You hadn't been smoking for two days.
Two. Days.
It felt like two years.
Your hands were shaking as you pulled the little container out of your bag. Chewing gum. "Chewing Gum's good..", you whispered to yourself as you slipped two pieces past your lips starting to chew hectically as the peppermint flavor exploded in your mouth. "Chewing Gum is good.", you repeated. "Chewing Gum is socially acceptable."
It was. No one would ever judge you for chewing gum. They did judge you for your inattentiveness. For you trying to blend out their voices by listening to music too loud. They did judge you for being jumpy, for your mood swings due to insomnia and drinking more than five cups of coffee a day. They judged you for every time you acted out of the ordinary and every time you couldn't take it anymore and stormed outside to smoke a cigarette or two. And most of all they judged you for relieving the pressure you felt in your soul by punishing yourself physically. They didn't understand why you did it. Sometimes you didn't either. But deep down inside you you knew that noone ever judged you as hard and merciless as you did yourself.
You sighed. "It seems I won't ever really be free of my own shortcomings..", you said to yourself. Indeed there was always something. If you weren't cutting you were smoking. If you weren't smoking you were bingeing coffee or sweets or starving yourself. If you weren't bingeing you were reading books or fanfictions all day to a point where you forgot your own name.
The urge was so strong you had to dig your fingernails into your palms. You were not going to give up again.
You were feeling sick. Had it always been this way?
While you were wondering when and where your life had taken a turn for the worse there was someone taking a step outside the building into the cold nightair. He pulled out a slightly battered pack of cigarettes and lighted one immediately inhaling the smoke deeply. Breath in. Smoke out. He felt a well known rush going through his veins and let out a satisfied sigh.
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.
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a/n: I srsly don't know if writing this makes things better or worse^^
..also I'd really appreciate any kind of feedback as i'm really not sure about... all of this. thanks for reading.. i hope you enjoyed it ♡🙈✌🏻