~~S H A P E O F M E~~
Never had I ever felt this miserable. There was no word for the ache I felt in my chest; the sharp twitching stabs that cut through my feelings like meat being butchered at the butcher's shop. I felt the agony no matter what I did. It was there when I sat, when I stood, when I ate, when I prayed, when I dreamt. Whatever I did, the pain had a way of slipping in to remind me of him.
It was tiring.
I was exhausted and weary. The repeating cycle was so jarring that somehow I had fallen ill. My body had shamefully though not purposefully proven that it could not stand the test of time spent away from Malik.
A week had slowly waned past since I put an end to our sexual encounters and it felt like I had also put an end to our relationship too. Malik had neither called nor texted me and when I was drunk from loneliness and tried to pitifully do so myself, his number was 'not reachable'.
Somehow it was understandable, but then again it bugged me to think that Malik would avoid every form of contact with me just because I refused to have sex anymore. Was that all our relationship was about? Sex? The thought of him not truly loving me made me want to be sad, cry and be angry at the same time.
I was in an emotional mess, a wreck actually and the cause could only be traced back to my boyfriend who I wasn't even sure was still my boyfriend. I wasn't sure of anything about us anymore. In fact, our relationship would perfectly fit the description of 'complicated' in all aspects of itself.
Each day that passed without him drove me almost crazy with sadness, and made sure to bathe me in an overflowing spring of self doubt and hate. It brought back memories me of all the times I had spent depressed and glum while finding distaste in every fold and stretch mark on my body.
Words of regret vibrated through the walls of my body, reminding me of what I had always feared—'I was never good enough for him'. It was true. I couldn't lie to myself about the glaring fact that I had tried so hard to ignore in our relationship. I wasn't good enough for him and I could never be. It was clear I had held him back for too long. Now I had to let go.
I have to let go. I thought as I pulled out my phone from the pocket of my sweatpants to dial his number. I was in the slow and undeniably shaky process of doing so when I noticed a new message from Facebook. I didn't use Facebook anymore, but I did know the number of notifications I had and they had since stopped increasing since I hadn't been online for years.
Opening up the message box, I was hit by a rush of messages. There was one that however caught my attention. It was the most recent. 'Twelve hours ago.' I noted.
"Hi Tope, I don't know where to start from. Can we...talk?" My eyes flooded with tears as I read the username of the sender over again. It was him. Him who was once my best friend. Him who I had once trusted with every fibre of my being. Him who was the last person I let in so close–past the walls I built up–without any romantic ties.
Him, Ade.
I could remember it so clearly; the first time I realised just how different I was. The first time I saw my curves and stretch marks as disgusting. The first time I ever felt self conscious and insecure. Sometimes, I couldn't help but wonder how different I would had been if that day never happened. But it did. And it ruined my life.
Three years ago:
Today was one of the fun days at school. Instead of doing some work or trying to do something useful, we all wasted away the free period we had without regrets. It was most especially funny as Ayo and Olu–our class clowns–put their comic acts on display, making sure to amuse everyone.
I had the most fun in a long time and it made me wish we could have spares everyday. Now wouldn't that be a dream come true?
My bag popped back open missing my face by a few inches and I huffed in frustration as the zipper refused to zip up no matter how hard I pressed it down with my hands. I finally gave up and sat on it to force in my problems which were both the clothes that were actually useful and those I just couldn't let go of.
Packing was really such a bother, but it couldn't be avoided. Who knew travelling to another country would involve taking many things? Mami had even put her pots in a bag but later had to take them out as it was taking up too much space and she had learnt the custom officers would confiscate them before we got on the plane.
Mami loved travelling. She had been to the US, Canada, London, Paris and even Australia. But this was the only time she had ever talked about moving with all of us. By all of us, I met including Tunde and I. Titi was born in Canada even though Mami had brought her to Nigeria to grow up with us, and so she could go to Canada anytime she wanted. For Tunde and I, it was a big deal and a dream come true.
I was sad to be leaving my friends and all the people I knew here, but I was also happy to leave. A better future was waiting for me, and there was no way I was going to sacrifice it for anybody.
"Tope, Ade is waiting for you outside." Titi rushed into the room we all shared and I nodded at her in response, knowing my best friend must had bribed her to help him call me out.
I stood my box in a corner of the room and hurried out to meet him. Ade visiting me always accompanied different events and most especially sweet, juicy gossips.
He looked good today–my best friend–like he actually tried with his outfit. His dark complexion unapologetically contrasted the crisp, white dress shirt he had on and I wondered what detergent he used to wash it. He stood almost a foot taller than I was with a slender build and an annoyingly handsome face. I watched as he made a show of rolling up his sleeves exposing his gentle, beautiful arms. Extra as ever.
Although Ade was my best friend, he was an absolutely handsome and eligible candidate in the dating section. But for a reason unknown to yours truly, he was still single.
Like most great friendships, I first hated Ade when I met him. We fought on the first day of JSS1 and more than half of our first year in secondary school was spent hating each other. Things however changed as we had to force ourselves to find level ground when our teacher changed our seating plans and placed us together.
It was a slow process, but we ended up being compatible. We became the black sheep of the class in the eyes of our teachers; ever pranking, telling jokes and making fun of every little thing. Ade was the henchman and I was his willing and always-ready-to-learn assistant.
"Mr. Ade." I greeted him, knowing how much he hated the adjective.
"Shut up." He rolled his eyes at me, then smiled. "With your big head." He flicked my forehead with his long fingers and I yelped in pain.
"It hurts."
"That's the whole use." He sighed dramatically. "Dummy."
"Shut up." I glared at him, still rubbing the sore spot on my head.
"We need to talk." His expression turned serious and I wondered what about.
We ended up talking about me leaving and how it was going to hurt him. I tried explaining to him how hurt I was also going to be, but he didn't seem to get it as he was convinced I was going to forget him as soon as I got to Canada. I noted how angry he seemed about the thought of me getting a white boyfriend, but didn't really worry much about it.
Ade was really overprotective sometimes and I understood his skepticism. I however wished he would believe me. I couldn't forget him even if I tried to. He was my padi, my own personal person.
Soon it was time for Ade to leave and me to go back into the house before Mami found out I had been out for long. My heart ached at the thought that I might never see him again. I knew he would miss me too, but then it felt like I would be the one to miss him more.
"I'll miss you." I whispered, my words drifting away on the soft wind that blew. They seemed like empty bubbles floating aimlessly; for no matter what I said, I couldn't fill the vacuum that was deepening between us.
Ade said nothing, but cleared his throat and looked away. I was about turning around, when he pulled me to himself and embraced me tightly. His hands roughly groped my butt and he leaned down to kiss me. I however ripped myself away from his arms and pushed him away. Shock registered on his face and mine as my hand struck his cheek.
"Why did you slap me?" His eyes widened at me.
"Because..." I was at a loss for words, but quickly pulled myself back into one piece. I wasn't the one at fault, so he had no right whatsoever to make me feel like I owed him an apology. "Why did you do that?"
"Because I could. I know I'm your best friend, but I've been thinking of doing that for the longest time now. Do you know how hard it has been for me? I've been forced to watch as all the guys you dated enjoyed your body while I couldn't."
"What?" I gaped at him wondering what was going on with the person I called my best friend. Was I missing something? "What is going on?"
"It drove me crazy because I also wanted your body." He continued like he didn't hear my question and I noticed how he only referred to my body and not me. "Why do you think guys always try to get you? Because you are pretty?"
I opened my mouth to say something, but I didn't even know what to say. Ade saved me the trouble as he answered the question himself. "Pretty my butt. All they wanted was your body. They'd do anything for a booty even if it was on a fat person with average looks."
My lip trembled as he went on ranting about everything about me that he found disgusting. What I felt was more than the word pain. I felt injured and wounded like I had been branded with a hot knife. Closing my ears with my hands, I tried to block out everything as I was unable to bear his insults and venomous uttterances. His words spurted and gushed, flooding me with bitter emotions. They were cold and icy, and they sealed me in their misery.
"Stop. It's okay." My voice broke as I pleaded with him.
"I'm sure you have disgusting stretch marks like those fat girls that weigh more than an elephant. It's just so stupid and funny that we were ever friends. I still don't know what I was thinking." he didn't meet my eye but turned around, his back to me. "I wish I never met you." With that he was gone and out of my life.
Until now...
I didn't want to talk to him and I wasn't sure I ever wanted to. I had come so far in managing to forget him. His words that memorable day stuck to me like magnets to iron and I knew I could never forget them. Him however, I could forget.
My hands were still and confident as I tapped on the profile and scrolled down to the button I needed. Blocked.
An Instagram notification came up almost immediately, but it wasn't from my estranged friend. It was an unexpected reach out from Jay_King.
"Just break up with him."
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