I was just coasting, never really going anywhere,
Caught up in a web, I was getting kinda used to staying there,
Out of the blue,
I fell for you,
Now you're lifting me up, instead of holding me down,
Stealing my heart instead of stealing my crown,
Untangled all the strings round my wings that were tied,
You give me butterflies.
Butterflies - kacey musgraves.
*Amani*
"He made you soup?" Diana sighed dreamily and I rolled my eyes, this was the umpteenth time she was bringing up the period cramps rehabilitation story, yup, that's what I was referring to it now. I told her all about how Ali brought me soup and crackers in bed and ran me a hot bath, well shower anyway, and she's been looking to the ceiling and sighing dreamily ever since.
"It was canned soup, he just microwaved it" I explained.
"Oh it was still so sweet" she gushed.
That's what everyone says, I thought. After the let's try and make this marriage work and the its you and me against the world speech that Ali gave that night, I made a conscious effort to try to let my guard down, to try to at least let us be friends who could rely on each other at the very least, but the next morning he was in a fowl mood that I noticed almost immediately, that was after he banged the doors to his room, the fridge, the front door, the back door and knocked down a tall golden vase near the foot of the stairs.
I had assumed that it was the suspension that was getting to him and I felt even more guilty, to top it off he barely said a handful of words to me throughout the weekend, he buried himself in paperwork and stayed glued to his laptop all day. I didn't think it would affect me that much but I was miserable, so after a long phone call with my mum and sister, I thought going out would do me some good, I informed him that I'd be out for a bit and he replied with a curt nod and asked if I needed to drive one of his cars, to which I replied No. A part of me had hoped he would offer to drop me wherever I was going, I ended up calling an Uber instead.
I went to my father's house of all places, go figure how I felt that would bring me any sort of comfort, I missed Layla and Mama so much it hurt physically, it didn't help that my roommate was a grouch.
But my stepmother and grandma ended up being great company, we talked about so much and it beats me how I managed to just let loose and go with the flow as they both offered me endless advice about married life and also socialite gossip, but I did and I had to admit that I had a great time, one of my brothers was still pretending I didn't exist and the other one taught me how to play his play station 4 after I made him promise to come visit me sometime, so by the time I called another Uber and went home I was exhausted and carrying multiple gift bags I'd been sent home with.
My grinch husband was nowhere in sight as I made my way to my room and retired for the night.
By Monday his suspension was over and he left for the hospital really early in the morning, muttering something about having to see the chief before he began. I swallowed the building hurt that swarmed my throat and tried to concentrate on getting ready for work in a silent house.
Its not like I had expected to be courted and treated no less that queen by him, I had just thought that since he'd been making little promises here and there that we could actually have something here, but I could not help but feel that he blamed me partly for his suspension, which the more I thought about it, the more I saw it as if he'd just controlled himself and moved on then he won't have to deal with it in the first place.
I'd told diana the story of how he helped nurse me back to health that monday morning just to be sure that I hadn't dreamt it. I didn't understand how he could go from making me tea to acting like I didn't exist.
We stood at the nurses station for a bit updating patient charts on our tablets and occasionally turning to greet colleagues or guide patients, I suspected that my friend had had a little more than caffeine to boost her energy that morning, she probably downed a whole can of power horse because she was just a big ball of energy as opposed to my grumpy mood.
"These attendings sure know how to pucker up and kiss a---"
"Diana" I warned, "this is a children's ward can you not use bad words"
It was as if the silence itched her because she had barely let us have a minute of it since morning.
"I was going to say kiss the floor chief walks on" she defended,
"Sure you were" I said sarcastically, she was going to say what I thought she was going to say.
"Its true, ever since chief put out notice that he was stepping down and retiring, they've been putting in extra work hours, paying attention to the interns, being extra smiley at him, being extra nice to patients, Did you see Dr David from neuro, he's been wearing a tie all through the week, they're basically kissing---"
"Oh for the love of Allah Diana" I groaned, now she was just purposely frustrating me.
She laughed knowing she had got me and triumphantly high fived the air.
"I can't with you" I sighed paying attention to my tablet.
"You're just mad cause your husband is part of the floor kissers" she replied simply.
I scoffed, I'd brought that up before but he simply dismissed it saying he was too busy to take on the responsibility of being chief, and seeing as how he'd been acting lately, I wouldn't bet heavily on the matter.
"What?! He doesn't even have time for that" I said.
"Mmhmm" she replied with a sarcastic eye roll.
I had just begun to type in the rare silence that diana was offering when my pager began to beep in my pocket, I groaned out loud because it seemed like today was of to a bad start, I picked it up and saw that it was the chief who was paging me in the board room.
"I have to go" I sighed as I quickly typed in the last patient details I was on.
My friend looked up at me, "everything okay?"
"I hope so, the chief is paging me" I replied before quickly handing a nurse my tablet and scurrying off to the elevator.
As soon as I opened the doors to the boardroom my mind relaxed.
"Hala" I said cheerfully as I moved inside and shut the door.
"I'm not disturbing you, Am I?" She smiled as she came over and gave me a hug, there was something off about Hala I could tell, Hala was always dressed impeccably and looking straight out of a magazine cover, but today she had on a deep purple abaya with no makeup and her hair peeping out in rough strands beneath her cap as if she'd hastily thrown it on, during my wedding, she'd been one of the people that I formed a really strong bond with, it was crazy how in a short period of time we became so acquainted.
"Of Course not, How's sadiq doing?" I returned her smile and sat down, she did the same,
"He's great, he's in school" she replied, her hands fidgeting as she seemed so nervous.
"Is everything okay?" I asked concerned.
"Well of course" she smiled, "I just need a tiny favor"
*****
We were in a consult room, Hala was lying down on the exam chair and I was prepping the ultrasound machine, I had so many questions because Hala didn't look the least happy for a woman who suspected that she was pregnant with her second child, instead she looked terrified and nervous, I decided to keep my questions to myself.
Hala told me in the board room that she thinks she might be pregnant and she needed to know for sure, I asked her to get a gynecology consult because she seemed worried but she insisted that I do it.
She said she specifically requested me because she needed someone whose confidentiality she was sure of, but I suspected she just needed someone by her side.
"Okay are you ready?" I asked as I snapped on my latex gloves and pulled the stool near the exam table.
Hala looked at me and nodded slowly.
The look in her eyes made me want to hold her hands and tell her that whatever it was, she was going to be okay but I didn't because I knew the anticipation was killing her.
I proceeded to squirt the cold gel on her exposed stomach and began to use the transducer to move around, seeing as Hala was only growing more nervous by the minute, I concentrated on the blurry sonogram image on the monitor and after a few minutes of squinting, I spotted it, a growing fetus embedded within the walls of the uterus.
Excitement filled me and I squealed, "There it is"
Hala looked at me alarm covering her features, "S-so I'm actually p-" she couldn't complete her statement as her voice croaked at the end.
"Hala you're pregnant" I said slowly because judging by the emotions playing on her face at the moment, this wasn't exciting news for her. "I'd say about seven to eight weeks judging by the size"
She nodded facing the ceiling and biting her lip to keep from crying maybe.
"Are you okay?" I asked
She nodded again but this time was unable to stop the tears from rushing down her face,
"Oh Hala" I pulled her to me and hugged her while she cried her eyes out. A few minutes later she sniffled and let me go, relaxing back on the exam chair.
"I don't want to have this baby" she said firmly.
I was shocked at her admission "Hala - Don't say that" I began.
"No I don't, I don't want to bring another child into this world who'll have such a cruel man for a father" she snapped. "He forced me to take a stick test this morning, because he was suspicious that I was pregnant, but I dipped it into the toilet bowl and it came out negative, I wasn't sure I was, but I didn't want to take a chance of him knowing if I actually was pregnant."
"I'm so sorry Hala" were the only words that I could muster, because i was shocked beyond words.
Hala and her husband Rashid were the couple everyone wanted to be, they seemed happy from the eyes of the world but if the idea of having another child with him terrified her like this, then maybe what we saw was a facade.
========================
After work I'd gone straight home, it was around seven thirty pm, I took off my clothes and got to work preparing a relaxing bath, because I needed it like a fix.
In a tub of warm water, I threw in a strawberry bath bomb, I added several splashes of cucumber melon bath oil and my bathing humra, then I squeezed some lux lavender body wash and got in. I sat in the bath for what felt like hours just thinking and over thinking about what life was.
After Hala's consult today, I hadn't been myself for the rest of the day, she didn't tell me much about what was going on with her marriage but I assured her to that I would be here should she want to talk, it had to be bad for her to loathe the idea of having another child with her husband.
I kept on thinking about how people go into marriage with so much hope and dreams, but these dreams get shattered once you actually know who your life partner is, the worst part is when there is a child involved.
I didn't get married with any expectations, in fact I'd managed not to think too much about what this life had in store for me, but sometimes even without expectations and dreams, you end up getting hurt, and it doesn't hurt any less.
After that I prayed maghrib and then got dressed in a black Turkish gown with pink flower detailing and then headed down to the kitchen to make dinner, that would distract me for sure.
Ali was still nowhere in sight, no text, and no call from him either, okay then.
I began to rummage through the variety of frozen foods that I had in my freezer, frozen fries, frozen vegetables, frozen fruit, frozen mushrooms, frozen bolognese sauce, frozen lasagna squares, frozen chicken wings, frozen fish, okay literally almost everything was frozen because I usually didn't have time to cook from scratch, I was a busy woman, I even had big batches of frozen rice stored in ziplock containers. Could you blame me?
I began to assemble the chicken wraps for dinner after frying up some shredded chicken, I made a base of humus and mayo first, then a layer of chicken and a layer of Cole slaw and then another layer of chicken, then I wrapped it in foil and put it in the panini press to grill. I made about seven individual wraps because this was something to be reheated for breakfast
I checked my phone and it was almost nine and Ali was still not home. I thought about calling him because I was starting to get worried that something might have happened.
I began to pace up and down the living room and kitchen, checking the windows to see if his car had pulled up into the compound.
I had just picked up my phone to dial his number when I heard the sound of the gate opening followed by the sound of his car, I sighed in relief.
A few minutes later, the front door opened and Ali walked in holding his lab coat and briefcase in one hand and -- Oh! -- a bouquet of white roses in another.
"Salam Alaykum " he said flashing me a smile as he took of his shoes.
"Waalaykumusalam " I returned.
He dropped his things on the sofa and slowly made his way to me with a slight caution in his steps.
"I was beginning to worry, you should've called or texted me" I tried to refrain from saying it but I couldn't, how many minutes did it take to compose a text.
"I'm sorry I got pulled into an emergency surgery at the last minute" he said. "I got you these" he handed me the flowers.
I wasn't a roses and chocolates kind of girl, if ya didn't figure already and even though the gesture was nice, it didn't excuse his ghost behavior.
"I'll put them in some water" I said taking the flowers from him, A quick look of confusion flashed in his eyes before he nodded and quickly went up to his room.
He'd been expecting me to squeal in happiness and instead I seemed unimpressed so that had to have confused him.
I sighed and picked a vase from the cabinet in the dinning room, then I put them in warm water and dropped the flowers in it, they smelled really good.
Ali's behavior these past few days were unacceptable, especially since he'd gotten my hopes up with his heartfelt speech, I was actually willing to try as he put it, now I wasn't so sure.
I arranged the chicken wraps on a platter and put them on the dinning table. I took one and put it on a plate with a bottle of water in hand, I made my way to my bedroom.
About an hour later, I was done with dinner and had gotten ready for bed in blue pajamas, I was in the walk in closet, the shelf that I'd neatly arranged my textbooks and novels, looking for something to read before bed.
A knock came on my door and I sighed picking a textbook of oncology and going back to the room.
I opened the door to find Ali standing, "Hey can I come in?"
I nodded and moved out of the way, he entered my room and sat on the couch.
"I'm afraid I've been unfair to you" he said
"Gee ya think" I bit out.
"I'm sorry" he said while looking at me in his signature glare. "It wasn't your fault and I shut you out, it wasn't fair"
I stayed quiet for a bit, "its okay" I said in a small voice, him admitting his mistake and apologizing something.
"So you forgive me then?" He asked hopefully.
"If you tell me what was happening with you"
He ran his hands over his face and sighed, he patted next to where he was seated on the couch gesturing for me to sit.
I slowly walked to where he was, pulling the light pink shawl over my shoulders closer to my body as I sat.
Ali took my hands in his, his touch still had this Christmas tree effect on me, my hands were cold from the air con and his were warm, it felt comforting.
"Its Baba" he stated, "he emailed me some documents that he said your father and he agreed on" his face hardened as he said this.
"What documents?" I managed to ask.
Ali looked at me, "A prenuptial agreement"
That's it? Okay, what was the big deal in a pre nup.
"He said its protection in case something happens in the future"
Something happens meaning if we get divorced and protection meaning protection for them and their money actually.
"Everyone expects us to crash and burn, Even our parents who brought us together, they're expecting our marriage to fail but of course not before they get what they want out of it" he sighed and hung his head.
"Don't think about it like that, just sign it, I'll sign it and send it back, it doesn't mean anything" I said trying to helpful.
I could see his point, it wasn't nice to feel that kind of pressure on a marriage like ours which was in the stages of building a foundation.
"Great marriages don't begin with contracts Amani"
"Great marriages don't exist at all" I countered "and ours has already begun"
He held my hands tighter and lifted them to his lips where he planted a very chase kiss that sent warmth all over my body. Ali was affectionate as I could tell but it was usually side hugs and brushing by 'mistake', this felt like new territory, or testing the waters, weirdly I liked it.
"Just seeing those papers put me in a terrible mood" he sighed.
" Next time how about you talk to me instead of going ghost mode on me"
He laughed a light hearty laugh, "I definitely will"
the silence that followed wasn't an awkward silence that we were used to, it was a silence filled with some kind of thick tension, I found myself relaxing into Ali until I lay my head on his shoulder for some reason that I didn't know, but I wasn't thinking in that moment, I was more of feeling. He put his hands around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him as I relished in his scent.
"We won't crash and burn" I whispered concentrating on the circles he was drawing on my elbow.
He replied by placing a kiss on my head.
Now this moment I never wanted to end.
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Hello, Hello, Hello.
So what do we think?
Our love birds are getting along in new territory, huh? Huh? 😂
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I love you for reading 💖💖