"No matter what we're facing it don't matter. 'Cause the reason that I'm here, is the same through all these years. Not changing anything at all." - Every Night, Imagine Dragons
Liam had left an hour later when I had reassured him multiple times that I was okay. There had laid a minute amount of tension between us still as we stood facing each other in the silhouette of my doorway, the moonlight running through my windows to highlight the contours of his face. I knew from here on out that things would be different between us. We could never return to our normal state of familiarity with each other, no matter how many “I need yous” would be exchanged.
That night I fell asleep restlessly. Waking up every hour to stare at my ceiling and think about how we weren't starting this “being friends” with complete honesty. And that was my fault.
I needed to take action in the right direction.
Then next morning, I packed a small bag and caught a bus to Wolverhampton, the town where I had grown up. It would have been more expensive if I had taken a taxi, but sitting in the cold plastic bus seats for three hours made me feel that the overpriced fare would have been worth it.
We passed through the city limits and I felt the rise of familiarity overcome me as I gazed out onto the streets that stretched across. There was my school, there was my favorite restaurant, there was the place all of the cool kids would hang out on the weekends. Studying a park bench, I remembered Liam and I sitting exactly there as his soothing words calmed my sobbing posture after my first break up.
This town held too many memories.
My house came into view as I placed one foot in front of the other down the sidewalk, counting the number of cracks I walked over. The wooden porch and swaying swing taking my breath away even after all these years.
My mother's face was priceless as she opened the door to my short knocks. Her short blonde hair pinned away from her face and her morning robe still loosely woven around her petite frame.
“Julia!” she exclaimed before a smile caught its way onto her lips pushing her face into one of excitement before she pulled my shoulders to her, wrapping me in such a familiar warm embrace. She still smelled like coffee and cinnamon, just like when I was younger.
“I wasn't expecting you, love,” she told me, pulling me through the door frame and closing the door behind behind her. I could smell the aroma of breakfast in the air and I suddenly missed her hot tea and biscuits.
“I-” I broke off, not exactly sure what to say. There was so much that had happened in the short time I haven't spoken to her. What was I supposed to do? “I, um, just felt like I needed to talk.”
Her eyes narrowed and I felt the way they evaluated me under her gaze. She was always so good at reading me, being able to tell when I was upset or hiding a teenager secret. This was a bit different though and I could tell that she knew it as well as she led me into living room, gesturing for me to take a seat on the patterned sofa.
“Let me get you some tea, dear.” She nodded. “Stay right here.”
I sighed a breath of relief. That was exactly what I needed right now.
When she passed the steaming cup into my hand, the sweet smell of it having already been given sugar warmed my heart. My poor mother who had no idea the damage that I had done.
“What's going on, Julia?” she whispered, her arm balancing on the back of the couch as she faced me, her legs being pulled up beside her.
“Mum...” I murmured, my eyes falling to my lap. “where do I even start?”
She pursed her lips. “How about we start from the beginning?”
I nodded. “That's where it gets a bit complicated, you see.”
There was nothing more shameful than telling your own mother you were pregnant. I honestly didn't want to say it but I knew there was no way I could get through it without her help. I didn't know what doctors to go to, which home remedies would work. I didn't know how to raise a child. I was completely immature and helpless and was realizing that I was finally at the end of myself- I just needed my mum.
I sniffed and felt a tear run down the side of my cheek being set loose from the corner of my eye.
“Mum, I'm pregnant,” I whispered and it rode out the words with a soft sob. I was trying to not fall apart.
I was too ashamed to look up at her, afraid to find judgment or disgust in her blue eyes that mocked the same color as mine. It would be too much to bear. That was until I felt her thumb brush under my cheek bone, catching the single water streak that had been released.
“Come here, my darling,” she finally breathed and that was it. That was all it took for me to fall forward into her arms and relish the feeling of being held as I let every piece of myself heave in exhaustion. “It is quite alright to cry, let it all out and then we will talk.”
She had always been good at being the calm individual in the family. Her words being the peaceful mediation when my dad would yell at me for coming in late or for wondering why I wasn't with Liam when I had said I would be. I had such a good mother and I had neglected that for so long- how was I going to be able to amount to the woman holding me together right now?
“Are you positive?” she asked me when my sobbing had died down and I laid limp in her strong arms.
I nodded against her, my head tucked neatly in the space between her collarbone and chin. “I took multiple tests...” I whispered. “and I've been very sick lately.”
“Do you know who the father is?”
That was the question I didn't want to answer. My mother was in the social loop with Liam's mum so she was certainly aware of the fact that he was most definitely getting married in the matter of mere months. There was no way that I could tell her that I had slept with my best friend and potentially ruined out future relationship and most likely his soon to be marriage. I didn't want to be seen as that low even though I was surely feeling that way.
“Yes,” I mumbled. “I know who the father is.”
She didn't push me any further for the moment, but I knew her patience of me avoiding that answer would soon grow to an end. Eventually I would have to tell everyone and I dreaded that with everything inside of me.
I drank the tea, wishing desperately that it would solve all my problems like it healed the common cold. My mother and I talked more and I felt the weight slightly shift on my shoulders as if it was ready to be lifted. Letting someone else know besides Zayn was one step further to where I needed to be.
My mum told me of a local doctor here in Wolverhampton that she had went to when she was pregnant with me. It was a very close friend of a friend that would keep everything confidential.. I called shortly after lunch and was lucky enough to schedule an appointment for the next day.
“Do you want to stay the night and I'll go with you in the morning?” she asked me when I had finished setting my plate in the sink.
I nodded. “That would be nice, thank you.” I gave her a small smile, letting her know that I appreciated everything she was doing for me.
That night I laid in my old childhood bedroom, memories pulling at my heart strings as I glanced briefly at all the pictures taped lazily on my walls. My first dance, my beach trip with Liam, a birthday party, Halloween. My chest ached suddenly when my eyes gazed over a photograph of Liam and I before he went into his second X Factor audition. His hair was long then, straight and light brown but his smile still radiant and his irises still dancing. He had both arms around me, his chin completely missing the top of mine by inches as he had pulled me into his chest. I had been so excited for him that day, I knew that they would have to take him back. There was no way they could listen to Liam Payne and turn away as if they had not experienced pure talent from such a humble human being.
I swallowed and looked away. He didn't deserve for me to do this to his life.
My eyes had started to drift close when I heard the vibrating of my phone going off on the bedside table. My vision clearing when I saw the caller ID reading Zayn Malik.
“Hello?” I asked, my voice still groggy.
“Julia,” he stated, as if acknowledging my presence. “how are you?”
I sat up on my elbow, officially awake now. “Fine...” I answered, wondering what it was that he had called me for. “is everything alright?” Something must have happened to Liam.
“Yeah,” he breathed, allowing me to sigh in relief with him. “I called to asked you the same thing. Liam says you two are officially trying this friend thing?”
I pursed my lips. “Yeah, we are,” I mumbled. “I don't know how long that's going to last though.”
“So, I assume you haven't told him?” he asked. “He most likely would have told me if he knew.”
“No, not yet... It was all of a sudden and he wanted to be friends again with honesty and I just didn't have the heart to tell him... I just couldn't do it.” I laid back down on my back, my free hand falling limp by head. “I'm at my mother's house for the night, I have a doctor's appointment in the morning. I'm trying to take steps in the right direction and telling Liam is next on my list.”
He let out a long breath. “Just remember that the longer you procrastinate telling him, the more hurt he's going to be. He's going to need time to sort out everything with Danielle and the wedding and Modest!. They aren't going to want something like this leaking into the press.”
The breath immediately left my lungs. “I- I don't want to ruin his career...”
“Julia,” he interrupted my upcoming words with a stern voice, his accent blending the letters together like a mosaic. “this isn't your fault alone. Stop blaming this on yourself. Stop acting like this was all your doing when it was as much as Liam's as well.”
I took a deep breath, nodding even though he couldn't see me.
“You need to have yourself put together when you tell him, okay?” he continued talking, taking my silence as acceptance. “He's going to need you to be strong for the him when he finds out. He won't be able to handle it alone.”
“Okay,” I whimpered, swallowing back my pride.
“Get some rest now.” His voice had dropped lower, as if trying to convince me that I needed sleep. “God knows you need it.”
***
I sat in the creaky plastic chair in the waiting room, surrounded by the swollen bellies of women around me. My mother perched next to me, her calm posture winding up my nerves even more. She was being so supportive that it ripped my hear to shreds.
“Julia,” a nurse called as she stepped through the doorway and I felt all the eyes of everyone around me land onto my rising figure.
Gingerly, I stood up and followed her into the hallway, my mum's shoes clapping behind us. The nurse politely weighed me on a scale and continued to taking blood. She led me to a separate room where I sat down on the tensely on the plastic covered bed.
After a series of blood pressure examines and a few questions, she left to allow the doctor in.
We sat in the quite for a few moments before the sound of my phone ringing pulled me from my reverie. Of course, I sighed, it was Liam.
“Hi,” answered tensely, trying to loosen the strings in my voice, knowing all too well he could read me like an open book.
“Hey, Jules,” he greeted, curiosity leaking into his voice. “I was just waiting to go in for a performance in London. Thought I'd give you a call.”
I nodded. “Thanks, I didn't know you were performing today.”
My mother's eyes widened in realization that I was talking to Liam and a small smile crept onto her lips.
“Yeah, it was kind of sudden for all of us.” He let out a breathy chuckle and I could just imagine his hand running through his hair.
“What are you doing?”
My heart dropped at the question and I pushed at every bone in my body not to pull another lie into this relationship. “I'm at the doctor's in Wolverhampton,” I mumbled, he didn't have to know what kind of doctor.
“You went all the way there for a doctor's appointment?” he asked as if he was surprised. “Is everything all right? Are you okay?” I could psychically feel his worry seeping through my cellphone.
“No! I'm fine, Liam. Everything's alright,” I assured him. It was further from the truth, but I couldn't say that or he would strangle himself with worry.
He let out a breath. “Alright. Just let me know if anything isn't.” There was a shuffling around on the other end. “You need to tell your doctor about the panic attacks you've been having.” His voice was lower now as if he didn't want people overhearing.
I pulled my lips into my mouth. “Yeah, I forgot about that. It's not a big deal, though.”
“Jules!” His voice was reprimanding. “Of course it's a big deal. What would have happened if I hadn't showed up?”
I sighed, dragging my hand down my face. “I don't know,” I murmured.
Right then the door opened and an older lady with a lab coat strolled in, her iPad resting in her hand. “How are we doing today?” she asked.
“Liam, I have to go, I'll call you later,” I told him.
After he had hung up, I looked expectantly into the bright eyes of the doctor. Her gray hair touching her shoulders and her wrinkled, kind eyes giving me a simple smile.
“So, we're five weeks, yeah?” she asked, sitting on the stool in front of me and crossing her legs.
I nodded.
Her short hair swished around her as she nodded at my confirmation. “Hello,” she introduced, sticking her hand out for me to shake. “I'm Dr. Kelly and I'll be your physician for your entire nine months of pregnancy. Nice to meet you two.”
After briefly shaking her hand, my mother spoke before I could introduce myself, “I'm Linda and this is my daughter, Julia.”
She smiled and proceeded to ask the standardized questions, making notes on her iPad in front of her. I attempted to answer all that I could, feeling like the most irresponsible person in the world for not realizing that I could have been pregnant until I was four weeks along.
“Do you have any asthma?” she asked. “Or any form of anxiety problem?”
My immediate response was about to be no before I stopped myself, thinking of the precious panic attacks that I had experienced. “I- um- actually have had two panic attacks in the past month,” I told her.
My mum's head whipped around to look at me, her lips parted in astonish.
Dr. Kelly's eyebrows drew together as she observed me. “Can you describe these for me, love?”
I took a deep breath, thinking of the drowning feeling I had gone through, the sense of suffocation and closing in walls. “I felt as if there was a weight on my chest and I couldn't actually see what was in front of me, it was all just blank.”
“How long did this last?” she asked, her pen scribbling away.
I pursed my lips, trying to push myself back to that first night when Liam had found me in my room. “Ten or fifteen minutes, about thirty until I was perfectly okay.”
“Why didn't you tell me?” my mum interrupted, her eyes shinning like moons with worry.
Averting my gaze to my lap, I said, “Liam was there for both of them and his worry would have been enough for the both of you. I didn't think it was that serious.”
“Well,” the doctor interrupted. “it might have not been that big of a deal before, but now that you are with a child it can be a lot more dangerous. What if you fall during a panic attack? Or pass out? Stop breathing? These are all of a sudden risks that you have to be aware of.”
I nodded, feeling shameful.
“I'm going to prescribe you a small dosage of anxiety medicine along with some prenatal vitamins. Take this every night and it should help with the panicking feeling you experience before escalating into a panic attack.”
She went over more rules with me, setting up when ultra sounds would be and the time line of the next few months. How my body would be changing and what I should expect from hormones or sleeping behavior. It was so much to take in I could feel the stress in my chest as I tried to remember what the last thing she had said was when she started a new topic.
“I also recommend to stay away from seafood,” she continued. “just because of the possible bacteria that could be inside of it can sometimes be harmful for the baby.” She glanced down at her screen, sliding to a next page as she scanned her notes. “Also, you should know to drink no alcohol...” she mumbled as if it was a second thought.
No alcohol. Of course. I was an idiot. I knew I was pregnant and I still drank wine at the engagement party. How could I have not thought of that? I wasn't even a mother yet and I was already risking the child's health.
When the appointment ended, I was physically exhausted. There was too much to soak in and I could already feel that these next months coming up were going to be the most challenging. I was going to be a mother and I really needed to start acting like one.
"Searching to find myself, but all I find is you. I can hardly stand myself. So what am I to you? If you can find a reason, you could let me know. I won't blame you, I'll just turn and go"
A/N
I'm going to start doing songs with each chapter because I feel like it helps set the scene a bit more. Alright, alright. Thank you for reading. Don't forget to vote and comment. I'm dedicating this chapter to an author who is writing a really good fanfiction that I'm currently obsessed with, Laced by