Monday morning Matthew and I rode to school together so Ray and Victor can talk alone. I was sure Victor wouldn't forgive Ray, but at the time I really hoped he would. I had texted him the night before and he seemed unsure of what to do, but I told him that he needed to let Ray know what his concerns were. I knew if Victor was honest, Ray would be less annoying about it.
"I noticed you haven't been having any nightmares or breakdowns. I think around the time the Ray and Victor incident happened." Matthew said as we drove.
I thought for a second and realized he was right. "Huh, I guess not. I haven't been thinking about it as much."
"Not even your mom?"
"Sometimes I think about her, but it is easier for me to get distracted. I guess I have been really obsessed with the Ray stuff and I think the Rita Sundays keep me distracted too. I spend time thinking about what we should do the following Sunday or if we should go back to one of the other places we went to before. My mind just has a different energy."
He took my hand and held it tight. "That makes me really happy. Sometimes I worry that you are just choosing not to deal with it, but since you haven't had the breakdowns, I was wondering what was going on."
"I think me holding it in so much is what caused the breakdowns. Like I hate talking about it and feeling the pain that I always feel. I mean it hasn't fully left, but I have been managing it better." I hesitated before my next sentence, "I have even been thinking of calling my mom."
I could see his shock, despite his effort to hide it. "Yeah?"
"Yeah, I was going to talk to you about it later today."
"Okay, we can wait until then if you want."
I nodded.
Victor and Ray showed up to school and I was glad to see Victor smiling. I wrapped one of my arms in his as we all walked to the school. "Better?" I whispered to him.
"Yeah, he told me you threatened him if he didn't make things right."
"I did, I mean wasn't my best one, but that doesn't matter."
Victor kissed my forehead and thanked me.
For some reason the girls in school today seemed more clingy than usual towards, well, all three guys. I of course hardly existed to any of them.
There was one girl today that I found talking to Ray three times. I have seen her before, she may have been new, but maybe a couple of months ago. I wasn't good at keeping track of people in school.
"Who's this?" I asked when I saw Ray talking to her outside of my class. They both stopped and looked at me. "I've seen you talking to her two other times today."
I could tell Ray wanted to laugh, I have never so much as cared when someone was talking to him, because it always happened.
"This is..." he forgot her name, or never knew it. He scrunched his face trying really hard to remember.
"Marie." She supplied him with.
"Does she know you are seeing someone?"
"She does."
Matthew walked up behind me, "Who's this?" he said.
"Marie, she knows he is seeing someone." I told him.
"Are you guys always this weird?" Marie said.
"Yes." all three of us said together.
"Okay, so I am going to go now." And just like that Marie was gone.
"Where did she come from?" I said to Ray.
"We have a project to do together, so she has been talking to me about it."
"Fine, I thought she was hitting on you."
"Nope, not at all. She is innocent, I think she has a boyfriend or something."
Matthew and Victor had girls they never spoke to speaking to them too, apparently all the classes had the same project. I didn't get assigned it yet. It was for our English class and I had a sub. It just annoyed me seeing the girls because it was like they were all just too happy to be talking to them. It drove me crazy.
That night I sat down in my room with Matthew and after a few minutes of silence to calm me, I called my mother.
"Hello?" she answered.
"Mom?"
"Who is this?"
"It's Rita."
She went silent for a few moments, but I could hear her breathing. "What do you want?"
I could feel myself starting to panic, but I got this far. "I was just hoping you could tell me why you feel the way you do about me." I said quietly.
She cleared her throat, "Why? What does it matter to you?"
"I mean, it hurt a lot to hear that from you. I have been thinking about it, and I finally thought I should try to ask you."
Matthew held on to my hand as my eyes started to get teary.
"Well I don't think there is much to explain. I said what I said. And now you know. There is no real proof of what happened to you, my brother didn't have to go to prison where he was murdered." she said nastily. "How you and Ray are, is almost how we were, not as close, but close. Had you not gotten up on that stand, he wouldn't have gone to prison."
I gasped, I didn't remember court, or anything leading up to him going to prison. I tried to see if I had any other memories I kept away, I had nothing. I knew it could be there somewhere, I just couldn't access it.
"Of course, you remember nothing at all and we all just have to pretend Rita's life is perfectly fine. Don't tell Rita, don't do anything that may remind Rita, protect Rita. You had no problem getting him put away and not even a week later he dies. So, yes, I blame you for his death."
I held back my sobs and squeezed Matthew's hand so tight.
"I'm sorry." I whispered into the phone.
"Oh yeah, I am sure you are. You don't even know what you are sorry for. You don't remember anything."
"But what about the days you weren't upset and were nice to me?" That was what had always confused me. How were those days possible?
"The meds had their good days and their bad days. Some days I was able to not think about it. Other days it was harder to lie. Even if your dad did allow me to come back, I don't think I ever could. I can't do it anymore. I don't believe you or your brother about Brian and I'm tired of pretending I do."
I didn't even bother saying bye, I just hung up the phone. After about five minutes of staring off at the wall, I crawled under my blanket and went to sleep. Matthew didn't try to talk to me, he laid next to me and ran his fingers through my hair.
When I woke up the next morning my pain was back. The dread of getting up and thinking about my mother was present again. This time it hurt more. It hurt to breathe and to think. I couldn't stop myself, I burst into hysterical crying not even two minutes after waking up.
Ray walked into the room ready for school and took one look at me, "I take it we aren't going to school today."
"Don't think so." Matthew said.
"What happened?"
"She spoke to your mom last night. It didn't go well."
Ray sighed and came to sit next to me on the bed. "Why did you call her?" he asked me softly. I could tell he was annoyed that I had reached out to her, but he didn't want to hurt my feelings even more.
I wiped my face a bit and turned over to look at him. "She blames me for her brother going to prison, she said had I not got up on the stand, there was no proof of what he did. She said, to this day she didn't believe he did anything."
I could feel Ray tense up.
"I'll be back, I have to take Victor to school." he said coldly. I knew it wasn't towards me, but he was angry, almost as angry as the night she was asked to leave.
I heard him downstairs yelling at my dad, I couldn't fully make out what he was saying, but I managed to hear that "She needs to be spoken to." I don't know if I was the she or if my mom was the she.
When Ray slammed the door shut, I had this sudden urge to see Janice, so I messaged her. She said she would be home all day and I was welcome to come anytime for as long as I wanted to.
I told Matthew I needed a little bit of time to myself and I rode my bike to Janice's house.
"Hi sweetie!" she said excitedly when she opened the door. At first, she was smiling, then she saw my swollen eyes and sad face and her smile faded.
"Can I come in?"
"Of course." She showed me to the living room and sat down next to me on the couch.
I went over the details of the last few months and she gasped and awed when she needed to, until I got to the phone call last night.
"You know, I am so sorry I was so wrong about your mother. I just can't believe any mother would be that horrid." she said sadly.
"You and me both. The thing I think she hates the most is that I don't remember any of it. It has been so hard to remember some things. It is almost like they were forced away."
"It happens, but I don't think you should force yourself to remember things you may not be ready to handle. Also, if you try to force it, you could end up with false memories. So, just let it happen when it happens, if it happens."
"I am honestly tired of remembering. I liked the last two months when it took no effort not to remember what happened. It was happiness. But I knew, if I didn't ask my mother, it would eat away at me. I really don't know what I expected, but it wasn't that."
"Then work through this and stop making yourself remember. If you have gotten to the point where you are not thinking about it, then let yourself be there. Because now you know it happened, it is there, but you are moving past it."
"I know, but I have so many more questions now. It's like I want the answers but I am so scared of them."
"Don't be scared, honey. You will get past this again. If you don't ask your questions, they will stick with you, so do it now, get it out the way, then you can move on."
I leaned into Janice and just rested my head on her. She put her arm around me and stroked my hair until I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I had an idea, it was a terrible one, but I think I needed to do it. I was either going to go visit her family or just call them. I wanted to know if they felt how my mom felt, and if they did, I wanted to know why. After a few minutes, I figured a phone call would probably work better. If they did blame me, being there wasn't a good idea, and either way I did not want to see my mother again.
"Hey honey, your phone kept ringing while you were asleep, I don't know if it was important."
I looked and Ray had called me twice and Matthew texted me saying no need to call Ray back and to come home when I feel okay.
"Thank you, I think I made a decision."
Janice set a cup of tea in front of me and sat down. "What is it?"
"I think I am going to call my grandparents. I want to know how they feel about me and what happened. I have been curious about it, but I think now is the time for me to ask so I can come to terms with it."
Janice thought about this for a few minutes and nodded her head. "I think that is a good idea for you. Do you feel that is the closure you need?"
"I think." I tried to think about anything I wanted to know, the question of if my dad was behind my Uncle dying came to mind, but I knew that was not something I wanted to entertain. I couldn't believe my dad would do that. "Maybe asking my dad about what happened with the trial? I don't remember things, but I want to know them."
"Alright, that is a good idea too. Hopefully there are no more things you are forgetting."
"I don't think I could handle anymore. I really hope this is it. God my childhood sucked."