GULITY.
Such a simple word that now dictated my life. I've made peace with that. I am guilty. I ruined their lives, but I deserved them more. I always have. I was the person Liam was with in the media. I'm the one they hand picked for to be with Liam. I'm the one that was supposed to parent Kairi. But, as much as I know I deserve them, I know I have to let them ago.
I know I have to let them get on with their life. I have to pay for what I did to them. I just want one hug from the both. To say goodbye. But right now at this point I don't get to hug them to love them on more time. But I can say that I'm sorry.
"Ms. Smith do you have anything you would like to say to the family that you put through so much pain." The judge looked down on me. I looked to Liam and Kairi. Then to Zayn. There was so much I wanted to say, and not enough time.
I nod and clear my throat. I took a deep breath, ringing my fingers. "Um, Liam, I'm sorry for what I put you and your family through. I am sorry you got hurt in this situation. I never meant to. I just wanted to be with you. I wanted to mother your children." Liam looked at me with disgust, my heart broke. He hates me. "I know now that I am not suppose to be in your life or your family's. I know that what I did was wrong and the I shouldn't have done any of what I did. But, I love you and Kairi so much that it makes me do things I shouldn't and I know that. I am so very, very, sorry for what I have done."
I nodded my head one time before looking at them, one last time before turning back to the judge. With a bang of her gavel she spoke loud and confident, "Bailiff take the defendant." The bailiff walked over to me put the cuff back on my wrists and led me out of the court room. I kept my head down, defeated. Zayn got what he wanted; me out of their lives. I love them, but I got to let them go so they can be happy. Kairi with his dads and his sisters.
Kairi doesn't need me.
Liam doesn't need me.
Kairi doesn't want me.
Liam doesn't want me.
No one wants me.
I guess that's something I need to get used to. I need help.
I get placed in holding. They tell me I have to wait for a bus to take me to the jail, then I'll had to wait in intake, after that I don't know. I have to come to realize that I need a professional's help, because this wouldn't have happened, I don't think, if I had help and medication.
They'd be happier if I wasn't here.
XxX
On the bus there were other women, they all looked mean. Now I can tell you how their hair looked and if they had tattoos or if they had a whole where their piercing used to be but that doesn't tell you any thing. It's all in their eyes. They could be completely covered in tattoos and have their head shaved but their eyes tell you the story.
Example, the girl next to me long hair fading red, eyebrow piercing, moon tattoo on her left hand right between her thumb and pointer. It wasn't shaded in. Her demeaner speaks oldest kid, couldn't be more than nineteen, never had enough attention, but as she turns to me tells me to stop staring, her eyes linger. They tell me that she's scared.
Scared of what though? The pending strip search that waits for us once we stop? The bunking with other girls who probably don't care about privacy? Or is she scared because she has a family and isn't sure when she was going to see them again?
Wouldn't know that fear, I have no one. Liam was my family and he doesn't want me. I turn my head and look at the girl diagonal from me.
This lady has short hair, a cute pixie cut, and ends a bubble gum pink. Looks to be in her late twenties, turned her head toward me and her eyes had a sense of pride in them. She was proud of whatever got her here. She told me to mind my own and turned around.
The guard by the door was staring at his phone which I'm sure wasn't allowed. Maybe if I could get my hands in the front of me I could, no, no, I did this to myself I got to go see it through. I can't escape, I've caused them enough pain. I can't escaped and cause them more pain, no they had enough of this.
We were stopping, I looked out the window and saw the jail. Big and grey. I take a deep breathe, I'm going to be fine. I deserve this. This is were I belong.
XxX
Intake was difficult, uncomfortable and slightly embarrassing. I got through it got my tag and a bag of stuff, which I am assuming is just extra clothes and blankets. A guard is escorting me and three others to our 'rooms'.
When I get to mine it takes everything in not to scream and cry into my 'bed'. It was tiny and my bunk mate was a white heavy-ish woman. She had the same navy blue outfit on that I did, except I had on a white long sleeve underneath my navy top. Her tag read Maxwell, R. She eyed the guard before looking at me.
She stood and went into a rant about how to make the beds, not to make a mess. I just nodded along, I wanted to do what was right. If that meant listening to a middle-aged woman tell me how to make a bed, when I've already had one stay at this same damn jail, so be it.
"You understand me? No mess. Not your maid, I didn't even clean up after my own kids definitely not cleaning up after you." She was loud and spoke clear she made sure to enunciate each word. Pretty sure she just spit in my face. I nodded.
I turned around and made my bed the way she said too, the way I was show by the first lady I was paired with then climbed up and rolled over and faced the wall.
Do my time not make a fuss.
XxX
I laid there for maybe three hours, when the alarm went off. I automatically sat up, put my shoes on and stood by the door. Maxwell gave me a funny look. I haven't said a word to her at all.
The guard came around, counted and continued. We stayed until the alarm went off and after, I went to go back to bed. "You done this before?" Maxwell asked, still loud as ever.
"Four years. So I know how to make a bed." I climbed back up, facing the wall again.
"What were you in for then?" She asked again, still loud and annoying.
"What are you in for?" I shot back. I just want to sleep.
"I used to rob banks. I was pretty good at it too. Now you?"
"Stalking, kidnapping, attempt. Please leave me alone." I put my head down and pull my legs to my chest. I just want to sleep.
XxX
I woke up the next morning, having missed dinner and breakfast. I was okay with that. As long as I got to sleep.
XxX
When I could eventually bring myself to get of bed and go outside with everyone else, I stood there. I just looked at the sky. I pulled my sleeves down and crossed my arms. The sun felt good against my face. It was the only warm thing on this chilly morning, so I decided to stay for a little bit and enjoy it.
The other ladies were off in there own groups, some just standing talking, other actually playing some kind of outdoor activity. It was loud, but the sun was warm so it was okay.
XxX
I still think about Liam.
And Kairi.
And Zayn.
I want to see them. I want to know they're okay. That's never going to happen though, court order that I leave them be and not mess with them. I wouldn't be able to get them added to me call list let alone my visitation list.
I wonder if Kairi still has the issue with his r's and t's. Its been a while, he probably got them down. Did Zayn's belly get any bigger? How are the girls growing?
My girls... No stop El, you gotta stop. Do your time and get out, leave them alone. "I have to." I spoke to myself quietly.
At this point I have to try my hardest to just keep my head above water.
XxX
So happy new year!! I knownits been a hot minute....buuut I'm back!! Im going to be trying my hardest to get back into writing! Bc I miss this.
So i know this is short but i wanted to get something up and I have been promising a chapter in Ellie's pov so here it is. At this point in her life you can see her struggling to feel something or engage with others. She's going through something and I'm trying to make it subtle..
Anyway,
Kisses,
T.c.