●Chapter Twenty Nine●
〄
This is what happens when your boyfriend says he's leaving:
Katsuki swears it has nothing to do with you, he says it's always been that way, since the divorce and the death of his mother, his father's job had kept them moving. Always. He says he can't remember when the last time he stayed in one place for more than a year, and you understand. You nod, smile, tell him it's just the way things are. Like Mina, you can't bring yourself to be mad, only heartbroken.
Each day, you're stuck to him like glue. He shows up to your classes to walk you to and from each room. Lunch is spent side by side, hands locked, silence settling over because neither of you knew what to say, what is and isn't okay. When you're not at school, you're cramming in as much as you possibly can. Dates, walks, study sessions. Anything in an act of desperation to try to get what you can of him etched in your brain.
Each night is spent in each other's arms whether it's at your house or his, and no one questions it. Your mothers stopped pestering you about it, his dad stopped constantly checking in. You try to imagine what it was like before Katsuki, you fail and try to dream up a fantasy world where he doesn't have to leave you. Where you aren't blind so you could see his features. So you could understand what it's like to be totally and utterly captivated by his eyes.
The world isn't kind like that.
By week two of knowing of his move, you two talk for hours on the porch and come to the heart-wrenching conclusion to not stay together. You think back to Mina, when she said this would hurt less, and you try to fathom how in any world that would make sense because the pain you're feeling is beyond anything you've ever felt in. He's leaving you, you're leaving him. You will be going your separate ways.
Your mind races at the thought of him finding someone better, someone who can appreciate him in ways you could never. You imagine him loving someone, giving his heart away to who isn't you, and you almost vomit on the wooden steps. You wonder if the time will burn your heart, if the time will start to slowly strip what love you felt for him from you, because Mina said they move on, they grow apart, and that's just how life works. Another thought that feels like the fist of the world's strongest man finding a spot wedged in your stomach, weighing you down like a rock.
These things are inevitable, you tell yourself, I'll move on yet you don't want to move on. You do not want to accept that he's leaving, that there's a more than likely chance that he'll build a future excluding you, and that you'll build one without him.
There's one day that goes by, and although you've heard from Katsuki you haven't seen him. His father and him have started cleaning the house, he told you. You soak up the memories, holding the hoodie he left at your house close because once he's gone, aside from his number and the messages you've made sure to screenshot and back up, it'll be all that's left. It will be the only true, prevalent, and visible indicator that Katsuki was there, that he left a mark somewhere on your heart that you believe won't ever fully heal.
Mina told you that you never forget your first love, never entirely that is. She said that you never really fall entirely out of love with them either, but you thought that was bullshit.
Your mothers notice your mood, how down you've become so quickly, and you can tell they're worried you'll end up like you were by the way they speak, the questions, the tone. They tell you they'd help you go visit if Katsuki wasn't far, they wouldn't mind at all, but you tell them he'll be far and that you'll be okay. You have to be. Not being okay won't change anything, he's still going to leave and being okay will make the change a little easier, or at least you hope it will. There's really no way to know and that alone is terrifying.
The days fly by without waiting for you to catch up, without giving you the time to try to properly prepare yourself for the loss you're about to endureーthen again, you're not sure this is a thing you could prepare regardless of how much time you had. You could spend your whole life preparing, you could spend your whole life building up walls and tucking yourself away to try to ready yourself, but nothing will ever prepare you for loss and all the feelings that come with it. You could lock yourself away, hiding silently, and still, loss would come knocking at your door, scythe raised and laced in sadness. It would bring the blade down upon your neck and not care about the pieces it leaves you in when it walks away, off to complete another job.
Loss, despite your best efforts, it's not really something you can ready yourself for.
And just when you thought you were ready, when you were sure you could handle it, the final day came. The day Katsuki would leave and you were the furthest thing from ready. It was upon you and can feel the bile fluctuate in your stomach, rising and falling. Climbing up your throat, producing a horrid taste, falling back down to irritate the insides of your stomach.
Katsuki tries to ease the blow. He asks if you'd like to go on a date somewhere, some final fuck you to the world before he has to leave, and even though he's not gone yet, it feels like you've already lost him
-
Heat poured in from the sky. Like the yolk of an egg being broken, oranges and reds and yellows bled into the snow-white clouds in the distance high above the still, and always, slow capped peaks. The day was warm and for the first time since the first snowfall of the season, people crowded the small-town streets.
A cool breeze flooded the truck, weaving in and out of the four windows, all of which had been rolled down when the ride first began. The truck had been sweltering, the leather seats and metal seat belts too hot to touch, and Riot wanted nothing to do with it. After turning the A/C up and laying a thin blanket on the bed of the truck, they were finally permitted to travel.
"Where should we go for our last date?" Katsuki had asked Kirishima the night before, his head in his lap as he studied for a test he wouldn't have to take.
There was no deliberation. No moment of thought. Not a beat went by.
"The ocean," Kirishima said.
He'd lived within a two-hour driving radius of the ocean since before he'd gone blind, and never once had he ever been to it. He's never felt the sand between his toes or tasted the salt in the air as a breeze whipped around his head and tousled his hair. It never seemed like a possibility for some reason.
Katsuki didn't question it, and the next day they drove to the ocean without anything else planned. They had to be back at Katsuki's house by four, but the topic wasn't discussed anymore after that. Kirishshima's moms had packed a small lunch for them, if they were to get hungry, and gave them no choice but to take it and off they went.
Salt. It was the first thing Kirishima smelled when he exited the car and let Riot free of his harness. Warmth. So much warmth he found himself stripping from his long-sleeved and rolling up the legs of his joggers to his shins. Sand under his toes. He smiled as he curled and uncurled his toes, concentrating hard enough to see if he could feel each individual grain. A stupid thought.
Katsuki took him by the hand and pulled Kirishima closer to the water, the waves crashing into his legs before temporarily retreating back. His smile only grew as he dug his feet into the wet sand, lifting them up to flick away the clumps before repeating the action several times over. He didn't venture much further than the shin-high waters he was first introduced to, and he was quite alright with that. This, this moment and all it contained, was more than enough.
"You don't want to go further?"
He shook his head. "No, not really."
There was a moment of silence
and then he was up, over Katsuki's shoulder
he was protesting
yelling
demanding to be put down
all with a smile.
He was engulfed in the cold, salty waves of the ocean but he wasn't going to go down without a fight. His fingers gripped the fabric of Katsuki's shirt, and held on tight enough to pull the bastard down with him.
Kirishima was laughing, trying to get away from arm's reach of Katsuki, but his own shirt was grabbed and he was pulled back into a pair of arms, tight around him as they held him close like a lifeline. The laughter died down into something tender as Katsuki's wet lips pressed against Kirishima's salt-covered skin, let out a breath that sent a shiver down his spine, and finally relaxed in the waist-deep water.
Salt danced on Katsuki's lips, he could taste it from the moment he turned his head and closed the space between them. Salt and sweetness and love and something walking the lines of sadness. This would be one of the last times he'd ever kiss Katsuki, Kirishima realized. It would be one of the last times he'd ever feel his arms around him, the last time he'd ever get to taste Katsuki's lips and feel his breath against his skin.
With great effort, they pulled themselves away from one another and retreated to the shore to dry off. Katsuki had disappeared long enough to retrieve the towels and food they had been given. He wrapped one around Kirishima's shoulder, handed him a container with slices of homemade meat lovers pizza his mothers had prepared for the occasion, and sat right next to him.
"I hope it's alright that Mina and Kami show up," Kirishima said, chewing a large bite. "They wanted to say bye, and weren't sure if they'd be able to do it later."
A tongue click. Most certainly a furrowed brow, a crease forming between them. A heavy sigh of reluctance. "I suppose... I wouldn't mind saying bye to those idiots."
"Those idiots are your friends, Katsuki." He grinned and nudged Katsuki, a knowing look spreading across his face.
"Don't make me gag."
"Don't make me call bullshit."
Kirishima knew just how much Katsuki hated to admit that he'd grown close to Kaminari and Mina, that he talked to them when Kirishima wasn't around and sent him things that reminded him of them. He knew he'd never admit out loud that he'd bonded with them in some strange way, that he started detesting their existence less and less with each passing day. Katsuki would never admit that he loved them.
Kirishima knew all of this and so did they.
The comfortable silence that had fallen over them was broken the moment Kaminari and Mina showed up, they're loud voices instantly drawing the attention of anywhere within a ten-mile radius. Together, they tackled Katsuki into the sand and wept large, fake sobs, not caring that his clothes were still detected from his adventure in the ocean.
"Hey, Kirishima."
An entirely new voice. But... it was drenched in familiarity. It was a grown-up version of sounds and syllables he had once heard many years ago. Kirishima was up. Spinning in the direction of the voice only to be pulled in the opposite direction, arms wrapping around him. Pot. Weed wafted into his nose and that's all it took for him to know who it was.
"Sero! Dude!" Kirishima exclaimed. "Mina said you were coming but I didn't know it was today!"
"I didn't know either," Kaminari said, being held face down into the fine grains of sand, voice muffled but somehow audible.
"How are you?" Kirishima pulled away.
"I'm not sure I know how to answer that, man," Sero replied and rubbed the back of his neck, sheepish. "It's surreal to be back here. Fuck dude, your hair looks nice. You look nice. Who's this?" he gestured a hand to Katsuki, who, still, kept a knee in Kaminari's back and a hand on his head.
"Ah! This Katsuki," Mina introduced after patting away most of the sand that stuck to her exposed legs. "Kiri's boyfriend." A wink.
Katsuki didn't say anything. He gave a small, half-assed nod of acknowledgement and began to throw insults at Kaminari, mainly revolving around his intelligence or lack thereof.
"He's moving today."
It felt unnatural to say it out loud, to put it into the world so calmly. It, in a way, was also ironic. Just as Sero, Mina's first love, comes back, Kirishima's is getting ready to depart. He resisted the urge to laugh, to cry, to shout.
"Ah shit, I'm sorry dude."
A shrug was all he could muster. A sad twitch of his lips to follow.
"How long are you staying?" A change of topic.
"Oh, only a few days. Gotta get back to the fam, ya know?"
Katsuki stood up and whispered something in Kirishima's ear about them having to go, they needed to start making their way back into down because the clock was ticking and there was still someplace they had to go before it was time for him to leave. Heart-shattering, really, to be made aware of his move. Again and again.
"Sero, dude, we'll have to catch up later, alright?" Kirishima was already being pulled away as he gave a high wave and bright smile.
"Sure thing man!" Sero shouted back, his words somehow drowning out Kaminari's yells about how "Katsuki can't just walk away like that!" and "You're a pussy, come and face me like a man!" They ignored him, of course, and kept moving.
"Katsuki, where are we going?" Kirishima asked.
"Why would I tell you?"
"Because you love me?"
"Uh-huh. That's terrible reasoning."
Kirishima narrowed his eyes in a direction he was sure wasn't in Katsuki's direction and puffed out his cheeks in protest. Katsuki wasn't going to tell him, no amount of begging or pleading would get Katsuki to spill. He was hard headed.
They climbed back into the truck, Riot taking his place on the blanket laid out on the bed of the truck. They took a two-hour drive out to the ocean, only to be there for all of forty-five minutes, just take the two-hour drive back home, further engraving the fact that Katsuki was leaving today.
His mind wonderedーwondered to his friends, to how was before Katsuki and how it might be after Katsuki. Mina, she seemed so much happier, lighter, that Sero was back, even though it was only for a few days. Sero always made her smile, always brought joy to her face in ways Kaminari and Kirishima couldn't ever understand or accomplish. It was cheesy to think this, but they were made for each other, and he really hoped they would stay in touch, and maybe rekindle that love he knew was buried somewhere. Those two could make the distance work.
Life without Katsuki... he didn't have a clue as to what he was going to do. He wasn't sure if they were going to stay in touch, or if they were going to fade the way Sero had with Mina. That thought was terrifying and almost seemed more painful than Katsuki leaving. He didn't want their relationship to fade, he didn't want the distance to become more than distance.
In the end, he decided he would breathe like Katsuki had taught him.
Just breathe and everything will be okay.
Just breathe
and everything will be okay.
Perhaps if he told himself this enough, it would be true.
How naive of him.
"We're here," Katsuki said as the car had fallen still, then silent.
Kirishima wished time wasn't moving so fast. Just slow down, please. Give me more time with him. But time did what it wanted. On the days you wanted it to just move, it crept. Slowly. On the days you wanted to stop it, to beg it to stop moving so fast, it flew by and in the blink of an eye it was over.
Katsuki grabbed Kirishima's hand as the truck door swung open with a little too much force, and rushing water was the first thing he heard. His heart did a little dance in his chest. The bridge. The stupid bridge where it all began. Where they first met so many years ago, where Kirishima always found himself running to just get away from it all, where he sort of kissed Katsuki that one time. He hated that stupid bridge yet adored it all at once.
"I just wanted to come back here, one last time."
"That's really sweet, Katsuki. Who knew you were such a softy."
Katsuki let out an over-exaggerated groan and pushed Kirishima's face away when he got too close. "I"m not soft."
"Just admit it. You're a big softy."
He clicked his tongue, placed Kirishima's hand on the railing of the bridge, and let go to let him find his way himself, to give him the independence he always wished he had. Kirishima walked, dragging his hand along the wood, feeling the chipped paint underneath his fingers. This would be the last time he and Katsuki would ever come here together.
"I'm going to miss you," Kirishima whispered.
"I know." A second too long pause. "Me too, Kirishima. Me too."
Kirishima hadn't asked if Katsuki would be back; he felt the answer would be no or probably not or I don't know and something about that told him his heart wouldn't be able to handle that. He hadn't asked if they would keep in touch or if Katsuki would be busy or if there was the possibility that his number would change and then they'd be fucked. All Kirishima had asked was, "Please, don't forget me, Katsuki."
"I promise."
That was that.
They enjoyed the sounds of the water, relished in the warmth they were sure they'd never feel touch their skin again, and drove back to Katsuki's empty house where a moving truck containing the minimal things he and his father owned sat. Kirishima wished he had gotten to know Katsuki's dad a little, he seemed like a down to earth guy, and he wished he'd gotten to know the layout of Katsuki's house a little more, not that it would matter anymore, but muscle memory was all that he really had when it came to that sort of thing.
Kirishima did what he could to help Katsuki and his dad pack in the few things that hadn't made their way into the back of the moving truck, and when he heard the metal doors abruptly shut, the moment became more real. The idea that Katsuki was leaving was drilled further and further into his head. Thank you so much for making my son happy, his father said during the brief, awkward hug they shared, It was so good to see him smiling again. Katsuki was leaving.
He threw his arms around Katsuki and buried his face in his neck to inhale his scent one more time, to feel Katsuki's arms around him one more time like the safety net they were. He felt the few tears that managed to fall over his lash line fall onto his cheeks, staining the fabric of Katsuki's shirt. He dried it up, sniffed up the snot that clogged his nose, and pulled back to press his forehead against Katsuki's.
Miss wasn't the proper word to use. It was an underestimate of how Kirishima would feel when Katsuki leaves. At least he would have broken memories of their times together. They had so many good months together, so many good days that were spent well and cherished, almost as if they would be their last.
Hold those moments close, Kiri. You may never get them back, Mina had told him after Katsuki had broken the news to Kirishima. She was consulting him, telling him it won't be easy but he'll learn to cope. Don't ever forget them.
And he wouldn't. He wouldn't ever forget Katsuki either.
Just before Katsuki left, he handed Kirishima a piece of paper, telling him to look at it whenever he felt down or was having a rough day. He placed so many quick kisses on Kirishima's lips, rushed and sweet and Kirishima wanted to drown in them. He held Katsuki's shirt, fabric balled up in his first, as he stopped the parade of quick kisses with a longer-lasting one.
"I love you, Shitty Hair."
"I love you too, Katsuki."
Katsuki broke the kiss, climbed into his truck, and gave one final honk of his horn before he followed his dad down the street.
Eyes filled with tears, Kirishima looked down and unfolded the many folds of the paper. He felt around until familiar bumps were under his touch.
he smiled
held the paper close to his heart
closed his eyes
and breathed.
⠝⠑⠧⠑⠗ ⠛⠊⠧⠑ ⠥⠏ ⠕⠝ ⠍⠑
NEVER GIVE UP ON ME
He never did.
〄
Word Count: 3639
March 19, 2020
one more bois :')
im working on several other projects so more content. 2 kiribaku stories, my kiribaku one shot book, and a kamishin story. regarding my kamishin story, i may have it be a Ao3 exclusive depending on the response it gets :)
also
feel free to ask me questions for a Q&A. i've done these after finishing all my books. you can ask about the book or my personal life. anything :) im an open book
-StarsNeverLanding