AU: No
Alrighty
Era/time period: near the beginning of Arc 2
Seems fair
Name: Lemming
I'm really sorry, but this is a decently common name. You should consider changing it.
Age: 11
Good age.
Sex: Female
Alright
Gender: Girl
Nice
Sexuality: Asexual, aromantic
Oo, Ace/aro character! Cool
Tribe: IceWings (Oh how typical)
Nah fam I love IceWings
Abilities: Serrated claws, frostbreath, seeing through glare... normal IceWing abilities
Good. I like that.
Rank: Outside the circles, but is a servant to Hoarfrost, a fourth-circle aristocrat.
Well, Hoarfrost (good name btw) should probably be third-circle. I'd definitely recommend third circle, or maybe even second circle because those seem more like dragons who would have servants, rather than fourth-circle. Fourth-circle seems a little bit close to middle class for IceWings; a bit too close for a noble who even has a servant.
Appearance: A stocky silver-white IceWing with a snout That is wider than usual and bright white underscales.
This is a little vague. What about accents/highlights? Hints of other colors? Eye color? A necklace that signified her rank as a servant? Wing membrane color? Any scars, or odd features?
Personality: Lemming is fairly resourceful, using what she can to do what she must, and she is fiercely loyal to not only the dragons she knows in the village where she grew up, but the IceWing peasants as a group. She feels emotions very strongly, particularly outrage, but learns quickly that she must not let them show too much if she wishes to keep her job. This leads to her reputation as a prickly but obedient servant.
Well, okay, but you need to flesh this out. Is she bitter? Reluctant? Sour about her rank? What does she feel to strangers? Is she impulsive? I'd imagine so, but you'd need to specify. There'd probably be more to a dragon then resourceful, loyal, and emotional. These are excellent traits, yes, but there are more to a dragon than this — add, say, two more positive traits and three more negative traits, and then branch those out and flesh them out. Maybe add a neutral trait or two in there. Lemming's personality needs more traits and it needs more details.
Backstory: Lemming was born to two IceWings living on the edge of the kingdom: Everest and Walrus.
Everest is fine — I've seen it once or twice maybe, but nothing worth taking points off. Walrus, however, is possibly the most overused IceWing family member name I've ever seen. I recommend changing Walrus's name to something else. Despite what it may seem, there are lots of available IceWing names.
When she was two, her village was firebombed by SkyWings (coming across the sea, not over the wall); luckily, Lemming, Everest, and Walrus were safe, as the main target had been closer to the center of the village. However, a young dragonet, slightly older than Lemming, had not been so lucky. The dragonet, Fuyu, had flew as fast as she could away as soon as the alarm was called; her parents, however, stayed in their house, trying to save all their possessions, but were unable to get away in time. Walrus and Everest decided they ought to take Fuyu in as their adopted daughter, and she and Lemming grew up together as best friends, though Lemming was a bit worried about the extent of Fuyu's ambition. They also had a friend named Reindeer in the fancier part of the neighborhood, and they would often hang out together; one day, when Lemming and Reindeer were around 10 years old, Reindeer got a letter from his family's friends in fourth circle inviting him to take a job as a servant.
Reindeer is also not very original, but I'll be nice and not take points off for it, simply because it's a really cool name and I love it so much. So I'll let it slide. This time.
Fuyu had developed a rather over-the-top attachment to Lemming, so, since Reindeer told her first, she decided, unbeknownst to Lemming, to take his invitation from him and give it to Lemming instead, washing out the marks where it said Reindeer's name and replacing it with Lemming. Reindeer wouldn't give his invitation to work for aristocracy up that easily, though; Fuyu cornered him and fought him for it, calling him a traitor to his people and wounding him to get the invitation away from him. After that, he left as soon as he could; no-one knows where he went, but Lemming could tell Fuyu was acting suspicious about it. The two had a falling-out just before Lemming left to work for Hoarfrost, with Lemming accusing Fuyu of somehow making Reindeer leave, and Fuyu, big surprise, ended up accusing Lemming of betraying her people as well. Lemming, Reindeer, and Fuyu had always had the idea that they were going to somehow launch a revolution to overthrow the IceWing queen and completely change the whole class system; working for Hoarfrost, Lemming gained access to all sorts of information about the circles and the IceWing class system, and realized that, especially without the support of her friends, she would not be able to change it in any way. Instead, she decided, she would try informing others so that they could change it. When she was done with her days' work, she would often write with whatever energy she had left. The first scroll she wrote, which she is currently working on copying by talon, is called The Gift of Supression.
... Wow.
Okay, now I want to know more! Is this where an RP starts? If so, I might totally be 100% on board with roleplaying with her, if that's okay.
Well, I love the backstory. Not really much else to say here; it's super interesting. It seems like it cut off for a possible RP, which I respect because it's the same thing for two of my own characters.
Residence: Formerly in a village on the eastern outskirts of the Ice Kingdom; currently staying in a room at Hoarfrost's house.
Okay, sounds good.
Family and friends:
Father: Walrus, a light purple-blue IceWing with an abnormally wide snout
Okay. Again, the name is a bit unoriginal because of how overused it is as one of those family members that don't really matter to the character's storyline. I recommend changing it.
Mother: Everest, a delicate silver-white IceWing
Okay
Adopted sister: Fuyu (name means winter in Japanese), a silvery IceWing with a long snout and large spikes
OHHH okay, thank you so much for clearing that up!! I had no idea wow. Also, original name, I love it
Lost friend: Reindeer, a smallish white IceWing with glasses
I love the description, even if you don't really mention the builds on any of them.
Employer: Hoarfrost, a large silver-white IceWing
I like the name, I don't think I've seen it before. Frost I've seen SO many times I may as well fall off a cliff if I see one more "Frost," so the added originality is appreciated.
Mate: N/A
Crush: N/A
Dragonets: N/A
Okay. That seems fair.
Overall Review:
The Good Parts::
— The backstory is really good
— The overall character is pretty good
The Bad Parts::
— The name isn't very original
— The rank wasn't... well, Lemming should be apart of the circle system, like all IceWings
— Hoarfrost's rank is a bit too close to middle-class for it to be realistic for him to have an actual servant
— The appearance is lacking a lot of important details
— The personality needs quite a bit of work — it mostly just needs more added to it.
— Walrus's name is a bit overused.
How To Improve + Suggestions:
For the name — You should probably replace Lemming's name with something else.
For Hoarfrost's rank — Hoarfrost should probably be closer to third or second circle rather than fourth circle, since the third and second circles are a lot more likely to have a servant. Fourth circle is a bit too close to middle class for it to make sense.
For the appearance — The appearance is lacking quite a few details; you never describe Lemming's wing membrane color, eye color, build, nada. It doesn't give me too much to work on. I also recommend some sign to represent her rank as a servant — perhaps a nonpermanent branding of sorts to signify to other dragons that she's a servant. Ooo, maybe there'd be a special badge or scroll that, when given to Storekeepers, and depending on how high up the servant's mistress/master is in the rankings (which would be included somewhere on the thing given to storekeepers), allow them a discount or to cut through the line. Just a suggestion, though, and mostly, I just want the main stuff: height, weight, build, etc.
For the personality — You need to add more traits and more details to your character's personality. Start with two more positive traits and three more negative traits; add details.
For Walrus's name — I'd suggest removing the name Walrus and replacing it with something else.
My Rating:
9/10
Originality: 23/25 (1 point knocked off for Lemming's name, 1 point knocked off for Walrus's name)
Realism: 22/25 (1 point knocked off for Hoarfrost's rank, 2 points knocked off for the lack of traits in the personality)
Interest: 20/25 (5 points knocked off for the lack of details in the personality + appearance)
Uniqueness: 25/25 (This character is very unique)