A/N: This chapter starts out the same, but it also contains my first very big change to the story line. Hope y'all enjoy!
Stars. Bright, blinding, earth shattering bliss slowly ebbed away from my trembling body as Severus removed his firm grip on my hips. He was breathing heavily, each breath labored and dripping with exhaustion as he dropped his torso low enough to place a kiss on my shoulder before stepping away from me and adjusting his clothing. He took a yet another precautionary glimpse around the otherwise empty Hospital Wing.
"No one saw," I reassured him with a playful smirk as I replaced my own clothing. It was a rainy, dreary Saturday, and Poppy had gone to Hogsmeade for the day. The silence of the place had been enough to drive even someone sane completely mad, so Severus dropping by to check on me had been a welcome distraction.
"It will be disastrous if someone catches us. We have to stop doing this out in the open," Severus replied, though there was a ghost of a smirk playing on his lips that told me he found the risk of being caught just as exciting as I did.
"I believe you are the man such things are reported to, are you not?"
"Just because I am Headmaster does not mean I want to open my private life to an entire school of little imbeciles," he clipped back, very Severus like. I rolled my eyes with a small smile at his general annoyance with the students.
"I was once one of those little imbeciles you so loathe, you know," I teased as I finished adjusting my own robes. "Who would have thought back then that I would be fucking Professor Snape in the hospital wing one day?"
"Who would have thought you would ever even want to," Severus retorted with a small shake of his head, the corners of his lips slightly upturned on his otherwise stoic face. In the midst of all my constant bullshit, it was easy for me to forget that he was dealing with his own as well. His words made my heart heavy, and for the millionth time, I wished I could travel back in time just to beat the shit every single person in his past who had given him such a negative view of himself.
I rolled my eyes as I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around him, squeezing him tightly against me for a moment before stepping back just enough to look up at him. "You are incredibly intelligent," I said and placed a brief kiss on his lips. "And sexy," I added. "And you are absolutely phenomenal in bed. I'm the luckiest woman in the world."
"So you always say," he responded and kissed my forehead briefly, before stepping back and straightening out his robes again. "My meeting is soon. I should prepare beforehand."
"Perhaps I can join you after dinner.. and we could really give those portraits something to gossip about," I grinned, pulling my lip between my teeth as I eyed him, earning a deep chuckle from him as he gently pushed my hands away from his body.
"If you don't stop looking at me that way, I'm going to be late," he chided playfully, but there was a hunger in his eyes that told me he was serious.
"I suppose you shouldn't be late.. again."
"After dinner then," he said, kissing me one last time before leaving me on my own.
I began to busy myself immediately, starting with the newest batch of potions Professor Slughorn had sent for Poppy. It felt surreal to be doing something so mundane again, but I found comfort in it. I tried to tell myself, as I put away the final vial and moved on to my next task, that the all familiar pull of my powers wasn't nagging at me. It was just a few days shy of December now, and Voldemort's "tasks" were few and far between. I couldn't help but feel he was purposefully calling on me less for his own sick enjoyment. He allowed me just enough to get by. No more and no less. He couldn't care less about the students in this school and would likely be entertained if I lost my grip and hurt any of them.
I was thankful to have Severus, for things would certainly been worse if we were still estranged, but I felt guilty that his company and his love weren't enough to sate the longing I felt inside. I wanted to lose control, I wanted the shadows to erupt, to destroy something. No, I needed to. But instead, I remade the beds scattered among the rooms, telling myself it really hadn't been all that long. I told myself that being ordered around like a child by Voldemort these past few months since school began didn't make my blood boil, that this wasn't me- some destructive, blood thirsty monster. Not the old me anyways.
It was days like these that I wished I could have her back. The Kathryn whose body hadn't grown a resistance to her potions. I had been quiet and boring, and I missed that. But quiet and boring Kathryn had never gotten Severus' attention, and even if I had he likely would have never pursued a relationship with me. It was our damage that I brought us together. Being broken was what we had in common, as unhealthy as I didn't wish to admit that was. We were two fragmented people trying to piece each other back together, even when we couldn't do it for ourselves.
A wave of what had recently became a regular annoying occurrence of nausea pulled me from my thoughts, barely leaving me time to make it to a waste bin before the remnants of what little breakfast I had that morning escaped. I dropped to my knees, shaking and sweating as I continued to empty the contents of my stomach, until there was nothing left. Was this another side effect from not using my powers? It wouldn't be the first time my body turned on me in such a way, but it had never been so persistent before.
"You'll never guess what I found-," Poppy's voice rang out through the otherwise silent room, but was cut short with a small gasp when she saw me hunched over the bin. "Merlin, Kathryn. Are you okay, dear?"
I turned my head to regard her, but instantly regretted it, my head snapping back to it's original place as I continued to vomit as she continued to fuss over me. "Okay, now. Up you go, let's get you to a bed."
"I don't need a bed, Poppy. I'm fine, really," I feebly argued, but it was rather pointless. She practically dragged me to one anyways, where she placed her hand on my forehead first, before continuing to fuss over me.
"You don't have a fever. Is there anything else wrong? Headache, muscle pain, anything?"
I shook my head and gave her a little shrug. "It's probably nothing, Poppy. I've been doing it a lot lately. I think maybe it's just a side effect of my... abilities, is all."
Poppy eyed me, her gaze quizzical. "Kathryn, dear, have you," she began but stopped short to clear her throat rather uncomfortably, "Do you have a man in your life?"
"I fail to see what that has to do with me being...," I trailed off.
"Oh..," I breathed out as realization of what she was saying sunk in.
"So?"
"You don't think I could actually... I mean that's ridiculous," I squeaked, staring back at her with wide eyes. "I'm careful. I take my preventative each month-"
"You don't actually think those potions are one hundred percent effective do you?"
"Well I mean, no.. but I.. this is insane. That's not what this is."
Poppy placed her hands on her hips, and cleared her throat once more. "If you're so sure, it won't be any trouble for me to perform a quick little charm, just to check. You know.. Just to ease my mind."
"If you wish to waste your time," I clipped back, though my chest tightened in fear as she pulled her wand from her robes. I looked up the the ceiling, deciding it would be best to focus on absolutely anything else. This was ridiculous. I couldn't be...
After what felt like ages, finally she said, "As I suspected.. You're expecting, dear."
My head snapped toward her direction as I gaped, a nervous laugh bubbling up my throat. "Wha- I- That's just... I can't have a... a.." I couldn't seem to make my mouth form the word that now screamed through my mind on repeat.
"A baby, Kathryn. Most people call them babies."
My panicked breathing filled the silence between us. No, no, no. This couldn't be happening, especially not now. How on earth was I supposed to tell Severus? How would he react? Would he be as terrified as me? Would he be... happy? No, he couldn't be. We were on the brink of war, and now I was with child. How could he be anything but a mess about it? "Fuck."
"I'm going to let that one pass," Poppy said, in response to the explicit I had just spoken in her Hospital Wing. "I have some things to put away. I'll give you some time to soak this in. I'll be in my office should you need anything."
She gave me a sympathetic pat on the arm as she took a step to give me some privacy, but my hand shot out and grasped her wrist. "Poppy.. I can't be a- a parent. How on earth is someone like me supposed to raise a child?"
She sighed and pointed her wand toward a nearby chair , wordlessly summoning it closer so that she could sit down next to me. "You know, I never really thought of having children of my own. I was always content with taking care of those who belonged to others. The thought of having something so precious, so.. fragile. It's something I decided I could do without."
"But then your parents died, and they brought you here to this room. You were so distraught and heartbroken. I didn't know then that I would grow to love you so deeply, as if you were my own flesh and blood. If someone would have told me I would one day essentially be your mother, I would have absolutely refused. It would have terrified me. Much like you're feeling now. Perhaps in this moment you don't love that little spark of life growing inside of you, but you will. And you will find a way to be a good mother, despite what you think."
"Poppy.. I'm a monster. The things I've done-"
"The things you've done only means you have that much more to atone for. This darkness you have inside, it's not you, Kathryn. You are not cruel. You do not hurt others, and you certainly did not ask to be this way. Dumbledore said it himself, that what you've done has always been inevitable, and you fought it far longer than any of us expected. This child... may very well be born with the same abilities, and he or she will need their mother to show them the way. This is your chance to come back from it, dear. What it really comes down to is how hard are you willing to fight for it?"
A/N: I intended on working the pregnancy into this story the first time around, but I lost my direction. A lot of the plans I've always had for this story revolves around a pregnant Kathryn, and it's something that will have a big effect on how the next book starts... that is if I ever finish this one 😅. Thank you anyone who has taken the time to go back and re-read this or is reading this story for the first time.