I start to hyperventilate and I have to lean against the door to not fall over. The world swims before my eyes and I feel the terror like a rock rising in my throat and I make it to the ground before the first one comes up. I start to dry heave because I haven't eaten since last night's dinner. I feel the stomach acid burn my esophagus as it rises and I just make it to the bathroom down the hall when it makes its appearance.
When I get all possible out of my stomach, I sit in the stall and sob and sob and sob until someone comes in and I immediately stand up and and get as quiet as possible.
I hear them walk to the stall I'm in and then "M, is that you?" It's Violet.
I unlock the stall door and I pull it open to collapse in her arms. "I'm so scared... I'm sorry... please don't leave me... I'm so scared." I finally stop crying after she holds me for a couple minutes but it's only replaced with me starting to feel my instincts kick in and I start to get panic-y. I feel my breathing pick up and my heart rate increase.
"Need to go. I need to get out of here. I need to be anywhere but here." I start to pace and shake my hands at my side to try to get rid of energy.
"It's ok. It's ok." She grabs my shoulders and forces me to face her. "What happened? Tell me. What did he do?"
"He didn't do anything. I- me and- Quincy and I- we..." I sigh. "We're together and we kissed. Right after he walks in. And then I run out and now I'm here."
"OK but he didn't do anything, right?"
"Yeah."
"So you're fine. Completely fine."
"I don't feel fine."
"But you are. He's done nothing to you, all he's done is be a creep. He has no history of doing anything."
"But most men that do stuff win in the court cases and they have no history or they scare the women so they don't tell. You know that. Just because he has no legal history doesn't mean he has no actual history."
"I know, but I've known him since he started working here. He's a really nice guy with a sense of humor. He probably just doesn't know what he's feeling because he's so young and he's never had the right social situations."
"Whatever. I don't care what he does when he's trying. It's what really matters when they aren't trying. And it's always the most likely person. You'll see when I'm right."
Her face becomes a picture of anger as I walk out of the room and when I leave, he's right there. I want to turn back so bad but I can't because I just lost the only ally I had.
I try to walk to Quincy's room, acting like it is no big deal that he's following me. I keep on walking, but he follows me for a while. I feel his presence leave when he turns a different corner than me and I feel myself relax. I must take a wrong turn somewhere because I end up in a strange hall that I don't recognize.
"Did you get lost?" I hear a voice behind me and I whirl around to see that it's Johnathan.
"Uhh... um." I'm frozen under is stare.
"Do you want to go back to Quincy's room?"
"Ummm... uh." I clear my throat, "Yes. I do." I mean for it to sound normal but it comes out as practically a whisper.
"OK. I'll show you how to get back." I realize he might not actually be that bad of a person and I relax a little, but I'm still cautious.
"OK"
We're walking for a couple seconds before he says, "So, how are you handling this, you know, Quincy being in a coma and waking up and all that's been going on."
"I think that it was a big shock for us all but I'm pretty good now that he's getting better," I pause for a second and rethink that he's that bad of a person, "thank you for asking."
"No problem. But if you need to ask questions or talk about how you can help him, you can talk to me." I decide that he must really be caught up in this first crush business and I forgive him that he's a little creepy.
"OK. I will if I have to."
"OK." We walk a little more and we turn the corner to the hall Quincy's in and I turn to Johnathan.
"Thank you for walking me."
"You're welcome." He stands there for a second and seems to decide on something. "Do you wanna go to dinner with me tomorrow?"
"Uh no. Sorry. Quincy and I are actually together now." My eyebrows go together in confusion. "Didn't you see?"
"Oh yeah, that. I remember now." His tone changes from being happy to being angry. "Well, do you want me to treat Quincy?"
"Of course!" My feelings of panic start to come back and I start to mark each door and hallway to figure out the best way to get away, because he's blocking the way to Quincy's room.
"Then go to dinner with me."
"What will you do if I don't? He's almost healed."
"Oh yes, that. I guess I'll figure out a way to... fudge the papers, make them think I'm giving him enough. But I won't be, you can be sure of that."
"What? You will?" I feel devastated. I can't let this happen. "OK fine. I'll do it."
"You will? Great. Meet me outside tomorrow at 6:00. Be dressed to impress." He walks next to me and while he's leaving, he smacks my butt. "Oh yeah, and don't tell anyone, or I'll revoke the agreement." He whispers in my ear.
I stay in that spot for at least two more minutes until someone finally comes down the hall and it makes me have to move or I might have to come up with an excuse for not doing anything.
I continue walking to Quincy's room and steel myself and make sure that I'm not showing too much on my face. When I get there I see him through the window and I wave and let myself in after taking a deep breath.
"Hey there." I say to him, trying to get rid of the steeliness in my voice. "How are you?"
"I'm fine, how are you? Why'd you run off like that earlier?"
"Oh um, it was a lot and I felt like I needed some air so I went outside for a few minutes. I got lost on the way back and I had to get escorted by your doctor to get here."
"OK. You're sure, right? I'm not pushing anything on you or something?" He sounds so scared and worried that I realise I must not be convincing enough.
"Oh no! Of course not. I'm fine." I cross the few steps to his bed and I hold his hand.
He looks down at our hands and then looks up at me and he stares into my eyes. "I really don't think you're ok."
"I... I'm..." I try to think of what I can say. I realize I can only say one thing that will make it be ok. I have to tell him something that will break his heart enough to get me away from him. "I'm going on a date with Jonathan." Even though I'm trying to get him away from me, I try to give him a look that will remind him what I said before. That I love him no matter what happens.
"What?! But... we just... you just... I thought that..." He lets go of my hand and looks down at his own. "If that's what you want, then I guess as long as you're happy, we won't be together. But please, if this is truly what you decide is what you want to do." His voice starts to quiver and he pauses and takes a deep breath. "Please, leave. You can't be here if unlike me, you don't want to be in this relationship." His voice is cold, but I can see pain and anger though his tears.
"I... I." I lean forward and kiss him. "I'm going with Joh-" my voice cracks. "Johnathan."
"Then please, leave. I- I can't."
I get up and pick up my bag. I look down at him laying with his back to me, shaking as he cries. I grab his hand and squeeze it, holding it as I turn and walk out, letting it trail out of my hand as I start to sob.