i will love you
longer than a thousand sunsets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sean
___
He held her all through the night, letting her rest on him. She seemed as if she had not slept for weeks. She would shake occasionally, and he would wrap his arm around her waist and squeeze gently, letting her know that her demons would not get past his protective hold. His heart beat quickly as the tiny brunette wrestled with her nightmares and he folded her in closer, vowing that nothing would hurt her.
He'd been there, too, with his anxiety.
Sometimes sleeping was just as bad as staying awake.
____
She was trembling more viciously this time. He stirred, and held her head with his arm, hoping he could drown out the noise. "Kayc," he murmured. "Kayc."
"Sean," her eyes flew open and she shuddered into him, her head resting over his shoulder as her cries subsided. She whimpered his name as he ran his hand through her hair and down her back, tracing circles comfortingly. "Sean."
"I got you," he promised, feeling her tiny body fit into his. "I'm here."
Her brown eyes fell on him. "I'm scared."
"Of what?" he asked, concerned. Panic rose in his chest. "Did I hurt you?" Damnit. He cursed himself then. I didn't mean to hurt her. I thought I was being careful.
Careful enough not to use a condom, his brain reminded him. Don't remind me, he retorted back mentally. Sorry if I wasn't exactly visiting a psych ward with sex in mind.
"No," she sighed, falling back into the pillow, running her one hand up his chest and cupping his jawline in her hand. He nestled his cheek into her palm as she gently stroked it with her thumb. "I just worry," he murmured against her skin.
"I know," she exhaled.
"Then what are you scared of, bean?" he asked, brushing one of her curls behind her ear.
"You," she smiled wryly.
"Me?" he asked. Of all things, why would he be the thing she was afraid of? "Was it last night? Were you not comfortable? Did I do something wrong? I-"
"Not at all," she laughed gently. "And if you did, it's not like I would've known." She grinned. What she was saying hit him like a train. He had taken her....whoa. "I know what you're thinking," she said, reading his face. "I'm ok."
"Why are you scared?" he asked her, suddenly feeling very nervous.
"I don't want to lose you," she answered him, averting her eyes.
"Lose me?" he laughed, amazed how she could even think about that. "Lose you?' she nodded weakly. "I will never lose you, Kayc," he kissed her softly. "I'm here until you want me to stop being here."
"Never," she said against his lips.
"Then forever," he said, pulling her on top of him. Her legs loosely wrapped around his waist in her shorts and his shirt, clad on her now, leaving him bare-chested, fell on his skin softly, as it dwarfed her frame. Her arms found their way around him and her head rested under his chin, which he sat on top of her, the silent gesture claiming that she was his and his to protect.
"Even though I'm here?" she asked sleepily.
"It won't be like this for too much longer, right?" he said, lifting up her fingers and intertwining them with his. "Then you get to come home."
"And do what?" she asked him tearfully. "Start this all over again?"
"No," he said, gripping her hands tightly. "You're not going to go back there. You've been there, Kayc. You've seen it, and you came out of it, you're better than that now. I know you are."
"What if I fall?" she asked, lip quivering.
"I'm here to catch you," he breathed, matching her lips with his and falling into them slowly.
"Always?"
"Always."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kaycee
____
By the time she had snuck Sean out, since visitor's hours were way over from last night and way before starting this morning, she was already feeling exhausted. And her two week exit treatment started today. She was nervous.
Her hair was still wet from their shower before he left, but she got back in, cranking the water to all the way hot. She sighed and closed her eyes as the water burned her skin, the drops sliding down her slicked skin. She was feeling anxious, so she hoped it would help her breathe. She liked showers. She did some of her best thinking there. She pressed her forehead against the tile walls and splayed out her fingers on the cooled grooves of the wall, tapping her nails to the glossy material. God damn.
She hadn't exactly processed everything that had gone on, but now she was.
She couldn't believe she'd done what she had with him, as that was like, the literal ultimate exposure that you could have to another person.
She took a deep breath and let go of the wall and leaned her head back.
I'm falling in love, she realized. And I'm tired of fighting it.
There were a few things in life that she thought were worth living for.
Sunsets.
Stars.
and now him.
Sean.
She had an affinity for the letter S, it seemed. She smiled to herself.
When was the last time you were this happy?
She couldn't remember. But she knew now that she wanted out of here. Sean had pulled her out of the darkness, but he could only move the mountain so much. The rest was up to her. She still had a long way to go.
She looked at her wrists, still marred, but not reopened since she'd been sent to the ward. I am healing, she thought, testing the words out on her tongue. This does not define me anymore.
They had defined her for so long. And she'd let them tell her story. But when she looked into his eyes, she suddenly felt the need to be vulnerable again, but not in the self-tormenting way she'd demolished herself in. She'd let herself sink into pieces, and she'd almost died without ever knowing truly how it felt to be loved by anyone other than her mother and sister. There was something about him that made her want to be saved.
She had so much further to go, because those scars told many stories, many stories that were the result of unformed words she never had the courage to speak out loud. Stories that, if she did mention them, were only the tip of the iceberg from what had actually happened. She had been laying awake at 3 am, tears streaming down her face as the anxiety tore through her body, she had been standing, shaking as she looked in the mirror, the razor raised and ready to do it, she had been hunched over a bathroom toilet, two fingers down her throat as she tried to make herself worth being proud of, she had been all of those places, and the saddest part was, that each one of those places felt right.
The water rained down and the steam rose up, and she sighed, not wanting to wash his touch away from her. She missed his presence already, and it was like her whole body ached without having him by her side, as if she was just a shrunken image of herself, not the full thing. She knew that they said once you found love, it completed you, but she never knew it'd be like this.
Out of all the places she had been, she knew this was the one she was meant to be in.
She was healing.
AN: i really stepped out of my comfort zone on this one and tried to let all that's inspired me recently in this community take flight in the solace of my words.
let me know how i did :)
______
healing is a beautiful process. only the strongest can make it there, because it means they can not give up, they did not give up, and they will not give up. so if you're healing, god bless your broken road, no matter how broken it was, because it lead you back to a stage of infancy from which you can grow. you will rise and you will become whole again.
there is so much to be proud of from that.
for once i was the one who didn't think it was getting better. i gave up hope. i was ready to be finished and i accepted that i was letting it break me and define me and take what i had worked so hard to hold onto away from me. i was ready to give up being happy for that boy and those comments and that awful, toxic, emotional abuse. i was ready to beat down on myself for making those mistakes. but i got back off the floor, and if I can, I know you can too. why? because everyone has hope, my loves. there is hope for everyone. but you must know how to look. then you can heal.
and if you are like i was, and you are struggling to find yourself even wanting to get to that stage, think of the fact that every bad day, all of the pain you have felt, you have survived 100% of those bad days. the force that really is the powerful one, my dears, is you.
you have gotten through it.
you will get through it.
and if you're getting through it right now, i salute you.
you are brave. you are beautiful. you are strong.
love and best wishes for all of you,
kally jean :)