My knees are shaking in the sleek green silk gown, but no one can see. I'm crying, no one notices. My hands are balled into fist but they're completely relaxed. I'm fainting, but still conscious.
The garden surrounding me used to appear colourful, exciting and beautiful. All the flowers are dead now, despite them blooming brightly. The world has turned gray, loudly screeching at me, going on and on and on, in an endless innuendo: "Stupid, stupid, stupid".
Stupid. Stupid to believe I had a fair chance in the Selection, a fair chance in winning his heart. Stupid to never having accepted that every moment might well be the last.
Stupid to believe I could afford falling in love blindly, head over heels and heart skyhigh over head.
Stupid to believe that I could be queen. So stupid.
When Marvrillia left, she left with grace, waving at the camera when they sent her off, waving and smiling at me, whispering in my ear that she knew I'd win when she hugged me goodbye. I ponder hating her for giving me the confidence that I could win.
Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away, a voice sings lightly in my head. Another piece of Marvrillia, the snippets of songs she left in my ears.
Now I'm also crying because of losing her, my only true friend.
The green dress has earthy stains, brown and green, adorned by red splashs of blood from my torn up arms from when I ripped off all the roses that looked like the one Calyx left with me with the locked book. The book lies in front of me know, looking just as dirty and ragged as I do.
Jessamine's note is still clutched in my hand, stained by blood and tears and bits of lightly purple rose petals.
"Help me, Ilva, you're the only one who could talk some sense into him! Please help me!"
Short and full of meaning, but forcing me into a deep conflict. I don't quite understand why exactly she should need my help out of all people, but everything Jess does has a sense, that had been clear right from the start.
I don't know what makes me help her in the end. Maybe it is the slight hope that maybe she will help me stay in the palace at the end of the day. The sun is sinking steadily, reminding me of how little time I have left.
The book is tightly clutched in my steady hands. The quivering has stopped the moment I decided to talk to him. I do not dare saying his name anymore, not even in my head. It just hurts too much.
At first I have no idea where to look for him, so I let my feet carry me without my help.
I end up in the library and cannot help but notice the irnoy. The library is the place where it all started, the place I fell in love with him, the place I learned that Marvrillia would leave in the evening, the place I love and loath at the same time.
It smells just like it did when I firsr entered it, but the magic is gone.
The aisles don't seem to come to an end, no matter how deep into the library I walk. It no more my goal to reach Calyx, but the end of the library, as if everything would change once I reached the end of the room full if histories and stories and maybe his stories.
The painting at the end of the room almost knocks me straight down as I plummet into my second artwork in only a few weeks.
However, this one decided not to fall on top of me but just sways and hits the ground once the nails holding it, give away.
It is another magical scene, showing a greek ancient palace and a group of people standing in front of it. They all wear silver and golden clothing, carrying a strange object. In the middle stands a man, towering over the others by almost a foot. His hand clutches a golden bolt of lightning. I remember him from my latin courses in school: Zeus, or Iuppiter, whatever you want to call him. The father of gods surrounded by his fellow gods and goddesses. He looks suspiciously like the king and I look away immediately. To his right, there is his queen, Hera or Iuno in this case. I also recognise Calyx and Jessamine. And off on the right, there is Athena. I remember Hades once saying that I was worse than Athena with my thrive for knowledge and cannot helo but think that this Athena looks the slightest bit like me. This thought makes me smile the slightest bit, but it is better than tears again.
I look up and notice a thin dark line in the wallpaper. Stretching my hand out high, I trace the line with my finger tips. It's a crack in the wall, I decide, but then notice that it takes a curve at one end and leads towards the floor. A door then. My curiosity takes over and I move the painting to the side, discovering a slim door with a keyhole but no door knob. No way to get in then. The keyhole is heartshaped and I feel my heart take a sudden leap. The key to my heart. The words written onto my locked book come into my mind and I take a close look at the dirtied work of paper and wood. The lock can only be opened with a word, I realise when I spot the line of As on the spine. With quivering hands, I type in the most illogical word that I can imagine and press a finger onto the tiny green button.
The lock clicks and the book opens up, showing a hollow space with only a key inside.
I take the key and thrust it into the keyhole, whilst the book clutters to the floor, the spine now adorned by the word 'Athena'.
When the key turns in the hole, I stop breathing. Then I push the door open and step into a dimly lit study. The chair at the desk is facing the window behind.
"So you actually managed to open the book", a cool voice to my right observes. Calyx.
"Looks like I did." My own voice is arctic.
"And what leads you here, may I inquire?"
I open the hand that clutches Jess' note.
"Your sweet sister asking for my help."
This seems to take him by surprise, because he has nothing to respond to this. Finally I turn to look at him. He seems dishevelled, tired. And drunk. A half empty bottle with golden liquid sits on the table in front of him.
"What are you doing here?", I ask, cautiously taking a step towards him.
"Escaping reality, dearest Ilva. What else am I supposed to be doing here?"
Without any further warning, fury rises in me and I explode.
"Oh I don't know? Maybe finally trying to get your shit together and face your father?
Maybe finally making a decision on your own? How many others have you let go even though you would have rather kept them, huh?
How many hearts do you think you have broken so far, just because you cannot make a single decision without your godforsaken father's consent?
But no, the precious prince of Iléa is not fucking able to do anything without running to his daddy!
How much of a bloody moron can a single person be!
You think that this is just a game, right?
Just a show where you get to meet pretty girls that fight over you like starving children over a piece of bread! You probably even enjoy sending us home, don't you?!
It's fun to see these girls breaking and tearing up!
You disgust me, Calyx!
What kind of person are you to let your father go around and mock us, tell us we are unworthy the food we get here?
You told me that you'd fight for every single of us, but what do you really do? Hide in a dark corner and kill reality with booze! You're a freaking coward, you unworthy little shit! And I don't care anymore if I might anger or hurt you, because you hurt all of us so much more! I'm going home tonight anyways, so I might as well spare the other girls a bit of pain!
You listen to me now, little prince! You-"
His wide eyed stare makes me stop my rant for a second.
When he opens his mouth to speak, his voice is small and sounds almost shocked.
"You are what? Ilva, stop this mockery, no one's going home tonight!" His voice is slurred and his eyes seem to lose focus evey once in a while.
"Well guess what, I am! So would you kindly explain to me, why the hell you are unable to tell me yourself that you think I'm a little slut? Don't look like that, that's what your father said when I ran from his office!
Would you like to explain to me why he accuses me of having abused Jess when she had her talk with me? Would you mind telling me why he assumes that I already seduced you?
Why does he assume that I'm conspiring with the rebels and planning to get Jessamine and you and the whole royal family killed?
He told me that I could never give the throne a goddammed heir, because I'm infertile and dirty and sick!
For heaven's sake, he said that I was planning the murder of multiple people and you just sit there and watch, you worthless piece of shit! And I'm starting to believe that big imbecile, because I could really kill you right now for being such an ignorant stupid brat!
Really, for all I care you could jump out of that window and shatter on the ground and I wouldn't weep a single tear!
You're dead to me, Calyx! And I'm happy to leave!"
With this, I turn around and run from a study the second time today. Only this second, someone follows me, calling my name and tripping over his own feet.
"Ilva, please! You can't leave, not like this! If this really is our goodbye, I don't want it to end this way!"
He is behind me all of a sudden and grasps my wrist so tightly, it hurts.
Then my back is pressed against a bookshelf and my arms are pinned to my side.
"You can't leave, Ilva. I mean it. Why do you think, I gave you the key? Just so you could sneak around my study? I wanted you to find it, so you knew that you are something special. And I really think you are!
You are right, with everything you said and I hope that you can forgive me one day and that you can understand that I really have no chanve against my father. He js the king after all, Ilva, I cannot just go around defying him as I want!
My life might seem all easy and wonderful to most, but I know that you know the truth. You know that it is not half as easy as the whole od Iléa believes! I have been raised to be king one day and I have been taught to listen to my father. No one taught me how to fight! Jessamine taught it herself, but I never dared to! If I have learned one thing in the Selection, it is that I have to fight in order to end up at least half happy! I let many of the others go willingly, others because I had to. But I won't let you go, Ilva! I'm going to fight for you, every minute if I must. I won't lose you. Not today and not like this. Most certainly not because of my father."
All I can do is stare at him. His eyes have a feverish gleam, almost as if he has lost his mind now.
It takes me all my mental strength not to fall for this eyes all over again, like I did on that first night in the library.
He seems to notice my internal struggle. Gently, he cups my cheeks with his soft hands and all if sudden the words just spill over my lips.
"I love you, Calyx." Four words that could change everything, but also nothing if this is my last talk with him.
He just smiles. It's that private, wonderful smile he has also granted me when we had our date and the tiniest part of hope flickers in my soul.
"I know you do, bella Ilva."
And then all thoughts leave my head as he leans in and presses his lips onto mine.
I never imagined my first kiss to be with the prince of Iléa, most certainly not after I just yelled at him for being the kingdom's biggest moron.
But still he kisses me. His lips taste of alcohol mostly, but also of a faint nuance of raspberries and coffee. They are soft and rough at the same time and the kiss is sincere and true and the only thing in the world that matters for me now.
When we break apart, my head is spinning and my knees are so weak that only his strong arms keep me standing.
Our foreheads pressed together, he stares into my eyes, and I stare into his and the world keeps spinning and we are caught in a timeless bubble that we are both afraid to break.
"I won't let him take you from me, Ilva. Never. I pro-" Gently, I lay a finger on his slightly swollen lips.
"Don't. We both know that you cannot decide entirely on your own. I don't want you to have to break a promise."
He nods ever so lightly. "Then at least let ne vow that I will do my best to convince the whole kingdom, if need be, that you can stay here with me.
And now, sweet Ilva, I've got to go. There's work to do. Take care of yourself, promise me! I will see you tonight."
Then he presses the book into my hands.
He kisses me on the brow and turns around to leave.
At the door, he turns around.
"Ilva? The book is not empty yet."
---------------------
It is already rather late when a guard knocks on my door. Calyx' book is clutched tightly in my hand and I do not plan on letting go of it yet. It is my last flicker of hope.
The formerly hollow space was filled again when I opened it, back in my room. An envelope adressed to 'Bella Ilva' had been lying in the hollowed out space.
It also said to only open it, should I have to leave. I opened it anyway, curiosity winnung once again.
The beautiful words blurred in front of my eyes when I first read them.
The guard guides me out of the huge palace entrance.
A carriage is waiting in the cloudless night. Next to it, Calyx is standing, his head hanging as if he was still in a fight with himself.
I remember the words from the letter he left me, but also the song, he sent along. It is one of Marvrillia's, but fits us so perfectly, that I almost felt my heart break.
"You're far away in a lonesome land. And you've left behind a lonesome man.
A shadow carries over you. I never had a chance to do the things you wanted, the things you would. The things that haunted, I never could."
He looks troubled and has tears in his eyes, when he takes my hands in his.
"Ilva, I'm glad we met. And I'm glad we tried. I have one regret: we got one goodbye."
I recognise the words from the song.
It went on, saying that he would miss my laugh, the way I smile, but also that he would find another way, where day is night and night is day.
It is this moment that I know that all hope might be lost for us. But it does not matter to me anymore, because I love him and I am sure that a part of him loves me.
"You already read it, didn't you?", he asks, his gaze wandering over the book in my hands. I nod and he smiles.
"Then you also know that I really come in pieces, bella Ilva."
I nod again, adding a soft smile.
"You know what, Calyx? It doesn't matter if you come in pieces. I am good at puzzling."
The joke is weak, but enough to make him chuckle lightly.
My next question is full of doubts and fears.
"So... is this our one goodbye?"