"What do you mean you're not going to tell people why you two broke up?" Michael asked me angrily. It had been a whole two days since I broke up with Luke and I was finally over the alcohol that had still lingered in my system.
Luke had been silent, only speaking when he'd been directly spoken to. Right then he was grocery shopping with Calum and Ashton, leaving Michael and I in the house alone. We were in my art room, a small room in between the bathroom and the living room.
"I just don't think he needs that," I said thoughtfully, trying to mix the perfect colour. I'd started on a new piece as soon as Luke and I had broke up - it was the silhouette of a smooth, hilly area, the sky a mixture of dark blues. "He's obviously sorry. He obviously regrets what he did. I'm not saying people shouldn't know why we broke up, I'm just saying that I won't be the one to tell people."
"I still think you're being way too nice to him." Michael huffed. He was lying on the floor under my feet, pillows supporting the length of his body so he wasn't lying directly on the cold floorboards.
"Mikey, you need to stop that. Please, be nice to him. I need to get over this, we both do, and you treating him like shit isn't helping any of us." I hated that I sounded so harsh but it was what Michael needed to hear. He looked slightly taken aback as he stood up, pacing slightly. "Shit, I'm sorry. That was really mean. I didn't mean it like that, I-"
"No, Ricky, you're right. Luke's my best friend too, I'll talk to him later. I promise." I watched Michael with a smile, the paint brush hovering over the half-covered canvas.
"Thank you." I said seriously, pecking his cheek quickly. "I don't know if we'll ever get back together in the future, but right now we all need to be normal. Well, as normal as possible. I still need to move all my stuff into the spare room." I'd stayed in the spare room the night before, which was going to become my new room. When all my stuff was in there.
"So, when is your British friend visiting?" Michael asked lightly, changing the subject not-so-discreetly.
"You mean Zoe? Soon, hopefully," I said, painting messy brush strokes onto the canvas. "If she can get everything sorted for her and her friends, hopefully they'll fly out a week on Friday and stay until the following Friday."
"What day is it now?"
"Tuesday."
"So they're coming not this Friday, but next Friday?"
"Correct." Michael nodded his head slightly, seeming slightly indifferent to it.
"How many people is she bringing with her?" He asked curiously.
I stopped painting to concentrate on bringing back the list Zoe had sent me so I could prepare for everyone, "Off the top of my head, she said seven people; herself as one, her boyfriend Alfie, her brother Joe, and her friends Caspar, Marcus, Louise and Tyler. Caspar as in, Ashton's friend Caspar."
"But they're not all staying here, right?" Michael sounded slightly alarmed at the idea - and rightly so. Because of recent changes to the relationships in the house there was no spare room. They'd have to share beds or sleep on the couches.
"Of course not! They're staying in the hotel a few miles from here, but I think they'll all come round a couple of times, I might cook a huge meal for us all and throw a small party one night?" I pouted at Michael as he started laughing, his hands placed firmly on my shoulders.
"Ricky, you can't cook to save your life!" Michael's voice sounded joking, but we both knew he was being serious. "We'll all cook - we'll help you make a meal. Okay? At least then there's less chance of someone dying from food poisoning."
"You're so mean!" I laughed at Michael, pushing him away as I fished my phone out of a pocket. One iMessage from Zoe.
Zoe: Skype?
Erica: Of course! Give me a second, Michael's here too so you two can finally talk to each other
Zoe had skyped me after I split up with Luke, just like she said she would, and she couldn't have been more supportive. She didn't get bored when I cried for ten minutes straight in front of the laptop screen, and she went into her bedroom so no one saw me in the state I was in since both her brother and her boyfriend were in her flat at the time.
Despite us being so close, though, none of the boys had actually talked to her. I fetched my laptop from the living room and brought it back to my art room, placing it on the windowsill as I sat in front of it. "Mikey!" I pulled on his shirt and he sat down next to me as I opened Skype, watching me with a smile.
"Are you sure you don't want to talk to her alone?" Michael asked, casting a glance at the screen as Skype started to call Zoe.
"Absolutely." I said defiantly, looking up at Michael. Even sat down the height difference was still huge. "I want my best friends to know who my best friends are!"
Just as I'd finished speaking Zoe's picture came up on the screen and she smiled widely, waving like a maniac. "Ricky!"
"Zoe!" I laughed, waving back. "Zoe this is Michael, one of my bestest friends ever!" I pointed to Michael and poked his face, making him laugh at me.
"Stop it!" He chuckled in his high pitched voice before he turned to look at the laptop screen. "Hi Zoe, it's nice to meet you. Ricky hasn't stopped talking about you."
"It's nice to meet you too!" Zoe smiled, speaking sweetly. "She's been exactly the same with you! She's so excited for me to meet you all, she keeps saying how she hopes all her best friends are going to get on!"
"We can stop with embarrassing Ricky now!" I laughed, clapping a hand over Michael's mouth as he started to say something else. "So, what's up Zoe?"
"Well, I've just booked and finalised all the flights and the hotels for Australia, we're flying on Thursday night from England and we'll be there by Friday! Or we might be flying Saturday...I don't know! Either way, we'll be at the airport on Friday."
"Friday next week?" I asked, just to double check.
"Yep!"
"I'm so excited!" I squealed, grinning like an idiot. "I can't wait to meet all your friends! If they're as nice as you say they are I'm pretty sure everyone will get on well."
"That's what I've been worried about!" Zoe gasped, pushing her long brown hair behind her ears. "All of us have such big personalities, what if we all clash with you guys?!"
"I really don't think that's going to happen," Michael said confidently. It shocked me - I didn't think he'd actually say any more than what he did before. But then, he didn't have the chance to say anymore as we heard the front door fly open and three men panting. Michael laughed to himself, "You stay here," He said to me, standing up quickly. "I'll help with the groceries. It was nice talking to you, Zoe."
"You too!" Zoe waited until Michael had left the room and closed the door until she spoke again. "Ricky, that's the guy you were telling me about? The guy that's been there for you for months?"
"Well, they all have, minus Luke obviously, but yeah...Michael's the most protective, I guess."
"Why are you only friends with him?!" I laughed at Zoe's question, but she was deadly serious. "For one, he obviously cares a lot. Way more than Luke. Secondly, he's really hot. And Alfie's not here so he can't hate me for saying that."
I laughed even harder as I fought to get my words out, wiping away the odd tear that spilled out through my giggles, "Zoe! We're just friends! I don't have romantic feelings towards anyone in this house other than Luke. And Luke does care, it's just complicated right now."
Zoe looked disapproving, but didn't really say much on it. "Just be careful, okay? I care about you, and I don't want to see you getting hu-" Zoe stopped talking mid sentence as something hit her head, making her look around angrily. "Joe! What the hell was that?!"
"A marshmallow!" A strained voice said from somewhere behind Zoe. They were laughing loudly and I smiled as I heard it - it was infectious. "Dad's on the phone, he wants to talk to you."
Zoe rolled her eyes and stood up, leaning over the laptop for a second, "Can you just hang on a minute? I won't be long!"
"It's fine, I'll wait!" I pulled my phone out as Zoe disappeared from the laptop screen and started scrolling through Twitter, not really paying attention as the door to my art room opened.
"Ricky, we got chocolate milk, do you want a glass?" Ashton asked. I turned and narrowed my eyes as I saw his confused expression, looking at my laptop screen. "Michael said you were talking to Zoe..."
I turned and gasped a little as I saw someone who definitely was not Zoe. It was a guy with brown hair styled messily on top of his head and a strong jaw line. His eyes were blue and wide and he had a smile on his face.
"Uh...hi?" I said awkwardly, my tone of voice making it a question. "You must be Zoe's brother."
"Yeah, hi, I'm Joe," He smiled, also slightly awkwardly. "You're Ricky."
"Correct."
"Well it's nice to meet you, Zoe's so excited to visit you. She won't stop talking about it." Joe's smile was amazing, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to him. His accent was southern England, possibly Bath.
"I'm excited for you guys to come, too," I said brightly, flashing a quick smile. "From what Zoe's said everyone's going to get along really well-" I stopped short, noticing a pair of legs in the webcam next to me. I looked up at Ashton's shaggy blonde hair. "Ash?"
"Uh-huh?"
"You wanna sit down? Say hi?" I laughed as Ashton smiled and plunked himself down next to me on the floor, knocking me over as he shuffled around. "Ow!"
"You'll live," He said dismissively, smiling at the laptop screen. "Hey! I'm Ashton, you're Caspar's roommate? He's talked about you a lot."
"Yeah! Cas talks about you a lot, too. He's super excited to see you again," Joe looked around the room behind him and turned around apologetically. "I would put him on but I'm visiting Zoe in Brighton and Caspar's back in London."
"Nah man, it's cool," Ashton looked at me with his eyebrows raised, preparing himself to stand. "You want chocolate milk?"
"Please!" I laughed as Ashton saluted me and marched away, turning back to the laptop to talk to Joe. "How long were you sat there but before?" I asked him shyly. "Like, after Zoe left."
"Uh..." Joe shifted in his seat and smiled awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. As he did so his biceps flexed and I bit my lip, trying to control my thoughts. "Pretty much since Zoe left. I'm not a creep, I swear! I just- Zoe said you were pretty, but I didn't think you'd be this pretty! You're gorgeous."
"Wow, uhm, okay," I laughed to myself, casting my eyes to the floor as a blush creeped up my neck. "That's really flattering, thank you."
"Sorry, how old are you again?" Joe sounded more at ease, he was speaking more confidently. "Zoe did tell me but I forgot."
"I'm eighteen." I smiled - I had no idea how old Joe was. Obviously older than me, and I know he was younger than Zoe.
"You seem older than that! More mature, in a way," Joe smirked and pushed a hand through his messy brown hair. "You look older than that, too."
"Nope, I'm only eighteen!" I laughed at Joe - it was the easy to talk to him. It seemed natural. "How old are you? I know Zoe's twenty four."
"I'm twenty two, two years younger than Zoe."
The door opened again and we were interrupted by Calum that time, holding a glass of chocolate milk. "Your milky goodness," He said brightly, handing me the glass. He looked at the screen of my laptop and cocked his head to the side slightly. "Who's this?"
"This is Joe, Zoe's brother," I said, sipping at my chocolate milk. "He's visiting with Zoe. A week on Friday."
"That's going to be cool," Calum said, still stood up. Zoe then reappeared on the laptop screen next to Joe, pushing him slightly.
"He's not been harassing you, has he?" She asked, sounding partially serious. "I knew he would."
"No, Zoe, he's not been harassing me." I laughed, smiling at my best friend on the other side of the world. "The guys just came back with grocery shopping, though, so I should help them unpack. I'll talk to you later."
"Okay, I'll let you know all the details about the trip and who's coming and whatnot," Zoe smiled brightly and waved at the camera. "Speak to you soon! Bye!"
"Bye Erica!" Joe called just as Zoe ended the Skype call, making me blush slightly.
"You're blushing." Calum said, pointing at my face. "Why are you blushing?"
"It's nothing, Cal," I closed my laptop and stood up, walking out of the art room and into the kitchen. Calum didn't drop the subject.
"You don't just blush for no reason."
"Who's blushing?" Ashton asked, looking up from phone.
"Ricky is." Calum said proudly, like it was some cryptic code he'd just discovered.
"Why are you blushing?" Michael asked, stepping closer to me. Luke was watching the scene silently from the edge of the kitchen. "Calum's right. No one blushes for no reason."
"Guys it's not important," I laughed, feeling slightly awkward. Yes, Luke and I weren't together any more but I didn't want to rub anything in his face. We still loved each other. "Just leave it."
But they wouldn't leave it. Oh, no.
"Just tell us," Ashton said cheekily, poking where my cheeks were the most rosy. "We won't leave it alone until you tell us."
"Fine!" I shot one, extremely quick apologetic look at Luke before speaking again. "Zoe's incredibly attractive younger brother called be gorgeous." I looked around the now very awkward room. "I told you to leave it."
"How much younger is he?" Ashton asked lightly, knowing exactly what I was doing. I knew it was still hard for Luke, so I was trying to make it as easy as possible on him, until he got over me. Which is why I didn't want him knowing that an extremely attractive British person also thought I was extremely attractive.
"Two years." I watched with confusion as all four of the boys' eyes seemed to bulge, their mouths agape.
"He's sixteen?!" Michael nearly shouted.
"God, no! He's two years younger than Zoe," I sighed, not really wanting to talk about it. There was nothing to actually talk about. "He's twenty two."
"I don't know why you blushed so much just because he called you gorgeous," Luke grumbled, the first words out of him since he got home and it was practically an insult. "I called you gorgeous all the time."
I scoffed, biting back a laugh for Luke's sake. "That's bullshit!" I said, bordering on angry. "You called me hot. Hot. Do you know what that does to a girl, to only hear herself being called hot from the person she loves?" I stopped a second, noticing only after I'd said it that I actually said loves, not loved. I lowered my voice, trying not to start an argument. "The only time you called me beautiful or gorgeous or anything like that was when we'd had sex."
"This isn't really a conversation for now though, is it?" Michael asked, adding a half hearted laugh on the end to lighten the mood.
"No, it's not." I agreed, setting the glass I was still holding on the counter. "I'll be in the spare room...my room, if anyone needs me." I walked out silently and down to the end of the hallway where the bedrooms were, the tears falling as soon as I had the door closed behind me.
I collapsed on the bed and brought my knees up to my chest, sobbing hard. I felt like a horrible person. I'd broken up with Luke and I'd just stayed in the house and expected him to cope with me being there. It was hard enough for me because I was still completely in love with him, I couldn't have even began to imagine how he felt.
There was a knock on the bedroom door but I just ignored it - if it was important they'd come in. And they did, but they didn't say anything. I was facing away from the door so I didn't see who it was, I only felt the edge of the bed dip down as the person sat on it silently.
They hesitantly put their hand on my back; I thought it was Michael, or Calum, or Ashton so I didn't say anything, but when the timid voice spoke my name I sat up instantly, wiping the tears from my face.
"What do you want, Luke?" I asked quietly, my back pressed flat against the headboard.
"I, uh, I had no idea," He said quickly. "When we were together, I didn't know that what I said, or didn't say, upset you so much. I'm sorry."
"It's not fair of me to bring it up now," I sighed, rubbing my sore eyes. "Just forget it. Honestly, it's nothing for you to worry about now."
"Ricky-"
"Erica. Please..." Luke still hadn't gotten used to calling me Erica, and I could see it hurt him that I didn't want him calling me Ricky. But he just couldn't.
"Erica," Luke began, reaching his hand out hesitantly. I didn't flinch away as he placed his hand on my ankle, rubbing circles with his thumb. It was such a minimal gesture, but still so comforting. I was still having trouble not running straight into his arms. "You are. I promise you. You're the most beautiful person I've ever met."
"Luke!" I shouted his name just as he was about to open the door. Luke instantly turned, face alight with hope. "I'm not going to tell people what happened. Between us, I mean. I still haven't told anyone but Zoe - I've been avoiding everyone else. It's like...it's like I still can't admit it."
"I'm the same," Luke admitted, all thoughts of leaving forgotten. "I don't think Jack's told anyone, but I wouldn't know. I haven't spoken to anyone since...well, you know."
"What I'm trying to say is that...I'm not going to be the one to tell people why we ended." Luke looked puzzled, so I explained it more, but every word felt like a dagger in my back. "Either you tell people why we split up - friends and family, I wouldn't expect you to reveal something that personal to the fans - or you lie. I don't care. Well, I do, but that's not the point. I think I've put you through enough by staying here."
"Ric- Erica, that's not true," Luke said sadly, perching on the end of the bed. "I'd rather have you here. Obviously it hurts, obviously I want you back, obviously I still love you. But that's not your problem - whatever you feel, whatever you want, is what I want. I'd much rather have you here and be reminded than not see you at all. I just think of all the good times."
"I think we can get past this." I said quietly, one corner of my lip raising. "Eventually."
Luke nodded, this time actually leaving the room. "I hope, one day, you'll realise I'm just an idiot that made a mistake, and that you'll take me back. But seeing you happy with someone else will be just as good." And then the door closed, and the room was plunged into silence again.
» » » » »
After another four hours spent in my room, I finally decided to venture into the rest of the apartment. Hopefully the mood will have calmed by then.
Luckily, it had.
When I walked into the living room I was met by four smiling faces - all turned and staring at me.
"How are you?" Calum asked, moving up to let me sit between Michael and himself.
"Coping," I admitted bluntly, but added a small laugh onto the end to cushion the blow. "I see everyone's all smiles in here though."
"Yeah, I thought about what you said this morning and you're right," Michael paused, turned his head away from me and looked to Luke. "I need to stop giving him a hard time."
"That's awesome," I said. I squeezed Michael's hand slightly, to which he responded by putting an arm over my shoulder, pulling me closer to him.
Luke cleared his throat and as I saw his face, he looked ready to burst with anger. But he quickly covered it, speaking directly to me, "I've been thinking about what you said before, about not telling anyone about this, and I just can't do that. I can't be a coward. I'm not telling the fans, but our families have a right to know."
"I appreciate that. Thank you, Luke."
"Guys, a fan just sent me this link," Ashton said loudly, opening up the nearest laptop to him. We looked at him with confusion as he searched for the tweet, laughing a little when he made a noise between a squeak and a laugh. "Got it! I didn't read the whole thing, but it's something I think you need to see. It's about you, Ricky. It's a news article"
"About me?" I asked, leaning forward as Ashton set the laptop down on the coffee table in front of the couch, a webpage loading. "Why would a fan send you a news article about me?"
I was thrown into silence as I saw the headline, reading through the whole article:
IS 5 SECONDS OF SUMMER'S LUKE'S RELATIONSHIP ON THE ROCKS?!
As we all know, Luke Hemmings of the pop rock band 5 Seconds Of Summer has been in a relationship for four years with English-born artist, Erica Harris.
However, we've heard from inside sources that the two teenagers have been having problems - and rightly so, with the interest Erica has been receiving lately!
Anyone who is familiar with the video blogging sensation (vlogging for short) will be well aware of popular YouTube siblings Zoe and Joe Sugg. Zoe (or Zoella as she's known on YouTube) took an interest in Erica's art a mere few days ago, posting one of her daily vlogs talking about Miss Harris.
Today, both Zoe and her younger brother Joe (ThatcherJoe on YouTube) have posted vlogs about their upcoming trip to Australia with five of their YouTube companions to visit Erica!
Is Joe Sugg planning to sweep Erica of her feet - and away from poor Luke? Stay right here for the full story as our sources reveal it.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" I yelled, jumping out of my seat. "How is that news? How does that constitute as news?!"
"How do they even know about you two?" Calum asked, referring to the part of the article that mentioned our 'relationship problems'. "They don't have any inside sources."
"How do they think that?" Michael asked, more confused then anything else. "About Joe Sugg and you?"
"Hang on a sec," Ashton mumbled, typing something into the search bar. Within seconds he had Joe's latest video up, title: TRIP TO AUSTRALIA!
Ashton pressed play and Joe's calm voice flooded out of the laptop.
"Hey guys, so something very exciting is happening next week! If you watch Zoe's vlogs, you'll know about the artist Erica Harris - and if you don't know about her, you should. Anyway, Zoe's been talking to Erica, and I talked to her for a while today and she was the nicest lass to talk to! What I was saying was, a week on Friday, me, Zoe, Alfie, Caspar, Louise, Marcus and Tyler are all flying out to Australia - it's mostly for Zoe to meet Erica, but we're going to the beach and we're going to go shopping, and Caspar's going to catch up with Ashton from 5 Seconds Of Summer - that's it! If they're all cool with it, I'm going to vlog pretty much the whole trip, which I've been told will include a lot of 5SOS - how cool is that?! So to recap, you all need to check out Erica's artwork, she's incredibly talented, and just as pretty. That's it for now guys, I'll see you all later. Bye!"
"How did they get anything in that article from this video?" I asked after a few moments of silence. "Why do they need to write about me?! I'm not famous - nobody should care!"
Ashton tried to comfort me, but I was already nearly hysterical. "Ricky, just- just calm down. Everything will be fine."
"How can you say that?!" I asked, my voice reaching a pitch as high as a dog whistle. "Nothing will be fine! Can you even begin to imagine the amount of hate I'm going to get from that article?! It looks like I'm dumping Luke!"
"Ricky, just breathe for a sec-"
"And Joe!" I continued yelling, oblivious to the four guys that were now stood up, trying to get me to stop pacing around the room. I couldn't. I don't know why it bothered me so much - but it did. It really did. "Joe's going to get so much hate! That article made it look like he's trying to get between us!"
"Well I wouldn't say it was the opposite..." Luke mumbled, scowling to himself. I snapped my head around and the look I gave that boy made the room deadly silent.
"How dare you." I hissed, my voice becoming progressively louder as I continued to talk. "You have no right to be bitter or upset about any other guy taking an interest! You caused this!" I could feel myself getting more and more hysterical, but I couldn't stop the words from tumbling out my mouth. "You only care about yourself! You didn't stop and think once about what you were doing! Did you even think about me?!"
And then for the second time that day, I broke down in tears. Ashton quickly caught me as my knees buckled, holding me tightly. "This isn't working, is it." He said softly, though it wasn't a question because we already knew the answer.
"No, it's not." Luke mumbled, watching me with sad eyes. "I'll leave. Just for a bit. I'll go back home, I'll explain everything to everyone - I'll come back on Sunday. We'll go from there."
Before anyone could make a move to stop him, Luke was already in his room, packing a bag for the week.
"I'm sorry," I whispered to no one in particular, though everyone in the room seemed to respond. "This is my fault. If I wasn't so fucking emotional, this wouldn't have happened. Luke and I would have still been together, this flat would have been normal."
"No, Ricky do not blame yourself," Michael said with conviction, gripping my shoulders as if his life depended on it. "I've told you so many times that this isn't your fault."
"He's right," Calum said softly, smoothing down my hair. "You can't blame this on yourself. I know if I was in your position I would have been so much worse."
There was a cough from behind us; it came from Luke, who was stood awkwardly in the living room with two full bags. "I guess, uh..."
"You don't have to go," I said shaking, trying to regulate my breathing. "You stay here, I'll go stay with my dad for a while-"
"No, I won't be the one to force you out." Luke said defiantly. "I need to think over some things. I can't do that here. You need these guys, even I know they've treat you better than I have recently."
"Luke..."
"All I can hope is what I've been saying - that one day, be it next week, next month, or next year, you realise just how much you mean to me, and you give me a second chance. Forget about everything and everyone else, and just focus on us."
"Luke, please..."
Luke continued, ignoring my pleas, "Because that's what I want. An us. I don't want you, I want us. I need you, because without you I'm just me. I need you because I want us. And I know I'll always need you so much more than you need me."
I didn't say anything. I don't even know what came over me. But I did the unthinkable. I stood up and walked to Luke, throwing my arms around his broad chest. I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my face into his t shirt, hugging him tightly.
Luke dropped his bags instantly, his strong arms locking around my small body protectively. He rested his forehead against my head, his hands clutching at the material of my sweater.
With my eyes closed, and the familiar feeling of Luke surrounding me, I just wanted everything the way it was. I wanted Luke and I to be together, cuddled up on the couch, or messing around in the kitchen, or talking for hours on end in our bedroom.
I wanted to not be thinking about Zoe's brother every half hour. I wanted Luke and Michael to be back to normal. I wanted everyone to feel comfortable. I wanted to be less emotional.
But as I opened my eyes and reluctantly let go of Luke, everything was the same. Luke and I weren't together. We weren't cuddling, or laughing, or talking. Michael was scowling at Luke and Calum and Ashton weren't quite sure how to react.
I found myself wondering about how it would feel to hug Joe like that, even though I was still hopelessly in love with Luke.
Most of all, I wanted to cry. But I didn't.
No words needed to follow that; Luke knew exactly what I meant. Michael was the first to step up. He stared Luke in the eye for a moment before repeating my gestures, surprising everyone.
The hug looked like a hug shared between brothers - which is exactly what it was. When they finally let go, Michael looked Luke in the eye and smiled slightly, clapping him in the shoulder. "You're doing the right thing by telling people what happened, I respect that. I don't know if I'd have the courage."
"You wouldn't have done it in the first place," Luke said sadly. He turned to Calum who was watching the blonde boy with sad eyes.
"This is going to fix itself." He said quietly as he hugged Luke, much like Michael hugged Luke - like brothers. "You'll see, things will get better."
"He's right," Ashton said wisely. His hug lasted a little longer than everyone else's; he thought of Luke as his little brother. He was just as protective of him as he was of me. "It doesn't seem like it now, but I know things will work out in the end."
"I really hope so." Luke said quietly. He picked his bags up and sighed, looking exhausted. He looked like he'd just lost the most important thing in his life. "Mum's picking me up in ten minutes, I'm just going to wait downstairs. I'm telling her tonight. Erica, I'll go to your dad tomorrow and tell him everything. Don't blame him if he punches me."
I wanted to laugh, but my throat felt tight and constricted. In the end all I managed was a feeble, "He won't punch you."
"I better go," Luke turned surely; it was like he was being dragged out of the apartment, but every fiber of his being wanted to stay. In the end he lost the fight and disappeared out of the door. Although he paused before he was gone completely, to say quickly and quietly, "You might hate me now, but I'll always love you."
I didn't know what to say - so I ended up just saying, "I know."
The door closed, and all of a sudden the apartment felt empty.
"Are you okay?" Michael asked, leading me back to the couch. I nodded silently, opening my phone. The notifications were going crazy. I thought it was Zoe, but it was Twitter. Lots of Twitter. "Ricky, don't look at that shit."
But it was too late. I'd seen the tweets. I'd seen all the horrible words. I'd seen it all.
Bitch. Slut. Whore. Attention seeker. Ugly. Fat. Slag
Kill yourself. I hope you die.
All things that people had carelessly and recklessly sent me on Twitter. Looking through all the tweets I was completely oblivious to everyone else in the room.
I felt my throat constrict and my chest tighten. My body started to shake and I became light headed. Tears didn't flow this time - instead I felt a growing in the pit of my stomach, like a snowball being rolled down a hill, gaining speed and weight. It was getting stronger and stronger until I couldn't contain it. Boom. It was like an explosion.
I screamed at the top of my lungs, hugging my knees tightly to my chest. It took all three of the boys by surprise and as soon as I felt a hand on my arm I kicked out. My foot connected with their chest and I felt them fall back but I couldn't concentrate long enough to worry.
I felt claustrophobic. I had to get out.
I ran into the kitchen but I felt like I was being strangled. I couldn't see straight, I couldn't make sense of the mess in my head.
In the distance I heard the kitchen door swing open and a faint, "Its her IED!" But I couldn't stop. I didn't know what to do. I felt so out of control - like I was a puppet, being manipulated by someone out of sight.
Eventually the blind panic stopped and was replaced by a hollow, sinking feeling. I dropped to the floor and stared at nothing, my eyes vacant.
"Ricky?"
"Dude, just give her a sec!"
"I don't know what just happened! It's never been this bad - we need to know she can respond!"
"This is his fault again!"
"Can we not think about that right now?!"
"I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice so quiet it was almost inaudible. "I don't know what happened. I- I couldn't-"
"Hey, hey, it's okay," Ashton crouched beside me, hesitantly reaching for my hand. I let him lock his fingers with mine and pull me up, straying my still shaking frame. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
"No- no, I'm fine. I just feel so...so stupid."
"Why would you feel stupid?!" Michael asked, running a hand through his messy hair. "You've been through a lot in the last couple of days, you shouldn't feel stupid."
"He's right," Calum said softly, watching me sadly. "It's been a long couple of days for all of us. Why don't you just go to bed, sleep this off."
"Yeah," I said, trying to walk to my bedroom. My knees buckled and my legs shook, and instantly Calum and Michael were either side of me, supporting me. "I just need to sleep. Tomorrow's a new day. Tomorrow will be better."
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Hey guys! So that is a lot! Things will calm down soon, but not completely - what'd be the fun in that?!
So, Ricky's IED is back - thoughts on that? Justified? Expected? Unneeded?
And the article! What's going to happen with Joe, I wonder? Let me know what you think in the comments!
~ Cait xxx