Tamara didn't talk to me in class. In fact, she pretended like I wasn't there the entire time—which left me puzzled because if anything, I should be the one ignoring her. I have never told anyone about my crush on Fergie. She just assumes I have one—which I do—because she finds him insanely attractive and irresistible. She thinks that every girl has a thing for Fergie because of his looks. Tamara acts reckless when liquor is involved and I hate how she cannot control her liquor. Why is she so worried about me confessing my feelings to him? If anyone were to know about my crush, I definitely think it would be my decision to tell Fergie I like him.
She ruined that for me. I'm mad at her, but then again I can't be angry for her speaking her mind. If she has a notion, she's going to go with it. I'm just upset because it feels like she's forcing me to tell Fergie that I'm into him. I'm not ready to tell Fergie about my feelings. I simply think that I don't have a shot with him. He's older than I am, I'm sure there are plenty of girls he has his eyes on. Ones that are more experienced, can relate to him more, and ones that aren't his best friend's little sister.
I don't even bother going to the cafeteria for lunch; I go to the library, instead. The library is the only place I can escape from my friends—this morning was an exception. My stomach will probably be growling until I get out of school, but I'd rather be hungry than confront Tamara and Ethan right now. My used-to-be boring life is now similar to something in the movies. My best friend likes me and I like my brother's best friend. How ironic is this all?
I thought I was going to be in the clear, and free to enjoy my lunch period without any distractions. I guess I was wrong. Fergie is also in the library. What are the odds? I almost never see Fergie at school, yet here I am, looking at him from across the room. We have a dedicated time of reading at our school, and we have to choose books to read. He's in the library with his English class looking for a book to read. I know he sees me, although I try to pry my eyes away from him. I nearly start hyperventilating when he walks over to me.
"Hey." He says, waving his book at me.
"Hey, Fergie."
"What are you doing in here during your lunch hour? Don't feel like being with your friends today?" He chuckles.
"Nah, not today." I shake my head. "I just feel like being alone."
I thought he'd take the hint to walk away, but he sits down on the couch and props his legs upon the table. The librarians despises when students do things like that; they still do it anyway. I look at him with an annoyed look. When I said I didn't want to be bothered, I meant that. My misery doesn't love company.
"Feel like talking about it?" He asks. "It's just that you always talk to me, if you need to."
"No, I don't feel like talking." I say with pursed lips.
"Tatianna." He sighs, eyeing me.
"Fergie." I mock him, cocking my head to the side.
"Mr. Seltzman's class, we're going back up to the room." Fergie's English teacher announces to his students in the library.
"Guess I'd better get going." He says, standing up and walking away.
He doesn't bid goodbye, which kind of hurts. He always says something to me before he ends the conversation. His words were very blunt and unwelcoming. Maybe it won't be a bad idea getting over him. Clearly, I'm not going to get anywhere with the way we are communicating. Maybe I should give Ethan a chance. I mean, the chemistry has always been there. I've always ignored it for the simple fact that he is one of my best friends and I don't want to change anything.
I think the main aspect of the whole situation that pisses me off is myself and my indecisive thoughts. I don't know what I want to do or how I want to go about the situation. Do I pretend like Tamara never said anything? Do I dismiss the fact that Ethan and I kissed, and there was definitely something there? Am I being a bit overdramatic and replaying unnecessary drama in my head?
I just wish I could talk to someone.
My mother would be the perfect candidate, but I don't talk to her when it comes to situations with boys. I wish I had a close relationship with my mother, like other girls do. However, I'm not that close to mine and I've accepted that. We speak about things, but we don't go into depth about them and I definitely don't ask her for advice.
My father is completely out of the question. He knows I'm old enough to be in a relationship and to talk to guys. He can't accept the fact that his little girl is becoming a woman. He will never give me proper advice about a guy. If it was up to him, I wouldn't have a man until I'm thirty with a career to fall behind on.
Devin is Fergie's best friend, so I would be out of my mind to ask him for advice. He is also an over-protective older brother. He doesn't trust any guy with his sister, no matter how good a guy's reputation is. I'm in a rather strange predicament and I have no one to talk to.
Maybe I'll have to swallow my pride and ask Tamara for advice. She is the reason I'm in this mess in the first place. The least she can do is help me figure out what I'm going to do. Although, I already know who she is going to tell me to choose. She's going to advise that I tell Fergie how I feel about him and hope for the best. She swears up and down that we'd make a great couple. I'm having a hard time seeing that for myself.
There is a huge part of me that doesn't want to upset Ethan. He has been through so much and I would hate for him to have another let down in his life. Then, I'd be choosing him for pity and that is worse than breaking his heart. I'll figure something out. I always do.
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