As much as I didn't want to do what I was about to, it needed to be done. My 18 week pregnant belly was starting to get noticeable—I couldn't really hide it anymore—and I could barely make it through any of my shifts without collapsing. I followed behind Colleen, hating that things had to be this way. She made her way to the office and sat down behind the desk, motioning for me to sit as well. It was even more nerve wracking for me because this was not something I'd ever had to do before.
Colleen just smiled at me before asking me how I was doing and what I needed to talk with her about; "well... I'm okay. Thanks, but I'm here to put in my two weeks. I have a lot going on in my personal life at the moment and, although I love working here and all the people, it's becoming extremely difficult to balance everything out properly."
Her smile faltered a bit as I handed her the envelope, and she sighed before speaking, "I'm sorry to hear that, Wren. You're an extremely hard worker and we'll miss having you here." She paused for a moment seemingly contemplating her next words then said, "well, if you ever change your mind, you're more than welcome to always come back to us."
"Thank you for understanding." I said, she was typing away on the computer. We worked out what day would be my last and finished up quickly.
As I was heading out of the building I caught a glimpse of Xavier. His eyes were roaming over me and I almost stopped in my tracks and turned to walk in the other direction. But somehow I held my ground and continued walking towards where he was seated (which also happened to be the same direction as the door). Xavier began to get up and make his way towards me. I moved as close as I could to one side of the walkway out of his way and looked away from him. My heartbeat was through the roof at this point, but I was trying so hard to remain calm.
As he passed me, his arm brushed mine and his hand latched to my shoulder for a couple seconds. Anyone who may have been watching could have seen it as a friendly gesture to say "excuse me" as we were passing each other, but I knew his intentions were to upset me. And it worked. Because all that went through my head was the one thing I'd been actively trying to forget. It seemed I never could.
I fought the tears as I walked outside and once I made it to the safety of my car, I couldn't stop them from falling. Max was sitting in the driver's seat, most likely confused as hell as to what was going on, but he just rubbed my back trying to comfort me until I calmed down a bit, "what's wrong?"
"I can't.. I can't do this anymore, Maxie. This shit's too hard and I don't have the energy anymore. It's too much."
"You can. You can do it. You're so strong. The strongest person I know. You can do this."
I didn't bother responding to him, too lost in my own thoughts. By the time we made it home, my heart was in pieces and I was in such a depressive state I wasn't sure when I'd be able to get myself out of it.
I slowly made my way up the stairs and into my room. I rolled onto my side on my bed, facing the wall, and let everything I had been holding back for so long out.
The sobs wracked through my whole body, causing me to shake. All the frustration and pain, just couldn't seem to be contained. I felt like screaming.
I can't do this anymore.
I didn't know how to handle all the turmoil my head and body was being put through most of my days.
I sat up and threw the pillows that were on my bed across the room as hard as I could. I huffed in frustration as it hadn't helped.
I hate this. I hate this. I HATE THIS.
I hated who I was now. I hated that I was a product of the shitty things that happened in my life. I hated that I was a liar and ruined one of the best things I'd ever had. I hated that it was my fault that things were this way.
Getting up from the bed, I couldn't stop myself from tearing up the room; throwing my books off the bookshelf and clothes off of hangers onto the floor, tearing everything off my desk and ripping up papers. When the room was destroyed and it hadn't helped at all, I sat down in the far corner of my closet and started hitting my head against the wall.
I wanted it all to stop. I couldn't take it anymore. The constant memories flashing through my head, the torture my thoughts put me through; it was too much. I was going insane.
"Wren?" I heard Max call for me. His voice sounded muffled so he must not have come inside my room yet. I didn't answer him though. I could only concentrate on one thought...
Maybe if I hit my head hard enough on the wall, I will pass out and never wake up.
"Wren!" His voice sounded clearer and a little shocked. He must have been taking in the state of my room. I ignored him again, continuing what I had been doing. The next time I heard his voice, he was sitting right next to me. "Wren, talk to me. What is going on?"
Once again, I didn't respond. Only repeatedly hit my head on the wall. Except now something was different about it. I finally looked up to see Max's hand on the wall where I had been hitting my head. I couldn't bring myself to look at him as I spoke, "stop it, Max. Move your hand."
"Not until you tell me what is going on."
"I already did."
"No Wren, that's enough. You're going to hurt yourself. Stop trying to push me away and start talking to me."
Tears were still rolling down my face as I looked at him, "what do you want from me, Max? I've already told you I can't do this shit anymore. I'm not strong enough, no matter what you may think. I don't want to, and I can't. The thoughts and memories, and I'm so exhausted but I can't fucking sleep. I'm losing my mind. Everything is becoming too much and I have no one to blame but myself."
"Blame yourself for what? What happened with Eli? That's not your fault, Wren. That's—"
"No. I mean this damn situation I'm in. I can't do it. This is too much."
"What are you talking about?"
I sighed, knowing he would never understand, "nothing."
"Stop that. Don't shut me out. Tell me what's going on." He paused for a moment, taking the chance to really look at me, "I need you to tell me. I can't try to help if I don't know what's happened..."
It was then that I started to once again feel like I was the worst person on the entire planet; taking in how Max looked. He looked so lost and hurt by the fact that I was torturing myself, like he didn't know what to do with himself.
He looked like he felt helpless.
I took a moment to attempt to gather myself. It didn't work though; the tears increased and I didn't know how to do this. "I don't know where or how to start."
"Why don't you start with explaining what brought this on?" Max suggested.
"Today?" I asked him for clarification. He only nodded, "I saw Xavier."
Max thought for a moment, "has he been messing with you again?!"
I hesitated before answering, "yes and no."
"What does that mean?"
"He was... bothering me, but he stopped, then today he bumped into me on purpose as I was walking out of the restaurant."
"Why didn't you tell me he was bothering you? I would've handled it!"
"It wasn't like continuous that I really noticed, it was more of a one-time thing and then he stopped until today, at least I think."
"You aren't making any sense, Wren." I groaned in frustration and hit my head against the wall once more. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. "That you noticed? One time thing? You think? I'm not a psychic. As much as I wish I was right now, I'm not. Please, elaborate."
"I don't know if I can..." I was starting to get emotional again.
"Why are you so hesitant? You know you can trust me, right?"
I looked back at him and sighed, tears falling once again. "Of course I do, Maxie. I just... I don't think you would—and I can't, not after..."
You wouldn't believe me. I can't tell you, not after "this is our little secret."
"Not after what?"
"You would think I'm lying."
"What makes you think that?!"
"He said you would."
"Who? Who said that to you? And what did they do?"
There was no stopping the waterfall of tears down my face, I couldn't bring myself to look at Max as I stuttered over my next statement. "Xavier. H-h-he... raped me."
It took a minute but arms wrapped themselves around me and pulled me closer to the only person I could trust in this world. "Oh, Wren. I'm so sorry." My tears drenched his shirt as he tried to soothe me, "You don't have to go through this alone anymore. I mean it when I say that I'm here for you. You shouldn't be afraid to let me in. There's no way I'd ever break your trust. I promise."
I couldn't help but to just cry and cry. There was no stopping it. It felt as though a weight was lifted off my shoulders, but so many other factors kept me down.
I didn't know how long we were sat there, Max holding me in his arms, running his hand up and down my back. The tears had been stopped for a while now and I had been dozing off, but waking myself up every time I did. "You need to get some rest, Wren."
"I can't sleep. I'm terrified." I spoke, drowsily.
"I know, but this isn't healthy for you or the baby."
I thought for a moment, my hand instantly caressing my stomach, "you're right and I'm exhausted, but every time I close my eyes..."
"I'll be here when you wake up. I promise. Please, you need to sleep."
"Okay Maxie, okay."
We were sat there for a while longer, Max continuing his calming motions. I'm not sure when it was that I fell asleep, but I'm grateful that it was peaceful for once.
~~~
A couple weeks later Max and I were once again sitting in the waiting room at the doctors. I was excited because the last time I was there I was told the next time I came, I would be able to find out the gender of my baby. So my leg anxiously bounced up and down as I waited to be called back.
When I was, I jumped up quickly and followed the nurse to the room they wanted me in. Max slowly made his way behind me and sat in a chair that was close to where I was making myself comfortable. We did the routine exams that were done the other times I'd been there, then waited for my doctor, Dr. Clarey, to come see me.
As she came in, she asked me how I was feeling and if there were any concerns I had before getting started. She informed me of the symptoms I might have within the next four to six weeks before I would come in again: mild hip and abdominal pain, lightheadedness, swelling, shortness of breath, heartburn, stretch marks, and trouble sleeping... only to name a few. She also said that because the baby was now big enough, she was able to do the ultrasound on my abdomen instead of the other way. I let out a little sigh of relief, the other way wasn't exactly my favorite thing in the whole world. She then asked me to lift my shirt up to my chest and push my pants down a bit so we could begin. As she squirt the gel onto my belly she continued to explain that she would be looking at the development of the baby's growth and that she could tell me the gender if I wanted to know. Which I quickly agreed to.
Dr. Clarey began to use the scope thing to do her work. As she did, my sole focus was on the screen of the machine. I couldn't take my eyes off the tiny form of a baby up there. For several minutes it was as if nothing else in the world even mattered; how could it, when there was a human being growing inside of me?
I didn't know how much time passed before Dr. Clarey spoke up again, "the baby's growth is on the right track. You ready to find out the sex?" I couldn't get the words to form, so I just nodded my head excessively. "Looks like they're very comfortable in there, look at all that movement." She said as she pointed to the screen.
"That's a good thing, right?"
"Of course! You should be able to feel it a little bit, as the baby grows more it'll become more noticeable." Once again, I nodded in response, trying to see if I could feel any of the movements we could see on the screen. I did a bit, as she had said, but I couldn't wait to feel it more. "Let's see here..." she muttered to herself.
I could feel my heart practically beating out of my chest as I waited in anticipation for her to tell me. It was a minute or so later before Dr. Clarey said, "congratulations, Wren! You're having a girl!"
Tears formed from excitement, "a girl?" The doctor only nodded with a smile. I looked over to Max as I spoke to him, "Maxie, did you hear that? I'm having a girl!"
He gave me a small smile, and Dr. Clarey handed me a paper towel to wipe off my belly with.
My baby girl, I couldn't wait.
"Here," the doctor handed me a picture of the sonogram, "and remember, don't hesitate to call if you have any questions or concerns. We'll see you in another month."
I thanked her a million times over as I hopped down, and readied myself to leave.
Dr. Clarey walked out of the room and closed the door. Before I could make my way out to schedule the next appointment, Max grabbed my wrist and pulled me back. When I looked up at him, his face was all scrunched together. Something was bothering him, "what's wrong Max?"
"I gotta ask you a question. That I've been meaning to ask since you told me. But it's probably going to ruin your mood." He warned me.
"...Okay..."
Even though he said that he had to ask me something, he was hesitant to do so. It was another minute or so before he spoke up, "is she Xavier's?"
My whole body went rigid, simply nodding my head as an answer. That was not a question I was expecting, I guess it made sense though since I told him what happened but nothing else. He must have thought the baby was Eli's the whole time. And a small part of me wished that it was.
My heart clenched in pain at the thought. It brought up a whole bunch of memories that I still wasn't ready to deal with. There were only a few times where I had let myself wonder about a future with Eli. I had fallen in love with him and it was difficult to force those thoughts out as that happened. I thought about kids and marriage. Now those thoughts left a sour taste in my mouth and a deep ache in my chest.
I turned around and walked towards the front desk to make my next appointment, then made my way to the car.
The ride home was completely silent. Max's question got me thinking.
Xavier might have been the reason she existed, but she wasn't his. He, hopefully, didn't even know about her. And I wasn't going to let him step a foot near her, or me for that matter, again.
But what if he does know about her?
The second we arrived at home, I rushed upstairs and assessed my entire living space. I began looking between crevices and corners, under pillows and cushions, between sheets, even inside the fridge and cabinets in the kitchen. I searched everywhere.
Before I could get too far or make too much of a mess, Max pulled me to a stop, "what are you doing?"
"Searching," I replied as I began going through my belongings again.
"Why? For what?" He asked.
I paused on my own accord this time and looked at him. The confusion could be clearly seen on his face, I grabbed his arm and dragged him through my room and into the closet. Before I spoke though, I searched between every article of clothing, every box, nook and cranny in the closet just to make sure. Only when I was absolutely positive no one besides Max and I were listening did I speak, "I think he's been spying on me."
"Spying on you? Who?"
"Xavier."
"What makes you think that??" He asked, incredulously.
I fidgeted with my hands as I hesitated to answer. Talking about this was still extremely difficult, nearly impossible, for me. "Because... when he was here, that night... h-he mentioned something that only I knew about. He mocked me about a private moment I thought that Eli and I shared, then shoved it in my face and used it against me."
"What are you talking about? Were you here with Eli when that happened?"
"No, but there was no way he could have known that information though, so he had to have been watching or following me."
"So you're searching through the house for what? Cameras? Listening devices?" He asked, even though I was sure he already knew the answer.
I simply nodded at him, then continued explaining, "I don't want him to know anything more than he already does. If he has been watching me, he knows too much and I hate that."
Why didn't I think of this sooner??
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!
Max had a grave look on his face, he seemed like he wanted to say something, but he held back, and just nodded.
"Will you help me?" I asked him.
"Of course," he replied. He didn't look happy at all.
The rest of the afternoon was spent searching through my house, I didn't find anything but Max seemed to search over everything after I did anyway. If he found anything he didn't tell me and he hid it very well. When we were through, we sat down on the couch, both of us seemingly lost in our thoughts.
One thing was for sure, whether there were devices lying around my house or not: I didn't feel safe there anymore. It would be too much to do right then, but the second things settled down, I needed to move out of that house.
Eventually Max spoke up, shaking me from my thoughts. "I know this is hard for you, Wren. But I'm so lost and confused in all of this. Can you please explain everything to me? The right way?"
It took me a few minutes to think it over, and the decision I made I felt was the right one. So, for the first time in an extremely long time, I told someone the full truth.
💜❤️
Hiiii!
This chapter is 3,356 words!
I have decided to just upload the rest of the chapters and then worry about the sequel. So here you go 😁
TM