{Gerard's POV}
"You're doing well, Gerard. Just another two pounds to go. Then you can go home."
I nodded, vaguely taking in what she was saying.
"That's a good thing you know."
I looked up at her.
She was smiling at me.
I merely shrugged which caused her to frown.
"Do you not want to go home?"
"Of course I do. I just..."
I stayed quiet.
"You can tell me, Gerard. After all, I'm here to help."
Since when did therapy help?
It had definitely never helped me before that's for sure.
I took a deep breath before speaking again, "I guess I just feel empty. I feel like a failure."
"Why?" She jotted something down on the clipboard in her hands.
I looked at my feet again.
"Eating makes me a failure. I don't want to be a failure."
"I see," She nodded.
I looked back down.
"We need to understand why this is, Gerard. Eating is a perfectly normal thing. You need to do it to survive. I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do about that."
See what I mean?
Therapy's a complete waste of time.
"The only person that can help you, is you. Of course you can get lots of support from the hospital and your family and friends. But until you want to recover and are determined to, nothing can be done."
Okay...
I kind of understood what she meant.
"Do you want to recover, Gerard?" She stared me down.
"I... I don't know."
That part was true.
I wasn't sure I wanted to try and get better.
I mean, this had been my way of life for so long.
Anything different felt strange.
"I would say, is there anyone you'd like to recover for? But, the only person you can really recover for is yourself."
I'd never thought of it like that before.
"After all, there's no point getting better just to get bad again."
"I guess..."
She had a point.
I was just kidding myself getting better.
If I didn't really want to, I would most probably turn to old habits.
"Why did you agree to come here? To come to the hospital?"
"I didn't really have any choice," I muttered.
Instead of writing that down, she shook her head and said, "I don't think that's the reason you agreed. Think hard. What was the reason?"
I was quiet for a moment before replying, "I um... I guess... I was just tired of being fucked up. I want to be normal. Happy."
I hadn't actually realised this before.
It kind of surprised me that it had taken me this long to admit it.
"What's your definition of normal, Gerard?" She pressed on, pen at the ready.
This question didn't take too much thought.
"Just a normal seventeen year old guy that doesn't care about his weight. A guy that doesn't have suicidal thoughts and cut himself until he's numb. Just a guy that enjoys hanging out with his friends and can focus at school. A happy guy. A guy that isn't like me."
She wrote something down.
"I... I just don't want to be a burden on my Mom and brother. I want to be strong for my boyfriend. I don't want to push anyone away anymore," I whimpered, tears pricking in my eyes.
"I can assure you that you're not a burden," She sympathised, "I spoke to your family during their last visit. Your Mom loves you a lot and will do anything it takes to help you. If your boyfriend really loved you, he would be there for you as much as you are for him."
I blushed a little at hearing this.
No one had mentioned love before.
"He... He is. He's always there," I said.
"Then him being there should make you as strong as you want to be."
I thought about this.
"I don't feel strong," I admitted.
She smiled at me.
"You're most definitely strong, Gerard. You're here aren't you? You accepted help. You admitted you weren't well. You want help. That shows strength. You've ignored your instincts and have tried very hard. You're doing marvellously! Just keep up the good work when you go home. You'll never be alone in this. The hospital is always here and of course you have your Mom and the rest of your family. Not to mention, your boyfriend."
I nodded.
I did have my Mom
She was there to help.
And I had Ray and Mikey.
I knew they would never abandon me.
And Frank.
Would Frank always be there?
He said he would but I couldn't stop that little voice eating away at me, saying he didn't really like me.
That would have to be something to work on.
"We'll set up a meal plan for you so don't worry about what foods to eat. Just follow it. Everything will be fine," She smiled.
I nodded again.
"Okay."
She glanced up at the big clock on the wall and then at her own watch.
She obviously didn't trust the wall clock.
"Looks like our session is over."
I stood up and said, "Thanks... For everything."
"That's okay," She grinned, "Just try and stay positive!"
I smiled a small smile back before leaving the room.
That session had given me a bit more hope.
Maybe one day I could be normal.
Maybe I could be happy.
My mind led to Frank.
Frank made me happy.
I missed him.
That made me think about something the therapist had said.
She had said that if Frank loved me, he would be there for me.
But did Frank love me?
I kind of found that hard to believe.
Love...
I hadn't really thought of love before.
Did I love Frank?
I wasn't really sure.
Wasn't that the point of love?
That you knew it.
Maybe.
I couldn't really tell.
I hadn't seen Frank since they had last visited.
And that was more than two weeks ago.
Only my Mom and Mikey had visited me last time for a one-off family therapy session.
It was a little awkward but I finally told my mom how I was feeling.
She cried of course and hugged me.
She called herself a bad mom for not realising how I had felt.
I told her that it was my fault.
I was the one that had pushed her out.
So yeah, the therapist said all her shit and we left with sad smiles.
I hated that Frank couldn't have come.
I really could have done with one of his hugs.
Well, if I kept eating like I was, Jackie said I could probably leave in the next few days.
I couldn't wait.
I could see Frank again!
Maybe... Maybe I did love him.
I guess I would know when I saw him.
Let's hope that would be soon.
---
So it looks like chapters mights take longer now because I'm back at school.
I'm pretty annoyed about that.
All I want to do at school is write and it's already getting fucking annoying.
Grrr
Plus, I'm so tired all the time now.
School really takes it out of me.
When I get home, I practically collapse.
So yeah finding time to write when I'm not half dead is hard
-_-
Anyway, hope you liked this chapter.
Next one will be up hopefully by Saturday at the latest.
Fingers crossed!
-Beth :3