Trigger Warning: Cherish very graphically describes what happened to her. It is slimy and it is violent. To be honest it takes up most of the chapter, so if this is something that will bother/trigger you, just skip this chapter.
Monday mornings were always brutal on her, but this one seemed a hundred times more brutal than any of the others had been. She had tried to convince herself to stay home, but that would have done no good. She needed to talk to them. Pulling into a parking spot in front of the school, Cherish pulled the baseball cap further down over her head.
No, she hadn't reverted to her sloppy uncaring way of dressing. She was merely hiding her face from anyone she didn't want to talk to. Not that the hat would help at all. Slinking out of her car and across the parking lot, she scanned the bike racks for Harper or Delia, but didn't see them. She wanted to look for Ian, but that would mean seeing Seven as well, and she wasn't quite sure she was ready for that.
"Hey, Cherish." Startled by the greeting she spun to see Dan, and with a frown she looked away and continued walking. He didn't let her deter him and was soon following her, "I wanted to, uh... I'm sorry about the other night."
Cherish didn't acknowledge him any more now than she had when he'd said hi.
"I just didn't think you two were together. I thought he was lying to get rid of me, you know?"
Cherish stalled at the doorway to the stairwell; she had to go downstairs to her locker and didn't really want Dan to follow her. He took her pause as an invitation to babble some more, "I was wondering if maybe, sometime, you'd like to-"
"No, I'm not going to fuck you, Dan, so you can stop trying," she said flatly and left him standing there. Her only hope if he followed her, was the fact that Seven would be downstairs by his locker. She frowned at the fact that Seven was her first thought in this situation. When had she started thinking of him as anything more than the boy she'd convinced herself to hate?
-.-
She didn't stay in class long, too lost in her own drama to focus on Mr. Hennessy's lecture.
"What am I doing?" she muttered to herself as she wandered through the hallways.
"Delia was right," she sighed as she sat heavily against a bank of lockers. Digging her wallet out of her bag, she pulled out her overstuffed picture holder and stared at the tiny picture of Len. Len had always made everything seem so much easier than it was. Cherish had spent so much of her time dwelling on the fact that Len wasn't around to help her out anymore when she should have been helping herself.
In fact, now that she thought about it, she'd spent so much time dwelling over Len that she hadn't even noticed herself spending time with the guys. New guys.
If she had moved here for any other reason, she wouldn't have let the guys even talk to her. She wouldn't have sat in some corner of the school with them where no one could see her. She would never have become friends with Ian. She would never have gone over to his house, even if it were only to spend time with Allie. There would have been no Allie to spend time with, really, because she never would have met her.
After that guy, after he'd hurt her, she'd been so weary of making new male friends that she just didn't. She was fine with her boys, the ones she knew were taken, or so much like brothers to her that they'd never think of her as a girl.
As the thought crossed her mind, she realised that whether she liked it or not she had in fact let the guys become her friends. Ian and Juss and even in some strange way, Seven. And Ian, of all people had been willing to leave her alone, because she'd told him to, because she'd told him she couldn't deal with friends after Len. The fact that they were friends now was because of her, because she'd started to treat them like friends.
She'd let Ian put her back together so many times when she'd needed it. He'd been there when she'd needed him, when she said she hadn't wanted him, and even when she wasn't willing to let him be there. In fact, she'd been nothing short of terrible to him over and over again. Stuffing her things back into her bag, she got up and rushed to the math wing of the school.
Outside Ian's classroom she made every attempt to get his attention. Other students were smirking at her as she waved her arms, made faces and jumped up and down. The chubby woman at the front of the room was quite oblivious to the fact that most of her class found the girl in the hallway more interesting than her lesson. After about five minutes, one of the girls took pity on her and tapped his shoulder, nodding her head towards the door. Ian glanced at the door in confusion and smiled lightly when he saw Cherish.
"Geez!" Cherish rolled her eyes and motioned for Ian to come out and join her. "I need to talk to you," she mouthed exaggeratedly.
Ian's brow furrowed as he shook his head and pointed at the front of the room where his teacher was scribbling equations across the blackboard. Deciding she couldn't continue to stand there being giggled at by Ian's classmates, Cherish shouldered her bag with determination and swung the door to his class open. She was across the room before the teacher had a chance to ask what was going on. Grabbing Ian's elbow, she yanked him up out of his chair.
"What the- ?"
Cherish picked his things up easily, flicking his books under her arm while she shoved him away from the desk.
"I'm in the middle of a class here!" Ian protested.
Cherish sighed loudly, looking quickly around the room, "Susan will take notes for you, won't you, Suz?" The girl looked a little bewildered, but nodded as she watched Ian being dragged out of the room.
"What the hell, Cherish?" Ian demanded just as she pushed him through the door.
"Geez, E, I know you're mad, but will you quit being such a girl?" Cherish sighed.
Ian grabbed his books from her and stuffed them into his bag roughly, grumbling, "This better be good."
"What's up with you? You're always such a happy little elf, you are!"
"What's up with me? You just kidnapped me from my math class, and you expect me to be a happy little elf? ... I'm not an elf!"
Cherish laughed as she shoved him through the doors to the auditorium, "You hate math. Or do you hate me so much now that you'd rather endure math?"
Ian sat heavily on the floor just inside the doors, "I don't hate you, Cherry."
Cherish sat beside him, leaning her head onto his shoulder, "I don't blame you if you do, E."
"Why would I hate you?"
She couldn't think of one specific reason, so to prevent herself from breaking out into some gut spilling session of tears, she said nothing.
"I didn't call you this weekend because I was giving you space, Cherry," Ian softly offered the explanation.
"It's not that. I've been thinking a lot, like a lot a lot, and I realised I've been nothing but a bitch to you, Ian. Even lately, you let me stay at your place, you treat me like a friend, but I don't really treat you like one."
"Yeah you do."
She shook her head, her hair breaking loose of her haphazard ponytail and flailing around.
Ian smirked as he tucked it behind her ear, "You do. If you didn't consider me a friend, I doubt very much that we'd be here in the dark auditorium- alone."
Cherish tensed as if just noticing, but she took a deep breath and muttered to herself, "I will not run. Don't run."
Ian chuckled, "See?"
"Uh, that's the thing. I figured that out while I was thinking and I really needed to tell you."
"What?"
"That every time I fall apart, you're there. And even though I told you to leave me alone, you didn't. And you're beyond awesome, Ian. I'm messed up. I have so many problems. And I don't play well with others, but you kind of know that already. Well, I don't play well with new others. I have trouble making friends and trusting people, especially guys. And really, I guess I just wanted to let you know that, from the beginning I've pretty much trusted you."
Ian only stared at her, his words sounding wry as she looked anywhere but at him, "Ari said that's probably because you were so preoccupied with the whole best friend situation that you didn't give a shit about yourself."
"I'm pouring my heart out here, E!" Cherish looked up at him with wide eyes, then sighed, "Okay, maybe part of that is true. But when I got over that, when I was paying attention to the fact that there were new people in my life and that most of them were guys, I could have bolted. You know, I never would have trusted half my friends back home to take care of me if I was drunk. I would much rather have gone home to face my bitch sister's wrath. I wanted to run that day, you know, when I woke up in Seven's living room and you guys were moving furniture. I was so freaked out. I stayed. I knew I'd be okay around you."
"You know," Ian smiled. "I think this is the most we've talked."
"And I'm sorry about that, too, Ian. Every time I tried to talk to you before, I chickened out. I guess I was kind of scared." At the look on his face, she clarified, with a half smile, "Not of you... She was a lot like you, my Len was."
"She was pretty," Ian said as if to contradict Cherish and she grinned.
"And she'd have said the exact same thing in this situation."
"I'll never be the same as her though," he put his arm around her and pulled her into his side. "I'll never be even close to a replacement."
"I know that."
"So then what were you afraid of?"
Cherish shrugged and dropped her head onto his shoulder again, "Of breaking down."
Ian was quiet as he settled his chin down on top of her head. It was nice to sit there and talk, to not have the others around, and to not have her ignoring him altogether. "So?" he said after some time and Cherish looked up at him. "You breaking down yet?"
"I'll let you know when," she laughed softly.
"Cherry, do you realise this is where couples come to make out when they're cutting class?"
"Shut up, Ian. I'm not making out with you."
"Not even a little?"
"Not if you don't want Delia to cut you in half." She loved the way he blushed as she ruffled his hair, "I was wondering how long it would take the two of you to get together. I was thinking of telling you to ask her a while ago."
He looked at her in surprise, "Why didn't you?"
"Because I figured Delia would be mad at me, and you probably wouldn't have asked her anyways. And if you did, I didn't want me to be the reason you two got together. I think it worked out much better on its own."
"Yeah."
Cherish didn't miss the small tug at the corner of his lips as he said it. "So, you're going to have to tell me all the details, you know that right?"
"Oy! Just because I remind you of Len doesn't mean you can turn me into one of your girlfriends!" He was surprised at how much she laughed.
"Ian, I think you've always been one of my girlfriends! There's no other explanation to it, really."
"Hey you're right," he titled his head and looked at her. "Maybe you trusted me because I can be kind of girly."
Cherish laughed again, "You said it, not me!"
"Whatever. You know I'm manly in all the things that count."
"Do I ever!" she joked as she would have with Cash or Jeb.
"This is nice."
"Yeah." She could see the thoughts working themselves out behind his eyes, and she knew almost right away what he wanted to say. "If only it could be nice like this for everyone, right?"
He looked at her sadly, "I'm not mad at you, you know. You need space to deal with this. He gets it, I think. He should get it."
Cherish tensed again; she hadn't meant to, but somehow talking about Seven made her uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry for being a part of this, you know that right, Cherry?"
"I know, Ian, and how were you supposed to know?"
"I can't believe that he did that."
She would have asked who, but she knew that this time he wasn't talking about Seven. "I couldn't either," she said after a long silence. With a thoughtful look on her face, she sighed, "You know what? I've never really talked about it. To anyone. Even Len. I mean, she knew part of it because she saw. but, if she hadn't, I doubt I would have told her about any of it. At the time, I was more devastated that she showed up and saw me that way."
"It's a good thing she did," Ian muttered.
"I know. And I never thanked her for it. She saved me twice."
"Twice?"
"Yeah," she was barely talking now, her words a mumbled whisper. "When she got me away from him and then when I tried to kill myself." Ian looked at her in shock, and she smiled up at him timidly, "Yeah, pathetic, I know." **
She fidgeted uncomfortably, zipping and unzipping her sweater; this was the most she'd ever discussed her demons. She felt a little suffocated, and a little adrenaline frenzied at once. Sweaty and ice cold at once. Taking a hold of Ian's shoelaces, she twisted them into braids to distract herself from the conversation.
"Cash used to call me a man-hater because I was so against dating and having a boyfriend. I don't know, I guess I was so used to the kind of jerk guys who used to hit on Len and I. He was a couple of years older than me. He hung out with Jeb and Cash's brothers. I think I'd been friends with him from the time I was eight. So when Julian asked me out, I figured no big deal, right? We'd go to the movies, get something to eat, go to the party at Audrey's, hangout. And except for the fact that it was the two of us alone, I didn't think it would be any different from hanging out normally."
She could feel her voice getting thick from the emotion building up in her chest and throat and pressing in on her brain. Brushing her hands against her face roughly, she continued to focus intently on Ian's shoes.
"But it was different. He was acting strange the whole time. He was staring at me instead of watching the movie, but Len said it was normal for a guy who liked you to stare at you a lot. He kept trying to touch me more than was usual, and it bothered me a little but I never thought...
When we got to Audrey's place, he put his hand on my leg and wouldn't let me get out of the car. He made me get in the back seat with him. I was a little annoyed, because he'd been my friend for how long? He should have known that I was not about to do anything with him. But he said he just wanted to make out a bit."
She had to stop talking, not that she wanted to; she just couldn't push any more voice out. She stared up at the ceiling, willing her eyes to stay dry, and willing the painful lump in her throat to dissolve. Her head was pounding, like all the tears she wasn't crying were soaking into her brain and it was swelling up so that her skull couldn't contain it anymore.
"I told him it was our first date and he said that didn't matter because first dates were for getting to know each other and we were already friends so we didn't need that part. So I told him that just because we were already friends didn't mean I was going to make out with him. The next thing I knew, he had me up against the window, 'Come on, just a little bit?'
I was lucky he pushed me up on the door, because I panicked when he tried to kiss me and released the door and then I fell out of the car. It's a blur and it's slow motion, you know? I was running and then I was smashed into a wall and I couldn't go anywhere because he was holding me back. And the things he said to me, the things he called me."
She made a face and Ian was surprised by the tone of her voice when she mocked Julian.
"You think you're so special don't you? You think you can prance around in your little dresses and tight pants and get into my head like that, and then tell me I can't have any? Who the fuck do you think you are, little trick? You think you can play with my head and get away with it? You drive me fucking crazy, Bitch! You're a fucking slut, that's what you are. You act like you're all that, talk like you're the shit, but you're just a cheap whore. You're such a fucking tease."
Ian stared at her in alarm, as she recited his verbal attacks on her with such ease.
"I couldn't do anything. I wish I could say I tried, but I was so scared at how angry he was. And I knew him, I knew how strong he was. So I just stood there like an idiot when he yelled at me, and I just cried when he licked my face. Then he kissed me, bit my lip and stuffed his tongue in my mouth and all I remember thinking is this cannot be my first kiss. Then he's screaming at me and I could taste his fucking blood in my mouth because I guess I bit his tongue. I don't think I even got a chance to run."
Ian tried to stop her; he didn't know if he could keep it together if he had to hear anymore. He didn't know if he'd be enough to fix her breakdown after. But she ignored his uncomfortable mumbled interruptions and hugged her knees up to her chin.
"He punched me in the face before I could even move to run. It hurt so fucking bad it was like the only thing that existed was my face. He was yelling at me again, but I don't know what he was saying because his mouth was all over me so it all sounded like gibberish to me. Then my whole back hurt and I was on the floor and I couldn't move again because he was on top of me and he was fucking heavy.
He grabbed my face and twisted it and shoved it into the dirt, so I couldn't bite him again. It was pretty much all I could do, yell and bite. I don't think he gave a shit if I yelled. All I could see at first was the back of his car, but I could feel him biting me, I could feel it when he ripped my shirt away. I could hear him telling me to stop squirming. He told me I was being a bitch, that I should have been nicer to him. I could feel him punching me. I scratched him a couple of times, I think.
I don't know when he stopped forcing me to stare at the back of his car. I don't know when I stopped feeling the gravel digging into the side of my face. All I know is suddenly I could see him punching me and yelling at me and all I wanted was to be able to look away. I don't remember how long it was before Len found us like that."
Ian was beyond stunned. He had no words. He didn't think he'd be able to find words for a while. His Cherish was curled into a ball beside him, face pressed into her knees and hugging her legs so tightly, her fingers were white. He was angry, though. Way way beyond how angry he'd been at Nathaniel Shrift. He was angry at the idiot, Julian, for daring to hurt Cherish. He was also angry at Ari for being so stupid to think that she could force Cherish to be over it.
Despite that anger, he was aware of Cherish just enough to know that it would scare her right then. Calming himself down, he reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder, softly enough to not startle her. "God, Cherry. I'm so so sorry I bought this all up again."
She sniffled into her knees and titled her head only slightly, so she could peer up at him from the corner of her eye. "I wanted to talk about it."
"No I mean..."
"I know what you mean, Ian," she whispered, leaning into him, "and you have nothing to be sorry for."
"I just did it because I figured-"
"Because you all saw something that apparently I wasn't seeing. But it's not your fault, Ian, it never could be. It's Ari's."
Ian could finally say he understood why when he'd bought her home Cherish had stormed into the kitchen and coldly declared to her sister they weren't speaking anymore. He couldn't blame her.
"This is going to sound lame," he said after a long time, "but I'm glad you talked about it."
"Me too," Cherish sniffled again, finally straightening up. "I'll one up your lameness- I'm glad it was you I talked to."
Ian smiled despite the heaviness of the situation, "I'm always here, Cherry, me and my giant Elfy ears."
"I know you are, Ian."
"I'll help you out, Cherry."
"I know you will, E, you already have."
*Title song is by The Meteors
** Please do not take Cherish calling herself pathetic in reference to her suicide attempt as me trivializing such a thing. It is simply how she feels at letting such a stupid human being affect her in that way. Please, if you feel depressed or suicidal for whatever reason, talk to someone. There are lots of organizations devoted to being an ear for young people in need. Talk to someone. Sometimes it makes a huge difference. Trust me, I know.