"I have to tell you something." I said to Matthew after he got out of the shower. I was sitting on the bed just trying to really absorb what I was about to say.
Matthew froze and I patted the bed. "What's up?" he said when he sat down.
"So, this is really weird for me to say. Like, I am not even sure how to say it, so I am just going to tell you what I saw."
Matthew started to get tense, I think he thought I had another memory or something. "So... what was it?"
"Well, Victor is here, in Ray's room. Before I walked in on them kissing."
He laughed.
"I'm dead serious. I spoke to Ray about it. I guess they have been feeling something for each other for a little while now."
He stopped laughing when he saw I wasn't joking. "You're serious? Ray and Victor?"
"Yup."
He thought for a few minutes and started nodding his head. "Okay, I can see that. I mean I have noticed some looks between them, but I didn't think anything of it."
"Really? I didn't notice anything. Not a look or a vibe or anything."
"I mean the idea is still weird, but I can just understand it now that I really think about it."
"So, what do I do?"
"What do you mean? There isn't anything for you to do." I nodded, "This is your brother's decision. Only thing you need to do is support him. I'm sure you finding out the way you did is not easy for him. There wasn't time for him to prepare to tell you or even decide if he would. So just let him handle it how he wants to handle it."
"Okay, you're right. I can do that."
"I mean, if they were to become.... an item, I think it would work better for you guys. There is no girl fighting for his attention and pulling you guys away. Like I know today was hard for you without Ray. I saw you itching to come home just to see him. There aren't many people that will understand that. Then there is your childhood and upbringing, Victor knows. He understands."
I smiled, "I feel like you are really excited about this."
He laughed, "I wouldn't say excited, but I guess I kind of thought something, and now I can see the benefits for you. I can't lie, I do sometimes wonder if Ray will really find someone that is just going to be okay with you and I being there all the time? Will there be someone else that convinces him to not have you around and leave you feeling like you did before? I don't think about these things all the time, but I wonder about it."
"And you think Ray being gay is the perfect solution?" I laughed.
"I mean I wouldn't say that, but if it has already happened, then I think it will work out. Considering they are actually into each other and they don't change their minds."
"Okay," I stared at the wall, "Ray and Victor is a good thing. I just wish I didn't see it. I have managed to avoid seeing my brother kiss anyone my whole life."
"To be fair, you did go into his room."
"He didn't lock the door! Why wouldn't he lock the door?"
There was a knock at my door. "This is what you do before entering a room." Ray announced.
"I have never done that in seventeen years! I am not starting now!"
Ray opened my room door and behind him Victor shyly followed.
"So, you guys were talking about us."
"Listening through the door?" I said.
"Yeah, just for a minute."
I looked behind him as Victor kept his head down. "You can come in Victor. We won't bite." I say to him.
"We decided that we will give it a try, but we aren't ready for anyone to know." Ray said.
Matthew and I nodded. "And we decided this was a good thing, Matthew pointed out that I don't have to deal with girlfriends fighting for your attention if this keeps up."
I saw Victor smile but still kept his head down. "I guess that is one way to look at it." he finally spoke.
"Can I talk to Victor alone?"
Ray and Matthew looked at each other but agreed and left me alone with Victor. He avoided my eyes and paced around the room.
"Victor, are you okay? You don't have to feel...I don't know...embarrassed. At least that is what I think you are feeling."
"I don't know what it is, this is just new to me. The thought of being with a guy has never crossed my mind, nor did I think it would ever cross my mind. Even when it did, I thought I was crazy because I was interested in you. Then, I don't know, it was just like I found myself noticing him. At first it was weird to me and I figured it would just go away. It didn't, the more I spoke to him and saw him, the surer I was."
"Well, he seems to feel the same way. Equally as confused, I guess. I mean there is no rush for you two to figure it out. My dad is gone most of the time, you can come any time and see if things still feel the same now that you two are out in the open with each other. Matthew and I are happy for you guys. I want my brother to be happy, and if he feels you will do that, even if it is just for a little while, I want him to have it. We won't tell anyone, it will stay between us, if you guys decide you are ready to make it public, we are here to support you."
He sat down next to me and pushed his fingers through his hair. "I don't think I could ever be out in the open about it. My parents would probably disown me."
As I watched him, I realized this is what really stressed him out. He didn't want his family to know. I leaned my head on his shoulder, "And if they do, you can always come here. It doesn't matter what happens with you and Ray."
"Thanks Rita. I appreciate it."
"After the things you have done for me, of course I will look out for you. Why don't you hang out here tonight?"
Victor sighed, "I might. I haven't decided if I need a little bit of time to just clear my head or hang out."
"Okay, I understand."
I sat there with my head leaned on Victor's shoulder. We sat there silently for a few minutes just staring off at the wall.
Victor and I went down to the kitchen where unsurprisingly Ray and Matthew were having a bowl of ice cream.
"Everything good?" Ray said.
I looked at Victor and he nodded. "Yeah, everything is fine."
At school I found myself watching Ray and Victor more closely. It was like I was obsessed with watching the both of them together now. I wanted to see if they were different at school.
I observed them looking at each other here and there, but mostly talking to each other as usual. I think I may have been over thinking it because any time they accidentally touched I swore they did it on purpose.
I think the most interesting thing I noticed about Ray was that he looked calm and smiled a lot more than he usually did. I had never noticed that he was always so tense, until today. Victor on the other hand seemed happier, but he was tense. I had a feeling he didn't tell Ray how he thought his family would take it. I knew Ray probably felt the same way when it came to my dad, but my dad wasn't around enough for it to be a concern. While my dad paid the bills and bought everything, it was really Ray who ran the house.
"Will you stop staring at them so obsessively." Matthew told me as we walked behind them in the hallway.
"Is it that obvious?" I whispered to him while I stared.
"Extremely."
"I can hear you." Ray said to us.
"Cover your ears then." I told him.
I think the other part of the reason I was so interested in them is the shock of it kept other things as bay. I haven't thought of my Uncle very much, I haven't had any flashbacks, I haven't thought of my mom too much. Only reason I thought of her was when I wondered how she would react. But nothing seemed to hurt me because my mind just went back to, I can't believe Victor and Ray are together now.
The problem with this was that I also knew I wasn't dealing with any of my problems. Not that I knew how to, I just knew that I was supposed to, somehow.