~~S H A P E O F M E~~
I had to tell her. No amount of self-forgiveness, self-assurance or self-justification could cleanse me from the stain that made me feel like I had a dirty big secret every time I looked or tried to look Mami in the face. It was hard to meet her eyes each time I talked to her and although it shouldn't make much sense, I somehow knew she noticed; she noticed but chose not to say anything.
This was one of the motivating factors that pushed me to pull open her room door and spill the few words that were foremost on my mind before I lost all courage to find them out.
"Mami we need to talk." I said to the woman whom I shared the same diamond shaped face, narrow bridged nose and full lips with. Most of the time, we were mistaken for sisters as a result of our striking resemblance. Our faces were almost identical except that hers had lines that had been weathered by the storms of life while mine remained naive, touched with only the plague of skin breakouts.
I found my body trembling as I took in her straight back and taut shoulders while she sat on the chair next to her dresser. Her room was the only one in the house with an actual dresser and mirror which had both been my source of envy for a long time. Now, it didn't seem to matter anymore.
Before Mami turned to me, I noticed she hadn't been doing her makeup or anything else. She had been quiet and alone which only meant one thing. What was she thinking about this time?
It took some time, but she finally graced the room with her rich, medium toned voice like mine. "I know." She said softly and I choked on my own breath, struggling to draw in fresh air. The confidence I had managed to gather rushed out like air escaping from a leaking balloon. I felt empty and exposed. So much for my mountain of courage.
"You know?" By this time, my voice was barely audible. It felt like my voice box had chosen to fail and go into sudden retirement without my permission.
"Yes. I know. Let's talk Tope. Tell me all you want to and I'll also tell you mine because I have a lot to get off my chest." She said and I nodded while taking perch on the edge of her bed, safely far away from her(just in case her hand decided to try to strike me upside down out of habit).
I took in a deep cleansing breath, steadying my shaky hands and readying my legs to run out of arms reach. "Mami I'm not a virgin." I blurted out while refusing to think twice about my words.
"I know."
"W...what?" I sputtered once again, stunned into surprise by my mother. It seemed like her goal was to shock me deep into silence and so far her plan was working.
"I know Tope." She said again, wiping her hands on thick thighs that were covered in jean trousers. I noticed then again–without paying much attention–how similar we were.
"You know?"
"Why do you think I invited him to the house that day?"
"I thought you just wanted to threaten the both of us."
"Yes that was a reason, but I also wanted to know who you had given it to. I assumed you were no longer a virgin long before then. I just needed to see him."
"I was still a virgin then, but I lost it on that same day." I whimpered.
"That means I was right."
"You sound like a white mum." I wrinkled my nose in disbelief at Mami's reaction to her dis-virgined daughter. It was almost unbelievable that my skin had remained untouched even after all the rubbish that had spewed out of my mouth in a rushed waterfall.
Beforehand I had expected the worst beatings of my life, but she didn't even seem to be be angry. Somehow her calmness felt more unnerving.
"Maybe." She laughed softly. "I know what you expected from me. You thought I would slap and beat and almost kill you abi?"
"In a way yes." I admitted.
"But why would I?" She sighed tiredly. "I only do all of that sometimes to try and keep you on the right path and although I spent years outside Nigeria, I am still an African mother. I still have to show you who is in charge when you fall out of line. Moreover you don't know how boring your life would be if African parents weren't like this."
I snorted at her remark in disagreement. "Maybe."
"But now, I can't beat you or try to make you feel bad because you told me the truth and that is one thing I always want from you. If I lay my hands on you now, it will discourage you from coming to tell me other things like this."
"Moreover I wasn't any better than you when I was your age. In fact, you are a way more obedient daughter than I ever was and I'm proud of you for that. I was a rebel and a disappointment to my mother. Going astray is an understatement. I had my first real boyfriend at eleven, my first kiss at twelve and lost my virginity at age fifteen."
"Mami!" I half yelled. "Wow..."
"I know."
"Was dad your first?"
"No." She muttered in a way I thought sounded shameful. "He was my second."
"I miss him." I whispered sadly. I wished I had time with my actual father before he passed away. I only knew him from Mami and Tunde's stories and it sometimes made me wonder how if my stories would had been different if I knew him.
"Me too my love. So is there anything else you want me to know?"
"Not exactly." I replied too quickly as she rose a bushy eyebrow at me. "That's what I wanted to talk about Mami." I asserted firmly. No one had to know about my sex video especially when I was trying to get over it after I made sure it was taken down by reporting it severally.
"I'm glad you told me Temitope." She said my name in full and I cringed in my soul. "It is good to realise our mistakes, and when we do so, we should take responsibility for them and ask for the Lord's forgiveness."
"Always remember that when we read God's word the devil fumbles, when we get on our knees, we see him tremble and dear Lord when we call upon the name of Jesus, all of Satan's plans crumble. What else is greater than that?"
"Nothing." I answered sincerely. I felt like a load had been lifted off my chest since confessing to her and asking God for forgiveness. It was like I was finally at peace. True peace.
"Hold right unto Him Tope. Don't let go. Let Him guide you. He sees the way, He knows the way, He is the way."
"Yes Mami."
"A life without Him is meaningless, filled with pain and misery. Stay on the right path my dear. I don't want any of my children to derail like I did. Be mindful of what you do and put it at the back of your mind that every action has a result. Positive or negative."
"Yes Mami." I had expected and was prepared for her long speech.
"We will do a medical checkup soon to make sure you didn't contract any of those flying sexual diseases. By the way, where is the boy that you went maga over? The Malik of a child."
"He cheated on me with another girl."
"He did? Mogbe. He better stay inside his house forever because when I set my eyes on him, he will regret the day he was born in this world."
"Mami it's not that serious." I giggled at her extraness but then remembered something important. "Mami what is the thing that you wanted to tell me?"
She sighed for the umpteenth time today and I shifted in my seat, ready to hear bad news. "It is a long story Tope, but I want you to promise me that you will listen and reason with a mature mind and view. I want you to understand my reason for what I did."
"Mami please what is it? You are scaring me."
"We are moving to Toronto this year before your grade 12."
"But why?" I asked even though the idea was overly pleasing to me. I would be away from Sherrandah and her minions and there was nothing more agreeably delightful than that.
"Your stepfather and I are getting a divorce."
"A divorce?" I asked, sounding way too un-bothered than I was supposed to.
"Yes. I have my reasons Tope. Things weren't working out. He was trying to put a divide between us all and I couldn't stand for it. We are a full group, if he cannot deal with all of us, then he has to let us all go."
"Mami you don't have to explain to me. It's Titi who is gonna be most hurt. Out of all of us, it's her that has him as her biological father. I wonder how she's going to feel when she finds out."
"I already know." A quiet voice spoke from the door and in came Titi.
"Titi." Mami gasped audibly. "Come here." She carried her and placed her in her laps. "How did you know baby?" I noted the shake in Mami's voice and reached out to give her hand a squeeze.
"I heard you telling Tunde yesterday." She sniffed.
"Oh why didn't you tell me then?" Mami sounded exhausted and I couldn't blame her.
"I didn't know what to tell you." Titi sniffled again and my heart hurt with a feeling mirroring shards of glasses being pressed into flesh.
"Oh my child." Mami pressed Titi's head against her swollen chest. "Everything is gonna be okay."
"Okay." Titi said quietly. "So are we not going to have a dad anymore?"
"Somewhat." Mami murmured as she met my eyes. I gave her an assuring nod.
"Mami I want some ice cream."
"Okay baby."
"So spoilt." I hid a smile as I pretended to roll my eyes at Titi.
"You're no better than me." She stuck her tongue out at me.
Holding her hand in mine, I sighed. "I know."
•
Shape of me is coming to an end soon loves. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter💛💛