When she awoke on Christmas morning she was relieved to find the note from Uncle Tom in the kitchen, excusing himself for work. Though she did not entirely love being alone, she disliked the idea of being surrounded by people even more. She probably would have even forgone Lily and James' Christmas dinner had it not been for Emmeline's arrival mid-afternoon.
"I knocked on the door numerous times," her voice broke whatever stupor Marlene had been immersed in. She was curled up in an armchair in the living room, staring lifelessly into the barren fireplace and only pulled her gaze at the unexpected interruption. "You really should lock your doors, you know."
Marlene merely shrugged and then moved her eyes back to the fireplace. "What does it matter anymore?"
"What's gotten into you?" Emmeline's amusement had left her voice and was replaced by a seriousness that Marlene hadn't heard often from her friend. "You worried me sick when you disappeared for the last couple of days without leaving so much as a note. Did something happen?"
Did something happen. The words danced around in Marlene's head, sidestepping and swaying like a perfectly choreographed routine that didn't seem to have an ending. She struggled to find the right words as she constructed an appropriate response; what she could possibly say to give Emmeline a worthy explanation? She could sense Emmeline cross the room from her peripheral and plop into the empty seat across from her.
"You know I'm not a naturally prying person," Emmeline started to say before offering a hesitant laugh. "Well, no. That's a bit inaccurate. I'm dying with curiosity about all the secrets you've been obviously hiding from me all these months. But I think I've been pretty respectful of your privacy this far. At least tell me that you're okay so I can stop worrying sick about you."
The hearth wasn't particularly captivating. There was a large crack in the masonry that traveled up the length of it, widening slightly before separating like a fork in the river. Her eyes had been tracing it over and over, examining all the imperfections. Marlene reluctantly removed her gaze to Emmeline. Her friend was staring at her with worried eyes and an ever increasing furrow in her brows. She leaned in and reached across the gap between them to grab hold of Marlene's limp hand that was resting in her lap. It was a thoughtful gesture but Emmeline's touch only felt cold and intrusive.
"Sirius is missing and I don't know where he is," her voice was cold and emotionless. She had no more tears to accompany the words. She had cried herself dry. "For all I know he's dead."
"Oh Marly," she said quietly before giving her hand a hard squeeze meant to comfort her. Marlene instinctively pulled her hand away. Emmeline wasn't the type to be rejected though, she stood from her chair and crossed the narrow gap between them. She threw herself into the already crammed chair that Marlene was occupying so that she could throw her arms around her. "Sirius isn't dead."
"How do you know?" Marlene stiffened only slightly but relaxed as Emmeline held her closely, refusing to let go.
"Well I don't," Emmeline said quickly. "But you'd know it if he was, I'm certain. Are you going to explain what in Merlin's name he's been up to in order to get himself into this sort of predicament?"
Marlene shook her head. As many times as she would have liked to share her secrets with Emmeline, she knew she wasn't able to reveal much more. "He was working," she said instead. "He has a very dangerous job."
"Have faith," she said with reassurance but Marlene couldn't bring herself to believe her. "I get it if you don't want me here," she continued after a few moments of silence. "I imagine you're not going over to Lily's anymore?"
For a moment Marlene felt confusion. She had been so preoccupied being lost inside her own mind that she hadn't the slightest inkling of time. Her mind had been completely wiped clear of anything that wasn't Sirius. She supposed that it must be Christmas. "No, stay," she said quietly. "Lily would probably hunt me down anyways if I didn't bother showing up."
But in truth, the thought of going filled her with an increasing sense of dread. She had been so engrossed in her own solitude that surrounding herself amongst a house full of people brought about feelings of repulsion.
For a fleeting moment a new thought had broken through and manifested itself into her mind at the mention of Lily's name. Perhaps there had been some new revelation since she had last been with the Potters. But a chiding voice within reminded her that she would have heard any relevant update immediately. The entire Order knew where she was hidden away and they could find her anytime they wanted. But it was all that Marlene could hold onto and she seized the purpose, an excuse to finally return to reality from the bitter confinement she had subjected herself to.
"We should probably head over," Marlene said quickly, shifting in her seat so that she could move out from Emmeline's crushing weight.
"Like this?" Emmeline's eyes were scanning over Marlene and she could sense the hesitant reservation in her friends tone.
"Lily doesn't care what I look like," Marlene grumbled with only minor irritation. She tilted her head down to observe the pajamas she was currently wearing. Dozens of tiny reindeer smiled up at her as though silently mocking her in agreement. "Oh fine, whatever," she scoffed out loud after feeling their non-existent judgement.
"For the record, I think the deer really bring out the sparkle in your eye," Emmeline called after her as she ascended the stairs towards the bathroom. Emmeline could have been much more critical. As Marlene grabbed the toothbrush from its holder her eye caught her reflection in the mirror and she jumped back slightly in disgust. Her hair was sticking up in about twenty different directions, held pointlessly together in a sorry excuse for a bun. Her eyes were rimmed with dark and sunken circles, a face so completely skeletal and lifeless that one might confuse her with a banshee. And her eyes were dark and void of anything that resembled life still existed within her.
She had been avoiding the shower for days but as she lathered the soap all over her body and felt the hot steam wash it away, she couldn't help but feel the slightest bit better. Even though the water could not wash away the pain or repair the apparent physical strain showing on her body, the shower was invigorating to say the least.
"Sirius isn't dead," she said while looking in the mirror with more confidence than she felt. "Let's go."
Marlene wasn't certain if Emmeline was respecting her privacy or wasn't quite sure how to break the silence, but the walk through the blizzarding streets towards the Potter's cottage was a silent one. Knowing her friend, Marlene was certain it wasn't the later and she was internally grateful not to engage in any further conversation that may or may not send her back into a spiral of unwanted emotions.
As they trudged through the ankle deep, unshoveled pathway into town she forced her mind to think of anything other than Sirius. She could smell the aroma of cooking ham waft from the tiny houses lining the street and instead allowed her mind to think blissfully of eating a proper meal. Her stomach growled in response to the visions filling her head almost as if angrily reminding her that she hadn't eaten in days.
"You know I haven't properly met your friends yet," Emmeline said suddenly as the Potter's cottage came into view. "Other than Lily of course, but it feels a bit surreal to be meeting these infamous friends you talk so much about."
Marlene didn't say anything at first. She wasn't entirely sure if Emmeline was trying to be humorous of if she was being genuinely serious. "I hope you don't feel too overwhelmed," she finally replied while forcing out a small smile. It was difficult to make light of the situation but as soon as the words had flown past her lips and Emmeline grinned in reply, Marlene felt a slight weight begin to lift from her shoulders.
"It feels good to smile doesn't it?" her friend asked knowingly. "There's a reason I finished top of my class in the Healer's program."
They had arrived outside of the cottage and Marlene reached up to knock firmly on the door. James opened it, his face looking tight and grim just like the last time she had seen him. She could feel the weight sink slowly back through her body, pulling her downwards once again into a new wave of grief as she realized he had no good news to share.
"Happy Christmas," he mumbled even though he didn't look very happy at all. Marlene gave him a courteous nod and then gestured her hand over to wave Emmeline over. Emmeline was quicker though and either she didn't understand the silent communication that was transpiring between Marlene and James, or she didn't care. She had pushed her way up the stone steps and thrust her arms around James to bring him into a rather large and unexpected hug.
"You must be Potter!" she exclaimed brightly. Marlene observed the surprise on his face as she clung to him tightly. His glasses had gone askew in the process but that didn't stop him from shooting a questioning gaze directly at Marlene. She only shrugged in response to him. When Emmeline had let go he quickly readjusted his spectacles before turning back to look at is assailant.
"Emmeline I presume?" there was slight humor in his tone and Marlene was certain she could see his lips twitch upright into an unknowing smile. "I've heard much about you."
"Good things I hope," she laughed before pushing her way inside the house. She let out a low whistle before exclaiming, "Nice place you've got here Potter."
"Sorry," Marlene mouthed quietly. "I think I forgot to mention that I invited her for dinner."
James only smiled, though the expression didn't quite reach his eyes. "You know we're all family and you don't have to be sorry for anything you say or do. Come inside, everybody's here already and Lily's been waiting for you."
Emmeline had already made her way into the kitchen by the time Marlene had gotten her shoes and coat off in the front room. Marlene wasn't certain she was ready to face the rest of her friends that she could hear conversing in the living room. She gave a polite nod to Gideon Prewitt and Mundungus Fletcher who were talking in hushed whisper on the stairwell before making her way into the kitchen. When Marlene had joined the two girls they were carrying a conversation about different cauldrons which bore little interest to her.
"Happy Christmas Marlene," Lily said warmly, she walked over to give Marlene a brief hug before pulling back to give a smile. She seemed to be in much brighter spirits than James had but Marlene was certain it was only an act.
"Is it?" she couldn't help that her tone was laced with bitterness. Emmeline nudged her hard in the ribs to keep her from derailing but Lily's expression didn't seem to waiver.
"We're going to make the best of it," she said with the same warmness as before busying herself with the large steaming pot atop the stove.
"There you are Marlene," Alice's voice floated over from the doorway. When Marlene turned to look at her friend she was instantly floored by Alice's appearance. Though she hadn't seen her friend in a few weeks it had felt like much longer and Alice was so pale it looked as if she hadn't ever seen the light of day. "I know, I know," she forced out a chuckle before Marlene could open her mouth to say anything. "I've been a bit unwell with the pregnancy, it surely isn't my best look now is it?"
"Congratulations!" Emmeline moved forward to give Alice an equally large hug to match the one she had given James. "I'm Emmeline, surely you've heard great things."
"Er – yes," Alice said after Emmeline had let her go. Her eyes darted around to meet both Lily's and Marlene's before she let out a small chuckle. "You sure are friendly aren't you?"
"What's the point in polite small talk? I already know we're all going to be amazing friends so I might as well treat you like my family now. Marlene can attest to the fact that I will just eventually grow on you," she shrugged before picking up a small tart that was sitting on a platter next to her and popping it into her mouth. Lily didn't seem to mind as she continue stirring whatever it was she was cooking inside the pot.
"How are you doing?" Alice finally turned her attention on Marlene. Unlike Lily, she didn't have the skill of hiding whatever emotions were brewing on the inside. Her eyes were already watering as she looked painfully to Marlene awaiting her answer.
Marlene had to look away in fear that she might burst back into tears. She could hear Lily's warning hiss to Alice to keep quiet but it had already done the damage. She wasn't in the mood to talk about it anymore especially not after unraveling to Emmeline only an hour prior.
"I'm fine," she gritted her teeth. "I'm going to go say hi to everyone else."
She was certain that she would face less persecution from the occupants in the living room than if she spent another five seconds in the presence of Alice Longbottom. She quickly darted past Alice and into the hallway, not even bothering to invite Emmeline – after all, Em could take care of herself and that was the only thing she was feeling certain of.
Remus was chatting with Peter near the fireplace when she first walked through the archway. Not very many people even acknowledged her addition to the room as they were too busy immersed in their own conversations but both boys looked up and smiled as she approached them.
"Hi," she said bleakly. "Peter I haven't seen you in ages it seems."
"I've been very busy," he said quietly before lifting his mug up to his mouth. "Working at the Ministry has kept me occupied these days."
"Oh I didn't know you had gotten a job there," Marlene exclaimed. Peter only nodded his head before taking another sip.
"How about you, have you been keeping busy?" Remus asked politely.
"Not overly," she sighed. "You know me."
"I hope at least that you've been taking care of yourself."
Marlene tried to ignore the judgemental onceover that Remus was giving her. She knew that she looked a mess even after Emmeline had forced her to freshen up. The reflection she had last glanced at revealed the little sleep and food she had been getting and her untamed mess of hair was thrown together into an unkempt knot on the top of her head. It was evident that she hadn't been taking care of herself and she glared at Remus for reminding her of it.
"Yes, can't you tell?" she said sarcastically. Remus returned her hard gaze without wavering.
"I'm going to see if Lily needs any help," she said quickly without waiting for his reply. She had little intention of going back towards the kitchen, what with Lily's odd behavior and Alice's far too overly emotional one. She spotted Emmeline in what appeared to be a lively conversation with Mad Eye Moody in one corner and decided to make her way over.
As she moved around the furniture and through the room she took notice to how many people were there. It appeared to be nearly the entire Order crew plus a few new faces that Marlene had never seen before. Despite the Order's reservation to include new members it appeared that they had recently done just that.
"I mean, it's not real is it? Like, can you actually use that thing to see with?" Emmeline's voice floated through the air. Marlene inwardly groaned; she was talking about Alastor's fake eye. A quick observation of his facial expression indicated that he was amused by Emmeline's question and Marlene let out a sigh of relief.
"Of course I can," he barked loudly. "I'm a bloody wizard after all."
"Marlene," she exclaimed when her friend caught sight of her addition to their corner. "What delightful friends you have. Since it's taken so long for me to meet all of them I have to wonder whether or not you've been embarrassed by me."
She gave a cheeky wink and Alastor laughed. Marlene smiled bleakly, not wanting to admit out loud that it had been a thought that had crossed her mind once or twice.
"Vance you say?" Moody cut back in. "You're not related to Darwin by chance?"
Marlene lost focus on their conversation and allowed her eyes to drift around the room. The only members missing appeared to be McGonagall, Dumbledore and Sirius.
Sirius.
Her eyebrows knitted together in frustration. As she watched everyone around her laughing and talking as if nothing were wrong she couldn't help but feel annoyance surge through her body. She had to enclose her hands into fists to stop from shaking as she envied those around her enjoying themselves.
The only ones that seemed less than joyous were the two boys she had just departed from. She observed them carefully; Peter was still slowly sipping away at his drink while Remus talked under his breath about something. His eyes were shifting around as though making sure nobody were able to overhear their conversation. He stopped abruptly to nod his head at someone and Marlene watched as James approached to join the conversation. She had to stop watching after James' back blocked her view and instead she attempted to refocus on the conversation in front of her.
"You don't say," Emmeline seemed intrigued. "I always wondered what it would be like to step foot in Azkaban and see one of them up close."
"Dementors," Moody said gruffly to Marlene. She only nodded her head as a sign of her understanding. Maybe it had been her lack of expression that had clued him in that she wasn't paying attention, but he was watching her carefully as though trying to read her mind with his fake eye.
She felt uncomfortable and shifted her feet, dropping her gaze to the ground. She had been so sure that the kitchen was the worst place to be but now she was exposed to a living room full of people who knew exactly what had transpired a few evenings prior. Marlene wasn't sure what she had been thinking when she agreed to come over with Emmeline. The smarter thing surely would have been to stay at home in her reindeer pajamas and sleep. At least that way nobody would be able to see directly through her failed rendition of a façade.
"Dinner's ready!" Alice's voice yelled over the chatter and there were a few hoots from a few boys in the room before the thunderous sound of footsteps from all directions of the house rang through the air. Marlene hung back with Moody and Emmeline until they were the last in the room.
"You go ahead," he indicated to Emmeline. She seemed momentarily surprised but didn't protest as she headed for the archway and out of view. Marlene felt the nerves dance around in the pit of her stomach. There was something about Alastor Moody that made Marlene exceptionally nervous and he had never bothered to single her out before like this.
"What have you told her about the Order?" he asked so quietly that Marlene had to lean in to hear him. "She's a nosey one and I don't want to risk her overhearing anything until we've had a proper conversation."
"Umm nothing," Marlene said earnestly. "I swear. I haven't said anything to anyone."
"I'm not accusing," he laughed. "Stop being so nervous girl, I'm not going to bite you."
Marlene made a sad attempt at a laugh but it came out strangled and perverse. She brushed a strand of hair out of her face and tried again. "I haven't said anything about the Order to her. It's not her business to know it from me."
"That's where I think you're wrong," he continued. Both eyes were focused on her. "I bet Dumbledore would agree strongly with me that that girl was born to be a part of the Order. Do you trust her?"
"With my life," Marlene said without hesitation.
"Good."
He moved past Marlene without allowing her to say another word. After all these months of lying and covering up to Emmeline she was minutely frustrated to learn that it had been for nothing. On the other hand, it was nice to hear that Moody considered Emmeline to be a good asset to the team but she wondered whether or not her friend might be cross to hear what secrets she had been hiding all of this time. Moody didn't outright say he was going to extend an invitation either so she was left pondering a bunch of questions as she silently followed after him towards the dining room.
Almost everyone was seated by the time she arrived. They had magically extended the small room and table so that the twenty some individuals could sit comfortably around it. Lily had left an empty seat beside her and Emmeline near the head of the table and she patted it, indicating for Marlene to join her.
"I'm sorry it's so hectic," she whispered as Marlene pulled out the chair and sat down next to her. "I know you'd rather be at home right now but I'm glad you came. I think it's good for you to get out of the house and keep busy."
Marlene didn't have a chance to say anything further as James had stood from his chair, raised his glass and tapped his fork to metal to indicate he wanted to speak. It took only seconds for the small chatter to die down before all eyes in the room were on him.
"Firstly, I want to say thank you for being here tonight. Lily and I think of you all as our family now and it means a great deal to us to be able to spend it with each and every one of you." There were a few cheers before James cleared his throat and began to speak again. "As some of you already know, this Christmas is extra special to us because we learned recently that pretty soon another Potter will be joining our household ..."
He trailed off for dramatic effect. It didn't take people long to figure out what James was trying to say and there were some more hoots and cheering as people offered their congratulations to both Lily and James.
"You didn't tell me Lily was pregnant," Emmeline leaned over to whisper. "Would have been nice to know before I offered her the firewhiskey punch three separate times."
Marlene had to stifle a giggle as James continued to speak.
"Lastly, before we eat, I just wanted to say – "
There had been a loud banging noise. He stopped talking and instinctively reached down to grab his wand. He wasn't the only one, Marlene had hers clutched tightly in her grasp and observed the numerous others that were already standing, eyes trained on the hallway.
"Padfoot," he finally spoke.