Many girls would probably be angry, fumed, screamed and any verbs that could ever describe the feeling of anger pagnakita nila yung taong bigla na lang nang iwan sa kanila without any explanation after ilang years or kaya buwan.
But for me, ni isang katiting na dapat din magalit ako sa kanya ay wala akong naramdaman towards him. I didn't felt any hatred like I've said. Wala talaga. Except for hurt. A little hurt. Naalala ko lang kasi yung pagwala niya na parang bula and how I seek for explanations but got none.
"Bro, mauna na kayo, susunod lang ako sa inyo." Joshua told his friends while his eyes remained at me. Surprisingly, nauna na nga ang mga kaibigan niya and they even teased him.
Nanatiling pa ring nakatitig si Joshua sa'kin so I broke the ice.
"Kamusta?" I asked giving him casual smile.
His body stiffened and his face was priceless like he didn't see it coming na I would just casually ask him as if nothing happened between us. Akala niya siguro mags-skandalo ako.
"O-okay... okay naman.." he stuttered while answering my question. Halatang gulat na gulat talaga siya..
"Ah, good to hear."
"Ikaw... kamusta?" he asked back at eto na naman yung mukha niya na para atang nagsisisi siya kagad after asking back.
"Okay din naman. Sobrang okay.." I smiled genuinely at him kasi totoo namang sobrang okay nafefeel ko. I'm happy of what's going on around. Happy of everything I have right now.
"Can we talk?" tanong niya and my heart skips a beat. Wait, don't tell me...eto na ba yung hinihintay at hinahanap kong explanation sa kanya?
"Are you going to explain ba?" Deretso kong tanong kagad sa kanya. And it took him a couple of seconds before slowly nodding his head. "Yes."
For some reason, napatawa ako sa isip ko because ang funny lang na parang yung explanation or kaya him, in general ay parang bagay lang nawawala like if you're looking for something, hindi mo makikita and paghindi mo na hinahanap, saka naman magpapakita. You know?
I guess if I'm looking for something, that means I should stop looking for it and let them come to me by themselves. All things come naturally and you just really need to have patience.
"Alam mo Joshua... I'll be honest with you ah.. You see, you hurt me. And hindi ko alam kung ano man yung reason mo why you left me so suddenly without dropping anything. Pero you see, I've moved on and I'm happy now. Kaya ka rin siguro nagtataka bakit hindi ako galit sa'yo kasi I am really really happy now. Matagal ko ng kinalimutan 'yon at kung hindi ka siguro umalis, I wouldn't be able to feel this feeling that I'm just so thankful and blessed na meron ako." Pagsasabi ko sa kanya and there's a sudden lift in me na parang finally, nagkita rin kami and nasabi ko rin sa kanya ano man yung sasabihin ko.
"I know. I always see it. And bakit ang bait mo pa rin after I've done something that is not forgivable?" he then asks at napangiti ako sabay tawa na rin.
"Everything is forgivable Josh. Si Lord nga tinatanggap lahat ng kasalanan even if the person committed a mortal sin yet, He still forgives that person...eto pa kaya."
Ngumiti nang mapait si Joshua. "But you don't know yet the reason why I left you Eva.." sabi niya dahilan sa pagkunot ng noo ko.
I saw him take breathes before speaking again. "Remember nung nag Happy T kami ng mga teammates ko and the next morning yung grabeng text at call me sakin at hindi kita nireplyan?"
Tumango naman ako telling him to continue cause I still remember it. I was really mad that time kasi he's not replying to my texts nor answering my calls. He got me so worried. Akala ko ano nang nangyari sa kanya e yun naman pala sobrang lasing.
Joshua sighs again. "I cheated Eva."
Upon hearing those from him, naramdaman kong bumagsak ang puso ko at paghina ng mga binti ko... He cheated?
"Paggising ko na lang, nasa isang hotel na'ko na may kasamang babae. But believe me Eva, wala ako sa wisyo nun! Sa sobrang lasing ko, hindi ko na alam kung anong ginaga—"
"Y-you...cheated?" I cut him off looking at him in disbelief. Tangina, halos dalawang taon na'kong nakamove on sa kanya pero nang umamin siya na he cheated, it felt new to me. Biglang pumatak ang hindi ko inaasahang luha sa pisngi ko which I wiped it after with the back of my hand.
Josh just slowly nodded his head staring at the ground habang hindi siya makatingin sa akin.
"Ba't ngayon mo lang sinabi?" I asked him so lowly because I still can't properly function after hearing him he cheated.
"Kasi natatakot ako na masaktan ka. Kaya, lumayo na lang ako nang walang sinabi kasi hindi ko kayang sabihin 'yon sa'yo. Ayoko namang lokohin ka.."
My heart continues to ache at sunod-sunod na luha ang lumabas sa mga mata ko. Oo, alam ko naman na walang kami noong mga panahon iyon pero ang sakit pa rin e. Kasi antagal kong hininanap and inantay 'to sa kanya.
"I'm sorry.." he says. "I'm really sorry for leaving you Eva and sa ginawa ko. Everyday and up 'till now, time to time, I keep thinking of you and conscience is really killing me for leaving you without any reason. Hindi mo deserve 'to when in fact, you deserve everything."
Oh yes. I really don't deserve this. Pero, I guess, may mga bad things lang talaga na darating sa buhay mo para i-test ka ni God kung gaano ka ka-tatag at para may matutunan ka rin.
So, I stopped crying and tried my best to smile. "You know what Josh? I can't be angry with you. Hindi ko alam pero gusto ko lang malaman mo na salamat... because you told me truth. You know naman how much I looked for this and finally, eto na. Just like I've said awhile ago, it doesn't matter to me anymore. Nakamove on na talaga ako. You are forgiven. And alam mo naman, I can't go on with my life if there's someone I'm not in good terms of. Gusto kong okay ang lahat."
"...and I also don't want you to think of me na rin para mawala na 'yong konsensya mo. Yes, when you admitted to me na you cheated, hindi ko mapigilang maluha, nasaktan ako pero I try to look at the bright side na atleast you were honest to me and nalaman ko rin... So thank you for being honest. It's never too late to be honest."
Tumaas naman ang dalawang kilay ni Joshua na parang hindi siya makapaniwala sa mga salitang binitawan ako.
"Talaga? pinapatawad mo 'ko?" he asks at tumango ako. "I will always forgive people Josh.."
Bigla na lang niya ako yinakap nang mahigpit and I can't help but hugged him too. Forgiving people is one of the best things in the world. It gives the both of you the peace of mind and peace in yourself.
"Thank you Eva. Thank you kahit alam kong hindi ko deserve 'to. Yet, you forgave me without having second thoughts. Sa lahat ng ginawa ko sa'yo noon, I'm sorry talaga Eva. I mean it." sabi niya at humiwalay na rin kami sa yakap.
"If only I could turn back time, itatama ko 'yong pagkakamali ko. At sana hindi ka nawala sa'kin..." he then trails off.
"You didn't loose me Josh. Hindi pa'ko nawala sa'yo noon. But dahil na rin napagod na'ko, I decided to let go. But then what's done is done, I hope you learned your lesson because I learned mine.."
I learned that instead of focusing on the people who left, you should focus on the people in your life who have chosen to be there. Focus on the ones who stayed, on the ones who match the love you give them, who empowers and grow you; who make your life beautiful. Kasi you will miss out on the beautiful things if you continue to stay rooted in the past.
Suddenly, an arm holded my back at pumunta iyon sa beywang ko making me snapped out of my thoughts and when I looked beside, it was Juan.
Uh-oh.
"Babe.." sabi niya as he glanced at me for a second before intensely looking at Joshua.
Oh shit. Naalala ko, alam pala ni Juan yung sa'min ni Josh kasi sinabi iyon sa kanya ni Dad. At kilala niya pa.
Hindi naman hamak na mas matangkad si Joshua kay Juan. Joshua stands at 6'5 habang si Juan naman ay nasa 6'2 or kaya 6'1. But then hindi rin hamak na mas malakas ang tindig ni Juan kaysa kay Joshua. I admit na these two are both good looking pero Juan's really more good-looking; scorching even.
Wait, why am I even comparing the both of them? I should speak now because I swear, if looks could only send you to hospital, nasa hospital na rin siguro si Joshua. Juan is seriously looking at him.
"Um- Juan, this is Joshua, my friend.." Pakilala ko kay Joshua sa kanya. "And Joshua, si Juan.."
I saw Joshua stick out his arm para makipagkamay and just like any other books and movies, na akala ko hindi makikipag-shake hands yung present kay past, Juan did the opposite at nakipag-shake hands ito. It was firm and quick.
"So, um, alis na kami Josh. I thanked the Lord for giving us the time to talk.." sabi ko sa kanya and I saw him smiled. "Ako rin Eva. Salamat."
Kinuha ko na ang braso ni Juan and dragged him with me out of the training gym kasi hindi ko na alam kung ano ang susunod na mangyari if we would stay longer pa.
"Are you and Joshua, okay now?" he asks calmly nang nasa tapat na kami ngayon ng kanyang sasakyan.
"Yea. We talked things over." I answered him at nakita kong tumango siya.
"Okay. C'mon let's get you home.." sabi niya at pinagbuksan niya ako ng pinto sa front seat as always. Wala ng tinanong si Juan na akala ko marami akong matatanggap mula sa kanya.
The passed 15 minutes, tahimik ang loob ng sasakyan at nanibago ako doon. E, lagi naman kasi kaming nag-uusap and we would just talk about anything pero this time, Juan and I are so quite that none of us really talked. Hindi ko rin alam ba't ako tahimik pero I feel so guilty for some reason.
"Ang tahimik mo.. Are you okay?" Juan speaks finally breaking the silence nang ma-stuck kami sa traffic.
Liningon ko naman siya. "Yup, I'm okay. Ikaw? Ikaw rin kaya ang tahimik mo." sabi ko sa kanya at sumimangot.
"Galit ka ba?" tanong ko sa kanya and his eyebrows then pulled together.
"What? Ba't naman ako magagalit?" he asks back at hindi pa rin kami umuunsad sa haba ng traffic dito.
I shrug. "Ewan ko, feeling ko kasi galit ka."
"I'm not mad." tugon niya. "I'm just..."
He mumbled the last words at nangulubot ang noo ko nang hindi ko narinig iyong huli niyang sinabi. "Ano? Your what?" I asked him na ulitin yung sinabi niya.
Umiling naman siya. "Wala. Basta, I'm not mad." said Juan at tumingin siya sa sarili niyang bintana, not looking at me.
"No! Ano 'yong sinabi mo?" Pagpipilit ko sa kanya kasi may sinabi talaga siya e. Yun nga lang pwet lang niya 'yong nakarinig.
"Nothing really..." sabi niya ulit but I didn't buy his answer. I swear talaga he said something.
"Juan, I'm sure may sinabi ka. Ano ba 'yon?" Pag-uulit ko naman sa kanya but got a shook from him na wala talaga raw.
"Mamatay man?" tanong ko sa kanya at pinanliitan siya ng mata.
"Yup.."
"Mawala man ako?"
Juan looked at me at kita ko ang pagdako ng kanyang mga mata when I asked him that.
"Seriously? You're asking me that?" tanong niya at tumango ako. "Of course. You won't tell it to me e."
"Come on Eva.." aniya at pinagtaasan ko siya ng kilay.
"Mawala man ako sa'yo?" I said again and I saw him sigh. "Of course not. Okay, fine.. I'm just jealous okay? That's why I'm quiet.."
My heart alarmed nang marinig ko 'yon sa kanya. Nagseselos si Juan? Omg. Kanino naman? Kay Joshua? Of course!
"You're jealous? Bakit naman?" tanong ko sa kanya and I can't help but grin at him. Ewan ko, kinikilig lang ako siguro because this is the first time na nagseselos si Juan.
"I don't know. When I saw you two together, I feel like you will get back to each other" Kibit-balikat niya at pansin kong hindi pa talaga kami gumagalaw because of this traffic.
"Really, Juan? Feeling mo sasama kaya ako ngayon sa'yo if magkakabalikan kami?" sabi ko sa kanya and he remained quiet again.
Hay nako. Ang mahal ko nagseselos so I shifted my body so I could face properly at him. Kinuha ko ang mukha niya forcing him to look at me at hinalikan ang magkabilang pisngi.
Kita ko naman ang pagkagulat ng kanyang mukha nang ginawa ko iyon.
"Wala ka namang ikakaselos. Josh and I only had our closure at yun lamang yun. You are my present Juan and maybe even if my future. Kaya, 'wag kang mag-alala dahil sa'yo lamang ako."