not edited
propreantepenultimate
[ latin for fifth to last ]
THIRD PERSON POV
Adrianna's eyes softly fluttered opened and she took on the sight above her - a bland white ceiling. Her surroundings smelt of antiseptics and medicinal - a nauseating, sickeningly sweet smell.
Casting her eyes forward, she made out silhouettes of figures, but wasn't able to make them out clearly—for her vision was still blurry in the distance—and she attempted to crane her neck just a bit.
But the minuscule action induced a small, raspy whimper from her lips. The hushed whispers became unruly voices and the figures rushed to her side. The closer they came the clearer she saw and Blake and Phoenix were the closest to her on either side of the hospital bed.
Blake looked utterly heartbroken and her eyes flickered to Phoenix - his bloodshot eyes and permanent frown made her heartache more than already was. She took in Pyper's tear stained face next to Blake with Talon standing behind her, his arms around her and a frown on his face. Hunter stood beside Phoenix, sobbing silently for his best friend, his sister; Judah stood alongside him, also with a frown etched on his face, and Marlowe and Eliezer stood at the foot side of her bed.
It's been three hours since Adrianna took her final breath, closed her eyes for the last time for what she knew, and was rushed to the emergency room. After rushed and hurried movements from paramedics through CPR and the defibrillator, she was brought back to life. But it was all a hazy period for her, Adrianna was rather oblivious to what happened.
Once the life slowly started to seep back into her being, they had given her an oxygen mask to help stabilise her breathing - though she wouldn't remember any of that. They had put her under neuroleptics—major tranquillisers—to calm her down and painkillers to ease her pain. It all put her to sleep, causing her to slowly wake up only now.
She glanced around worriedly, meeting each and every one of their gazes and she opened her mouth to speak, but body wracking coughs escaped her instead. Her head pounded, her chest burned, and her heart ached.
Before the crew could open their mouths to speak, Adrianna's doctor—a dainty old man, grey haired, wrinkles and all—walked in with a kind smile gracing his lips. Immediately, her friends left her side and went to the corner of the room - all except Phoenix, who stayed put, holding her trembling hand in his.
"Ms. Vasiliev, you've finally woken up. Do you know why you're here?"
"I-" The girl began to rasp out with a dry voice. Her eyes drifted to the various tubes and wires connected to her and she felt her already throbbing heart, throb even more.
Adrianna's eyes widened slightly and she felt anxiety settle in the pit of her stomach seeing the two needles stuck into the flesh on the back her hand and held down by a sand coloured gauze. Nausea and dizziness swirled in her mind and she forced her eyes away from the sight. All the while, she wracked her brain, trying to recall memories from the past however long before decided to shake her head, not remembering.
"Okay," the doctor scribbled on his clipboard before meeting her confused eyes once again.
"What's your full name?"
"Adrianna Ell-" cough and whimper, "Ellington Vasiliev," cough. She wanted desperately to clutch her chest, cry out in pain, something; she wanted the pain to stop, but she remained laying, unmoving.
"When is your birthday?"
"February," cough, "Fourteenth, two thousand."
"I see that you're in pain, yes? Can you explain to me where and how bad?
"My-" A series of dry, body shaking coughs erupted from her and she managed to choke out a small 'water, please,' and Phoenix wasted absolutely no time pouring some into a plastic cup and holding it to her chapped lips.
"Drink slowly, it might hurt your throat a bit," the doctor said and she nodded faintly.
Adrianna began to speak again once she was done, "My head, it's throbbing like a usual migraine I'd get, my-"
"And how often do you get migraines?"
"Three times a week? Four times?"
The doctor's eyes narrowed and it looked as if he was staring off in the distance, lost in thought for a split second before he nodded and wrote down notes.
"What else, Ms. Vasiliev?"
"My chest is like... searingly burning and my heart is thrumming violently in my chest, worse than I've ever felt it before," she stated in a faint and crumbling voice whilst the doctor scrawled away on his notepad.
"Do you have troubles sleeping at night?"
Adrianna made the slight movement of nodding her head before stilling and whimpering in pain and settling to speak. "I have chronic insomnia."
The doctor nodded before tucking his clipboard under his arm and walking over to Adrianna. She looked up at him with anxious eyes and he looked down at her with a crestfallen gaze.
"Adrianna, as for what happened to you," he took a deep breath, "Your heart stopped beating, for six minutes." Adrianna's eyes widened as her jaw fell ajar; she felt her heart seize in her chest as she gasped for air. Her eyes involuntarily flickered around the room and she saw all of their forlorn, melancholic eyes.
"I- what?"
"We've been running tests and it looks like you have dilated cardiomyopathy. This happens when your heart muscle is too weak to pump the blood needed. While your muscles stretch and become thinner, the chamber of your heart expands. In other words, you have an enlarged heart.
"The cause of this is most likely coronary artery disease, which we are running more tests to see if that is the case. But from now, you need to take life slow. Stress, anxiety, pressure, all of it has to stop. Share your stress, talk about your feelings regularly, and do not overwork yourself.
"The more you hold it in, the more you're allowing complications to rise within. Cardiomyopathy can lead to an irregular heartbeat, heart failure, or heart valve issues."
Adrianna listened intently, murmuring okay here and there.
"We're seeing that you will be here for the next two days; as for your pain, a nurse will come and decide if you will get more painkillers since you were given strong enough tranquillisers hours prior.
"Questions?" He looked from Adrianna and then to the crew with a raised brow. He gave a single nod when they all said shook their head no and left the room.
"Adrianna," Pyper fell into a sob, running from Talon's arms and to Adrianna, gently kissing the girl's forehead before softly burying her face in Adrianna's neck and just crying. Tears silently rolled down Adrianna's face as she tried to hold back, but it was hopeless.
The next few hours were spent with Adrianna and the crew talking—and crying—for—and with—the said girl. They were all wracked of their nerves and anxiety ridden for the girl that was such an important part of each of their lives. And Adrianna, oh Adrianna, how her mind raced with thoughts of what was coming her way. But it would be nothing that she could have ever thought of.
Amidst the time spent together, Phoenix and Adrianna shared merely a single moment together—a silent one at that—simply staring at their reflections in each other's clear irises. The crew realised this and left them, huddling together once again in the corner of the room, leaving them to their own devices. No words were said between the two and the instance didn't last long before Phoenix left the room entirely - shattering her heart in her chest once more.
The action didn't go unnoticed by the gang. And it was Blake who popped the question, what happened, to which Adrianna replied tearily, I've been asking myself the same.
—
Two days flew by quickly, both being Phoenix-less days and Adrianna found herself wondering if her heart ached from her condition or his indifference. She thought he'd at least be by her side throughout her entire stay at the hospital, but oh, how she was so wrong.
Blake—always the observant—wasn't too keen on the way he saw Phoenix treating Adrianna. Though he had a rather reserved and calm demeanor, he wasn't too far from fighting his brother and demanding answers—for he noticed changes in Phoenix's behavior since days prior to their little adventure to New Zealand. And he knew better than to jostle Adrianna and question her about it - prod at her too hard and she might just fall apart entirely.
Though no one could hide their incredulity, it certainly did come as a surprise when Phoenix showed up to take Adrianna home once she got discharged later in the day. After signing her release papers, she followed him wordlessly, even when his arm came gently around the small of her waist and he pulled her into his side.
Their time together, however, didn't consist of much. The car ride back to the mansion was silent as ever - only their erratic breathing was audible. He didn't bother to turn on the radio and she knew better than to touch the dials, so she settled for watching the scenery of the sunshine state as they cruised by.
Arriving at the mansion, Phoenix pulled into the drive smoothly before cutting the engine and getting out of the car. He was by Adrianna's side before she could open her door herself and he opened it for her, picking her up in his arms bridal style. Entering the mansion, he stayed quiet and Adrianna peered into his eyes, seeing him utterly lost in thought. He took her straight to her room, laying her down gently on her bed.
The brute didn't mutter a single word before he turned on his heel and left her room, closing her door softly behind him. And an unruly tearful Adrianna willed herself to sleep.
§
three days later
Adrianna woke up from her nap, grimacing when she felt her damp pillow and tear streaked face. She knew Phoenix was avoiding her, staying as far away from her as possible, but she didn't know why. She even knew as much as that he'd been drinking quite recklessly lately - evident with the various liqueur bottles she'd seen through his slightly cracked door when she passed by earlier, returning to her room from the kitchen.
Lately, the crew and surprisingly, Aurele, kept her company, visiting her in her bedroom and other times forcing her to go out with them for a little, just for fresh air and so she wouldn't close herself off in her room. But as much as she loved them all endlessly, they weren't enough to close the gaping hole left by none other than the boy who had her heart in his palms.
She was hurting, far worse than she could have ever imagined. Maybe their love wasn't one that would be everlasting, but she could only hope. Adrianna heard his late night conversations across the hall while she laid awake at night staring up at the ceiling or the night sky. She heard his throaty laughs, his deep voice, and she wondered who he was talking to. But she felt at an utter loss, he was clearly set on avoiding her like the plague, and all she could think was - were we still together?
Today, however, despite her teary face, Adrianna was over Phoenix's bullshit. She wanted answers, and she wouldn't stop at nothing until she got them. She slowly got out of her bed, careful not to make any sudden or harsh movements before she ended back up in the hospital and walked into her en suite.
A mere nine minutes later, she was freshened up, clear of any tears and slipped into a blank façade, grinding her molars together. She walked over to her door, opening it quietly and padding her way over to his and all but barged into the brute's room. His head snapped up from hanging lowly as he wrote in a notebook on his bed and his eyes met hers, a fire burning inside his irises.
He shut the book, leaving it along with his black Muji pen on his white comforter before getting off the bed, standing up with flaring nostrils.
"What happened," Adrianna asked incredulously with equally wide, incredulous eyes.
Phoemix chuckled humourlessly, shaking his head, "I can't do this anymore."
Though she expected something of the sort, she couldn't help but flinch back at his words. "Can't, do, what?" She bit back with just the same amount of malice in her voice.
"This," he fired at her, waving his hand between them, "Us, this."
"Why not?" She asked eerily calm, never once slipping out of her façade.
"Because Adrianna," he took a deep breath, staring at her pointedly, "I can't be watching you, holding your hand in every living moment as if you're my bloody child," he all but sneered.
"Excuse me," Adrianna questioned with crinkled eyebrows.
"Adrianna, I can't, I just can't breathe down your neck every moment of your life, making sure that you're keeping your health in check. I can't help you, if you can't help yourself," he shrugged indifferently.
"Is this because of what happened this past week and being rushed to the hospital?" She questioned with narrowed eyes and she screamed in frustration when he simply nodded.
"I have coronary artery disease!" The girl shouted, finally losing every ounce of patience she had.
"I know that you have that," he hissed, "But-"
"But nothing, it was bound to bloody happen, Phoenix," she sneered his name, "There was no way of controlling my fainting that day, Jesus Christ, everything just hit me like a tonne of bricks, all at once and my heart was at its weakest. There, was, no, stopping what came after," Adrianna said through gritted teeth.
"Fuck!" He threw his hands in the hair, "I can't fucking do this, I just can't."
"So you just give up." She had meant for it to be a question, but instead came out as a statement with a hint of nonchalance and a dull eye roll.
"I didn't give up, fucking hell woman," he said exasperatedly.
"So then what Phoenix, what's holding you back, or so God help me-"
"I've fallen out of love with you," the brute nearly shouted, his voice cracking at the end causing Adrianna to stumble back in shock.
"I am tired of watching you be reckless with yourself," he said in quieter tone and she flinched again. Was I really being reckless? The new question swirled in her mind. Of course I was, I always was. But with my health? I didn't think so.
"What?" The one-worded question left her lips as a whisper.
"Maybe it was just lust from the start," this time, he spoke with an air of nonchalance.
"Wh- How could you say that," she finally felt tears clouding over her irises, "Y-You told me you loved me," she stuttered out weakly.
"I lied," he spat out the word before adding bitterly, "I'm sorry for breaking you.
"I am Phoenix Worthington, aren't I? The brooding bastard," he smirked sardonically and Adrianna felt the violent thrum of her heart in her chest. And his next words were enough to send her crumbling to the ground, burying her face in her palms as she sobbed wholeheartedly.
"You will always be my greatest regret," he said with finality ringing in his tone before storming away.
ADRIANNA'S POV
"You will always be my greatest regret," are the words that kept replaying in my mind. And my subconscious won't shut up. I sat on the floor of his room, crying, sobbing, my whole body wracking. All I could see was his face as he yelled those words before he stormed out of his room and out of the mansion, probably to take a drive.
I know he was mad, - well that's an understatement - he was seething. And he was spiralling on the edge to going ballistic. But how could he be angry when I hadn't done anything; he was the one who essentially gave up on us. I don't know how long I sat there, on his room floor, crying, but I was thankful the rest of the crew wasn't home.
I picked myself up, not without letting a painful scream; my whole body hurt. And my chest, it burned, it hurt, and it just burned. I didn't know how I felt at the moment. I felt lost, I felt unsure, and I felt goddamn sick. I walked across the hall into my room and grabbed my notebook and a few pens. And I sat on my floor. I turned to a fresh page and started writing in my slanted cursive.
Finishing up the signature of my last name and three x's, I ripped the page out of my notebook and got a rose from the bouquet in the vase on my dresser. I walked back into his room, stopping momentarily as I glanced around and memories of moments together with him replayed painfully in my head.
People truly are like cassettes, I thought, our memories just play and replay, pausing at the painful memories, fast-forwarding over the ones worth remembering and then stopping completely. I put the letter and rose on his nightstand near his bed and returned to my room.
The in between of my hazy, rushed, and dazed movements was when I lost all sense of rationality. I was no longer thinking coherently as I grabbed a duffel bag and haphazardly threw in clothes and undergarments. After, I grabbed my Herschel backpack and started throwing in my notebooks, a few first edition classic novels that I couldn't live without, a small ipsy bag filled with my favourite makeup, and my MacBook. The last thing I did before walking out of my room was snatch my bucket list from my closet door, rolling it into a scroll and placing it on top of my clothes in my duffel and lastly, zipping the said bag.
I walked down the corridor and into the living room, glancing around and feeling numerous memories rush back to me. I knew my heart was not fully recovered, I knew I was taking on a lot of anxiety, I knew I wasn't living life slowly, but with my head always spinning, there was just not time to ever breathe.
I knew, God I knew, I wasn't thinking straight, I was acting on my feelings—symptomatic of always wearing my heart on my sleeve—and I was being wrongfully so, impulsive. But I knew nothing else. I needed to be selfish, I had to be, I needed to get away from him; my heart shattered in my chest on repeat and for once in my life, I knew I couldn't hold it in and pretend to be strong - I would only crumble in time. I loved wildly and recklessly, I got hurt and I didn't care—I craved feeling—but I just got burned by fire, I doubt I could survive any type of heartbreak that could come again so soon.
Opening the front door, I was ready to walk out. I turned back once more, glancing all around the mansion. I closed my eyes painfully before muttering, "Thank god for that scholarship at Cambridge," and I walked out with a frown etched on my face.
It was time to leave, walk away and not turn around, and start anew in England.
———
what do you think is in adrianna's letter to phoenix? and what are your thoughts on what adrianna's done at the end there?