(Trigger Warning)
Eren had gone home that day questioning his sanity. What the hell had his life become? Falling in love with a teacher, living on his own, and being a total fuck up.
He had been pretty happy that day, but... he found that the happiness was false. He felt like a balloon, deflating slowly.
He just had to fall in love with Levi.
And it wasn't Levi being the one he loved that irritated him. What irritated him was that he didn't deserve to feel love.
"He would be better off with that blonde... She's so much better than me... I shouldn't have yelled at her... I shouldn't have chased her away from Levi... And Armin..." Eren flinched, the memories of the confession returning to him. "Armin... All I'm doing is hurting him... I shouldn't have turned him down. I shouldn't exist in the first place..."
He just couldn't do this. His sister left. It was his fault his mother died that night. Hewas being selfish with Levi. He was hurting Armin so badly... He was failing half his classes... What was he supposed to do?
He just sat on the edge of his bed, his head held low and his hair covering his face. He choked back tears.
You know that feeling you get when you know you can't handle anything? It's like you have been sitting in a pool calmly and happily, totally used to things, when suddenly a huge wave crashes down and it's like you're sinking into impossible tasks. You just sit there and all the sudden you can't breathe and you can't think about anything other than how fucked up everything is and you just know you can't fix it and there's nothing left to do. There's nothing left to aim for. You're pushing through obstacles and you realize- there is nothing beyond this. I just keep running and pushing and trying and suffereing, praying for a solution, praying for happiness, but I now know- there is nothing there. it's like chasing after a rainbow. It's like trying to find the edge of the Earth. It's not there. It never was there. It doesn't exist and everything is meaningless and you know that you cannot do anything about it but cry like the helpless fuck you are.
Eren bit his lip until it was nearly bleeding, and his eyes stung with tears threatening to fall, but he kept his eyes squeezed shut. "No." He choked out, his voice nothing more than a faint whisper. "No no no no no!" He found himself yelling louder and louder. "WHY ME! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!" Eren screamed at the top of his lungs, and one tear after another fell from his eyes, landing onto the floor. The tears fell faster and faster, stinging more and more as Eren made choked sobbing sounds, like a dying, helpless animal.
That's what Eren had been reduced to.
A fucking dying, helpless animal with no control over his life, no control over his enviorment, no control over his mind, and no control over his emotions.
"Please... Help me..." He sobbed, pulling his hair. "Help me... Help me... Help me... I can't do this..."
Eren opened his eyes and looked at his hand.
There were marks on his hand. He remembered making them very well.
Shortly after his mother had died and Mikasa had left, he hit rock bottom.
He avoided Armin, he never left his room, he barely ate and he barely slept. All he did was cry, and cry, and scream and scream until his throat was raw and he had no tears left to cry.
One day, a week into his depressing mental breakdown, Mikasa called.
Eren didn't want to answer the phone. He tried to ignore it, but she just kept calling and calling.
Eventually, he picked up the phone.
"Eren, you're a fucking idiot!" Mikasa had screamed at him. "Armin is worried sick. He stays outside of your apartment and he cand hear your wretched screams! Pull yourself together you dumb fuck. You're weak. You killed her. So stop making other people miserable and quit screaming and crying like a baby!" Before Eren even said a word, Mikasa hung up.
And, after that, instead of screaming, Eren bit into the side of his hand as hard as he could, until it was bleeding. He did that for quite a while... It made things worse, honestly, but... He just didn't care at that point.
He eventually stopped thought, because Armin was getting angry and worried, so he temporarily moved in with Eren to stop him from harming himself anymore.
After Armin moved out, Eren contemplated suicide, but he just- couldn't do it.
And there he was, so many years later, still being a piece of weak shit.
"I... I..." Eren stuttered, looking at the faint scars on his hand. As every single memory flashed through his head, he felt another scream coming on.
"Don't..." he doubled over, his heart racing as anger, frustration and despair built up inside of him. He felt as if his chest would explode... It hurt so bad. And his lungs wouldn't work, his chest got tighter and tighter as he hyperventilated, hugging himself tightly. The bed creaked below him as he shook, and the light blue walls of his room seemed to be mocking him, closing in on him.
"No..." He cried out, clutching himself. Why didn't his life make sense anymore? He couldn't handle it. He was too weak.
Too weak to live, too afraid to die.
Eren found himself looking at his hand as all the emotions bubbled up inside of him, threatening to explode.
"No... No..." He saw Levi's face, and he could just picture him with Petra, and he saw Armin, smiling, and then he saw Armin crying, but trying to hide his emotions, like usual... The images were like a stab to his chest. Holy shit, it hurt so much more than any physical pain. And then Mikasa and mom, happy together, and his mom would still be alive and Mikasa would be happy... If only...
"Why can't I just turn back time..." He knew it wasn't possible. He would have to live with all this bullshit haunting him for the rest of his life...
However long his life would last
Mikasa... Mom... Levi... Armin... Mom... Levi... I'm so sorry Armin..." Eren managed to sob, his breath catching in his throat.
Damn everything.
He couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
It wasn't even a tunnel anymore.
It was quicksand, and he managed to get halfway out for the past few years but...
It was back.
Nothing was okay anymore.
He was being swallowed in pain. He was being dragged down by despair.
His only anchors were better off without him.
Eren... He was hopeless.
Thoughts of the people he left behind and the things he had done swirled through his head. He imagined Levi happy with someone else, Armin leaving him... and he knew his mother probably hated him, wherever she was.
He felt a scream beginning to escape his lips. Instictively, he squeezed his eyes shut and lifted his hand to his face.
Just as he began to exhale, he bit down on his hand, hard, drawing blood.
Pain shot up his arm, and he could taste the blood in his mouth.
"N-no..." He stuttered through the pain, putting pressure on his hand. "Not again... Not again... No..."
He collapsed backwards, sobbing, curled in a ball on top of the covers on his bed.
Eren clutched his left hand to his chest, the blood staining his white shirt.
"I'm so sorry..." He whispered, squeezing his eyes shut as hard as he possibly could.
"I... Failed all of you."
__________________
Author note- oh my god please don't hate me I'm sorry....
IM SORRY ITS SO DEPRESSING :~:
I think writing this chapter almost made me cry
EREN IM SORRY BBY
Sorry for not updating! I'll try to be better about that.
~Volume Struck
PLEASE READ BELOW
Guys, Uh, this is really sad but it's important, even if you aren't involved in the k-pop community, so I decided to include it here. on September 3rd, Members of a rising k pop girl group known as Ladies Code were in a fatal car accident. I don't think I am a reliable scource of information on that (I'm having trouble keeping up with everything that's happening) So, please, google them and find out. All I know is one of them, EunB passed away. RIP EunB. The other two, as far as I know, are in very critical conditon. Please support them as they go through this rough time. I hope the k pop community can come together to get through this and honor her memory and support them.