For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
- Isaiah 55:8-9
The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.
- Ernest Hemingway
"Goodbye, Ada!" chimed a little elfling from the doorway, struggling to maintain a cheerful expression though her heart broke within her.
Her father turned back, observing the fear and sadness deep in her eyes, and he smiled to himself. The love of a child was so pure and innocent, so precious. He strode back to where she sat forlornly on the steps of the house, taking his little daughter in his arms.
All the fear that had waxed strong in her melted away, and her small arms went round his neck, nearly strangling him.
"Now, Anneth," he gently said, "I will return. You will manage with Nana."
Anneth's lips smiled, but her eyes grew wider still.
"But what if you don't come back?" she inquired, large grey-green eyes bewildered. "Nana," called she, "what if Ada doesn't return?" Tears filled her eyes, and she clung weakly to her father.
Her mother came out, heart warmed by the sight before her. "Voronwe, I thought you were departing now."
Voronwe smiled at his wife, then at his daughter. "I was, only Anneth was frightened. I would not leave her in such a state."
"You will come back, Ada?"
"Yes, iell, I shall. I swear it."
"Ada, Nana says swearing is bad!"
He chuckled, gently tugging on Anneth's small braid. "Alright then, henig, I promise you I will return."
The answer given him was a bright grin from his only daughter, along with a sloppy kiss on the cheek. He kissed her forehead and tossed her in the air once, catching her easily. Anneth gasped and then giggled, hugging her father's neck tightly.
And so went Voronwe's daily routine each morning as he departed. Anneth would sadly watch him leave, he would turn and promise to come back, and she would reprimand him for swearing.
This went on for as long as Voronwe could promise to return to his wife, son, and daughter, long enough to see the birth of another daughter. Yet soon he no longer could swear to return, for outside Imladris, no protection or safety could be guaranteed.
Voronwe was assigned to supervise the patrols outside Rivendell's borders, thrice each week. And when he departed on each of those days, he could not bring himself to make a promise he may not be able to uphold. In truth, he never could promise to return, for there are none that can.
We cannot tell our fates, we do not know what a day shall hold, what troubles we shall encounter. 'Tis impossible to tell with great certainty what one shall see in their life. Though we might wish to know what the future shall bring us, though we long to see what the coming time will strike us with, we will not know, for there is but one who does know.
Only one, and His ways are not ours, they are higher, greater.
This Anneth was forced to remember when her father died, when his soul departed from Ennorath, never to return.
It was a principle that remained in her heart when her brother was also taken from her, a principle that would behoove us all to take into account.
"Tomorrow morning, I depart," Laineth says, her voice seeming far away, my mind clouded.
"Yes."
"Will you bid me farewell, sister?" she asks, humour in her voice.
"Yes, I will," I reply absentmindedly.
"Are you listening to me?"
I nod. "Yes, of course."
"What is wrong?"
I shake my head. "Nothing."
She slams her fist on the dining table.
"Authiel! For goodness' sake! Will you cease these mindless answers?!" She groans in frustration." What is happening to you?"
I jump in my seat slightly, unfazed.
"Sister, what ever has gone wrong? What has gone ill?" her voice comes out gentler this time, calmer than it just was.
I am suddenly broken from my haze, meeting her eyes weakly. "Everything is wrong!" I find myself exclaiming, my back hitting the back of my chair with great force, despite the dull weakness I feel within me.
It is Laineth's turn to leap in surprise.
"You did not need to yell–"
I lose all the passion that I had put in my last words, weakly responding, "I know, forgive me, sister. Everything is wrong, Laineth, regardless of how childish it may sound."
She smiles slightly, and I slump in my seat, without strength to sit properly.
"Truthfully, I wish not to think of my departure, for I wish to go, and I must go, but I have not the desire to imagine how you might feel, Authiel."
"Oh, worry not for me, Laineth, I have long been alone," I answer, laughing quietly.
She smiles, she answers, "You have, but 'tis neither my wish or yours that you would continue to live so. And what of your prince! What–became of him."
The smile that had made its way onto my face disappears at the mention of Legolas.
"Nothing became of him, Laineth. He is merely gone now, departed with my silly fancy."
"Your silly fancy? That is what you now call it?" asks Laineth, with an expression of pure incredulousness. "Authiel, you were in love with him! Do you now expect that to easily dissipate, never to return?"
Are. Not were.
"It was foolish."
"Not if he returned your feelings."
Why has my younger sister become as if she is older than me now? I smile internally.
"Laineth," I say, glancing up at the wood ceiling, "he gave me no sign or hope that he loved me also."
As soon as the words leave my lips, I am reminded of his kiss. That itself is enough for me to entertain hope to lengths that I find foolish. Yet somehow it seems only proper that it might be so.
"You are lying. Would you just, please, tell me? After all, I shall be gone by this time tomorrow."
I sigh, for her words are true. This is the only time left to us until she leaves, unless I am to leave with her, and I can do no such thing.
"I tried to kiss him."
Laineth gasps. "Did you really? I should have never imagined you to do such a thing! Oh, you truly have a gift to dig yourself into an eternally deep hole."
And somehow, still, my younger sister regards me with a sort of knowing look.
My cheeks warm, and I glance out the nearest window inconspicuously.
"He stood still as a immovable stone. I turned to leave. He kissed me," I say stiffly, wringing my hands like a child in the midst of a lecture would.
Her mouth falls open, and she smiles knowingly.
"I suspected as much."
"Why? You were not even there, sister, what should cause you to think so?"
She rolls her eyes. "Are you truly asking that question of me?"
I only nod.
"You may be older and wiser than me, sister, but now I am amazed at your inability to simply observe! The actions Prince of Mirkwood were enough to insinuate he fancied you, at the very least. We, Amarwe and I, attempted to dissuade you, only to find there was hope." She looks directly in my eyes, not faltering with her words. "It would bring me no surprise if his return brought a grand confession of love.."
A grin spreads across her face before slowly fading.
"I shall miss your presence, Laineth, and your advice also. Whatever am I to do without your insight?"
"You have Nana's. Besides, you are older than I, and your insight reaches farther than mine."
Sighing, I wistfully look at my feet. "My wisdom, what little I have, is useless when applied to current circumstances, Laineth. 'Tis not as if I have fallen in love once before."
"Oh, why do I leave now when you need me most?"
"Because you have felt the call of the Sea, sister, and my own feelings and problems will not keep you from Elvenhome, for I will not permit them to. I can manage myself."
"You have always been so unselfish, sister, and that I will always admire."
I laugh, a bitter, unhumored sound. "No, I have been far too selfish, clinging to dreams that are nothing more than fantasy when Nana could have been reunited with Ada for many years already. I have forgotten friends of my childhood, I have made my own wishes my main concern of late, paying little mind to what you are in need of."
"Authiel, you nearly gave your life to save my husband! I would never think to ask more, or even that, of you!"
"'Twas my failure as a friend and sister in recent years that drove me to do that. It was the least I could do to pay my debts. Even so, the actions I took to do so were thoughtless and foolish."
"And regardless, forever shall I remember it."
"My hope is that you should remember that over the countless mortifying things I have done," I reply, with a smile.
"Worry not, sister, for I shall never forget the oath you took as a young elleth to wait on the prince if such a possibility arose. How desperate you must have been to see him! To think that you really would fall in love with him..."
I let out a weak laugh.
It is rather funny, I must admit, despite the rather staggering ache that will not leave.
"Now you sound much like I did in my moments of horrific fancy. Some imagination is good, but to allow dreams to become master over you is wholly undesirable. I struggle to rule over my dreams, for I wish to surrender myself to the myriad fantasies in my mind."
"At times I know you to be older than I and wiser, and other moments I imagine that you are really half your age. I suppose it is because you have held to your dreams so," she says, shaking her head. "I myself have had all my dreams fulfilled, and it weighs in my heart to know that you have had none come true."
"Yes, I have. I fell in love with a prince, you forget that," I supply, contradicting her claim.
"Oh, but it was not happy, Authiel. 'Tis the perfect stuff of tragic tales, sister!"
I shrug. "Perhaps you are correct, but my wish still was given me. And never is hope utterly lost, difficult as it is for me to believe it now."
The remainder of the night is spent in silence, my thoughts restless, though my body be weak. Laineth falls asleep, and her husband carries her away. I merely sit solemnly at the dining table, wondering of the identity of the people who shall dine here next.
I feel weak, empty, and lacking, longing for something within my grasp and yet far out of my reach.
Oh, Eru! I shall make no bargains, but a simple petition, a request that You bring Legolas through this peril unharmed. That he would be returned to those he loves, to where he is destined to be, even if it is far from me. And that Your own will would prevail in my life, separate from my dreams, plans, and wishes. Above them and transcending the things I have crafted myself. Whatever it is that you wish to teach my spirit, my fickle heart, I will accept wholeheartedly, for You know what shall prosper me.
I will be content.
Not commonplace, no.
Content.
The sudden sound of harshly exclaimed orders fills my ears. I lift my head to see a still figure laid on a stretcher, bearing a pallid face touched and marked by death. A strong jaw, small nose, and green eyes all mark him as my brother, my one elder sibling. A scar is visible on his hand from where I once slashed him with Ada's sword. There is no blood, no wounds on him, but the truth is evident.
He is dead.
I reach out to touch his still face, my finger brushing briefly against his nose, but the body disappears, hastily borne away by the arms of strong, dark-haired warriors.
Men run by, carrying the drooping body of an ellon, bandages wrapped round his midsection. He cries for his eldest daughter, yelling my name. Ada.
The sound of orders grows louder, hooves clang against the stone floor as another sort of pallet is carried into my view. Blond hair spills off the sides where the head is, blood drips from the canvas holding body.
Craning my head, I glimpse a bloodied body, broken arrows lying on the chest, face indiscernible from the layers of blood coated about it. The only features visible were high cheekbones and shining golden hair.
"Send word to the Elvenking that his son has fallen!"
Legolas.
When I reach out this time, I lay my palm on his cold cheek, swallowing back tears and vomit as the disturbing feel of coagulating blood meets my hand.
He gasps for air once, his lips a sickly bluish colour as they reach for oxygen. His body stills.
I follow as they carry him away, watching as his rigid, dead form joins my father and brother someplace beyond the trees. As soon as I believe I have found where they laid them, I am swept back to where I was before.
Twins pass by, clinging to one another for dear life, as if the other will provide them with what they lack. They both fall dead and are carried off.
Two ellith are carried by, both held in one stretcher, shining brown hair tangled, and green eyes dully glowing behind heavy lids.
My sisters.
And then one stumbling elf passes by, impossibly long, dark hair plaited to absolute loveliness, a pretty, russet gown draped about her, covered in black and crimson blood.
Her faded grey eyes meet mine, and as she calls my name in a melodious voice, she falls and crumples on the stone floor, stiffening with death.
Elves come and bear her away to wherever they keep the dead.
Suddenly the reality of it strikes me. Ada, Voronen, Legolas, the twins, Amarwe, Laineth, Nana–all those I love.
I watch numbly as one more figure is dragged by, a slim, girlish figure, my dearest young friend Nellethiel.
They have all died, leaving me imprisoned in a world without them. A place alone, full of emptiness, without a companion, with no comfort, no wisdom, no laughter. There is no family for me, no love. I attempt to fall to the ground and weep, cry, but painful force pushes me up, choking me so that my tears and sobs will remain quieted and trapped within my throat.
My eyes cannot even be closed for a moment to allow me some peace, some escape. Invisible fingers hold my eyes wide open, demanding that I watch as their forms now suddenly appear before me, bloodied and broken. The horrible, nauseating smell of fetid blood shoves itself up my nostrils, quickly replaced by the dreamy scent of spring blossoms and fragrant spices. Gore falls away from each of them, leaving them clean.
A smile grows on my face.
Legolas approaches me with quick steps, grabbing my hand and pressing one fierce kiss to it before gathering me close and kissing me ardently. His arms wrap around my waist tightly, pulling me against him, his lips never leaving mine. And then he pushes me away, laughing and shaking his head, pure disdain in his eyes.
He collapses to the ground, dead. Bodies surround me, the putrid smell returns, and again they are all fallen and cold, far from me.
I cry aloud, though none hear me, for bodies now stretch for miles around.
Unseen fingers enclose around my throat, choking me so that I may die, yet still I live.
Tears stream down my face, but no sob can come out, and my arms are tied to my sides, my feet strapped to the earth.
I struggle with no avail and everything seems to close around me.
Two hands grip my shoulders and shake me; my name echoes around me.
The image fades, and instead I see the polished ebony wood of a dining table, Laineth holding my shoulders.
"Authiel!" she cries. "Are you well? You were in such a deep sleep you could not even see me!"
I breathe heavily, gripping tightly the sides of the chair on which I am seated.
"I must go now," she says.
Her eyes are joyful and full of anticipation, but I am sure mine are as disquieted as they ever have been.
I stand, throwing my arms around her frame and embracing her.
"You found it necessary to be taller than I, did you not, sister?"
Laineth laughs and smiles
"I could not best you in any other aspect so I looked to be taller than you, and clearly succeeded."
I smile.
She walks out the door, her husband behind her. I follow her silently, the events of the terrible dream still etched in my mind.
"That we would not sail together was never a possibility my mind conjured when we were younger," Laineth says to me, her eyes shining brightly in the dark of the early morn.
"'Tis not at all right that my little sister should leave me. It was meant to be the other way."
She laughs.
"Well, Authiel, I would that we might leave together; however, you have a prince to wait for. My only regret shall be that I cannot attend the wedding." Her eyes twinkle almost mischievously.
I open my mouth to utter a protest, but she speaks nigh instantly, saying, "I wish not to hear your utterly idiotic denials, sister. If the Company is victorious, then I shall expect that when I see you next, you will be a princess." Again I seek to refute her claims, and she glares at me.
"I am your elder, Laineth," I say, "I will utter my denials if I find it fit to do so. I do not need your leave."
"Oh, but you can be so stubborn!" she exclaims.
Tears well in her eyes, and I too find myself with tears marring my vision. She throws herself in my arms, holding tightly, reminding me of when she was a small elfling listening to the hilariously fanciful stories I conjured up for her.
"This is where we part, Authiel. Farewell, my dearest sister."
"I always knew I was most dear to you, being the eldest."
She smiles brightly, despite the tears falling down her face.
"Until we next meet, little sister," I say quietly through tears.
Despite my addressing her diminutively, she grins at me, acutely aware of the enjoyment she finds the fact that she is taller than I.
"Quiet, sister," I whisper through tears, "I know what it is you think. I am still older."
"I am taller."
"Even when you offer me advice greater than anything I could come up with on my own, still you are my younger sister."
"Oh, do be quiet!"
I only smile feebly and watch as she and her family join a growing line of elves that are to sail. All are dressed an ethereal blue, their lamps casting brilliant glows about them in the dimly lit morning.
Slowly they begin to walk, a procession as solemn as a funeral and yet far more joyous.
My heart clenches painfully and my smile fades dimly.
A song comes forth from their lips, and as my sister looks back at me once, I know she would wish that her life be no other way. The joy and happiness seen in her eyes is sufficient to restore the smile to my face as their song swirls around me, blending with the Song itself, the Song both nature and our very souls sing.
I wish to weep, to fling something in my sorrow, hear it clang against the hard bark of a tree or the smooth texture of the stone pavement.
In the East the Sun rises, as it always has. The birds begin to sing their song, as they always have. A patrol returns to be replaced by a new party, a routine that has gone on for centuries.
People rise from their slumber, awakening to attend to their chores. Young children rush to their lessons, and still boyish ellyn march confidently to their training, ready to subject themselves to countless exercises in order to strengthen themselves for combat, should they ever need such a skill.
As the morn last was, this one is, completely ordinary, life continuing on as it has for all eternity, even if there is a growing threat in Mordor.
I do not suppose it will continue to be so routine now that the Company of the Ring has departed. Things are being set in motion all about us, war looms threateningly over us all, whether we choose to accept such a fact or not.
'Tis true that many in Imladris have not yet felt the consequence of Sauron's rising strength, nor of his ruthless attacks. And it is also true that many have departed and will continue to do so. There is no place for us in this world, for the power of the Elves grows weaker. Those who remain will soon sail from these shores, for the Sea now beckons them home, calling them. To refuse her song, her call, would be foolish.
Much has changed for this world, these lands I call my home. I do not wish to see them fall, nor evil cover them like a wet cloth meant to suffocate all that is good, but neither will I flee.
I remain here because I have not yet heard the Sea's call, and because I cannot leave, bound here by my lost heart that is held in the hands of a prince whose steps take him nearer to Orodruin, the mountain of fire, each day.
Never did I believe for a single fleeting moment that I would love him. In fact, I worked so hard to despise him, to elude what I foresaw. But I could not resist it, it seems. Perhaps it was meant to happen, inevitable and my destiny. At the very instant I met his eyes in my stupid guise of a servant girl, my heart was lost. And the instant he held me in his arms, I found my heart again, only to realise I could not take it back. It was his now, and I loved him.
I reach down and pluck a flower from the ground, admiring its gleaming, golden petals. I clench it in my hand, turning around and walking home, where I have not been since the night last.
The sound of the birds' morning song illuminates my ears, chiming happily away in the chilly, wintry breeze. The notes drift along the wind, mingling with the softly floating leaves that meet the stone floor with a quiet crackle.
Nana stands in the doorway when I arrive, her brown hair blowing in the gentle wind.
"You saw Laineth off?" she asks.
I nod, not bothering to inquire as to why she did not go.
"You wonder why I did not go."
I nod again.
She sighs.
"Authiel, I cannot bear to watch my daughters go, else I would follow them. I cannot follow them either, for I have vowed to remain until you are wed."
"Then you will wait for a long, long while, Nana. I do not wish for you to endure that."
"Oh, iell! 'Tis my own choice, do you see not? I would not have you marry without the guidance of a parent, Anneth."
I smile weakly, embracing my mother.
"You have endured much these past days, and it breaks me to see you so troubled and sorrowful. But take heart, iell nin, and do not fail to cling to hope, nor forget to learn from each trial."
"It was horrible, Nana," I confess quietly. "I fled when the Company departed and then watched as Laineth left. And the night last brought me the worst of night terrors."
"Daughter mine, what drove you to flee?" inquires she, a bit amused.
"I tried to kiss Legolas in a moment of insanity, and he appeared so utterly appalled and terrified, I turned to leave, and then he kissed me and appeared guilty for that also. What else was I to do?"
Nana only pulls me closer, not laughing as I imagined she might. "You must be perfectly miserable, iell, and understandably so."
"I feel like a child," I complain, adopting the tone of a disgruntled elfling, "and yes, I am terribly miserable and slightly terrified."
Groaning irritably, I pull away from my mother and drop my hands heavily at my sides.
"You are rather naive concerning such matters, and I fault you not for that. I do not believe there is such little hope that you grant yourself, Authiel. An honourable, well-mannered ellon like your prince would not kiss an elleth flippantly. He would have a very good reason to do so. And there is but one acceptable reason."
I ponder her words for a moment before vocalising my confusion. She only laughs and touches my cheek, smiling.
"You understand, Authiel; it is only a guise that you are confused." A moment she takes to think. "It is only your fear that keeps you from understanding fully."
is this *gasp* an update???????
yEs it is
why am i so bad at this i swear two years ago your girl wAs on TOP of it and i updated twice a week what happened man
hope you guys have great rest of your week <3333
may your pantries be full of lembas bread as i go to find the Sun
- nessssssss