❝YOU GOT BANGS.❞
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IT WAS SO HARD AT FIRST, SO HARD. It seems to always be that way for Carmen and Bucky, now doesn't it? They just can't seem to grasp the love they deserve to have. Instead, the world of evil gets in the way, at first, it was David Earl and Red skull, and the war itself, and when it finally seemed to get ahold of itself and they kissed, Bucky fell to what they assumed was his death. The second time they both got in the way, for Carmen is afraid of scaring him away, because he's fragile, and Bucky is still trying to grasp the thought of life before being brainwashed. So yeah it was hard, and it still is, but not quite as hard. For he's made good progress, a progress that Carmen didn't force on him. She would never take credit for what he's done, because Carmen was in his position at one point. And it's the most beautiful thing.
Bucky Barnes is saving himself, for only himself.
It simply started during one of the first days they ran off together and went into hiding. For no one knows more about going into hiding than Carmen and Theo, but in this case, it's only Carmen. Anyway, she had come back from the store where she simply tossed him a journal and said, 'whatever you remember or whatever you feel, write it down. You don't need to tell me, and I won't ever look inside, this is for you and only you.' It was at the point where he wouldn't speak still. During that time where not a word would be said by him, Carmen would usually still talk. She would talk about stupid things, not even trying to trigger his memories, just things that made her laugh or happy, in hopes he'd feel the same.
She'd speak about being a young girl and first getting into swimming, how it felt, and how much she misses it. Carmen would laugh in public about the silly disguises they were in or the people she saw in the street with him. He never found it funny, it never made Bucky happy. But he didn't part from her, because he wouldn't say it but he enjoys her company. Carmen makes him feel more than just the broken and manipulated heart that he is, or that he at least thinks he is. She didn't know it, but she was helping him more than ever. Bucky never wrote in the journal in front of her, but it was filled with so many emotions and some memories he gained. None that he could recall with her, at least that's what he thought. But they were memories nonetheless so they had to of meant something. If Carmen knew this, it'd mean everything.
But it wasn't until the first time he spoke that really changed it all. It changed more than anyone could know, and Carmen who was still happy to be just with him - even without him speaking - became even happier to be with him, and she would laugh; this time Bucky laughed and was happy too. But anyway, the first time he spoke, Carmen was attempting to make dinner for them. Typically it would be either something they bought while out, but tonight she decided she wanted to make some soup with bread and butter, meanwhile, Bucky was in his small room of the abandoned apartment - Carmen gave him the master bedroom that wasn't all that big at all, but still bigger than the child room she had - was writing in the journal.
He recalled a memory of liking a girl and gushing about her to Steve and sometimes a little boy he couldn't quite remember or recognize, but this girl was his everything back then. He remembered being so in love with her but being too scared and nervous to actually tell her. Until he did, and she loved him, and they kissed. It was a good memory to remember, he even had a small and quick smile.
It didn't mean much, because he figured the girl is dead and there was no way he'd ever see her. Well, that was until Bucky remembered her face, it was all too familiar, except she at the time, didn't have bangs. He used to love Carmen, but he felt that was too headstrong to say. So instead he walked out of his room, and for a second watched Carmen who hummed a tune while spreading butter on a piece of bread. "You got bangs," he had simply stated. But it was enough for Carmen to look up and drop the butter knife, and hear it clank onto the floor. Carmen simply smiled and nodded, "yeah I did." Then Bucky just walked back into his room, like nothing happened. He left Carmen standing there, just looking where he once stood, and she simply just smiled.
This was the start of his trust really falling into Carmen, she'd no longer talk and get no response. He'd always respond, because yeah his head is still fuzzy on the memories but the people he does remember a lot of, Bucky does trust. He trusts Steve too but in all honesty Carmen a bit more. At the moment at least, because he trusted her back then, and now he trusts her again today. Bucky figured a long time ago that if Carmen wanted him dead, she'd kill him by now. So it made it easy. But there was one night that Bucky knew he could confide in her more than anyone he'd ever meet. He was having another nightmare, and typically Carmen would come in and help but Bucky would never let her get close enough, he was too afraid he'd hurt her.
But something that night wasn't the same. She'd come in and no words were exchanged she just simply sat at the edge of his bed and hugged him, he was so hesitant but he hugged back. And for one night only, he was James Buchanan Barnes, for one night only he was fully back. He had whispered in Carmen's ear as they hugged, "I was in love with you." Maybe he was saying he still does love her, now, right now, today. But she wasn't sure, and Bucky wasn't quite sure either. But Carmen didn't ask for she just replied,' "I was in love with you too." And like stated before, for one night only he was back fully and the two kissed and had a night for them. They stayed up all night just being happy. They haven't spoken about that night since, but they both think about it more than they'd like to admit. How much this night will change their lives soon enough...
For those were the good days. The days the two would look back at when Bucky has regained his memories, and just enjoy. But like said, it was so hard. Because there were days with happiness, but then there are days where Bucky had become a bit stubborn, he always had episodes like that. This is not a bad thing at all, it's just that his mind has been so manipulated but Hydra that he gets confused and doesn't know who to trust or what to do. Perhaps it's the fear that he'll be brainwashed again, so he starts to believe that he has 'missions' still. Today, he is having one of the episodes.
Bucky threw a kitchen knife towards Carmen, which she quickly dodged and looked at him with wide eyes, "what the hell?!" She yelled at him before running forward and slamming her head into his stomach so they both fell onto the floor. Bucky grabbed a chunk of her hair and pulled it. Carmen gasped, and put her hands on his face and slapped both his cheeks harshly. He let go of her hair and she quickly took that time to grab his wrists and place them above his head, "dude! It's Carmen!"
"My mission..." he growled, squirming under her. You'd think with him having a metal arm and all he'd be much stronger than her, but then again, the two were trained by the same people.
"No! Carmen! Carmen Ripley!... you psycho!"
"Carmen? Carmen Ripley?" Bucky questioned avoiding eye contact now, "I know that name..."
Carmen gave him an 'okay-you-freak' look, "I am that name!"
Bucky now made eye contact with her and softened at her touch, this made Carmen let out a sigh of relief and let his wrists go. She got ready to stand up but Bucky pulled her back down to his lap again. "Carmen," he said, "we used to be in love..."
Carmen scoffed and stood up for real this time, "okay drama queen get up, we've already gone through this."
Bucky followed her up, he gave her a questioning look before his eyes went wide and he covered his mouth in shock, "I did it again, didn't I?" Carmen laughed at his response and he cleared his throat, once again going serious. "I'm sorry."
Times like this frustrated Carmen, she couldn't lie. Sometimes she wished she could go back in time knowing what she knows now and made sure Bucky never fell off that train, make sure Louie never got kidnapped, made sure Louie and her mom never died, made sure she was never given the shot. But where would that leave Steve? He was miserable when he wasn't a hero. More importantly to Carmen... where would that leave Theo? She doesn't know what she'd do without Theo, that girl is her rock and best friend. Yeah, she would've still had Bucky and Steve, but a life without Theo? Carmen isn't sure that's a life at all.
Despite all she's been through with Bucky and Steve she's been through more with Theo. One hundred years worth of things with Theo. Theo was there when Louie died, Theo was there when Carmen first got the shot, Theo was there when she killed David, Theo was always there. So, to come to think of it; no. Carmen wouldn't go back and change a single thing. The love she has with Theo is different than the love she has with Steve, and certainly Bucky.
Carmen sighed, moving some hair from her face. "Don't apologize. I get it — trust me."
Bucky nodded, and there it was; silence. Silence with Bucky became a familiar sound to Carmen. You'd think it'd be hard for her to love a man who hardly speaks, but if you could see the way Bucky stared at her; you'd be in love too. Besides, she did get it. After escaping Hydra often times Theo and Carmen would get into arguments about things like that, they trusted nobody but each other for a very long time.
Carmen looked down at her hands and fiddled with them. It was silent for a few moments before hearing Bucky speak up, "who's Louie?" Immediately Carmen lifted her head up in shock. She saw Bucky with his journal in his lap and a pencil in his hand. The girl had her mouth open but nothing would come out, nothing could come out. The utter shock she felt in that moment was beyond compare, and don't get her on the heartbreak she felt. The last person to ask her about Louie was Steve and that was before they knew Bucky was even alive still. And right now, Bucky Barnes was the last person Carmen thought would ask.
Bucky noticed her hesitation, and cleared his throat, awkwardly looking down. "I remember a boy named Louie, with a stutter. I keep having flashes of him with us... who is he?"
"My brother," Carmen smiled, "he looked up to you so much. You were like his hero."
'Hero.' Bucky thought but only responded to Carmen with another small nod. He hid his smile but looking at his journal once more. His thought erupting in thoughts of being seen as a hero. He wasn't sure that was even possible. Bucky figured everyone saw himself as the villain — including himself. But maybe he was wrong this whole time, maybe a hero can be in any form. Including himself, maybe this is the time to try and redeem himself and be a hero. Finally, Bucky let his smile show and looked up at Carmen who looked down at a newspaper. If he's a hero maybe someone will love him again. The same way he loves his hero.
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I KNOW IT'S BEEN SO LONG AND IM AM SO SORRY!
ALSO IM SORRY FOR HOW LAME, BORING, AND SHORT THIS CHAPTER IS! IT'S MORE OF A FILLER BUT GUESS WHAT; WE DIVE INTO THE MOVIE NEXT CHAPTER!
EXPECT MORE UPDATES ON THIS STORY, I'M READY TO GET THIS STORY DONE AND WRAP UP BARMENS STORY DESPITE THEM BEING MY BABIES!
ALSO I NO LONGER WRITE AUTHORS NOTES AFTER EVERY CHAPTER UNLESS I FIND IT IMPORTANT!
I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!
MELANIE.