On Sunday Matthew asked Ray something he has never asked him for before, alone time with me for the day. Ray had no problem agreeing and made plans to hang out with Victor and his sisters.
We drove thirty minutes before we arrived at a Botanical Garden. The whole way there he refused to tell me where we were going.
As we walked, I touched some of the flowers and stopped to smell others.
"Okay, so I have been thinking, you are Rita Allen," I side-eyed him, "But what do you like? I mean I know you and Ray are twins and like all the same things, or so it seems. But I was curious, are there things that just you like? Do you like a different type of music? Is there something that just Rita likes to do, or that only Rita is interested in?"
I almost said of course I do! But I stopped, because I realized, he may have been right. I listened to whatever Ray listened to, I never tried out anything different. I ate what Ray ate, I did what Ray did, I liked what Ray liked. I was pretty much Ray, but I was a girl. I looked at him stunned because no one has ever asked me what I liked before and I have never thought about liking anything different. "I....I don't know." I mumbled.
He put his arm around my shoulder, "It's okay love, I am not judging you. I just kind of got curious about it. I mean you could say that you two just like all the same things and that is okay. I just sometimes feel like you aren't acquainted with yourself. You are seventeen, soon we'll be eighteen and we will have to decide what we want to do with our lives. But to do that, you need some kind of idea of who you are and what you like. I mean what if Ray wanted to be an accountant? Is that what you want too?" I shook my head horrified, "Exactly. I want you to just be curious about these things. You can come out realizing all the answers remain the same, and that is okay. As long as you took the time to think about it and make sure."
I nodded, "Okay, I think I can do that. Is that why you asked Ray not to come along?"
He laughed, "Sort of, I wanted to take you to do something you like. Then I realized, I had no idea what you liked. I knew what Ray would want to do today, but I didn't know what Rita would want to do. I mean I don't even know if you have ever been here, but I know I like it here, so I made it our first stop until we figured out where to go next."
I thought for a minute. I have never been here, I wasn't even sure what was around here. I knew I liked this place though, it was nice and peaceful. "Well, what is there to do around here?"
He thought for a moment, "Okay, so on this road we have mini golf, go karts, movie theater, farmers market, musem, escape room. I think a couple of miles away there are nature trails. I mean that is all I can think of, if you want to try something else, I am sure we can find it."
I tried really hard to think, and it was surprisingly hard to think of what I really wanted to do. Usually I would just let Ray decide. "Okay, so first let's try the musem, no the farmers market. Then the musem and maybe go karts." As excited as I was to spend time with Matthew alone, I kind of wanted to just be curled up in bed with him watching a movie and stuffing our faces. But he made the effort and I wanted to make the effort too. He did have a point, a very good one. I had to at least try. "Then maybe we can go home and listen to some music. I think I have pretty much let Ray pick all the music we listen to."
Matthew smiled and we strolled through the garden and did everything on my list. As much fun as go karts is, I actually enjoyed the farmers market and the musem more. I discussed it with Matthew on the way home. I think my tolerance for "fun" was a bit different than everyone else's. I felt better in a calmer environment where I was engaged.
Matthew said he would find more things for us to do. He decided we should try it every Sunday, take a day or just a few hours and do something I enjoyed. Didn't matter if him or Ray didn't enjoy it, we would go do it.
When we got home, I was surprised to see Ray was home already. I was sure he would stay out until I told him we were back home.
Matthew went to go shower and I went looking for Ray. I didn't want to tell Matthew, but I kind of missed Ray. It was so weird, it was just really hard being away from him. It had to be a twin thing because I know he gets the same way.
His door was closed, as usual. I opened it and couldn't help the loud yelp I let out when I looked inside. I quickly slammed the door shut. I took a deep breath and opened it again. Again, I yelled and slammed it shut. I wanted to triple check what I just saw, but I was also really confused. I opened the door again and let it slam against the wall and stared at Ray and Victor sitting on Ray's bed frozen in very close proximity of each other.
"Um" was the only thing that came to mind. I could tell the both of them were fighting really hard not to look at me. I just couldn't stop staring at them. Now I had a new image stuck in my head, Ray and Victor making out.
"Are you okay?" I heard Matthew yell from the bathroom.
"Yeah!" I said back while keeping my eyes on them. They hadn't moved.
"So..." Ray finally said "Uh-"
"Did you know the room door locks?" I say.
He cleared his throat, "Uh, yes, yes I did. Thought you'd be out all day."
I awkwardly scratched my neck and looked away from them, "Wanted to come home and tell you what we did today." I cleared my throat just to do it. "Is uh...is this the first time?"
"Yeah." They both said together. They looked up at each other as they said it.
"Okay, so I think I'll just go downstairs. Might even just go outside for a minute and try to...forget."
I jetted out of Ray's room as fast I could. I don't think I have ever felt more awkward in my life. I couldn't even register what I had just seen. My brother, the ladies' man, the one every single girl in school drooled over and Victor, the guy who tried to hit on me his first week of school.
Right as I had that thought, something occurred to me, the story Matthew told me. He tried to befriend Ray so that he could meet me. The more I thought into, the more I had to stop myself. I couldn't think like that. I couldn't jump ahead and assume things.
I didn't really feel like going outside, so I sat in the kitchen. I knew Ray would be down any second.
As if he knew I was thinking of him, he sat next to me. I couldn't look at him.
"I don't know how it happened. One minute we are talking, the next it was... that." I could tell he was struggling to explain himself. "I -"
"Have you known for a while?"
"Known what?"
"That you're gay...or bi? I don't know, you know what I mean."
"I-" he froze, he didn't think I'd ask him this. "I'm not sure. I mean I'm confused too."
"Did you want it to happen?"
I looked at him and he avoided my eyes and gave a single nod.
"It's okay, if you did. I'm not mad at you Ray. I'm just extremely shocked. I'm honestly not even sure what to think. Like there is nothing wrong with what you did, I just never expected it, from either of you. So, tell me how it happened."
Ray stared down at the counter really hard, he was embarrassed. I put hand on his back and leaned my head on his shoulder. "You have nothing to be embarrassed about Ray."
He nodded, "I've known about it for a couple of weeks now. I don't know how to describe it. Just talking to him more and more... I don't know. We kind of had a connection. And it's not like oh I am attracted to every guy now, it's just him. Right now, I am only attracted to Victor." he froze when he said the words out loud. I knew it was the first time he admitted it.
"And that's okay. Victor is nice, he is a good guy."
"I think that was part of it. Everyone I date, no one will ever accept you or us the way Matthew does. He just fit in so well and after that one day at the school, he treated you the way I wanted everyone to treat you. I think that might be how it started."
"That's not the only reason though, right? I mean you don't have to switch teams just so you can be with someone that accepts me or us."
He laughed, "Shut up, Rita. No, that isn't the only reason, it was just how I think it started."
"How did you know he was interested back? I mean he started off trying to hit on me."
"Well, he was interested in you. I don't know what happened there but I guess we both kind of had a mutual feeling. We've been talking about hanging out the last couple of days. Then when Matthew asked me today, I decided I would see if it was all in my head or not. We were playing video games in the living room. And I don't know, it was like we touched by mistake or something and I think we just knew. Like we didn't have a discussion about it first, it was more of a look and next thing I knew he was following me to my room and not even ten minutes later, in you walk."
"So, go back up there and talk to him, I guess. Or make out some more, I don't know."
He smiled, "I think talking needs to be done first. I am pretty confused myself."
"You and me both."
Ray headed back towards the stairs and turned around, "Don't tell anyone."
"I'm telling Matthew."
"He doesn't count."