★彡 EIGHTEEN 彡★
FREDDIE HOPED THAT THE UNIVERSE WOULD TAKE PITY ON HIS EXHAUSTED SOUL. That it would let him rest for a while, but it seemed that everything and everyone was against him because the moment he stepped foot inside the familiar recording studio he hasn't visited for months, everyone went quiet and they stared at him as he was the object of their curiosity and interest, which then made him a whole lot uncomfortable—his nerves tensing up and flight instinct being activated, ready to fly out of the room to avoid their gazes until Brian seemed to take sympathy for him, softly ushering the crew to leave so that they can talk to the man in private.
Freddie shuffled on his feet, looking nothing like the confident man he is whenever he performs on stage and it didn't even take him a few minutes before he let out an accidental choked sob, rushing to the three who embraced him without hesitation— not even caring that Freddie hasn't seen them for months or even spent time with them, no matter what he does, he's still family. And family will always be their priority. "I'm sorry," Freddie whispered almost inaudibly and Roger kept the cigarette he was supposed to light up away, the snarky reply getting stuck on his throat when he saw how genuinely broken Freddie looked.
They weren't going to lie, the three were all itching to know what happened ever since Elijah suddenly dropped by a few hours before his departure for Japan, tear-stricken eyes being unsuccessfully concealed by his glasses and shockingly announced that he and Freddie aren't 'officially together' before handing a small letter to John for Freddie, leaving no explanation to why the two suddenly broke up— seeing that Freddie and Elijah were very much in love with each other. A certain thought hasn't left their minds since that day.
How could everything go so bloody wrong?
Roger mused as Freddie slowly calmed down, Brian heaving him up to place him on the couch, noticing that he was still shaken from the unintended breakdown he experienced in front of them and John placed a glass of water next to him. "Are you okay, Freddie?"
Said male merely shook his head, coughing out loud and it was only that they noticed the evident dark bags underneath his eyes, the looming heaviness that settled on his shoulders— reminding Brian of the tale of Atlas who carried the world on his shoulders because that is exactly what Freddie appeared to be like— and the obvious weight loss which did nothing to soothe their worries. Freddie may have a big heart for everyone and made sure that even their audience was taken care of however that doesn't mean he had the same attitude towards himself. Brian recalled the days where they still weren't popular and only had enough money to buy food, just a simple band playing songs in the pub and Freddie nearly starved himself just to save money for rent, his cats' food and to be able to record an album. Nevertheless, all those hard work paid off, but Freddie not taking care of himself was more likely than anyone thinks.
Although, that changed when Elijah arrived in his life. Freddie started eating healthier and had a severe alertness when it came to the unhealthy habits he had. John reminisced the time when Freddie said "I want to be healthy for him, because when we grow old together I want to take care of him and thank him for everything he does for me." And that thought was quickly diminished from his mind and replaced with a mocking one Well, Elijah's not here anymore, is he?
Brian's eyes flitted towards Roger and John who merely shrugged and he sighed, deciding to be the 'dad' again, "Do you want to talk about it, Fred? You know we're always here for you, you're a part of the family after all." And Elijah, he added internally, not wanting to risk the chance of Freddie freaking out again when he hears Elijah's name. Freddie glanced up, agitation filling the bottom of his stomach and he let out a deep breath, contemplating if he should talk about it or not— before settling with not telling them the whole details, for now.
He still wasn't ready to talk about Elijah, the mere name sending memories in his mind on an overdrive and he can't help but be frightened every time he gets lost in a memory of the two of them happy and content with each other. Believe him, there was still a massive heartache that lingered on his heart despite a week that has passed since he left. After all, no one can possibly move on that easily from their soulmate. It was soon enough that regret would enter his bones and he just wished he could take back all the words he said to the man and maybe he wouldn't feel what he was feeling right now— shit. It was for the best. Freddie tried to assure himself yet the doubt triumphed when a snarking voice entered his mindscape, is it really though? If you didn't decide to be a coward and talked things with him, maybe Elijah's still your boyfriend. And the two of you are happy despite the long-distance between each other. You're just a coward, a mere wimp. Elijah does deserve better than you.
And it hurts. Freddie's own subconscious was actually ganging up on him and he blinked heavily as his vision blurred with unseen tears. He shook his head however, and placed a wide grin on his face, trying not to cringe knowing that the three were well aware that he wasn't doing any better. "I don't really want to tell you guys the long story here, since the recording studio may be sound-proofed but I don't trust that anyone here won't try and put a recorder or something to hear what we've been talking about."
"Your paranoid ass truly amazes me, Fred." Roger joked, trying to lighten the mood of the room and it was significantly successful, seeing the smile that appeared on Freddie's lineaments momentarily and the amused expressions on both Brian and John's face. "If you say so, Freddie. But we're always here for you, okay?"
That made Freddie's mood lift up even just a little, he even had to swallow down the sweet words that were about to escape his mouth because he doesn't do pleasantries, unless it's for the love of his life. "Good news though, Paul is definitely out." Freddie started and winced when Roger let out a loud whoop, "Fucking hell finally!" and John laughed.
"That's good, Freddie. No offence but we don't really like his company around you. He's very toxic." Brian straightforwardly said. "Yeah! I despise that bloody wanker." Roger agreed as Freddie quietened for a moment, "Why did you guys not tell me then?"
John decided to answer his question, "Freddie, we saw the way he manipulated you, but we can't get enough evidence for you to see it and believe in us without you thinking we just want him out— because he was already able to deceive you, we don't know how until Elijah arrived and something had to have happened because you fired Paul without any hesitation." The mention of Elijah's name made Freddie's heart clench while Roger gaped, the cigarette he lit falling from his mouth, stunned that John would really say that so bluntly without giving any fuck. Said man merely arched his eyebrow and Freddie had to control himself from telling how Paul kissed him and Elijah witnessed it and that was the beginning of the end.
Brian suddenly stood up, almost giving himself a whiplash when he entered the recording area and walked back hastily with a small envelope in his hands, Freddie squinted to look at the handwriting and almost fell from the couch when he recognized whose it was.
None other than Elijah's beautiful handwriting. Freddie knew those small curvy and sophisticated penmanship more than his own and his heart beat started racing frantically when Brian handed him the letter and he took it with trembling hands, seeing the looks the three gave him.
"Speaking of Elijah, he gave this to Deaky a week ago and we just want you to have it. You deserve to read it since it's yours after all," Brian explained and Freddie's heart stop, faintly smelling the scent of Elijah's perfume clinging into the letter and he clutched it tightly, unable to send the tears leaking from his eyes away.
The very thought of Elijah writing a letter to him made his heart break in more ways than it could ever do when he remembered how he didn't even say goodbye to the man, just a farewell kiss which ended up doing more bad than good on his part. And it most likely did on Elijah's too.
♚
The envelope was shaking from his touch.
Freddie resolutely tries to ignore the fact as his oscillating hands caressed the envelope softly and gently ripped it, his fingers hesitating to open the letter, afraid of what he may see before he finally did and he couldn't restrain the teardrops that fell on the paper as he read the very lengthy letter Elijah wrote for him.
My darling Freddie,
Do you remember the day you talked to me about the Japanese art Kintsugi? And how you told me it's your most favorite type of art because it tells people that even if you're broken, you shouldn't look at it as a weakness rather something you should embrace because it represents who you are?
Well I do. That day, however simple it was made me look back on it and just realized how much I was already in love with you that moment. Your smile that brightened the whole room made me aware of how much you truly enjoy art, it's your passion aside from music and I'd hate it wither away. And please don't be insecure of your teeth, love, because I'm being honest when I tell you you have nothing to be ashamed for. They're beautiful because you are beautiful, always remember that.
But guess what? Your love for Japan has made me interested in the country more than you can ever think of— perhaps that's why I'll be having a tour there too! Anyways, I recently found out about a Japanese philosophy called Wabi-Sabi, it's apparently a world-view centered on transience and imperfection, and I relate to it deeply because I am not perfect too, hell, I don't even deserve someone who has a beautiful soul like you. But what I do know is, despite the imperfections I have, nothing will change with the fact that I love you with my whole life, and I probably will for the rest of my life— if I even live that long anyway.
I understand why you chose to let me go, Freddie. I do. You must think I'd probably hate you because of what you did but I could never hate you, my darling. Heartbroken, yes, but trust me when I say that this feeling of love? It will never go away, and you have to know that even if you think everyone will leave you, I will be here.
If you're sad because we aren't together anymore, please don't be. For my sake, I'd hate to see you cry and be unhappy because of me. I want you to live your life to the fullest: get shit-faced, spend time with Rog, Bri and Deaks and maybe even fall in love again; I'll still remain by your side, no matter how far away I am from you.
Freddie had to stop reading when his tears started leaking out uncontrollably and he couldn't read a single word because of how the tears blocked his vision. He was able to make out the last part though and choked out loud, even if there was no one in the room with him except for his cats, "I would never fall in love with someone like I did with you, Elijah."
I know I won't be able to sleep as much as I did because you're not by my side but I'm not bitter, I understand you truly, we both had reasons for ending our relationship and they're valid. It's quite funny how time flies so fast and everything just happens quickly but I always feel like I'm in slow-motion when I'm with you, I'm not going to lie, the memories keep rushing back on my head every night and I think of what ifs and what could have been, but it's too late for that right?
Anyways, I don't want to make this so long for you. I guess what I want to say is: please take care of yourself and please be happy. Don't be sad about this because if ever there comes a time in the future that we meet again, I'll smile with you in joy and maybe we could rekindle the love we have for each other and forget the hurtful part of this impossible year for the both of us, not in the near future because the wound's still painfully open but there's a tiny hope in myself that we can spend days in each other's comforts with no worries once more.
Your love is the best kind of love I've ever experienced. It may have been momentous but the feeling of meeting your soulmate was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Meeting you was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm sorry that I told you the 'what if I've never met you' because if I've never met you, I would have never experienced the love you and I have for each other. I love you with my whole soul, Freddie Mercury.
Faithfully yours,
Elijah Phoenix.
(PS. Here's a little excerpt of a song I wrote in the span of writing this letter, I probably would never be able to record this but it's for you, and your gorgeous self, love:
Leave this blue neighbourhood
Never knew loving could hurt this good, oh
And it drives me wild
'Cause when you look like that
I've never ever wanted to be so bad, oh
It drives me wild
You're driving me wild, wild, wild
You're driving me wild, wild, wild
You're driving me wild
We're alike you and I
Two blue hearts locked in our wrong minds
So can we make the most out of no time?
Can you hold me?
Can you make me leave my demons and my broken pieces behind?).
"This isn't fair, Elijah." Freddie whispered as the paper dropped on the floor, tear stains covering the page before he turned away and wiped his tears, he may be crying but it wasn't enough to quell the sadness raging inside his heart once again because of the letter Elijah gave him.
"I'm bound to be the loser in the end."
♚
author's note!
first of all, this is finally the end of act one! phew, I didn't even know I could reach that— act two would begin in 1980 and hopefully a bit drama-less, hopefully (depends on how the story goes tbh). second, this probably has got to be the current longest chapter of wild with around 2,500 words (I know it's not that many but oh well) AND third of all, this might/is the shittiest chapter I've ever written because I'm in a 1. Writer's block (erase-write-erase-write is what I did w this chapter), 2. SLEEPINESS IS CONTROLLING ME I could literally feel my eyes closing whilst writing this chapter so if there's any repetitive sentences I apologize, 3. My exam's in Thursday and I really really rushed this chapter so I'm really so sorry you guys don't deserve this trash 😭
Anyways, to compensate here's a VERY BEAUTIFUL AND MAGNIFICENT manip that @sebasstan made for this fic! I truly love her and her fics so much so go check those out!