Fitting In
I was sooooooo bored. John was in the studios and I woke up to NO ONE here. He must have thought he was being nice but I was soooooooooo bored.
As I walked around the echo-y rooms I felt pent up and emotional I haven't felt this way since I was drying out- no I'm not going to find any liquor. Maybe when John comes back I can casually ask to have wine with dinner. God help me I will make another mess if I don't watch myself.
I saw a pile of books not yet in the bookcase, so I grab a duster and sort what's on the shelf and add the newbies, done. Time – a half hour, not bad just heaps too many to go! Maybe I should just sleep again, nope my eyes won't shut for that long.
I cast my eye around the room, I should dust the lot but I'm not the maid well John probably won't even notice anything anyway. A pile of discarded paperwork..... music notes and scribbles, words on napkins, envelopes and backs of invoices and fan mail, well at least he touches their fan letters!
I have an idea, a stupid one but it will keep me entertained for a bit and I can get more written if I feel so inclined as I read the old stuff- my poetry/ writing/ bits of prose. As I rummage through my duffel bag I realise I haven't sorted my boxes at George and Patties, I could go there, nah not today anyhow. Book yes I will go through and see if anything catches my eye for the boys to fool around with, that's what I think George wanted to do.
As I slowly turn the yellowed pages I see my life, the books big ok!, I scribbled ditties about everything- George and the near drowning one of the first entitled "Scrawni Harri", now there's a song! I see George has made a notation, marking in the margin 'No Bloody Way' - spoil sport.
"The Kiss" has two or three notes in the margin and a doodle obviously Johns. From George 'a keeper', From probably Paul 'Georges invisible friend' and from John 'kissed at long last' a kissy face and rude pic of two people, so small but detailed.
I'm smiling so this wasting time business is ok.
"George goes to Hollyburg act 2" – George is screwing heaps now, Paul is getting some / John is pulling none, Pete has no hope at all, Let them all come back/ perhaps though, throw Pete overboard- geez I should rip this one out holy moley what dribble, though I might keep for the notations now!- George 'yes!!!', John' pick on someone else KassandrA', Paul 'yes, yes I did thank-you', Ringo 'who is this Pete you speak of!'
In Love- George wrote 'nice but he is still a big tosser', Paul has now drawn lips, John 'too soppy but ok for those Paulie types' and Ringo 'get a room'
These boys are a hoot I love that they even manage to make me laugh and they aren't even in the room.
Theatre- This one was the night of the Royal Command Performance, you know 'rattle your jewellery', all the nerves; was it Harry the taxi driver?, my dress, fleeting glimpses of the lads, invisible in the mass of bodies outside, then being alone again at the end. Comments from all four written in red ink littered the page George- 'I didn't even know you were there til 3 days later!!!!', Paul 'my da said you were very nice when he met you', Richie 'next time you're my date!' and John 'if you were so invisible how do I recall the lady in red'
John saw me?? No impossible surely. Sure, I was sitting with Mrs H, I suppose he could have spotted her, his Aunt Mimi and Jim McCartney and a few others in the section, I will ask him one day.
"Fucking Bastard Man" has George noting 'settle petal', Paul 'angry somewhat kass', Ringo I guess notes 'you go girl' next to where I write: I want to rip his head off/ Throw it way off and John has drawn a broken heart and a bandaid on a finger 'too many cuss words in here!'
I found a poem that had ticks all down the side, one of my dark days had elicited words of longing and sadness. Along with ticks was a huge smiley face in the corner, the fact John could see something good in all the bad made my emotions tip for a while. Silent tears and a sob escaped I hadn't cried for so long and it felt wrong as here with John I was happy, sated, safe, but just the knowing that he thought something I had jotted on paper was worthy made me truly happy with his smiley face.
I gathered up the little tape recorder I found in the corner and a brand new tape, ripping the plastic casing off and before I could double guess myself, I then sat at the piano, fingers hovering, millimetres from the keys.
I hadn't been the best student and never did my homework but what I had taken from being around George was that whatever you felt was right, whatever you thought was good, whatever you touched perfect.
As I tinkered and listened back to the tape again and again, I caught a virus, I was captured by the bug- creation, birth of new. I worked for 3 hours straight, I thought it had been about an hour so when I eventually realised the hour I was flabbergasted but brimming with happiness. And knowing I had made a basic piano tune to hold my words, phrased and held where I wanted them, where I thought they sounded warm and true to the heart was pure excitement.
I now understand what holds John, Paul, George and Ringo in the studio to all hours and then to be full of beans after all that to keep going, keep creating.
I gave up thinking about tunes and lyrics, I had tinkered til I was going round in circles, I felt safe with the sound the tape recorder had held in its little holder. I resigned for the day and put the papers and journal in a big heap together on the coffee table and left the recorder on the piano stool, it was quite bulky and I didn't want to scratch the table with the hard exterior.
The radio beckoned and Little Eva blasted out 'Locomotion' I was in the middle of 'jumpin back' when caught red handed, I had been screaming out 'Locomotion' and I swung round and there he was the stuff of legend, all the girl's dreams- my reality, Pauls worst nightmare on a bad day, smirking leaning nonchalantly against the door frame, slow clapping at my horrible singing and dancing. The John special then occurred, eyes crinkled and a smile wider than he ever showed in public, appeared overtaking the smirk and I went from embarrassed to elated in seconds.
Holding out his hands I leaped into him and we nearly toppled over, he kissed me soundly and I blushed over the revelation that I was a closet radio star, if I had had a hairbrush I would have completed the look.
"Your early!" I gasped as we recovered our footing, I was bouncing with adrenalin from the exercise and activity that had lit my brain all afternoon.
"It's 3am missy, you're up too late!" John lead me over to the deep blood red velvet sofa, he plonked down tired but happy.
"I'll fix a snack and tea" I bounded out of the room too quickly for John tiredly grabbing for my arms.
As I pottered around grabbing biscuits and brewing a pop of tea, I could hear him shuffling records, then the scrap of the door, the door beside the piano he would soon enough see the tape recorder, out of place on the...
"Why is this on 'ere?" John bellowed, down the short hallway.
I played dumb, but my tummy tingled with a mixture of equal level of excitement and fear, I flushed red recalling my little tape sitting within his fingers reach, one push and he would....
A piano was soon heard, then my voice faltering, wavering in my unsteady tilt. John had pressed the button and I heard him again drop to the sofa.
As I slowly rounded the corner with the tray of food, I stopped. The unfinished music was still playing and John was leaning back on the sofa, eyes shut tight, a tug of a smile hovering at the corner of his sweet mouth as my voice sang he would raise an eyebrow or form a frown, then as fleeting as the frown was there it was replaced with a smile, then eyebrow raising again.
I placed the tray down ever so softly but my eyes met now open brown ones as I looked up at him again, my flushed cheeks now felt hot and bright rosy red. As the music stopped, a pin could have dropped on the roadway outside and I would have been able to find it in moments.
"I've been tinkering" I smiled unsurely as I flopped down on the couch drawing my knees up to my chest leaning my head on them gazing at John, he wordlessly hopped up and replayed the tape, three times no less!
Within minutes he was on the telephone "George, yea I know.... So, you gotta listen to this.... No it's not more of Strawberry! ..... just listen here" John pressed the button to play my 'song' again "Hear it?" apparently, George said yes as John kept holding the big black phone out toward the tape played speakers. My rosy red cheeks were now scarlet, John smiled broadly which didn't help in the least, I buried my head pathetically further into my knees.
"Yes, that's it ... fucking grand. I... yea I will, bye" John hung up and the silence was deafening, I groaned in a strangled cat style and felt John pulling at my hands, lifting my head which I had now mad feel like a ton weight I wasn't moving for him easily. "Kassandra, stand the fu... Stand up luv"
"But I'm terribly embarrassed, I didn't think you would telly-phone George just like that!!" I moaned as he final managed to grab this lead weight and pull her to his body.
"Christ, you're lucky I didn't run out and grab the lot of them down here" He mumbled into my hair, kissing my head.
"Why, to laugh?"
"Really, you didn't just hear that four or more times and hear it for real?" John tsked me and pulled me toward the piano. "Listen as if it's BBC radio, listen as if it's NOT yours. Close your eyes now, hear it...." My song played yet again and I closed my eyes and leaned into Johns comfort and warmth, he swayed me after a bit making me more secure.
"It's rough for sure but it's that crystal you get from the mines, no diamond sparkling on a necklace YET, you have to polish and shine to get the pretty necklace but you still have to have that piece of crystal from the mine, right?" I nodded onto his chest and sighed, I smiled as I leaned back to look at his face for clues of his jest.
"Really you think its ok?" The nod I got in response made me smile so brightly, John kissed me smiling against my lips with me.
"It's more than ok, Kass. Be sure, be brave, trust your instincts as they are ther within you, I know that for sure" as John kissed me again, I returned his passion, grasping his shirt I felt more alive and invigorated than ever... the telephone ringing cut us apart, I groaned and John leaned toward it, hugging me to him.
"Yea?" John spoke sharply but then his face softened, he looked down at me, covering the mouthpiece "Paul wants a gander. Ok?" I shrugged, did George call Paul straight away, John pressed the play button yet again.
As my words bounded around us, John smiled adoringly, that's the only way I could describe the vision he invoked, he took my breathe away so I leaned up and kissed him, giving back as much as he was giving me. As I broke away, he tickled my side, so I knew he meant business while speaking with Paul.
"Still there?....... I'll tell her....... what? oh tops, do you think we could add some guitar, have a think will ya ..... no she is a bit shaky but starting to trust that it's gear.......... no, not tomorrow we don't have time, maybe the......... no, Friday will be work as then we can stay for the party.... Too right need a night off! I haven't told her yet! Ta-rah"
"Paulie says 'you have to trust yourself and its..... fucking fantastic' !!" John grabbed me up swinging me around as I giggled at his Paulie impersonation.
"So Friday?" As we walk to the bedroom, well John walks I am now being piggy backed, I kiss his cheek. I'm a little more settled that three quarters have heard the song now.
"Oh yea 'course. So we will go in have a run through your tune with ya, and then a party at Richies!" I'm tossed on the bed, John sits and takes his boots off, mulling over Friday I guess. "It's Zaks birthday so yea it's a kiddie party but that's ok, isn't it. If not we can go out or...."
I cut him off, a finger over the lips a quick way of shushing his banter "It's perfect I miss Maur and the boys and I'm yet to meet the kids, it will be grand!"
"We don't have to stay long, half hour then somewhere more... happening not so boring for you"
"Why do you think I will be bored!? Hmmmm tell me what's in your brain, Einstein?"
"Well I haven't noticed you wanting to be with kids and the like. I thought you'd be bored"
"You're labelling me as the nasty girl that doesn't entertain the thought of children and noise?!" I tickled his foot as his socks were tossed in the hamper from the bed. "You don't know much. I am a babysitting extraordinaire, I'll have you know"
"You like 'em?!"
"Yea love the bubs and littlies. Was my main source of dosh in Liverpool as a teen, especially while you had my George off gallivanting round Hamburg!" John kissed me on the cheek and hoped up to sort his pyjamas in the closet ending the conversation for the night.