depression
is living in a body that fights to survive
with a mind that fights to die
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kaycee
__
She was healing.
Until one day, she wasn't.
"I just can't do this," she found herself saying to her sister The one person she never wanted to hurt, since she had enough going on already. "I'm just not ready."
"Kayc," Kylie sighed, squeezing her hand as she sat up in her bed. "Don't you think it's time to address it?"
"Address what?" her heart broke as she spoke the words. "That you're dying, and there's nothing they can do anymore about it?"
"There wasn't anything that was going to change the end long-term," Kylie sighed, putting on the brave face she always wore. "We knew that going in."
"I thought," Kaycee said, staring up at the ceiling as tears burned in her eyes. "That they could help you."
"They tried, Kayc," Kylie weakly smiled. "You know what I've done. You know what the doctors have said."
"I just thought one of them would work," the younger Rice sister said softly, hanging her head low. "Just one," she choked out, and threw her arms around her older sister.
"Hey," Kylie said, tucking her sister's loose curl behind her ear and cupping her chin. "Don't give up on me yet, Kayc. I still haven't met this boy, right?" Her attempt at a joke settled Kaycee for a minute. "I'll bring him, Ky," she said. "Eventually."
____
"Are you sure you want me to come?" he asked nervously. "I mean, this is like meeting the parents, right?"
"She's my sister," she gave him a pointed look as she dangled her legs over the W, something that had become habit for her. "It's different." Since she had come home from the psych ward, he'd gone with her everyday to the sign, and they'd sat and talked, and then gone off to do other things. It was either their first or last stop, everytime. Sean said it was important for her to be able to come back to the site where it all went wrong and not feel the same way again.
She didn't view it that way anymore. At least not most of the time.
Most of the time, she viewed it as the place things finally started going right.
But deep inside, she knew her demons weren't quieted. It was enough to get her out. Hell, she could act with the best of them. Part of it came from living in Hollywood, part of it came from having an obsession with the fascination of becoming anything or anyone, with any life that you wanted to have.
"I guess," he said, taking a sip of his Coke. "But I still want to make a good impression on her."
"You will," she assured him. "Just don't state the obvious."
"The obvious?" he scratched his head, confused.
"That she's dying," she said flatly. "Sore subject."
___
"Hey Ky," she said, sneaking her head around the corner. "Someone's here to see you."
"Who?" Kylie asked sarcastically. "Should I do my hair?"
"Nah," Kaycee grinned. "It's this guy!"
Sean stepped into the room nervously, but instantly his posture changed into full, genuine confidence as he followed her. She felt his energy shift, even with her back to him. "This is Sean," Kaycee said as she sank down into the chair, the impact of the meeting hitting her like a train. Kylie's eyes widened. "Nice to meet you." Kaycee watched as Sean shook her sister's hand firmly. "It's my honor," he spoke evenly. "Kaycee talks a lot about you."
"Feeling is mutual," she nodded in respect. She turned to Kaycee. "Could you grab me something from the caf? I'm a little hungry."
"S-sure," Kayce stuttered. "Sean, we can-"
"No no," her sister said. "Sean can stay here. He'll keep me safe for three minutes, Kayc."
______
Sean
___
"She hates leaving me," Kylie stated matter-of-factly.
"I noticed," he laughed. "You guys are close."
"We have to be," she deadpanned. "When you have pretty much deadbeat parents, it becomes a thing."
"Yeah," he nodded. Can't relate, thank God. "I give you a lot of credit for that."
"Recently hasn't been me," she said. "It's been you. I've heard you helped her out a lot, Sean. Thank you."
"Anything for her," he said instantly. "She saved me too, you know."
Kylie's warm eyes softened his heart. "I'm glad she has something to hold onto. For you know, when I'm gone."
His heart tugged. "I don't want to ask if there's anything they can do, but...?" she shook her head, so he stopped. "I actually lost my granddad," he said, clearing his throat. "A couple years ago, to cancer."
"I'm sorry," she said. Being sympathetic even in their hard times must be a Rice gene, he thought to himself. "That must have sucked."
"I didn't really know him that well," he said. "I was too young to know. It was just like one day I woke up, and he wasn't there, and my mom was crying, it was just weird."
"I'm afraid of that," Kylie admitted. "Not so much of my mom or dad, but what's going to happen to her after."
"She's tough," Sean tried. Kylie looked at him knowingly.
"She tries to be. It's going to be soon, I know it," she sighed, rubbing her temples. "I just need to get her used to the idea so it doesn't hurt so much when it does come."
Kaycee reentered, tossing her sister a bag of chips, and looping her arm around Sean's. "I can throw you the soup too, if you want," she laughed, and Kylie rolled her eyes, but not before catching Sean's eyes and giving him a meaningful look, which thankfully went unnoticed by Kaycee. He knew that he and Kylie instantly had formed a bond over the thing they loved and wanted to protect most in the world: Kaycee.
They talked and laughed until visiting hours were over, and Sean got up to take her home. "It was nice meeting you," he said, giving Kylie a hug.
"You as well," she smiled. "Take care of her for me," she whispered to him in his ear before he pulled away. "Please." He nodded, her eyes burning into him, as she looked over his shoulder while Kaycee hugged her.
______
Kaycee
__
Kylie held her a little longer than usual, her hands in her hair as she kissed her on her head. "I love you, my little munchkin," she said.
"I'll be back soon," Kaycee giggled. "Like I have anywhere else to be."
Her sister smiled wryly, and there was an emotion that Kaycee couldn't detect underlying behind her eyes. "I know that, bean. I know."
"I love you," Kaycee said, hugging her sister one more time. "I'll see you soon."
____________
Soon never came.
two hours later, the lack of treatment combined with the power of the disease, and the middle rice child died in her sleep.
AN: hello my loves. this is actually a very personal chapter to me as well, because it sets up an important talking point about mental health. loss. losing someone is hard. whether they're gone permanently, or their presence is suddenly ripped away over a stupid rumor or a breakup. it's painful.
i lost someone very close to me recently, in the past year. losing them caused me to go in the worst spiral of me life, even worse than the breakup i've been talking to you guys about. i could barely make it through the day breathing, let alone doing anything else. i donated so much of my life to hurt and pain and anger at the situation, and i turned bitter and cold. i felt as if there were so many things i never got to say, stuff i never got to experience with them, problems i never got to heal.
it hurt me. i was breaking for a long time. even now, i still hurt, and while the breakup sucked, i endured and i made it through, but even now, this is the one thing i try not to think about, that i push out of my mind, and that i haven't learned to come to terms with yet. i'm still learning. it takes strength i don't have yet, but i'm proud of the fact i can recognize that.
if you are ever hurting because of loss, that is ok. don't fault yourself. it's normal. realize that yes, God or whatever figure you believe in up there, or just life in general, has created a hole that needs to be filled, and they're working on filling it. you must prepare yourself for the greatness of what is coming. it may be hard, and you may not let people in to fill the hole right away, something i've learned, and don't just go out looking for anyone to fill that hole right away. things worth having rarely ever come easy, fast, or fall into your lap. open your mind and heart to see what you need in your life. find out what you need in that hole, and see if you can be what they were to yourself.
you deserve to give the love to yourself that you give to others.
the holes will be filled. in time yes, because you must learn to love and live on your own.
good things are coming.
love,
kally jean.
~PS: feedback is always appreciated :) I love you guys and your words so much. ~