I've never known somebody who couldn't ever take their eyes off me before. I'm not stupid, I've know been checked out before, but it's nothing compared to the way Jennie has been staring at me for the past ten minutes. She looks afraid that she'll blink and I'll be gone.
I don't mind her looking at me. In fact, if there was a place on this earth farthest from caring, I would be at that place. A few minutes ago she came to a sudden halt, afraid I was leaving again. I wasn't going anywhere; she was under a street light and I wasn't.
Jennie opens the front door and gestures for me to go first. I happily oblige and feel her eyes burning into me even with my back turned. I feel like I did on my first date: I have no idea what to do or say without sounding like an idiot. When I turn back around, Jennie is kicking the door shut with her foot, her eyes never straying from me.
"Are you okay?" I ask her.
I don't feel uncomfortable when her eyes scan my face. "Yeah," she whispers.
"Do you want to talk down here, or upstairs?"
"We should go upstairs, my parents will probably be here soon," she says.
I nod in agreement and watch Jennie pull her cell-phone from her pocket. It must have been on vibrate because she answers right away. "Hey." Her eyes are still on mine. "Uh huh." She smiles back when I smile at her. "I can't make it tonight." I hear a male voice —Jongin— ask why the hell not. "I have somebody more important to see." Jennie doesn't say bye. She just turns off her phone and slides it back into her pocket.
"You should head up. I'll be there in a second." I promise.
Her head shakes. "No, you go first. I'll walk behind you."
"If you can still see me now, then I think we're okay. You probably shouldn't worry."
"Please. Just in case."
I can't argue with that
When we enter the bedroom I stop before I get to the bed and turn around to Jennie who is approaching. I have her undivided attention. "Is it all right if I sit down?" I nod toward the bed.
"You don't have to ask."
I sit down on the edge of the bed that I made this morning and press my teeth into my full bottom lip. I'm still unsure. When I notice Jennie still standing at the door, unmoving, I give her a shy smile and avert my eyes around the room. I feel her smiling at me more than I see it.
"I don't bite, sit down," I say.
It's Jennie's turn to look unsure as she walks over to the bed. I move up to lean against the headboard and she sits near the bottom of the bed, her eyes watching my hand run through my hair. It reminds me a little of my first and only kiss with a boy, except for the fact that Jennie hasn't pounced on me yet. As soon as I sat down on his bed, he was all over me.
Come to think of it, this situation is nothing like my first kiss with a boy. "Is this a staring contest?" I ask nicely. "Because I don't really need to blink. I'd kick your ass."
Her head shakes negatively and if I'm not mistaken, she looks a little flustered. "I'm sorry. I just...this is a lot."
"I know, it's okay," I placate her. "I'm sorry you're missing your date with Jerry," I say a second after, lying through my teeth.
"Jongin," she corrects. "And, it's okay. If I had to choose who I'd rather be sitting here with, it definitely wouldn't be him," she finishes with a long unsteady breath.
I smile at her and don't say anything when her eyes linger on my lips, unsure whether it was just wishful thinking on my behalf.
"Jisoo?"
"Hmm?"
"My heart is beating fast," she confesses.
I nod, understanding. "Mine would be too if, you know..."
I get a nod in response. "I mean, really fast. Like, I-just-ran-a-mile kind of fast."
"Are you okay?"
"I really, really am."
I chuckle because she's cute. "Well I'm really, really glad to hear that."
Jennie takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. "I can't believe you're here and that I can see you."
"Me either." I put a hand on my face self-consciously. "I don't look too terrible, right?"
She frowns briefly. "Uh, no. You don't look too terrible at all." Her tone suggested teasing at my mere suggestion.
"Really?" I ask, delighted.
"Definitely."
"That's good." I smile like an idiot and look down to my lap, quickly brushing some of my blond hair that keeps falling in front of my eyes away and behind my ear. "Do you want to ask me anything?"
"Are you okay?" she asks sounding like a little girl. "You don't hurt anywhere, do you?"
"I'm fine."
Jennie is looking at me intently. "You look normal," she says quietly. "I mean, you don't look...."
"Really?" I point to her paler than usual face. "Because you look like you've seen a ghost." I smile at her like that wasn't lame.
I get a small laugh from her, anyway. "Don't say things like that."
"Okay," I agree.
"It's strange," Jennie blurts out, sitting forward a little. "I had all these words planned out for if I ever saw you and now that I am, I've forgotten every one of them."
"It's okay," I reassure her. "I can't scare you anymore." I pout at the realisation. I love making her choke. I really am evil.
"You're scaring me right now."
"Why?"
She shrugs nonchalantly but I get the distinct impression she does know. I watch her look down to her hands for a second and I ask: "Do you want me to leave?"
Her head shoots up. "No," she states firmly. "No, I don't. Stay there."
"Are you sure? Because I don't mind." I start to get up, intending to leave her alone for an hour or two to allow her to get used to the idea of me literally being here.
Jennie leans toward me and raises her arm to block any further movement. "No." Her head shakes negatively. "I mean, yes, I'm sure. Don't move, okay? Just stay still."
I move back to my previous position and watch her watching me. "You don't have to be scared, you know," I say upon hearing her slow deep breaths.
"This is unbelievable."
"Understatement."
"Yeah," she agrees.
I throw a cushion at her after some silence. "Stop being quiet."
She plays with the corner of the cushion and remains serious. "Can I ask you something?"
"You can ask me anything you want."
"When did you know?"
I purse my lips out for a second. "Um, I think I knew when I had an unhealthy obsession with the pink power ranger. I'm a cliché like that." I smile.
I wasn't expecting Jennie to chuckle, but I happily join in. Her laugh is contagious. "No. I uh, I meant when did you know you were...you know."
"Oh." I shake my head and curse myself inwardly. "I um, I saw the newspaper," I say slowly. "And nobody would talk to me."
"It didn't..." she begins.
"Didn't what?" I prod gently.
Jennie avoids my eyes. "It didn't hurt, did it?"
I don't remember much of the accident, but I do remember that it hurt. It hurt so much I couldn't even scream. I give Jennie the answer I'm positive she wants: "No, it didn't hurt." For the first time since out on the street, her eyes close and she swallows thickly. She knows I was lying. "It was only for a few seconds," I rush out, trying to make her feel better with the truth. I died almost on impact.
The truck slammed into my side of the car. I saw it a split-second before it hit. It was red. I remember the impact, how much my left arm and shoulder hurt, the sound of the glass shattering, how the metal sounded when our car overturned, and the sound of screeching tires. I remember we were just trying to get home.
"Don't," she starts, still keeping her eyes closed as her head shakes, "don't say anything else. I can't hear it yet."
I agree to her request silently.
Her eyes open again and a second later they're on my own. I almost wish they weren't. They're so sad. "You're the nicest person I've ever met."
"Even if I make you choke on cereal?"
"Even then," she clarifies. "I'm so sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to upset you and make you leave. I just have this habit of not thinking before I speak."
If Jennie hadn't of upset me and made me leave the house, then we wouldn't be sitting here looking at each other and I wouldn't feel as if I was alive for the first time in a year. "I should be thanking you. If you did, then we wouldn't be here."
"I guess," she murmurs, sounding pre-occupied with something else.
"Is everything -"
"I really want to touch you," she cuts me off as her body moves toward mine. "But, I don't want it to hurt you."
I'd rather try and have it hurt than not try at all. I move both of my hands forward and Jennie moves further up the bed, looking into my eyes for permission to bring her hands closer to mine, which I grant immediately.
"As soon as it hurts, tell me and I'll stop. I promise."
"Sure." I don't take my eyes away from our hands inching toward each other on the bed. I think I'd do anything to feel her hands on my skin. There isn't much space left between our skin anymore and I try not to let it show that it's hurting me.
Jennie is able to tell regardless of my act and her hands pulls back immediately. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," I reply, though she will be able to tell by my voice that I'm frustrated.
"We'll find a way, okay? I mean, I never thought I'd be able to see you, but here I am, seeing what shade of brown your eyes are."
"Do you like it?" I ask, needing an ego boost.
She smiles endearingly. "I'm a big fan."
I scratch the back of my neck trying not to smile too much. "Good."
Jennie stretches and lets out a low sound which suggests she's uncomfortable, so I move over and pat the space next to me before pulling the pillow down to the mattress and lying down. She slides down beside me and mirrors my position of laying on my side before she blindly reaches behind her to put the bedside light on. It's getting dark and I think of the day spent with her. "You didn't have lunch. We should get you something for dinner."
"I'll get it later," she dismisses.
"Aren't you hungry? I'll make you pancakes if you want." I shift ever so slightly.
"No, don't move," Jennie says softly as her intense eyes penetrate my own. "I just want to look at you."
Jennie never did get dinner, but she didn't complain once. She looked content in memorising my face. We didn't talk much after that, except for me promising to be there when she woke up. I promised I would and she told me that, "Dead or alive, you're beautiful."