I couldn't just eat.
The second the door closed behind me, I fell back into it and slid down until my butt hit the floor. With my hands to my lips, I let my mind race: I couldn't just go out with him, eat, and pretend that what I just saw didn't happen; I couldn't just be his friend.
I saw it in his eyes, a fire that burned; I felt it in his touch, the heat beneath his fingers. There was a longing there, a need, something that probably developed over the months of knowing me. And now, right now, he was vulnerable, right? He had a bad day, he was discouraged and hurting, and a friend would be the one to share a shake with him and tell him it was okay.
A part of me told me I should do it, I should be that shoulder for him. I just—I couldn't. Why? Because that fire, that heat—I felt it, too. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think of him endlessly at night, or dream of him in a way that left me tangled in my blankets. Going to a diner with him, sharing a plate of fries, would not only be doing him harm but me, too.
He needed to be just Brian tonight—not Brian and Kay.
I need a reason. A voice.
Slowly, I reached into my pocket for my phone. If there was a single person who could tell me a simple yes or no, it was Jun. And it wasn't like I hadn't reached out to my brother before with boy problems. It was the norm in my teens. Jun always had the best advice, too.
But when I opened my call log to ring him, he didn't answer. My phone buzzed and buzzed in my hands, yet... nothing. "Please leave a message for—" my phone said, but I hung up before it even gave me the option to leave a voicemail.
Biting my lip, I pressed my head against the door. "Doesn't take this long to get a purse, Kay..." I whispered to myself, squeezing my eyes shut.
But I need something, someone, anyone.
Opening one eye, I scrolled to my newest contact—Jade. I wasn't sure why... we didn't know each other. But she'd given me the option when she wrote her number on my hand. She was open to text messages, gossip, and all that. And right now I just needed a yes or no. She didn't need the whole situation. I just needed... a push in a direction.
Even though it could be the wrong way... Apps had burned me worse, anyway.
I tapped the small envelope under Jade's name and typed, Hey, it's Kay. You know, book shop girl. I just need you to tell me yes or no.
A minute passed. And another. I couldn't help but glance at the door, wondering if Brian had become impatient. Maybe he'd up and leave me here. Yes, yes, maybe he'll give up and I don't have to do this.
But... as I thought that, my phone buzzed. Jade's name appeared on the notification. Um, weird hi, but whatever. What's the yes or no, too? Am I burying a body? I need to know these things.
I could've laughed, should've laughed, but I didn't have the time. Quickly, I responded, Just a yes or no, Jade. That's all. Aha.
The next text didn't take long to arrive. Just seconds. I sighed in relief as I read Jade's response, Ok, well then... no.
Thanks! No one ever understood my roulette process of elimination, but I accepted Jade's "No," and stood. It was the little push I needed. So, while I sucked in a breath, I turned to open the door and give Brian my real response.
"Hey," I started to say, but when I looked back into the shop, I found I didn't have a response to give. I was silent. I forced my mouth shut.
Brian stood at the shop's front door with his back leaned against it. He looked down at his phone, fingers scrolling along the screen, oblivious to the look on my face.
See, he'd taken off his tee part-way, so half hung on one shoulder while leaving one bare. The one exposed to the warmth of the dim coffee shop lights had birthmarks and scars, like an intricate puzzle that didn't quite fit. When he breathed in, every lean muscle on him flexed, and the lines that made up old wounds moved, almost dancing on his skin.
I leaned into the door until it squeaked, and that was when Brian looked up, giving me that single dimple I loved too much.
He pressed his phone into his pocket. "Hey, ready?"
"Actually—" I closed the door behind me and meant to do it softly, but it almost slammed. "—I can't do the diner."
"Oh?" He stood straight and scratched the side of his head. "Why?"
Because Jade said no and Jun didn't answer his phone and...
"Is it because it's a diner? Don't do burgers? Oh, come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen you eat meat. Vegetarian? Vegan?"
All while he spoke, he walked to me as I walked to him. Though he seemed excited and energetic, I couldn't help but feel guilty.
"There's this sandwich place just opposite way; usually open until midnight on weekends. We could go there, grab you something meatless, or even just a smoothie, in case you eat right all the time?"
He ended it with a question, immediately fishing for answers I wanted to give. It made me laugh because I wanted to tell him I could eat two horses and a cow on some days, but on others, I preferred just a berry bush. Still, either meal wouldn't work tonight, and I needed to put my petite foot down and let him know. Politely.
"Look, Brian," I sighed into a smile, "I understand what you're trying to do, but don't, okay?"
"Why?" Brian pulled his brow together, confused. "I want to make it up to you, do something right. What's wrong with that?"
I wanted to laugh, to hide my nervousness. "It's just one bad day, Brian," I said, looking up into his golden eyes. "I had one, you had one. Everyone has them"
"Kay, it still isn't right for me to treat you—er, or any of my employees that way. Can't I make it up to you?"
The way he spoke made me stop. Did he mean to just say me? Even more of a reason to distance myself. I couldn't just give in, not like this. I wanted it to be completely mutual, like an instant spark we both feel at the same time. His spark tonight... was need. He needed me to make him feel better. And I... I just...
"You have—" I looked down at my shoes as I stared at their red tips. "—you're a great guy, Brian, and one day won't change that. Remember, you're the one who gave me a chance, you gave me a job." I looked up at him again. "If it hadn't been for you, well, I'd probably be back at my parent's house. And besides.... I'm the one in the wrong today? Can't treat me when this should be a coaching or something. So..."
Brian listened, but it looked like he only partly listened. I knew it in the way he stood, the way he looked at me. He stood close enough, but still left a gap. His fingers played with the loop of his jeans.
"So, I think after the day you had, you need some Brian time—" I placed my hand on his chest. "—you know, instead of sandwiches, maybe have a drink? Just relax, and clear your head. I'll take a rain check on the diner. 'Kay?"
"Oh," he breathed the word but didn't look at me anymore. His shoulder slightly slumped forward in defeat, and inside, I beat myself up over it. I just... I didn't want him to go out with me, walk home with me, and possibly do something he'd regret in the morning, all because he needed a woman's touch.
Was that so wrong of me?
I slid my hand away from his chest and moved to walk past him. "I'll see you on Monday, Brian. Have a good—"
My feet only managed three steps to the door before his hand came out and grabbed my arm, pulling me back to him. I staggered but followed, and when I stood in front of him again, the look in his eyes froze me.
There it was again, that fire, that heat. I felt it coming off of him in waves. It pulsed through his fingers, spread through his hands, and seeped into the skin of my arm where he held me. Without saying a word, he lifted one hand to brush his fingers over my cheek until his thumb reached my mouth; he let it slide over my bottom lip, slowly pulling down until my mouth parted slightly and I let out a soft breath.
"Kay, I..." he started to say but didn't finish. He simply looked at me and brushed his thumb over my lip again.
Inside, I fought with myself.
I didn't want to give in because of what it might be, but the bigger part of my mind—the hopeless romantic fueled by love stories and colorful rom-coms—chimed in, reminding my brain that sometimes my heart was right to choose. That the need he felt, the desire in his eyes, was the same as mine, and finally—just finally—I could have the night I'd been looking for.
The only problem was—as my brain argued back—was I didn't want just a night, or a week. I wanted forever, and if Brian was the guy, I wouldn't just want tonight, but I'd need yesterday, and tomorrow, and always.
"Brian, I—" I opened my mouth to speak, but he took the chance. He covered my mouth in a kiss, one so hot I melted in his hands. That heat, that fire, it shot off his skin. It crept up his body and into me, sliding down into my chest where my heart exploded ten times over. My legs turned into jelly, but I didn't fall, because his hand found the space on the small of my back; where his palm pressed, bringing my hips to his, my leg between his.
Just as I'd done earlier, I followed his non-verbal commands; my lips followed his, my hands matched his. We kissed our way onto the table and pushed it slightly. It screeched, the sound echoing in the space around us, but we didn't stop. At least, not until he dropped me down in a booth and hovered over me with hard, deep breaths.
His eyes were dark with passion when he looked at me, and again, his thumb came to my lips before he leaned all the way down, weight on me, and pressed his forehead to mine. "Can I walk you home?" he asked me, his breath like steam on my neck.
I shuddered, staring up at the ceiling, at the bronze fan that didn't move. My hands slid up over his head until they went down into his half-placed shirt, feeling the heat on his back. I felt him move, breathe, ready to ask again, but I responded before he could.
"Yes."
|||
Our normal thirty-minute walk ended in ten, and I barely locked my apartment door because Brian pressed me up against it. He kissed me again, deeper this time like I was the medicine that lulled his ache. This time, my brain lost the war with my heart, and I allowed myself to take it, all of it because he was willing to give it to me.
At that moment, we were one; our breathing matched, and our heartbeats raged on just the same. When I let out a sigh, he inhaled it sharply, and when he touched my chest, I slid my hand along his neck. We were synchronized shadows in my dark apartment. I'd experienced nothing like it.
Breaking the kiss, Brian pressed his forehead to mine and moved his hand to my neck lovingly. His finger pressed slightly, his thumb rubbing just under my ear, but then he let go and let his hand slide down the side of my waist.
I was breathless.
"We can stop whenever you want, Kay, just say the word," he breathed, looking into my eyes. "I won't make you do anything you don't want to."
"I want to," I whispered, tugging the shirt he never fixed over his head. It landed on the space beside our feet. "I want you."
I've wanted you since I first saw you...
"Kay..." Brian let his hand loop around my hip, closing the space between us. Dreamy, bedroom eyes searched mine in a drunken gaze. I watched his mouth part like he wanted to say something, but he closed it to kiss me instead.
I let him. I wanted him to.
With staggered, unbalanced steps—while never breaking our kiss—I took Brian's hand and led him through my kitchen and tiny living room until we stepped into my bedroom on the right.
We crashed down into my blankets, sliding up the bed enough to pull the sheets off the sides. He laughed as his foot got caught in a corner, and I giggled when he kicked it off. To make it even, he kicked off the other. And like that, heavy sighs replaced our quiet laughs when our lips met again.
I was far from a virgin, but my experience was slim. Before the awkward nights, I could count on my right hand, there was just Mario, no one else. But Brian? He was something else. The way he expertly lifted my shirt over my head in one swoop, the way his hand undid the button of my jeans. Watching him move was mesmerizing. The way he kissed my skin was enough.
Brian was more than enough.
"Kay, I—" He paused above me, hips pressed between my legs. Even with half of our clothes still on, I felt every part of him. He leaned down as I waited for him to finish his sentence, but he never found the words. He simply kissed me again.
Mentally, I filled in the words for him, as he balanced his weight on one arm to kiss me deeply. Kay, I like you; I want you. Kay, I need you so.