tw for drugs/drug use
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PRANKING MY BEST FRIENDS
2,394,438 views
Camila Cabello -------- SUBSCRIBE: 3.6M
Published Nov 18, 2016
"Finally, I'm going to call Lauren," Camila announces, scrolling down to her contact in her phone, "since she's not a YouTuber, hopefully she'll think it's not weird that I'm calling. Literally any time a YouTuber gets a phone call from another YouTuber, it's literally almost always a prank call."
She tries to figure out her story, and grins at the camera. "I'm going to tell her that... that my channel got hacked and all of my videos have been deleted."
She tries to get herself in a sad mindset as she rings, and Lauren picks up immediately. "Hi, Camz. What's up?"
"Lauren," Camila makes herself sound pained, and holds in the laugh she almost lets out when she glances at the camera. "My- my channel got hacked and- and all of my videos are gone, that's- that's so many years of work and I-"
"Whoa, what? What the fuck?" Lauren answers, and Camila hadn't expected her to be angry. "Surely there's some way for YouTube to recover it? I'm emailing them, hold on, let me put you on speaker."
Camila almost laughs again, but makes a quick sniffling sound like she's about to burst into tears. "I already tried, there's no use and I'm locked out of my account-"
She hears Lauren typing rather aggressively and tries to picture an angry Lauren, bashing the keys on her laptop. "I swear, I'll find these fucking hackers and I'll sue their asses off, I know the law and there's something we could use- wait... your channel is right here?"
Camila snorts with laughter at the two contrasting tones; angry Lauren threatening to sue unnamed hackers, and surprised, confused Lauren. "It was a prank call. I'm filming a video."
Instead of being angry or calling her a bitch like all of her other friends had, Lauren breathes out an audible sigh of relief. "Oh, thank god! I thought it was really gone and I was about to go all Judge Judy on their asses. I'm glad it's okay."
"Aw, now I feel bad about pranking you because you're so sweet." Camila laughs, "You're actually so considerate, you were going to be my cute little lawyer."
"Hell yeah I was, I know my stuff," Lauren answers, and Camila can practically feel her smile through the phone. "Anyway, I should go, I need to finish up this paper. Have fun filming!"
When Lauren hangs up, Camila smiles at the camera. "She's so sweet."
[Write a comment...]
Camren Is Real Oh my god Lauren is so cute she was literally getting ready to sue for Camila you guys and your crusty old ship could never
Camriana Updates lauren is nobody we all know camila and ariana are meant for each other so shut the fuck up
Camren Is Real Wow and this is coming from an update account for a ship that's been dead for over a year and only lasted like four months :/ imagine that
Normani Not surprised that Lauren is the only one of your friends who doesn't secretly hate you
Camila Cabello wat u tryna say mani u wanna go????? get ready for a KNUCKLE SANDWICH
Camila's Dinahsty not going to lie I wasn't sure about lauren but this video made me like her
Camila Cabello i like her more than i'd like my first born child but then that's not really a big comparison bc my gay ass aint never birthing anything but rainbows
"I'm surprised you didn't want to go first class."
Camila rolls her eyes at the comment, tapping nervously on the arm of her seat as the plane starts to lurch forwards; she watches as Lauren clicks out of her video when the outro card pops up, perfect timing for their plane setting off. "I actually kind of hate first class. It's like... always full of business people in full suits and ties and stuff, and then there's me in like, a whole sweatsuit in the corner and I look twelve, so naturally they're all like... why is this child in here."
Lauren laughs. "You don't look twelve."
"Are you sure about that?" Camila eyes her sceptically. "I get comments all the time where people are like what the fuck, she's not a middle schooler? And, I mean, I get where they're coming from."
"If you look twelve, so do I," Lauren answers, and as the plane makes its way onto the runway and Camila grips the armrest of her seat, Lauren sends her a comforting smile and pries her hand off it, taking it in her own. She kisses the back of it and Camila's pretty sure a part of her melts right then and there. "I've got you, Camz. We're okay."
"I hate that we have to fly to get home, but I've really missed my family. FaceTiming with Sofi just isn't the same, we can't do dramatic HSM duets over the internet," Camila jokes, gripping Lauren's hand tighter as the plane speeds up to take off. Lauren winces, but she doesn't let go, thumb tracing patterns over her knuckles. "I wonder if Sofi will remember you. She'd just turned five when we stopped talking, right?"
"Something like that," Lauren answers, shrugging. "I doubt she'll remember. I never really interacted with her except for when she was a literal baby. How old is she now?"
"Nine," Camila replies, and she hadn't really realised how much she missed her sister until they're talking about it. "I'm totally going to make her be in a video. She's kind of sassy, and my audience adore her."
Lauren laughs. "Yeah, I watched the videos you've done with her. They were really cute, especially the sibling tag."
"Have you just gone through my entire channel and watched everything?" Camila asks, eyebrows raised, and Lauren blushes embarrassedly, nodding. "Wow, didn't realise I'd let a fan get this close. You're an excellent stalker."
Lauren rolls her eyes, and Camila finds the pink tint on her cheeks completely adorable. "Shut up."
Camila sends her a teasing grin, but it softens and turns into a real one, her heart fluttering when Lauren rests her head on Camila's shoulder. "All jokes aside, it means a lot to me that you've watched everything. All I really wanted when I first started it was your support."
Lauren winces. "I'm so sorry. God, I was so stupid, and you don't know how fucking proud I am of you, that you didn't quit when everyone was making fun of it."
"If anything, it just made me want to prove them wrong. I think I might've," Camila shrugs, running her fingers through Lauren's hair. "Besides, I have your support now, and that makes me really happy."
"You're kind of the most talented person I've ever met, so I'm not surprised your channel exploded," Lauren smiles, "anyway, are you excited for Thanksgiving?"
"Lo, I'm always excited to stuff my face with food," Camila laughs, and she can't help herself; she throws an arm around Lauren's shoulder and pulls her even closer, and the older girl sighs happily. "I'm going to say that I'm thankful I've reconnected with my fiancée of ten years."
Lauren snorts with laughter, and grabs Camila's left hand, frowning down at it. "Um, I don't see your ring, bitch. I'm not buying you another one, that cost like, two whole dollars."
Camila laughs. "It doesn't even fit me anymore, and I had to take it off when my finger went green, remember?"
Lauren cringes at the memory. "Oh, yeah. Mood rings always did that back then. Still, I'm glad you took my opposal seriously."
Camila smiles, her heart warm at the memory of little Lauren, down on one knee, telling her that she's opposing to her. "What're you going to say you're thankful for?"
Lauren just shrugs. "I don't know, I was thinking about saying that I'm thankful for this weird girl I've been hanging out with lately-"
Camila gives her a playful shove. "Wow, that's what I get for being interested, huh?"
Lauren hums, closing her eyes, and Camila wants to nudge her if she's going to fall asleep, because she's always had a weird thing about being on planes, and she doesn't want to be left alone, but Lauren speaks before Camila can do anything. "Do you want to come for a sleepover while we're back home? It sounds lame but my parents have been like, super hyped over the fact that we're talking again, and I think they'd probably love it if you came over."
"Well, your parents and I have that in common, because I'm also super hyped we're talking again," Camila teases her, and nods in acceptance, "I'd love to come over. Our Friday night sleepovers were always the highlight of my week."
"We should totally get on that again," Lauren says, and Camila's stomach flips, but the younger Latina blames it on the turbulence of the plane. "Iconic Friday night sleepovers every week where we have a viewing party of your new video. Your place or mine?"
"Both, like when we were younger," Camila grins, "We'll alternate weeks and it'll be this cute little thing we'll do until we're ninety and we don't have to alternate because we'll be in the same nursing home."
"Wow, planning seventy years in advance, I like it," Lauren smiles, "I'll have to RSVP nearer the time, because ninety is a pretty ambitious goal, I might be busy in my coffin that day."
"I'm so glad I ran into you, even if I wasn't at the time," Camila murmurs, squeezing Lauren's hand. "I was kind of terrified and I didn't want to text you in case you were still a jerk."
Lauren pouts, but doesn't dispute her. "I was mostly just surprised to see you in LA. You always seemed like more of a New York kind of girl. If you were to go to a city or something, I thought LA would be the last place you'd go."
Camila shrugs. "I mean, my best friends are here, and I knew I wanted to live with them once I graduated, and... well, YouTube is here, essentially. This is where you have to be, but if that wasn't the case, you're right. Taking away all of the YouTube stuff, if LA wasn't where I had to be for my career, I wouldn't be here. I don't really like the city, mostly because of the people. Everything just feels... so fake, you know? Everyone is trying to be something they're not and that's what I've always hated in general, not just about LA."
"I don't blame you," Lauren murmurs, "do you think you'll move somewhere else at some point? Like, when you want to settle down?"
"Yeah," Camila nods, not sure if she'd want to go back to Miami or move somewhere else, maybe somewhere quieter in California. "For sure. Once I have, like... a girlfriend that I'm serious with, and I'm less career-oriented. I mean, I'll want to live with my girlfriend before that, obviously, but in LA."
Lauren hums, a little tense at the mention of a girlfriend, and Camila wonders if she's jealous. "I get that. I don't think I could stay there either, not forever. Anyway, do you mind if I go to sleep? I'm a little tired. If you're staying up, I'd appreciate it if you'd wake me up when I start talking. It's okay in my room but I don't want to announce that... I don't know, cucumbers are taking over the world or something in the middle of a plane."
"Sure, I'll wake you up." Camila laughs at the words, and does mind about Lauren sleeping, but nods anyway. When Lauren rifles around her bag instead of closing her eyes and snuggling up to Camila, she's a little confused. The older girl pulls some pills out of her bag, and Camila tries to push down the concern, because she trusts that Lauren won't take anything bad.
"Here," Lauren passes the pills to her, and Camila reads the box, "just some over the counter sleeping pills in case you want to go to sleep. I know you have trouble on planes, so even if they don't put you to sleep, they'll still calm you down."
Camila blinks in surprise, but her face settles into a soft smile. "You're so considerate."
Lauren blushes, and turns away from her, but snuggles up and wraps her arms around Camila's waist, Nala tucked under her arm. "I just care about you."
Camila takes two of the tablets and closes her eyes, holding Lauren close. "You're so perfect."
2010
Her first day of high school is kind of a disaster.
She gets lost about four times, shows up at the wrong classroom once, and by her third class of the day, Lauren knows that any chance she had of making any friends has gone straight out of the window. At lunch, she sits with a couple of her old middle school friends, but she finds herself missing Camila. She knows they didn't eat lunch together every day in middle school, but it's nice knowing that if she wanted to, she could go to the music room and find her there, strumming on one of the school's guitars.
She's already making plans in her head to go over to Camila's tonight, when a couple of other people sit down at the table with them. She looks over all of their faces, and doesn't recognise anyone from class, so she realises these must be older kids. The idea in itself is a little exciting, sitting with all of the older kids on her first day.
One of the boys, one of the cute boys sits down right next to her and sends her a charming smile. "Hi there, what's your name?"
"Lauren," Lauren murmurs, the nerves building in her tummy, and she realises that this is good, this feeling she's having. It's like the feelings she has for Camila, the ones she's trying to get rid of, and this guy could help her stop feeling them. Lauren knows it's wrong, and she's not some fucking freak.
"I'm Brad," the boy smiles, "and you are one of the hottest girls I've ever seen."
By the end of lunch, she has plans to hang out with Brad and his friends on Friday night. She knows she's supposed to be at Camila's; they have an unspoken agreement that they have a sleepover every Friday night, but this could be good, this could stop her feeling all of these wrong things about Camila, and then she'll be able to be her friend properly. That's what Lauren is supposed to do, right? Be the best friend she can possibly be?
Four weeks later, after multiple amazing weekends out, she sees a Facebook request from Camila, and she knows she's been caught. Her page is open to everyone, and she knows that Camila will have seen, so she cancels her plans with Brad and the rest of her friends that weekend and shows up at Camila's house with a big stash of candy and a few of their favourite movies.
Camila is a little quiet at first, but she slowly starts to perk up. Lauren hardly notices that she's getting sad again when she starts telling her about Brad, about how she likes him, because she does like him, even if the feelings aren't as intense as the ones she has for Camila.
(This is good, Lauren reminds herself, this will fix everything.)
During their sleepover, she finds herself checking her phone, just to make sure that Brad and everyone aren't having too much fun without her.
2011
Their ritual Friday night sleepover turns into more of a monthly sleepover, and Lauren doesn't even notice how sad Camila is for most of them. She's always busy checking her phone, asking Brad what they're doing and telling him she'll be there tomorrow night; Saturdays are her favourite day of the week.
She feels a little bit of a thrill at their last party of the school year and someone brings alcohol. Lauren gets drunk for the first time in her life at the end of her freshman year of high school, and looking back, she thinks that's the moment things started to go downhill.
Summer was full of endless parties, drinking, kissing Brad, and when someone offers her a cigarette, Lauren accepts. She'd always thought smoking would be gross, but it's actually so relaxing to her, and she finds she doesn't have to think when she has that nicotine rush.
When she gets home three hours past her curfew, she sneaks into her bedroom and sprays herself over with deodorant before collapsing into bed, checking her phone and seeing all of the texts from Camila, asking if she wants to come over, if she's busy, what she's doing. Lauren promises to think up an excuse and text her back tomorrow.
(She forgets to reply.)
On her fifteenth birthday, her quinceañera, she has a polite family party. Camila is invited; her mom's doing, she supposes, because Lauren hadn't spoken to her recently, and she's so angry when she looks at the younger girl and feels that flutter in her tummy again.
Camila is hugging her and touching her all day, and Lauren wants to push her off, but she also wants to kiss her, to hold her, and there's that ache between her legs that wants to be satisfied. She feels angry and cheated, and she's so mad that after all of this, after all of the time she'd spent away from Camila and spent with Brad, that she's still so wrong and messed up.
It leaves a gaping hole in her chest, and she knows that it's self-hatred. Why can't she just be normal?
That night, she says no to Camila sleeping over. She sees the disappointment in the younger girl's eyes, and she wants to apologise, to pull her close, to let her stay, and there's that little eight year old girl inside who just wants to be with her best friend, but she pushes that part of her down and shakes her head, saying she's really tired and she just wants to go to bed.
At ten o'clock, she sneaks out of her bedroom window and goes to her real birthday party at Brad's house. She drinks a full bottle of wine to herself, and when Brad offers her a joint, Lauren takes it without hesitation, feeling better than she's felt in months.
Camila starts high school that fall, and Lauren barely sees her around. She thinks it's good, that she can distance herself until she's fixed, but a part of her aches for her best friend, to go over to her and ask her if she wants to eat lunch together. She ignores that part, knowing that this is for the best. She needs to fix herself, and she needs to do it soon.
(Sometimes, she wonders if she should get rid of Nala, because cuddling her every night is almost like she's cuddling Camila, but she can't. She just can't.)
As the school year starts up properly, Lauren finds she can't focus as well as she used to, and it makes her all the angrier at herself. Is she seriously this useless at everything? First, she can't stop herself being wrong, feeling perverted things about her best friend, and now she can't do her schoolwork right? She's so angry about it that she asks for a bathroom break and takes her cigarettes with her.
Finding a decent spot behind the building, Lauren lights her cigarette, and it's an instant soother. There's still that feeling in her chest, that empty feeling, but it's gone for a moment as she smokes, thinking about nothing but breathing in and out.
"What the hell, Lauren?"
The cigarette is ripped from her grasp, and she meets Camila's gaze. She looks so angry, but there's disappointment shining in her beautiful brown eyes, and for a moment, it makes Lauren want to stop smoking, just so she never has to see that expression again.
"Don't tell my parents, please," Lauren begs, because she knows her mom would kill her, "I won't do it again."
It's a lie, and they both know it, but Camila nods. "Okay. Can you come over tonight?"
The way she asks it is so hopeful, and Lauren feels like she owes her that, so she nods and agrees instantly. "Yeah, thanks, Camila."
Camila looks totally taken aback, and Lauren doesn't even realise what it is until she's long gone, and how odd the name Camila had felt falling from her lips. It had never been Camila, only Camz, and it makes Lauren feel hopeful that those feelings are finally going away.
She forgets about her plans to go over to Camila's and goes out with Brad and everyone like usual. She's completely cross faded when Brad asks her up to his bedroom, and she agrees instantly, knowing that this will fix her. She doesn't remember much when she wakes up in the morning, but being with him had filled the void in her heart for a little while, and she thinks that's what matters.
They sleep together at every party from that point on, and while Lauren doesn't really like it, it helps her feel a little less lonely.
It's November when she gets into school and Brad pulls her to the side. "Look at this shit. Some stupid freshman posted this on YouTube."
She laughs at the words, until the video loads and she sees Camila. "I posted a song I wrote, and please be gentle, I'm only fourteen and I know I can improve. It's about this... person. I think I've liked them for my whole life."
Lauren tunes out, and the words hit her right in the chest. Camila felt the same way? All this time, she was having the feelings Lauren was having? She's still in shock over the information that she doesn't even notice the younger girl walking past until her friends are mockingly singing the lyrics of her song at her.
She doesn't expect Camila to react, but she storms over, looks Lauren right in the eye and snaps, "Well? Aren't you going to say anything?"
It feels like every eye is on her, and when Brad frowns and asks, "you know this freak?" she instantly wants to deny it. If people found out, maybe they'd find out about all the things she used to do, the things that were obviously not normal, and then everyone will know her secret. Everyone will know that she still wants to kiss Camila after all of this time, and that Camila might want to kiss her back.
She so desperately wants to stand up for Camila, but her voice gets caught in her throat and she murmurs, "Well, you're kind of painting a target on your own back."
"What? By doing something fun and creative, I'm painting a target on my back?" Camila snaps at her. "Are you actually serious right now?"
"Camila," Lauren sighs again, hating the way Camila feels to say. She's her Camz, she always will be, but she can't do this here. "Just drop it, okay? We'll talk later."
"Everything is we'll talk later with you, isn't it?" Camila snaps, turning on her heel. "Even though we never do, because you never bother to show up."
She promises herself that she'll go to Camila's house tonight, that she'll apologise, that she'll show her that she feels the same way and sweep her off her feet and they'll live happily ever after, but it's all just a fantasy. Lauren gets too scared, and she smokes two joints before she finally has the courage to go over to Camila's house.
When Camila opens the door, her face immediately sinks into a frown. "You're not on drugs, are you?"
Ignoring the question, because she doesn't want to see that disappointment, Lauren pushes her way into the house. "Do you want to talk or not?"
She tries to keep herself steeled, trying to stand her ground, but when Camila talks, she feels herself cracking. "Fine. Why are you being such an asshole?"
"I'm not," is Lauren's weak reply, even though there's that part of her again, screaming inside, calling her an idiot, telling her to man up, and for a moment, it wins. "Were you talking about me? In that song. You said it was about a person you think you've liked your whole life and I'm the only one who fits that description."
"I was," Camila admits, and for a moment, Lauren's heart soars, and she hasn't felt that much for forever. She doesn't get how Camila can just admit it, and not feel ashamed that she's not supposed to feel these things. "Not so sure anymore."
Those words make her chest hurt, and in her clouded mind, she knows what she has to do. She steps closer to her, looking into the eyes of the girl she's loved her whole life, and murmurs, "Maybe this will make you certain."
She kisses her, and it's the most she's felt in years. She doesn't understand how she could ever have kissed Brad or Luis when kissing Camila felt like this. Kissing Luis and Brad was nice, but kissing Camila is absolutely magical, like every cell in her body is alive with feeling, and Lauren can't imagine ever not kissing her. But that's when the realisation dawns. She's not supposed to do this, it's wrong, and she pulls away, trying to play it cool. She sends Camila an elusive smirk, and heads out of the front door, waiting until she's out of sight to cry.
She sobs into her hands, rocking back and forth, barely able to make the air reach her lungs because her chest feels so heavy, wishing she could just be okay with it the way Camila is, but she can't be. Her parents will hate her for it, she'll lose all of her friends; she's seen the way the only out gay kid at their school is treated, and that can't be her. She doesn't understand how she even likes both, and she knows she must be broken.
When she's finished crying, she calls Brad, and he invites her out to a party. She meets him there, sat under clouds of marijuana, holding a needle and grinning at her. "Heroin. Want to try it?"
"No."
God, she wishes she'd stuck to that answer. But Brad just shrugs. "I mean, do you really think weed is giving you a good enough high?"
The words resonate with her. She's tried alcohol, she's tried weed, she's tried cigarettes, and she still hates herself. With shaky hands, she reaches out and accepts the needle, lining it up to the vein on her left arm, and hoping that this will fix her.
2012
Over winter break, Brad supplies her with some ecstasy pills. She takes one every morning, and she's surprised at just how effective they are. They don't help with her schoolwork, obviously, but they make everything lighter, and when she runs out of that, she has her needles. She can't believe she's ever just stuck to weed or cigarettes or alcohol when she can get such a good high from this.
She tries not to do heroin more than once a week, but it's hard when the cravings start to get stronger. She's almost considering taking it the day her parents drag them all out to the car, telling them that they're going on a trip, and she doesn't dare pack anything in case she gets caught.
They're halfway to Orlando when their parents tell them that they're meeting up with the Cabellos, and Lauren's heart drops. No, she can't be around Camila, not without some kind of high. Camila will just be a constant reminder that she's still feeling things she's not supposed to feel, and just how broken she really is.
(She hasn't seen her since they'd kissed, and she doesn't know if she'll be able to stop herself from kissing her.)
She freaks out even more when her parents tell her that she's sharing a room with Camila for the whole week, but she grimaces back and tries to stay calm. It could be okay. She'll just stick to her side of the room, and cuddle with Nala in her own bed.
When they meet up, Camila awkwardly trails behind her up to their shared room, and when Lauren unlocks the door, her heart drops. One bed.
Camila looks at it with wide eyes, and Lauren just plays it off. "What're you looking like that for? It's not like we've never shared a bed before."
Camila awkwardly makes conversation until they go and meet up with their parents, and the two of them are the only ones of the whole Cabello-Jauregui clan that seem unhappy to be there.
Lauren trails behind everyone once they get to the Magic Kingdom, and she's wondering how she's going to get through this week when Camila falls into step next to her. She looks like she's going to say something, and Lauren awkwardly blurts out, "are you okay?"
Camila looks a little surprised. "I was actually going to ask you the same question. You looked kind of sad, and Disney is supposed to be a happy place, so..."
Lauren sighs. "Just don't really want to be here. I had plans."
It's a lie; the only thing she planned to do was take her pills and use her needles, because it's the only thing that makes her feel better nowadays. Really, it's the only thing that makes her feel anything.
And then, Camila sends her a small smile, and Lauren feels more than she's ever felt from any drug. "Well, um, do you want to sit with me on whatever ride our parents settle on?"
Lauren nods, and after her confirmation, Camila picks up her pace to match with their parents and siblings. Lauren is still trailing behind, and she wonders if maybe she could be brave. Maybe she could do all of the things they used to do, and more. She doesn't know anyone here, and by the time the week is up, she could feel okay again, and then she won't need the needles and the pills, and she can walk into school hand in hand with Camila and tell Brad she doesn't want to see him anymore.
When their parents start walking towards the Space Mountain line, Lauren makes her decision. She picks up her pace and slides in next to Camila, taking her hand as they walk. She feels the shock radiating from the younger girl, but Camila doesn't comment on it, just holds her hand in the line and on the ride itself, and when they're off it, Lauren smiles at her, wondering how she ever thought feeling like this could be bad. Camila makes her whole, like she's the second half of Lauren's heart, and she knows it's all she needs. She just has to be brave.
"Camz, oh my god, we have to see our ride photo!" Lauren tugs her over to the gift shop, and if Camila is stunned, she doesn't show it, just laughs along with her and holds her hand the whole day.
When they get back to the hotel room after an amazing day, one of the best Lauren has had in years, she digs through her suitcase for Nala, and cuddles up next to Camila in the bed. She winces slightly when she knocks her arm, because it's still a little painful from the last time she used, but she pushes that thought and the craving for more to the back of her mind, knowing that Camila will help her.
(She just needs to be brave.)
When they're on Peter Pan's Flight, Lauren's stomach is fluttering with butterflies as Camila turns to her happily, and she kisses her before she can think about it, before she can stress about it, and she wonders how she could see this as wrong. Everything with Camila is so right, and she doesn't get why people think it's bad for two girls to be together like that when it makes her feel like this.
Reality hits her on her last day, and she realises how much of a coward she is. There's no way she could walk into school holding Camila's hand. She doesn't have the guts for that, even if Camila makes her feel the way she does. In the real world, they can't be together, not unless they want to be ostracized and bullied. It's too dangerous.
(She can't be brave she can't be brave she can't.)
When Lauren gets home that night and she doesn't get any contact from Camila, she's upset and angry and she can't believe she'd been so stupid to think she could do this. She rifles around in her cupboards for her stash, and finds one of the needles, pushing the drug into her veins and the self-hatred and cowardice out.
-
Lauren can't stay away for long. She keeps going to Camila's house before or after a party, or a drug deal, because Brad had gotten her into dealing for some extra cash; he says it was his birthday present to her, an opportunity. She'll meet with a customer, take something herself, and then stumble over to Camila's and kiss her. Camila never pushes her away, and Lauren is relieved, because Camila's kisses are her number one addiction.
She's going less and less time without ecstasy or heroin now. Two pills a day, three needles a week and slowly rising, and she knows it's getting more and more obvious with the way her parents are looking at her, and she can't find it in herself to care.
She goes over to Camila's after a particularly bad day, walking into her room and kissing her, knowing that in some other world, another Lauren and another Camila are kissing, both of them high on the love they share for each other, and that's enough. Those versions of them are happy, and Lauren wishes she could have that, but she knows she never can. She can't tell anybody about the way she feels. Only in fantasies has she ever said the word bisexual to anybody, because she knows that's what she is. It's a relief to know that she's not broken, that there are other people out there like her, but it doesn't make it any less terrifying, and it doesn't make it any less wrong.
(It's a secret she has to take to the grave.)
Before Lauren can kiss her again, Camila asks, "Are your parents not concerned about you?"
They are, but Lauren brushes them off. It's not like they have any evidence that she's doing anything.
"I don't think that's any of your business," Lauren retorts, catching a glimpse of Camila's laptop screen before the younger Latina slams it shut. "You're not still making those stupid videos, are you?"
She doesn't think Camila's videos are stupid. In fact, ever since that day when everyone at school had found out about them, Lauren had commented on every single one. She'd created a dummy account, under the first name Michelle, and she writes supportive comments on every video Camila posts. She's just too much of a coward to tell her in person, just in case someone overheard and realised the way she meant it.
Camila opens her mouth, but Lauren just uses that as an opportunity to kiss her roughly, pushing her down onto the bed. Camila gasps when her hands tug roughly at the hem of her shirt, and Lauren desperately wants to take it off, but Camila stops her. "Lauren, I can't keep doing this."
Lauren sighs in annoyance as Camila pushes her off, trying to play it off, like she's not in love with her. "Why not? We're best friends. It's just... two friends helping each other out."
(It's so much more than that, but Lauren can't physically make those words come out.)
"I don't mean just that. Besides, you're barely my friend anymore. You only hang out with me when it's convenient or when you want someone to make out with," Camila argues with her, "You don't care that I've... that I've fallen in love with you. My parents can't understand why I'm still friends with you, and honestly, neither can I."
(She loves me she loves me she loves me, Lauren's brain repeats, and that part of her, the little part that isn't so far gone yells, tell her you love her too, but she just can't.)
"Then kick me out. Do it. If you're so sick of me."
(No no no no, that part of her yells, you fucking idiot, don't say that!)
Lauren ignores the voice, ignores the pull she feels to just tell Camila how she feels, how much she's struggling, how much she fucking hates herself. She can't do that. Nobody can know that she's bisexual.
"It's not that I'm sick of you," Camila sighs. "It's that you're not you. The Lauren I know is the best friend I've ever had, and she would never just use me to get what she wants and then fuck off to be with her friends. The friends who got you into drinking and god knows what else. That girl who saved me from a bully in the playground? She's not you, and she hasn't been you for a long time, now that I'm realising it."
(I am, I'm still here, please! Her brain begs, tell her that!)
Lauren pushes the thoughts away, her walls going up. "Obviously not. People change. But, come on, Camz, it's not like I'm some different person, I'm still your best friend--"
"No you're not," Camila snaps at her, finally pushing her away for good, "you haven't been my best friend since- since you started high school, and I'm sick of constantly defending you to my parents, even to myself, because you're not the girl I loved, and I know that now. I'm done, Lauren. Go hang out with your friends. Your boyfriend. Go smoke or shoot yourself up with god knows what, because I'm done. I don't want to see you again."
(TELL HER TELL HER TELL HER YOU'RE STILL HERE JUST BE BRAVE)
Lauren wants to, she wants to more than she's ever wanted anything, but she chokes on the words, and the anger wins. "Fine, you know what? I don't need you anyway. You're a fucking loser and a controlling bitch and you're dragging me down and I'm done with you, not the other way around. Fuck you, Camila."
She slams the door behind her, her brain yelling at her to go back, to make it right, but she's far too stubborn. She goes home, pushes the drugs into her veins and pushes Camila Cabello out.
-
A week later, she's meeting with a customer, when she hears Lauren Michelle and her heart stops. Her mother grabs the baggie of ecstasy pills as the guy she was selling to makes a break for it, and drags her to her car by the arm, fingers digging into the needle marks on Lauren's arm.
(She knows she's been stupid, she should've checked that she wasn't being followed, but Brad was supposed to watch her back! She sees him just as her mother pushes her into the backseat, hiding behind a few bushes, and she wonders why he won't help her.)
"I knew it, I knew it," Clara curses as she drives "you are in so much trouble, do you understand me? Drugs, Lauren! Do you not know how dangerous that is?"
Lauren stays silent for the drive home, her mind going a hundred miles an hour, wondering how she's going to get out of this, if her parents are going to take her to the police, and when they're finally home and her mother asks her again, she scoffs like it's no big deal.
Rolling her eyes, she announces, "It's my body and my life, I can do what I want with them, and you can't stop me. I'm sixteen, I've looked it up, I can leave here right now."
"Actually, we can stop you." Clara snaps at her, and when she pulls a suitcase out from by the door, Lauren's eyes widen. "We've found somewhere that will help you get better, Lauren. You'll be attending there from now on, we just needed hard evidence and now we've got it. Get in the car."
"What?" Lauren splutters, because this is all happening way too fast. "You're shipping me off to some school?"
"It's for your own good," Mike says from the doorway to the lounge. "You might not agree with us now, but you will in the future."
"I'm not going to some fucking school," Lauren snaps, and tries to make a break for it, but her dad grabs her and holds her back, "dad, I'm serious, you can't just ship me off to some fucking boarding school, that's-"
"Do you want to end up like some homeless heroin addict?" Clara argues with her, grabbing her out to the car, "Because that's the path you're headed on. This school will help you, and we're doing this because we love you, not to punish you."
"Please, don't send me away," Lauren cries, desperate now, grabbing at the suitcase and throwing things out of it to distract her parents so she can get away, but her dad keeps restraining her and her mom stuffs everything back in, and that's when she realises and starts crying even harder, "No! You don't have Nala in there, please, if you're sending me away, I need-"
Clara lets out an exasperated sigh. "You're sixteen years old! You don't-"
Mike shakes his head to silence her, and once he gets Lauren strapped in the backseat of the car, he sends her a gentle smile. "I'll go get Nala, okay?"
"Dad, please, you can't send me away," She tries to beg, but he shuts the car door and locks it behind him once her mother gets in, and Lauren has no escape route. "Mami, please, I'll be better, I promise-"
"Yes, you'll be better, and being away from everything here will help you," Clara says, "this isn't a punishment, Lauren. We're getting you the help you need."
She can't convince them on the hour's drive to the school, and they leave her there, crying and helpless and oh so hungover, and she's never been angrier at them. As they walk out of the doors, she screams obscenities at them, telling them she hates them, that she's going to break out of here and they'll never see her again, and it frustrates her that they don't react. Her mother walks out of the doors, and her dad pulls her in for a hug while she thrashes to get away. "We'll see you soon. We love you."
She gets dragged to a stupid assembly once she's calmed down, and has to sit and listen to some college student who 'changed' from coming here, and she's yapping about all of the stuff she's achieved since then. What a loser, Lauren thinks as she watches the girl on stage, I'd rather gauge my own eyes out than come back here after escaping and suck up to the teachers.
She gets given three different sets of the same ugly uniform, and a school nurse gives her some pills that will stop her withdrawals, but she isn't going to have any fucking withdrawals, because she's getting out of here and running away. As she's shown to her room, she looks for any possible escape route, thrashing to get out of the iron grip of the teacher escorting her.
She throws another fit when she's walked into her 'room', a tiny little shoebox with two beds pushed against separate walls, a wardrobe and two worn desks, and realises she has a roommate, which means she won't get a single second of privacy in this hell hole. The roommate in question, a girl named Lucy, watches her with something like amusement as she has her tantrum, and it makes her even more furious. She cusses at the girl, telling her to mind her fucking business, to stop fucking staring at her like that.
Lucy watches her as she rages, thrashing around in the iron grip of the teacher, eyebrow quirked up in amusement. "Alright, guess we won't be friends."
She has her first class a few days after her parents had left her, and her real start at school is more than rocky. She talks back to the teachers and gets multiple canings a day until the day she breaks down in her room and Lucy comforts her, offering her friendship, and for the first time Lauren is grateful that she got stuck with a roommate. Lucy shows her what to do to get out, and she appreciates that, and she looks after her when she's down (which is most of the time).
'We'll see you soon' turns out to be false. Lauren's parents don't pick her up for Thanksgiving. They'd called the week before, telling her it was best that she stay at school for Thanksgiving break, that they didn't want to disrupt her. She'd acted fine on the phone, mumbling that it was okay, but when she hung up the phone after her thirty minutes was up, she'd gone back to her room and cried in Lucy's arms.
She finds she's crying a lot, nowadays. It's like everything she kept shut up for years is all pouring out, and now she's opened those floodgates she can't stop it. She's quietened down since her parents had left her at school, mostly because of Lucy. Even when she felt like acting out, Lucy would grab her by the arm, shoot her a look, and Lauren would keep her mouth shut, sighing and getting on with her work. She appreciates this, because she knows that the teachers send a monthly progress report to her parents, and she wants to be out of here by Christmas. She needs to get out of here; not even because she feels like she needs her next high, because her cravings aren't as strong anymore, but because she wants to see Camila. She wants to show Camila her work, her progress, and show her that she's trying to be better for her.
Lucy stays at school with her for Thanksgiving break, and Lauren is at least grateful for that. Her heart aches for her home, for her own bed, for her family, for Camila, but she knows she has to get through this. If she keeps herself in line, then she could be out of here by Christmas, back with Camila.
She feels a little guilty for the thought whenever she looks at Lucy. Lucy had been here for her constantly, and it's like they've known each other for years; the only person Lauren has ever felt a greater connection with is Camila. In a weird way, she doesn't want to leave Lucy, but she hates the school, hates the rules, hates that she's basically living under those rules all the time with no kind of breaks.
She keeps herself in line, follows the rules, keeps her head down, and the only kind of relief she gets is when she's in their shared room and they're just talking, like they're not stuck in some shitty reform school, like things don't suck.
There's a tension between them, even though Lucy has quickly become Lauren's rock. It's no secret that Lucy is gorgeous, and Lauren starts to notice it more and more, but she comes to the proper realisation when Lucy stays with her for Thanksgiving break. She acts like she was always staying, but Lauren had heard her telling her parents not to pick her up during her weekly phone call, and she can't remember the last time someone did something like that for her.
(It makes that self-hatred bubble right back up again, but she tries to push it aside on her own this time, focusing on her schoolwork.)
The school makes a dinner for the students that are staying, and they all have to say what they're thankful for. Lauren, whose anxiety had been at an all time high these last few months, was panicking about it, pacing around their room and overthinking the whole thing, and that's when Lucy kisses her. Lauren stops, stunned, her mind definitely off how she might stumble over her words when she's talking and that people might laugh.
"You kissed me," she states, almost as if she doesn't believe it. "Why?"
"Mostly to shut you up, but also because I kind of adore you," Lucy says, and Lauren is stunned at the words. "It doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to. I know you're not all figured out yet and I don't want to overwhelm you."
Lauren isn't sure what to say, awkwardly picking at the hem of her cardigan to calm herself down. "Could you help me? You know, figure it all out?"
"Of course," Lucy takes her hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze, and Lauren sighs happily as she's pulled into her friend's arms. She really hadn't realised just how much she needed someone to take care of her. "Do you think you're ready to talk about it?"
Lauren opens her mouth, hoping the words will just spill out, but it's like her throat closes over at the thought. She manages a shake of her head before she's crying again, and Lucy holds her until one of the teachers who stays at the school knocks on the door, telling them that it's time for their thanksgiving dinner. It's the same teacher who'd given Lauren her first caning, but instead of looking at her with irritation and disgust, she sends her a sympathetic smile as Lucy leads her out of the room.
That night, when dinner is long over, Lauren kisses Lucy, wondering if this is something she'll ever be able to talk about.
Her parents do come to get her for Christmas, and she's told to wait in her room for her parents to come to her. When their teacher leaves, Lucy crosses over to Lauren's bed and rubs comforting circles on her back, even though Lauren isn't crying. It's like she can sense that Lauren is sad, or maybe it's because Lauren is always sad.
"Hey, don't be upset. You get to go home!" Lucy tries to encourage her. "Maybe that's where you'll stay. You've stopped acting out and nine times out of ten that's what parents are looking for, and it's not like you've taken anything since being here."
Lauren sighs, and she wants to pull away from Lucy, like her parents will be able to sense that they kiss all the time, but she can't bring herself to do it in case she doesn't see the other girl again. If her parents don't send her back here, she'll have no way to contact Lucy; she's not on her list of approved numbers, and it's not like Lucy has her cell phone here.
Almost as if she can read Lauren's mind, Lucy grabs a pen, rolls up the sleeve of Lauren's school cardigan and writes her phone number on her arm. "This is my cell phone number. Call it if you need anything over break, okay? Even just to talk, but since we're both from Miami, I can come over."
"Thank you." Lauren nods, and rolls down her sleeve. "And thanks for not... um, expecting anything from me. It's like- with you there's no pressure."
Lucy smiles. "You're pretty much the first real friend I've ever had, so... don't thank me."
There's a knock on the door, and Lucy puts a few inches between herself and Lauren, and the younger girl is infinitely grateful. When her parents walk in, Lauren isn't sure if she should hug them or not, if she should be happy or not. She's desperate to get home, but she's still pretty angry that they just sent her away.
Clara comes to her first, pulling her in for a tight hug. "We've missed you so much, Lauren. Have you packed all your things?"
Lauren nods, her gaze flicking over to the suitcase by the side of her bed. She doesn't comment on it, not wanting her hope to be shattered just yet. Instead, she nods to Lucy. "Um, this is Lucy, she's my friend."
Clara eyes Lucy suspiciously, but Lucy takes it in her stride, sending her a warm smile and offering out her hand to shake. "It's really nice to meet you. Lauren talks about you guys all the time."
Mike greets her first, shaking her hand. "Good to meet you too."
Clara seems to ease up a little and greets her, and Lauren pushes herself off from the bed, and asks a question she knows she shouldn't ask. "Has Camila called home at all?"
Her parents exchange a look, and it's Mike who breaks the news to her. "Uh, no. We haven't heard from her, but your mom mentioned she ran into her and her mother a few weeks back-"
"Did she ask about me?" Lauren interrupts, desperate for a yes even though any spark of hope she'd had was starting to go out, because Camila hadn't called. "Did she ask where I was?"
"I- no, sweetheart," Clara says, and Lauren feels the already shattered remains in her chest break even more. "I'm sorry."
Lucy seems to understand how much the words have broken her, because Lauren was doing it for Camila. She was trying to be what Camila wanted, trying to get better so she could get her best friend back, so she could be what Camila needs, and now it seems like it was all for nothing, because it's not like she's any happier. Lauren is still miserable, and Camila is doing perfectly fine without her. She didn't even care that Lauren had seemingly just disappeared.
Lucy takes her hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, and Lauren swears she sees her parents exchange a look, and it's enough to freak her out. She drops the older girl's hand and looks at her apologetically, mumbling, "I'll see you," not even knowing if she will, before following her parents out of the room.
She notes that her dad is dragging the suitcase as they walk down the hallway, and Lauren takes that as a good sign. Maybe she will be out of here, and then she can contact Camila and talk to her herself.
But will you really, that little mocking voice in the back of her head points out, you know she doesn't want you, that she's fine without you. Why do you want to hear her confirm it?
She tries to swallow her tears and her heartbreak, not wanting to cry in front of people, but she almost breaks then and there when she gets within earshot of her parents and teacher and hears, "...and we'd generally like a drop off about a week before semester two starts, but any time in that week is fine too."
"You're making me come back here after Christmas?" Lauren blurts out without thinking, and her parents turn around after exchanging another one of those looks. "But I thought that-"
"Mike, take Lauren to the car while I continue this conversation," Clara instructs, and Mike escorts Lauren out of the building, and she's so confused and she feels so sick and she doesn't understand why. She's practically been a model student, especially in the crime and punishment class; she'd even go as far as to say she likes that class.
Her dad puts her suitcase in the trunk, and Lauren clambers in the back, buckling herself in, and her stomach is churning when her father gets in the front. "You can't be serious. You can't be bringing me back here-"
"Lauren, you have to understand that this isn't a punishment. We're getting you the help you need, and we can't risk you falling back into those old crowds. You've made so much progress already and it's only been four months," Mike says, and Lauren feels so angry and cheated, because she'd only made that progress because she wanted to leave. "Imagine what you could do by next June. You could even apply to college-"
"I can do that at my old school, I promise, I won't talk to Brad or anyone like that, I swear on my life," Lauren practically begs, green eyes as wide as saucers, "please don't send me back there, please, I can't do it again-"
"You're doing so well," Mike interrupts her, and Lauren wonders how she even has any tears left, she's been crying so much. "Just another semester, okay? We can talk about you going back to your old school for your senior year, but we want you to have the rest of the year here. We're so proud of how much you've progressed."
Lauren sobs in the back seat, wishing that Lucy was there to hold her, because her dad's words from the front aren't helping. She doesn't care that they're proud, she just wants to go home and stay there.
Her mom joins them in the car, and Lauren is still crying on the drive to their house. It takes about an hour, and when they arrive, all she wants is to go to her bedroom and curl up in a ball with Nala, but her mother insists on taking her to the lounge for a talk.
"We've got a few rules we need to go over," Clara says, and Lauren feels queasy at the words, but by that point, she's too tired to argue or to even care. Whatever these rules are, she's sure they can't be worse than the ones at school. "Your teachers have told us all of your school rules, and we think it's important that you continue to follow them while you're here."
Okay, maybe they can be worse, Lauren thinks to herself, and she wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand, snuggling Nala to her chest. She wasn't sure if it was possible, but since losing Camila and being sent away, it's like she has even more of an attachment to the stuffed animal.
"We don't want any arguments, and if you break a rule, you'll be punished for it," Mike says, "We're going to keep up with the no cell phones rule. You can use the computer for your work, because we know you have some, but we'll disconnect it from the internet, and if you need to look something up, one of us will monitor the sites you visit. You can have an hour's worth of TV time a day, but the rest of the day is family time or studying."
"Bedtime is ten pm, lights out at half past, and we'll expect you up and dressed by nine on weekdays and ten on weekends, and we'll know if you try to sneak out and meet any of your old friends," Clara warns her, but Lauren hadn't even thought about trying, because all she has the energy for nowadays is crying herself to sleep. "And we're going to make you stay in your uniform. It's important for discipline, but if we're going out for a nice family meal, you can wear an appropriate outfit of our choosing."
Lauren just nods tiredly. "Can I go to bed, please?"
Clara is obviously about to tell her no, but Mike stops her, nodding and sending her a gentle smile. "Of course."
Lauren gets up, trudges to her bedroom. Clearly her mom had tidied up, but some things aren't put back where Lauren knows she left them, and she knows that her parents will have ransacked her room for any leftover pills and needles. She quickly strips from her school clothes and gets into pyjamas, clambering under her sheets and pulling her stuffed lion to her chest, wondering when she'll stop feeling so fucking empty.
Lauren has been home for four days, following her parents' routine like she's on autopilot. She doesn't care for family time, she doesn't care about TV time, she just wants to curl up in a ball and sleep her life away. No, better than that, she wants to curl up in a ball, fall to sleep and never wake up.
She's lying in bed, silently crying her eyes out, when she hears her parents' voices from the kitchen. Her siblings are out with their friends, and the only friend Lauren has is Lucy, and she doesn't have any way to call her, because she's not allowed to use the phones.
"She's miserable, Clara," her dad's voice echoes through her door, and it wakes Lauren up properly from the exhausted daze she's lying in. "I thought it was the drugs she'd been taking but she's so depressed and I don't know what to do."
"Do you think we should take her to the doctor?" Clara asks. "Get her on some antidepressants? I just don't want to get her off one drug and literally put her on another, even if it is controlled."
"Maybe we could let her invite her friend over, you know, her roommate," Mike suggests, and Lauren doesn't have a reaction to the comment, because she knows that her mom will just shoot it down. "Just let her have a day to spend some time with a friend that won't get her back into... all of that."
Clara is quiet for a moment, and Lauren is surprised when she hears, "Yes, okay, I'll go and let her know. Hopefully it'll cheer her up, I just miss seeing her smile."
Lauren waits for her bedroom door to open to sit up, but she pushes herself up onto her elbows and meets her mother's gaze. Clara sends her a tentative smile, and Lauren just stares back, because smiling would take too much energy, and she knows it'd just look fake.
"We were wondering if you'd like you call your friend Lucy and invite her over," Clara says, sitting down on the edge of Lauren's bed, reaching out and brushing Lauren's hair back from her forehead. "We think it'd be good for you to get some social time with people outside of the family."
Lauren wipes at her eyes, and she wonders if she can call Camila, too, but she knows she'll just chicken out; she doesn't think she could bear the rejection. She nods, and when her mom presents her with the landline phone, she picks up the scrap of paper she'd noted Lucy's number down on. She dials it, waiting for it to ring, and Lucy picks up quickly. "Hello?"
"Lucy... it's Lauren," Lauren says, her voice raspier than usual from complete lack of use. She glances over at her mother, who isn't leaving the room, probably to make sure she's not calling a dealer or something, and she's pretty sure she can hear that the phone is on both the lines, which means her dad will be listening in. "My parents, they said that I could invite you over, and, well, do you want to? Come to my house, I mean."
"Sure. What's your address?" Lucy asks, and Lauren reels it off from memory. "Okay. I'll be there soon. See you."
"Yeah, see you," Lauren mumbles, and when she hangs up the phone and passes it back to Clara, her mother seems a little concerned that she's not jumping for joy at the idea of her friend being over. "Um, thanks."
Clara takes the phone, and pulls Lauren in for a tight hug, kissing the top of her head. "Pick anything from your closet to wear, sweetheart. I love you, okay?"
"Yeah," Lauren monotonously replies, breaking away from the hug. "I love you too."
Clara stands and walks to the door, and Lauren feels her gaze on her for a few moments, before her mother turns and walks out, back into the kitchen to her father. It takes Lauren a while to build up the energy to get herself out of bed, and when she does, she pulls a pair of skinny jeans from her closet, pulling them on and frowning at how loose they are. She hadn't even noticed that she'd barely been eating.
She sighs, and pulls an old sweater over her head, lying back down on the bed until her mother calls her, saying that Lucy is here. She drags herself from her bedroom, and collapses into the hug Lucy wraps her in. She hears her mother say something about spending time in the lounge, and Lucy leads her there, sitting down on the couch with her. Lauren waits until she's sure her mother isn't buzzing around to cry.
Lucy comforts her with hugs and kisses, and puts a cheesy Disney movie on for them to watch together, and it's when they're lying on the couch, halfway through Aladdin that Lauren mumbles, "I think I'm ready to talk about things."
Lucy blinks, like she wasn't expecting that, but nods. "Okay. Talk to me, and I'll help you through whatever it is you need to work through."
"You said- back at school, when you kissed me, you said that you know I'm not all figured out yet, but that's not really... it," Lauren murmurs, because it's not a case of being confused, it's a case of hating what she knows she is. "I know that I- that I like... girls. And boys. That I'm..."
The word gets caught in her throat, and Lucy gives her a comforting squeeze. "You don't have to say it."
Lauren bites down on her bottom lip, shaking her head. "No, I need to... I know that I'm- that I'm bisexual."
"I'm so proud of you," Lucy smiles at her, but Lauren doesn't feel proud, even though she knows actually saying it was a big step. "You know it's not a bad thing. I don't like to label myself, and I definitely prefer women, but that's just how we're made. It's okay that you're the same, and... and you shouldn't worry what your parents think. It's so obvious that they both love you so much."
Lauren's stomach churns, and she wants to vomit at the idea of telling her parents about it, not knowing that her mother can hear every word they're saying from where she is in the kitchen. "I just don't get why... why I hate it so much. I don't care that you like girls, but for me, it makes me..."
Lucy squeezes her hand. "Internalised homophobia is a horrible thing to deal with, because of the way society as a whole sees people like us. You've seen how we're treated and you don't want that to happen to you. It's like... it's a way of self-preservation that leads to self-hatred."
"How do I make it go away?" Lauren asks, because she'd do anything to stop feeling like this. "I feel so bad, Lucy..."
"I think the first thing you need to do is go to the doctor about your mental health right now." Lucy says, and Lauren knows it's for the best, even though she'd heard her parents debating it earlier. "And then slowly start being more open. I'm not saying you have to prance around wearing rainbows all the time, but just... letting yourself look at girls in that way, maybe saying something like she's cute, just little things like that can really help. You get more comfortable in it when you see that other people don't care."
"I don't know if I'll ever be able to- to prance around wearing rainbows." Lauren mumbles, "but I want to try and... and feel better about it. Not just for myself, but- you know. If you want to..."
"Don't rush yourself, and I've always told you that we don't need to put a label on anything. It's okay to just be friends with a few benefits," Lucy promises her, "jumping into a relationship and having a girlfriend isn't a good thing for you right now, since you're not over your... Camila, but you know I wouldn't be opposed to that in the future if that's what we both wanted."
Camila's name brings that resounding feeling of heartbreak, but Lauren tries to push that aside. Camila wants nothing to do with her, and Lauren knows that now. "I- I'm going to work hard at school for me. I never needed to do it for anyone, but... Camila- Camila always saw the best in me, and I want to be the person she saw."
"I'm proud of you, Laur," Lucy smiles, "and you'll always have me to help you if you need it."
When Lucy goes home, Lauren walks into the kitchen, and finds her mother making dinner. She awkwardly clears her throat, and Clara turns around, sending her another one of those tentative smiles, like Lauren is about to break. "Yes, sweetheart? Did you have fun with your friend?"
"Um, yeah," Lauren looks anywhere but her mother, "I think I need to go to the doctor."
Clara is quiet for a moment, but nods. "Okay, honey, we'll make you an appointment. Thank you for telling me."
Lauren wants to go crawl back into bed, tired after spending time with Lucy, but she sees what her mom is making and blurts out, "Do you need any help with dinner?" before she can stop herself.
Clara positively beams at the words, nodding, "Yes, come on, you can help chop the vegetables."
Lauren helps her mom make dinner, and when she goes to bed that night, she actually feels okay.
2013
She goes back to school with enough antidepressants to last her until spring break, when her parents are going to pick her up again and bring her home for the week, and as the weeks go by, the emptiness in her chest starts to fade and some of the light comes back into her eyes. She's more animated, nerding out to Lucy about the criminal law classes she'd taken, and one of her teachers calls her into their office after class, telling her about a college program at UCLA that they think would be perfect for her, and Lauren feels like she has a purpose for the first time in forever.
With a real goal, it's easier to cope, and she works her ass off, scoring higher than she ever has on tests to get what she wants, and as time passes, she sees how proud her parents are, how proud Lucy is, and she doesn't even realise she'd stopped hating herself until she's gotten used to the light feeling in her chest, and can't imagine it ever feeling so empty again.
She thinks the resounding moment for her is when she's home for Spring Break. She was bored one day, and wandered into the kitchen, finding a recipe for some cookies online. She was halfway through stirring the dough, singing along to the Paramore song stuck in her head, and as she pauses to taste-test the dough, she hears her mother whisper excitedly to her father, "Mike, she's singing again!"
She gets a copy of her report card just before summer break, and when she sees that there's nothing less than an A, she feels like everything was worth it. There's a warmth in her chest, and when she shows Lucy the report card, the older girl tells her how proud she is, and Lauren kisses her. They sleep together, and even though Lauren has slept with someone before, it's never felt that intimate. When they're lying in Lucy's bed after, Lauren is a little concerned, and she murmurs, "This won't ruin our friendship, will it?"
Lucy just laughs and gives her a gentle squeeze around the waist. "Nothing could ruin our friendship."
When she goes home for summer, her parents talk to her about transferring her back to her old school, and they tell her how proud they are, but Lauren says no, that she wants to stay at Carrolton. She knows that it's the best place to be, especially for help with college applications, and she wants to graduate with Lucy, the one person she can really call her best friend.
She works her ass off at school, and it's a stark contrast to the previous year, where most of the teachers hated her, because even though they won't admit it, she knows she's their favourite student. Her teachers help her with her college applications, and Lauren applies for as many scholarships as she can, and she's kind of ecstatic when Lucy tells her she's looking at UCLA too. She's so excited that she kisses her, and finally, properly comes out to her, comfortable enough in herself to know that she can take whatever the world will throw at her, but it's the last time they ever do anything more than platonic, knowing that they work better as friends.
2014
When she graduates with the knowledge that she's going to UCLA with a scholarship, Lauren finally knows she's healthy. She starts her life properly as she drives away from school with Lucy, incredibly grateful that she's in a better place.
She goes to Miami, dropping Lucy off at her house, and she doesn't even realise that she's driving past Camila's house until she's already passed it. She works over summer, building up funds for college, wanting to contribute something to her fees; her parents had paid for two years of private schooling, and while Lauren knows it was a necessity, it was because of her, and she wants to help out.
On the day she's moving out to college, Lauren sits her parents down in the lounge, and her heart is beating out of her chest when she tells them she's bisexual. Her dad is initially surprised, but it doesn't take him long to regain his composure when he sees the worry in Lauren's eyes. "Oh, thanks for telling us."
She's a little surprised by the lacklustre response, and when she looks to her mother, Clara is just smiling at her. "I know, honey. I heard you talking about it with Lucy years ago."
Lauren frowns. "And you didn't ask me about it?"
"You didn't sound ready when you were talking to her," Clara easily replies, "it was something you needed to work through on your own, and I knew you'd come to me when you were ready. And you have."
"Oh, well... okay," Lauren is completely bewildered that this thing she'd built up in her head as such a big deal just isn't. "That's... um, that's all I needed to say, then."
"Well, aren't you going to tell me if you're dating Lucy or not?" Clara asks, looking affronted. "I thought by now you'd have introduced her as your girlfriend."
"What?" Lauren frowns. "No, we're not- I mean, we tried, but no. That's not happening, and this whole conversation isn't happening, I'm going before you can ask me if I'm dating everyone I've ever known."
She acts annoyed as she finishes putting the last suitcase into the trunk of her car; she's driving across to LA with Lucy, on a summer road trip to their final destination, and they've booked hotels in a few places that seem fun to explore. As her mom talks, she brushes her off like every teenager is supposed to, groaning at the questions about a girlfriend or a boyfriend, but in reality, she kind of loves it, having her mom tease her about girls. It normalises it, and that's what Lauren has always struggled with, feeling like it's not normal.
Sometimes, as she's working through her freshman year at college, Lauren looks at Camila's contact in her phone, but she never calls it, because there's still that little part of her that believes Camila is better off without her, and she doesn't think that part will ever go away.
Lauren jolts awake as the plane bounces from the turbulence, and shifts slowly to get her phone from her pocket, not wanting to wake Camila. She checks the time, and realises that they'll be landing in twenty minutes, and she carefully pulls away from the younger girl and gets her book from her bag.
She decides that she's going to wake Camila up after they've landed, because she remembers that the landing is Camila's least favourite part of the plane journey. Gently, so not to disturb her, she rests her head on Camila's shoulder and opens up her book, reading peacefully.
liked by camrenjaurello, cabellojauregui97 and 4,958 others
camrenupdates: Camila and Lauren at Miami airport today (Nov 18, 2016)
camilajauregui: oh my god they're holding hands they're such a couple
camila_cabello: well lern the internet grandma wont see this but this is cute
laurenjauregui: There's an update account now????
cabellojauregui97: there's an update account for everything nowadays god camila was right when she said you were an internet grandma
laurenjauregui: She said WHAT now????
cabellojauregui97: scroll up in the comments grandma
laurenjauregui: @camila_cabello I am NOT an internet grandma!!! Fight me bitch.
camila_cabello: @laurenjauregui u ARE an internet grandma tho u literally didn't even know how to find my original comment
liked by dinahjane97 and 48,847 others
camila_cabello: cute pic i just took of @laurenjauregui tryna browse the internet xoxox luv u grandma xoxox
laurenjauregui: Fuck off