little seven year old, Joe made sure he only cried alone in his room, so Garrett wouldn't see him.
Joe was ten when Caleb was born and about six years later Garrett was arrested and thrown off the force for taking kickbacks. He had been protecting a club that was a front for illegal gambling and prostitution. Any illegal money he received never went to support the family. It was spent at the same business on booze and the illegal activities he had been paid to protect.
The scandal nearly broke his mother. In Joe's mind, the only smart thing she ever did was refuse to marry the bastard. Joe tried to blend into the walls at school, not wanting to be associated with the crooked cop whose crimes rocked their town. Serving only minor time, after his release, Garrett would show up unannounced, but eventually, those visits stopped. Joe kept an eye on Garrett's movements with the help of his father's other friend, Tommy, who was everything Garrett wasn't, including a detective. The last update Joe received, he was back behind bars in New Mexico on a drug charge.
Joe had been sitting in Tommy's kitchen when he updated him. His wife, Gina, served Joe pasta. Gina always fussed over him. Her two daughters were older and had gone away to college and hadn't come back, so all her maternal energy went to Joe.
When Joe told them about his job offer and plans to move to Portland, he confessed feeling guilty. "If I'm gone. I can't protect my mother and the kids if he comes back."
Tommy said, "He's not coming back. There's nothing for him, but a court order for back child support. Do you think he'll suddenly remember he's a father?"
Joe shook his head. Tommy always managed to help him see things clearer.
After a few minutes of silence, as they each ate using bread to sop up the excess sauce, Tommy sighed.
"Sometimes I wish there was no heaven. Christ my best friend must have thought he'd gone to hell, looking down and seeing your mother with that piece of shit."
That was another reason he liked Tommy. He hated Garrett too. "I always thought that shit was my father's best friend."
Tommy snorted. "Son, you're old enough to know the truth. Joe didn't trust him. Joe knew he had eyes for your mother going way back to when they first met. Your mother chose Joe, well because that's how love works. The minute your father was in the ground Garrett went to work on your mother. I tried to warn her, but she was too grief-stricken to comprehend.
"I don't know how he managed to get into a grieving widow's bed, but he did and trapped her by impregnating her. I know you love your sister and brother, but imagine how different your life could have been if she kept him out of her bed?"
"Maybe my mother would have found some happiness..."
"Take that as a lesson, be careful who you lie with. One wrong decision can ruin your life."
Joe confessed. "She doesn't want me to leave. Doesn't she understand I need to get away from my miserable life?"
Gina asked, "Why Maine?"
"My buddy, Owen went to school in Boston and met a girl from Maine. He convinced me to drive up over March break. During our visit, we decided we should look for jobs and live in Portland. We went back for a few interviews in June and got jobs. He found us an apartment as of August first. I'm going. I've been taking care of everyone for too long."
"You're right, Joey. It's your turn. It doesn't mean we won't miss you. Who am I going to cook for now?"
Joe laughed, because he was afraid he might cry. He wanted to say his sister and brother, but his mother hated Tommy and wouldn't allow them to visit. Joe was always close to Tommy and walked the two miles to visit on his own when his mother was too busy with Garrett to notice he was gone.
His mother gave him the silent treatment, and it would be so easy to let her guilt him into staying. In his head, he kept reminding himself it was time to start living.
He had given his notice at the restaurant after his shift and stayed to have a beer at the bar. He was later than usual when he pulled into his rutted driveway. The house was in dire need of some TLC, but his mother never had any money to spare on repairs.
He heard a screen door slam and looked in the direction and saw Whitney walking toward him from her house next door.
Her voice was loud in the quiet night. "Your mother just told me you're moving away!"
"Yeah. In two weeks I'll finally be out of this hole."
Whitney, like Owen, had been lucky enough to go away and experience college. She lived in the dorms and partied. While she was having the time of her life he was going to the university in town and looking out for his eleven-year-old brother.
Joe and Whitney went out most of high school. Halfway through senior year, she dumped him for a guy, who was a freshman at the university. He'd be lying to say it didn't hurt, but at least he avoided prom, since there was no way he could afford it — the tux, the flowers and everything else.
Over four years later, she shouldn't care where he was going, except when she'd come home on breaks they would occasionally hook up. In fact, Joe was pretty sure by the way she was eyeing him she had one thing on her mind.
"Whit, I'm tired. I'll see you later."
"Come on Joey, you know we're meant to be together."
Hell, it was hard to resist when two soft lips started kissing him. Before he knew it he was leaning against his shit box of a car and she was on her knees. He had no backbone when he'd been living the life of a monk, since their last time over Christmas.
In his mind he wondering where they could go — his backseat, his living room sofa, her room, when he remembered what Tommy had said. Lives were ruined by the wrong lay. He felt like a jerk, but he had to stop her. He could tell she was angry, but Whitney wasn't his future.