***Angst***
oOoOoOo
Yama left early to head back home and get his things so he'd actually be ready for school. He tried be cool about everything but couldn't help the stupid grin he had glued to his face the entire way home.
He could be happy right? That was fine?
He still felt special even if it wasn't out of romantic love.
It was still special.
oOoOoOo
Yamaguchi wrote poems during class; in the margins of his notebook. Of course, he paid attention, too, but the words just made their way onto the paper. He didn't consider himself a poet in any way, that suggests that he knew what he was doing. He sort of just enjoyed writing about what he felt in the moment; in whatever way it came out.
Yama felt the words floating in his head alongside a desire to order them in a way that made just enough sense. He pulled them down and pasted them onto paper—sort of like word vomit, but prettier.
Like... how birds regurgitate to feed their little babies.
That's what he thought his poems were.
He thought that maybe he should have a separate notebook for poems, but there was something satisfying about seeing them among his notes. And he liked to be surprised by finding them while he was studying.
Plus, it was probably a lame thing to do.
He kept scribbling words on the page, only stoping to read it after he got it all out. He liked to go back and fix things after writing everything down, otherwise he'd lose what he felt he needed to write.
He eyed his work done in black ink,
You...
are a moonlight filled sky
I...
Am the faraway stars
that yearn to be closer
The universe...
moves without us feeling
Without us noticing
But we're somehow, within,
Aware
Of that wonder
Our thoughts,
Within the confines
Of our limited
Yet unlimited existence,
Wander in possibilities.
In the unexpected.
We breathe
And are unsure
But I know
You hold adventure
In that soft glow
That shines
Ahead of me
I want to know what
You are thinking
But I can't—
We are two different
Creatures
Made up from
Different experiences.
...So I can't know
And I want to know...
Maybe more than anything,
...Why is it that
When I look
Into your distant face
I feel as though
I can never look away?
He read it over and over, and smiled. It really was something only for himself. It was sappy, yeah. And maybe he was sappy in general, but he always wrote in pure emotion.
And emotions are always sappy.
oOoOoOo
Yama watched Tsukki during lunch. He seemed to be thinking about something that was lost to the shorter boy. Soft music played from the headphones around Tsukishima's neck, where he could hear it without completely cutting off the rest of the world.
The blond looked directly at the other boy almost out of nowhere, "I have to do something during break today so I guess you're going to have to find something to do without me".
"Oh, okay.. that's fine," Yamaguchi tried not to look too disappointed. It was better not to get too used to canoodling with Tsukki during break, anyway. Tsukki never mentioned he had planned to do anything earlier, though.
Yama shrugged at his thoughts. It was probably something that couldn't be helped.
He pulled out Frankenstein as Tsukki got up to leave. He had already finished reading it but he liked going back to read his favorite parts. The way the characters talked and the style of writing in general was very... floral and almost excessive in a way that he liked. Probably because he was sappy.
His eyes parted from the book for a moment to watch as Tsukishima made his way across the courtyard and towards the more heavily populated area. They tended to avoid that area unless they were people watching.
Tsukki went directly to a group of people.
Strange.
What was he doing? Usually if Tsukki wanted to antagonize someone he was also invited?
Yama squinted at the group as Tsukki started talking.
Who is he talk—
Yamas breath caught in his throat as he saw Amelia in the group of people.
His thoughts stopped for a moment like he was too panicked to even think.
He took a deep breath through his nose.
Why was he talking to her?
Yamaguchi squeezed the book in his hands and watched as the two of them walked out of the courtyard area.
He could just be... apologizing? Yama shook his head. Tsukki wouldn't have bothered doing that.
It was probably nothing.
It was probably nothing.
It was nothing.
And even if it was something...
Wouldn't that be fine too?
It was supposed to be fine.
But...
He loved Tsukki.
And he needed to know.
And he tried to resist.
He knew he shouldn't have.
He tried to resist.
Yamaguchi put his book away, grabbing his bag and slowly walking to where Amelia and Tsukki went.
And he tried to resist.
He looked quietly around a corner of the brick wall of a building to see Tsukki. With Amelia. And he looked. And pressed his knuckles against the hard brick. As Tsukki closed the space between them in a kiss.
And all of the sudden he couldn't feel anything.
He shouldn't have looked.
He shouldn't have.
He should have kept his eyes closed.
He walked off to find somewhere that was anywhere but there, that tangled mess of web tightening itself around his heart.
He really had no reason to be upset.
Tsukki was never his to begin with. They were just friends and that was clear to begin with.
Tsukki was completely allowed to do that. And that was the truth.
And it wasn't Tsukki's fault that it hurt. He was the one that was in love.
If he wasn't in love with Tsukki then It wouldn't matter to him at all.
But he said it was okay.
So it was okay.
It was okay.
And even so...
He couldn't seem to stop crying.
oOoOoOo
Yamaguchi felt better after crying.
He was mostly just mad at himself for thinking for a second that Tsukki would ever love him.
When falsehoods can look so like the truth, who can assure themselves of certain happiness?
He was as loveless as it got. And Tsukki wasn't one to love anyone either.
They were perfectly fitted for destruction.
And so he wrote poems during class. Small, and in the margins of the paper. And he wrote as Tsukki was behind him, and he smiled at him, and his heart was all tied up.
The words he jotted down were just feelings that stopped halfway. The kind that he didn't try to make look pretty because they weren't.
It would be easy to blame You
But that would be unfair.
Unfair to You, and Me
Because it would
Be a lie, give Me hope
It is Me, and I know
And it would be unfair
To be mad at You for
Not wanting Me
When I am loveless
I always knew.
And it would be unfair
To hope that it was
Because of You
Rather than to accept
That I won't be loved
And you're right
I'm not cut out for revenge
Or for so much anger
So I'm not mad
And really,
That's the only difference
Between Me and
Frankenstein's Monster
He was glad he had a chance to write his feelings on paper. He knew he might look back at it and think he was being dramatic, but it was better than letting those words sit in his mind.
And even though he didn't feel the best, he didn't feel so bad, really. Tsukki seemed to be treating him the same as ever. And that was okay. He made this tangled mess inside himself, so he was going to ride it to the end.
oOoOoOo
Yama felt determined to be strong during practice, focusing on his serves and thinking about what other techniques he could learn to really be formidable.
Tsukki brought him his water bottle, "you've been working so hard today that you forgot you need to stay hydrated."
"I wanna do my best where I can," Yama took it with a smile, "thank you, Tsukki!".
The freckled boy took a sip then drank much more as he realized how thirsty he actually was. He sighed after a few gulps, feeling much more refreshed now that his body wasn't screaming for water.
"But I won fair and square!" Hinata yelled, taking Tsukki and Yamaguchi's attention off each other.
"Do you EVEN know the RULES," Kageyama huffed back, with what was probably actual fire in his eyes, "rock beats scissors, paper beats rock, scissors beats paper!"
"YEAH AND TSUNAMI BEATS ALL OF THEM," Hinata made a wave with practically his entire body and crashed into Kageyama much like a tsunami would.
"That'S NOT A THING, DUMBASS," The black haired crow tried to stay mad though couldn't help but laugh as he balanced himself against Hinata's small form.
The shorter boy laughed and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, looking up at him, "do kisses win?"
Kageyama paused, looking back at the cute boy who was clinging to him, before muttering, "......they might".
"Really glad you two made up but Stop Messing Around, Please," Daichi smiled at them.
They both let go of each other with blushing smirks.
"Those two are definitely in a bad romcom," Tsukishima muttered in almost disbelief but his face as stony as ever.
Yama laughed as he took another swig of water, then choked, coughed, and spat as water came out of his nose. He looked up slowly, dribbles still rolling down from his mouth and nose, and looked at Tsukki with wide eyes.
Tsukki chuckled at him, one side of his mouth curling into a smirk, "wow, only you could make something that lame look cute".
Yama wiped his face with his shirt, a smile crawling on his face and a laugh escaping his lips, "I'm not sure if that's a compliment but I'm going to say thank you, Tsukki,"
The blocker smiled softly, taking the water bottle from him and touching his fingers briefly, "Do you want to come over again tonight?"
"...Of course I do, Tsukki".
With a tangled web.