Homecoming is like not even forty-eight hours away and this is what you want me to think about? I look at Nolan with what I hope is an exasperated stare. It is six o'clock in the evening and he wants me to help him decorate for home coming since he is on the committee for it. That reminds me of an apparent point I could be making right now. I didn't sign up for this Nolan, you did.
He faces with me with an exasperated look of his own, and his is much more dramatic than mine. Look sweetheart, I am not going to have you moping around because you and Iyana got into a fight. I will not allow you to skip out on our final homecoming dance because you are afraid some guy, who frankly is not all that cute, may not dance with you. You are coming to help and you will feel better once you do. He says it and turns away with such finality.
Whatever. I have been in this library long enough so it will be nothing more than a quick study break. I say to him, trying to regain any dignity I can muster. Oh who am I kidding, he totally won this round. So what do I have to do? I don't usually do this sort of thing.
That is because you are too afraid of what bitches will say if you do show up. He puts his hands together between his knees and leans over to talk to me as if I am a small child who is being unbearable. You are not getting away with being afraid to put yourself out there.
I talked to Chaz. I say his name in a whisper. That is totally putting my-self out there. I retort.
No. He says it so calmly. It's like he feels sorry for me. Well that makes me feel more pathetic than usual. No honey. True, it was a good start, but you have to stop valuing yourself by people who don't truly value themselves. I know I am sounding like a parent right now, but sometimes they actually know what they are talking about. I will tell you what my mama told me when I was struggling with coming out. 'Until you can love yourself, see yourself through my eyes.' And honey you are the hottest thing around here.
Thanks Nolan. I hate to say it, but that does help a little. I wish I could have found words of wisdom like that when I was looking on the internet for help on this whole non-consensual sex issue. Ugh, I still hate thinking of the actual 'R' word. It's weird though. It's like I build myself up and I am just going to get let back down as soon as they even whisper.
Yeah, well we all deal with it. You just have to learn to keep on going. They are going to talk crap about you whether you are happy or sad. So, you minus well be happy while they are talking it, because it won't make a difference boo. Now let's stop talking so much about you and focus on these decorations. Here. He hands me table cloths and confetti. Spread these on all the tables and make it look dazzling.
I begin decorating the tables. Oddly enough I feel relaxed. There is a low buzz of murmurs and things being set up. There are not many people here to help, but I feel that it's better this way. It's nice to have moments like this despite all of the chaos. I can just let the words of Nolan and his mom ring through my head. I can forget about the insanity with My family and Iyana. For now there is no wondering what to do about having the number for M or the fact that Iyana talked to Maria. I can forget about the unfortunate thing that happened to me so recently. Well, I can't really forget, but at least in this moment it doesn't bother me. Sometimes it's nice to just zone out and stay inside your own head. I guess that's why I am so awkward around people and introverted. Thinking my random rambles is soothing to me, more than venting to others does.
Looking good there Miss Kayla. I hear a voice say from behind me. Why does someone need to interrupt a perfectly good moment of me feeling at peace?
Chaz? Oh Hey. Hey it's Chaz. Yep, I just announced who he was to him. I am mentally face palming myself so hard right now.
Hey. He says uncomfortably. It's Kayla.
Sorry. I was just in my own thoughts. And –
You don't have to apologize to me. You're. He hesitates for a word. Well. He says more relaxed. You're you. And I think that is awesome enough.
Oh God. He thinks I'm awesome. No. No. he said that is awesome enough. I am enough awesome for him, which is good. I don't want to overwhelm him with my awesomeness. Ah, Sweet. Just do that face palm a little harder and some sense might come spewing off sooner or later.
He grins. I didn't realize you were on the dance committee.
Well I'm not. I admit. My friend Nolan kind of dragged me here.
Well. I hope he doesn't have to drag you to the dance. Is this his way of saying he wants me there?
I'm not sure. I mean it's our senior year so I guess I'll go, but I don't know. I say lamely.
Well, it would be a shame if you didn't go. I would love to maybe hang out with you. I do owe you that dance remember.
I am feeling a little peeved for some reason. I guess I just feel like he's patronizing me. Since when has popular jock-boy Chaz wanted anything to do with me? Chaz, you don't have to do this okay. I worked up the courage to try and ask you to the dance and that was enough for me. I'm not this much of a loser. Play. I am feeling afraid to be bold and angry, but I am dealing with too much to stand for crap like this. It is getting way old. Play these games somewhere else. And you can go back to your groupie popular friends and laugh about this. I really don't care what you guys have to say about me anymore.
He takes a step back. I have not said anything negative to you. I don't know what your problem is, but I had to work up the courage to come over here and ask you to the dance. Maybe if you weren't so worried about my groupie friends or whatever you call them you could see that I was being genuine.
Chaz. I am such –
No. Save it for someone else Kayla. You are just as messed up as every other girl around here. He walks off after composing himself. Now I realize how loud that may have gotten just now. I feel horrible. What just happened?
Nolan walks over to me. Um, what the hell just happened? Eerie much?
I was being an idiot and thought that he was being a jerk and trying to play games, because it is so obvious that I like him. He may have actually liked me back, or maybe that was all one big game. I don't know Nolan. What do I do to fix this?
He looks at me with his mouth agape. Honey, I am still trying to figure at where I went wrong with you.
I roll my eyes and go back to fixing up the tables.
Alright. Just walk back over to him. He looks around. Well he is in the hallway somewhere now, so go find him and explain things. Girl this is the moment true memories are made of.
Oh gosh it is. I put my hand over my mouth as a sign of awe and shock at the humorous realization. This is like that moment in the movies where the guy runs to the airport to stop the girl from flying off somewhere far, so they can still be together.
He looks at me and smiles. I love having these moments with you.
Yeah me too.
Now go get your man. He says commandingly.
I don't run dramatically like in the movies, but I walk down the hallways that now resemble ghost towns. All I need is tumbleweed to come rolling through. I round a corner and I see that Chaz has just walked into the boy's restroom. Okay, he is cute and all, but I absolutely refuse to run into a guys restroom for anyone. I don't want to seem like a total creeper as I see a teacher walking down the hallway to head towards the exit doors. As I do a million times a day, I head towards my locker as if I forgot something. There is nothing wrong with loitering around in the hallways, but I would rather not get reprimanded from a tired teacher anyways. My locker is on the opposite side of where the boy's restrooms are, but hopefully I can time things right. I notice a piece of white paper sticking out. This is especially odd since I keep my locker so impeccably pristine. I even use those wipes to keep it sanitized. I open it to see it is not just a stray piece of paper, but a note for me. My first thought is that Iyana left this here, but one glance at the handwriting says otherwise.
I hope you enjoyed the other day as much as I did. Should I return for more? Oh and in case you are wondering if it's really me I will give you a hint. I was your first. I will be your last.
Ready or not here I come.
The note has no signature and it doesn't need one. This bastard is threatening me. He hurts me and then he threatens me. Who does he think he is? He is the monster in my nightmares. He is the face I don't know to fear. He is everything that makes me despise myself right now, but he is playing games now. I will find him and he will be caught for what he did.
For all I know he is this M guy who was possibly with Maria at the mall that day I thought I saw her. I don't have many leads but I will use what I do have. I can talk to M. If it is truly him who did this I will no doubt recognize his voice. Even if he isn't this mystery asshole, then hopefully he can help me find Maria. Since this guy was in my school the school cameras should have caught him. I don't want to say what happened without backup. I will have to go to the hospital to get check out. They can help me confidentially and maybe get the tape from the school.
Then again if it is him, what will I do?
It's not until I hear footsteps come to a stop near me that I realize how hard I have been huffing and pacing. It's Chaz again. I don't care about him. I am too angry to give a damn right now.
Are you this mad at me? He ask. He is calmer now.
I look at him. He looks confused and I am sure it is because the range of emotions surging through me right now. Hundreds of thoughts are pouring through my head right now. Finally I decide what to do.
I am sorry about before Chaz. Will you go to the homecoming dance with me or at least do me the honor of saving me that dance? I try to come off as taking this lightly. I have had a crush on you for quite some time and I am no longer afraid to admit that. If you decline that is fine as well. No hard feelings. If you decline? Who talks like that? I am sinking fast here.
I would love to Miss Kayla. He says in that southern gentleman way of his, also returning my horribly played non chalance.
I am instantly calmer, but still just as brazen from all of the anger. Well, this is all very unexpected.
Yeah. You are an interesting one. We both chuckle at that.
Look, I am so sorry about before. I just totally –
Hey, I'm already over it. I will see you later though. I have got to be heading home. He turns to walk off as he nods goodbye and then abruptly stops. Can I get your number? Since you are going to be my date and all I figure it only makes sense right?
Right. We exchange numbers and then he heads off and I get back to the gym. Getting my head back to where it should be focused at I stuff the note deep within my jeans pocket and pull my phone back out.
To M:
Hey. I met you recently. Can we meet up? I need to speak with you about a girl. She may be a customer.
From M:
We will speak about your sister when the time is right Kayla.
I thought I didn't have any leads before, but apparently I just stumbled across the most frightening one of all. It would have been to easy for me to just leave this to the police or anything sane like that.
Show don't tell. No boy says this but theyd act like it.