Shocked didn't even begin to describe what I was feeling in that moment as I heard the words I so desperately wished weren't true. But Jay kept crying uncontrollably, saying she and Jordan had driven over and found her. She didn't give much detail, and I could barely understand what she was saying. Eventually she said she had to go and hung up.
My thoughts seemed to be coming in slow motion as I dropped my phone onto the carpeted floor and sank to my knees, tears spilling out of my eyes. I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes, sitting and rocking on the floor. Soon after, I started hiccupping and it became hard to breathe. I had never cried so much that my hiccups cut off my breathing.
I heard a voice and then footsteps as Maia ran upstairs. "Rosie? Are you okay?" I heard her asking before my door opened. She saw me on the floor and instantly dropped down next to me, wrapping her arms around me. "Oh, Rosie, what happened?"
I didn't answer, and she soon realized why I wasn't saying anything.
"Okay, honey, just breathe with me. Okay? In."
I forced air into my lungs, chilling my throat. My entire body was hot.
"Out. Come on, you're okay," Maia said.
I finally was able to breathe normally and Maia asked what happened. "Jay called me about Paige," I said, dreading saying the words out loud.
Maia's eyes widened. I could tell she was concerned.
"I don't know how it happened, Jay didn't tell me, but Paige is—Paige died." They came out in a rush and a small wave of tears flowed from my eyes, Maia pulling me back into a hug.
"I'm so sorry," she said, rubbing slow circles on my back.
We sat on the floor for a long time while I calmed down. Once I was calm, Maia informed me that Demi was coming back for her month off.
"When?" I asked, numbly.
"This weekend."
I sighed. When Demi had left after Thanksgiving, everything was fine, but now she would come back to this news. I didn't know how I was supposed to tell her. I'd barely been able to tell Maia.
"Can you tell her?" I asked. "About Paige?"
"Of course." She hugged me one last time before helping me stand up.
"I'm just gonna go to bed early," I said, setting my backpack on the chair at my desk. "And, um, can I stay home tomorrow?"
"Yes, of course. I'll call the school in the morning. But you don't want dinner?"
I shook my head. "I can't eat right now. I'll try to eat in the morning." I added the second part, hoping it would keep her from thinking I had an eating disorder again.
She nodded and left after saying goodnight.
I washed my tear-stained face and changed before climbing under the covers.
~//~//~//~//~//~//~
Demi came home on Sunday and Maia told her about Paige. She couldn't believe it and quickly made her way to my room. Over the weekend, it had become a mess. Clothes were in a pile next to the closet and I had a bunch of granola bar wrappers laying around, because I just didn't feel like moving.
"Rosie, sweetheart?" Demi said.
I sat up, scratching my head. It had been a few days since I washed my hair, and it was greasy and my scalp was, no doubt, suffering.
"How are you doing?" she asked.
I just shrugged.
She came and sat next to me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders.
Silence overcame the room as we just sat there. There were no words to help how I was feeling, and nothing could bring Paige back.
Before Demi left, she told me the funeral would be Friday. I just nodded, climbing back under my blankets and Demi closed the door behind her.
All that week, I didn't go to school. Maia and Demi were able to get my assignments, but they sat untouched on my desk. I barely left my room until Friday came.
I dressed in a black dress and boots, and braided my hair. I kept my makeup simple with some powder foundation to covers a few blemishes that had popped up, mascara and eyeliner and pink lip gloss. I knew I would be crying, so I made sure to use waterproof makeup.
With a final glance around my messy room, I headed downstairs where I met Maia and Demi, also dressed for the funeral.
We made the drive in silence and took seats in the front row. There was a podium in front of Paige's light pink casket where Jay would give the eulogy. Tess had wanted to do it, but she couldn't contain her sobs, leaning into Isaiah, while Jordan looked numb. Jay sat next to me while Paige's parents spoke about their only daughter.
"She was always getting into trouble as a little girl," her mom, Candice, said. "I knew she would be a rambunctious teen, and I always believed she was meant to do great things." She stopped here, dipping her head as she started crying.
Her husband, Mike, held her close. "Paige was never one to back down from a fight. I remember one time she was being bullied and she kicked the girl's tooth out."
There was a small wave of laughter and Jay tensed beside me, smiling like she knew something no one else did.
When Paige's parents were done, Jay got up, unfolding a piece of paper. She stood behind the podium, eyes red.
"I knew Paige a long time ago. The bully? That was me. I made fun of her for something dumb, I think it was her shirt, and she kicked me, knocking one of my teeth out. After that, we became best friends, and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better friend. Paige taught me how to not give two fucks about what anyone thought of me. I have her to thank for shaping me into the person I am now. But... there was a side of Paige that she didn't want anyone to know about, but I think you all deserve to know now. Some of you know she was in a relationship. It wasn't a good one, and she turned to, to drugs to numb her feelings about it."
My eyes went wide and I glanced around. the only people who weren't shocked were Jordan, Tess, and Isaiah. Did they know?
"Paige died on December 9, 2021 of a cocaine overdose. My girlfriend had been really worried about her, so my brother and I went to Paige's house. Nobody answered and we, um, we had to break a window to get in. Sorry," she added to Paige's parents. "We called out for her, but we didn't get any answer. We checked everywhere in the house and finally found her in the garage on the couch. There were needles and lines of cocaine on the table." Jay started to get choked up, looking down, hands squeezing the sides of the podium. "There was blood coming out of her nose and I could just tell she was gone. I broke down and it took a long time before I was able to move, or even speak again."
Tears pricked my eyes, Demi's hand finding mine. I held it tightly, trying to keep my tears in.
"I'm so sorry for your loss," Jay continued. "I knew about her addiction, but I was too stupid to do anything. I confronted her a couple times and... and I shouldn't have believed her when she said she would stop. If I had listened to my instincts, she would still be here, and for that I don't think I can apologize enough."
After this, she couldn't speak anymore and Paige's dad led her back to her seat. She leaned over and hugged me while I just sat there in shock at the revelation of Paige's cause of death.
Looking back, it made sense for how happy she was and then how depressed she would be afterwards. And the blood in my bathroom. I didn't know how I could have been so naïve not to realize what was going on. I was familiar with the signs of drug use, but when it mattered most, I'd missed all the signs.
My tears finally flowed when the casket was lowered into the ground. I couldn't believe Paige was inside, unmoving. Nobody would ever hear her laugh or see what hair color she would do next. She was too bright of a flame to be dimmed and it suddenly hit me how much she meant to me. I held onto Jay, both of us sobbing.
Once the funeral was over, Jay and I were leaving, when she led me over to Jordan. I instantly noticed Jay's demeanor change.
"Jordan, I need to talk to you," she said. Demanded, rather. Where was this anger coming from? And why was it directed at Jordan? What had he done?
"What?" he asked, voice raspy.
"I know you're still using."
Her words hit me almost like a slap, but she wasn't done.
"I've almost lost you once, and now we lost Paige. You need to quit before it kills you."
Jordan nodded, expression turning from somber to angry. "I'll quit as soon as you stop buying pills that aren't prescribed to you."
My mouth dropped open and I quickly covered it with one hand.
"Oh, she didn't tell you?" Jordan said to me. "Yeah, Jay here buys some junior's Ritalin. You're such a hypocrite," he spat at Jay before leaving.
I turned to her, both of us messes of emotions from the day and all the revelations.
I desperately wanted to believe Jordan was just angry and lying, but the look on Jay's face told me everything I needed to know.