chapter 22
-Harry’s POV-
The hum of the car’s engine and the clink of my car keys hitting each other accompanied by the radio playing create the soundtrack to our trip. Ellie’s sitting next to me, looking out onto the Portland landscape. The leaves are beginning to turn brown and gold as fall slowly rolls in. She seems engrossed in her thoughts, her eyes darting back and forth trying to absorb the passing scenery. And goddammit, she’s biting her lip; my favorite of one of her many habits. It’s driving me crazy, almost enough distraction to pull my clouded fucked up head away from the thought of Gus and his unexpected arrival.
I had no intention to ever see the guy again, the shitty part of my life that included him ended around when I turned 18. But his presence reminds me of those dark days that brought my family pain, and, for myself, huge drug-induced highs. Ellie’s drumming her fingers to the music on her leg and the small movement brings me back to reality. I need to guarantee Gus will remain out of my life and more importantly, out of Ellie’s. Unfortunately, she fucking knows the guy. If only Ellie knew the full extent of Gus’s evil intentions and what, or rather, how much I owe him. His notorious drug dealing status and puppy-dog groupies are threat enough to get me to somehow pay him back without my parents or Ellie figuring it out. As much as I never want to see the guy again, I know that I will be talking to him sooner or later.
If only Ellie knew who her brother, Will, really was. She would be destroyed. She’s too fragile and naïve. I doubt she would even believe me if I told her that Will was an up and coming drug dealer on campus. He got involved with Gus and his crew and got drawn into the idea of easy money, popularity, and free drugs. Will obviously must have been a good liar because it seems that Ellie and her dad think Will was the golden boy. Sure, he could keep his grades and responsible reputation up around those who mattered, but when it came to dealing and getting high, Will was on top, or getting there at least. I met the guy a few times, but I doubt he would remember me. I never really made the connection when I first met Ellie that they were siblings. I didn’t know his last name was Hall. I know Ellie should know, but I’m avoiding the truth as long as possible. Telling Ellie who Will really was when he wasn’t around her would reveal a part of me and of Will that I know she wouldn’t like.
What worries me the most of Gus’s unwanted presence is the threat he so wickedly gave me. All I remember was the most sinister voice whispering into my ear at the Waffle House, “If I don’t get the money, I’m going to make sure your little girlfriend Ellie gets hurt. Badly.”
If we weren’t in a public place and I wasn’t standing in front of Ellie protectively, I would have punched the guy right there. Although I have been in my fair share of fights, and admittingly get a good rush out of them, I knew I wouldn’t have been able to take Gus and his friends.
Ellie must sense the tension in my jaw and see my knuckles turning white from gripping the steering wheel to contain some of my rage because she says, “Harry, I thought we were forgetting what happened back there. Stop radiating anger, it’s messing with my mojo,” she giggles.
I let out a sigh of relief to release the pressure in my chest, “Sorry, El. Gus is just…he’s just not anyone I ever want to see again and I fucking mad that he’s back.”
She cringes at my words, “I understand.” And I can tell by the look in her eyes she’s thinking about Liam. Fuck him too while we’re at it.
I need to change the subject, “So, any idea where we are going?” I ask as cheerfully as I can.
“No, Harry, and you know I like to know what’s happening!”
“Oh, you and your lists. Speaking of which, I haven’t heard any in a while. Am I corrupting you and your controlling ways?” I tease from the driver’s seat.
“Not in a million years, Styles. But for real, we have gone to many unbeknown places to me and I’m just hoping it’s not another place were some sketchy guy comes up to us or I get thrown into a lake off a bridge.”
“Hey, hey, hey, I seem to remember you very voluntarily jumping into that water with me,” I smile at the memory.”
“Yea, I guess. I don’t know—”
She’s cut off from her phone vibrating in her purse. Quickly, she digs it out and looks at the screen.
“It’s my dad, can I get it?”
“Sure, baby,” I smile at her. She picks up the phone and begins talking to him. I should probably call my parents and check up on them. They know about Ellie and really want to meet her, Remi especially does. I’ve never had a real relationship and I think it’s safe to say they were all surprised when I told them I have a girlfriend. I really want to Ellie to meet the people who give me so much in life, but knowing her, it would raise a lot of questions about my past and I avoid that shit likes it’s the plague. I tune back into the one sided conversation I’m hearing from my passenger.
“No, classes are fine, Dad, I already told you. I love my professor for my microbiology class…Really? I thought she retired….Well good for her for getting the job back. Speaking of her, by the way, do you remember Gus, Will’s friend from high school and college?” I cringe when I hear her bring up the name. Why the fuck is she involving her dad in this shit? So much for forgetting the encounter.
“You do? Well it’s so weird, because he showed up on campus when Harry and I were eating breakfast this morning…yes, Dad, geez, I’m still dating him,” she glances over at me quickly with a small smile.
“Well, I’m sure we will find a day to come up for dinner or something. Say hi to the neighbors for me…..Yep, love you too, Dad. Talk to you later.” Ellie hangs up.
I try to ignore the fact that her dad now knows about Gus being in PSU, “So, you told your dad about me?”
“Of course, Harry,” she laughs and it practically makes me forgive her. How can I ever stay mad at this girl? “He wants you to come to Seattle to meet him. I can show you around my home city, and if you’re lucky, you could even see my childhood bedroom. Pink, fluffy pillows and all.”
“El, I have been to Seattle before, I know my way around pretty well. But I will take you up on your offer of the bedroom. Got any skeletons in your closet?” Worse than mine? the thought pops into my head. I push it away.
“Nope, just tons of books on biology and the occasional gum wrapper. I keep my room very tidy.” She sits up straighter, as if it’s a ginormous accomplishment.
“Oh, I don’t doubt it, baby.” I point out the window. “Look, we’re here.”
I hear her gasp when she looks at the park we are pulling up to.
I tell her, “Laurelhurst Park; my favorite near Portland. My mom used to take me here whenever I wasn’t doing well in school or getting along with my friends. It’s a great place to…”
“Get away,” she finishes my sentence.
“Yeah, it is,” I breathe. I take in the changing trees, the calm water, and the people walking around on the paths. It’s not much, nothing too unique, but it’s new to Ellie and refreshing to be out in nature. I know it helped me a lot back with I was a young teenager with nothing but anger towards his birth mom and rage towards everyone else for not being able to let me be alone built upside my small, hormone crazed body.
We get out of the car and Ellie turns to me, grabbing my hand. “Guess we should have brought a light dinner or something, huh?”
“You know, El, everything doesn’t have to be planned out exactly. You need to learn to let others take control sometimes. Like me, your big and tough, nasty boyfriend.” I flex my tattooed scattered arms to tease her.
“Gee, mister, you’re strong,” she says in a sweet, baby voice and her eyes sparkle in the sun when she laughs.
I feel her hands, always cold, and bring them up to my face and blow warm air onto them. I look directly at her and she gazes at me with complete contempt. I rub my hands back and forth over hers, attempting to bring some heat back to them.
“Harry,” she whispers and it reaches event he darkest corners of my body.
I catch her gaze again and her eyes flicker to my eyes, my lips, my nose, and back up to my eyes. It’s so seducing. I drop her hands and grab her face with both hands, pulling her close. I feel every bit of her lips on mine, warming me up immediately. I kiss the corner of her mouth, her check, then I gaze her jaw line with my lips. I hear her let out her breath and I see her eyes close, giving herself over to the pleasure. I move down to her neck and I place my hands on her small hips. She moves her hands to my hair, and just how I like it, she pulls slightly when I reach her spot right behind her ear. I smell her, the fall air, and syrup from breakfast. It’s intoxicating. My thoughts blink back to Gus and I whisper into her goose bump-covered neck, “I will never let anyone hurt you.”
She nods, and that’s all I need to understand that she believes me. I move back to her mouth and I feel us move in sync. As I hold her hips, taste the flesh on her neck, and feel her wrists graze my face, I realize I love her body’s transitions; eyes to cheek, jaw to neck, wrists to hand, hips to legs, neck to shoulders. I want to kiss every inch of her body.
I kiss her once more, then I pull her back, “As much as I would love to stand here and kiss you all day, I don’t really want the public to see you like this anymore. That’s for me only. Plus, we came here for the park. Come on, let’s walk.” I take hold of her hand again and steal one last glance at her lips, all swollen and bee-stung. She blushes when she catches me staring.
“You’re beautiful.”
She blushes again, redder this time.
“Okay, whatever, Styles, let’s go,” she shrugs my compliment off. Why can’t she see what I see? How can I convince her that out of all the people in this park, gazing at the falling leaves and staring at swans on the lake, I have the best view?
We walk and walk and talk about the most random things. I tell her stuff, avoiding topics like the first four years of my life or my brother Niall or my real mother. And I especially don’t bring up the darkest year of my life after I turned 17. She tells me about her dad, her goals, everything she loves, and all I’m thinking the entire time is this is a real genuine person right here; a girl I’m falling for, a girl who makes me want to be better. I can feel her falling for me too and I don’t know how to stop it; even though Ellie knows me better than anyone, she still knows next to nothing about my past. And that’s on my account, but if I tell her, I know she will be afraid of me and leave.
And goddammit, that’s the last thing I want to happen.
Telling her would mean something different. So much more different from reluctantly giving tidbits to my parents or the multiple therapists I was cajoled into seeing before it seemed to the outside world that I got my act together. I still have a shit ton to figure out and I don’t want Ellie to know that I’m weak in some ways.
She brings me out my head, “I wish I would have brought my book, this seems like a great place to read.”
“I will bring you back sometime. How many books have you read recently?” I know fully well that literature is huge part of El’s life and I think it’s the most adorable thing. When I watch her read, totally concentrated on the words of the book, she gets a crease in her forehead just between her eyebrows. I always find myself leaning over to kiss the wrinkle, telling her quietly that it’s too soft to resist kissing. She gets totally lost and engrossed in the plots. I think it may be her way to escape from the harshness of reality.
“Um, besides school? Well, I normally read about one a week, I’d say.” When she registers the awed shock in my face, she adds quickly, “They are all fairly short books, Harry, I don’t have no life at all.”
“Whatever floats your boat, babe,” I smirk and her and drape my arm around her shoulders.
We walk some more and find a park bench to rest. I sit down and she plops down next to me, burrowing herself into my side.
“Jesus, I’m so cold, I have no idea why,” she clatters. “You’re so warm, do you not get cold, Harry?” she giggles.
“Nope, not really actually. I’ll keep you warm, angel.” I kiss her forehead and inhale the scent of her silk-soft hair.
If someone would look upon us now, they would see two people enthralled in each other. Not the gentle, innocent girl wrapped in my arms and the cold husk of man that I am. They see two college kids in love.
Is this what I’m feeling? Am I falling in love with Ellie? Am I even capable of loving someone who deserves so much more? Is Ellie capable of loving me? Surely, not. I don’t deserve her love, not in a million fucking years.
How can a heart like hers love a heart like mine?
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hope you liked it! laurelhurst park is actually a real place and its so so beautiful, i would so suggest looking up pictures of it. VOTE! love you guys!