i got the impression you wanted more
-
Four years later, and Camila hasn't thought about Lauren Jauregui in years.
After she'd cut that toxicity out of her life, she was so much happier. Sure, she had a lot of heartbreak over losing her best friend, but it's not like Lauren was her best friend anymore. In reality, she'd lost her a long time ago.
She'd kept working on her YouTube channel, and by her eighteenth birthday, she hit one million subscribers, and it was her full-time occupation. School was still lonely, but she's made friends with some other YouTubers, and she meets them all in person at her first ever VidCon, where she's a featured creator. She has to speak on a panel, which is probably the scariest thing she's ever done, but she gets to meet her viewers and thank them for everything they've done for her, and meet her YouTuber friends in person at the creator party. She'd felt a little out of place, but Dinah Jane, a beauty guru with four million subscribers had walked over to her and invited her back up to her hotel room with a few other people that Camila had practically idolised over the years.
The second she graduated, she moved out to LA and into a house with her best friends, Dinah Jane Hansen, Normani Kordei Hamilton, two of the biggest beauty channels on the platform, and Ally Brooke Hernandez, who specialises in cooking videos, but occasionally branches out into comedy with a few characters she's created; the most popular series on her channel is where she plays a character called Yolanda and interviews other YouTubers with hilarious results.
That's where she's been ever since, her hobby as her job, financially secure at nineteen years old, and finally happy.
"I need some Cheetos or I'm going to kill every single one of you."
Camila snorts as Dinah sits up on the couch, shooting daggers at her. "Bad cramps?"
"Yes, now get your not so little Cuban ass to the store," Dinah glares at her, lying back on the makeshift bed she'd created on the couch and flipping through the channels. "Otherwise I'll murder everyone in this house."
Camila is used to Dinah's empty threats at this point, but she leaves her video half-edited and stands up, grabbing her keys. She's in her sweatpants, but she doesn't care, deciding that she'll pick up some bananas while she's there. "Ally, Mani, you guys want anything?"
"I'm good," Normani says, sitting down on couch adjacent to the one Dinah is stretched out on and pulling her socks off, unscrewing the cap on the red nail polish she's holding. "Ally?"
Ally just nods, concentrating on setting up her camera in the kitchen. "Yeah, I need vanilla essence for these cookies and I forgot I'd used it all."
Camila nods, making a mental note, and grabs her wallet from where she normally leaves it, leaving the house and trying to avoid the judgemental looks she receives for wandering around in sweatpants. She figures she'll go to a store a little further out, away from where their house is; the area in LA that they live in is heavily populated with YouTubers, and with that, comes the fans that like to stalk them, and she'd much rather not be asked for a photo when she hasn't showered and she's wearing sweats.
She gets an Uber and doesn't give her driver a destination, just stops when she thinks she's far enough from their neighbourhood, and thanks him as he gets out. She looks for a grocery store, and finds that she's close to the UCLA campus when she sees students, grabbing something for their lunch. She grabs a basket, and finds some flamin' hot Cheetos for Dinah, dumping them in. Wandering around the baking supplies, she gets what Ally had asked for, and walks over to the fruit. This is the part that requires the most attention; Camila likes to have the best quality bananas at the perfect stage of ripeness.
"Camila?"
At that voice, Camila's heart stops in her chest. No, she thinks, she can't be here, she should be in Miami, working nine to five and living with her parents, everyone said she'd dropped out of high school or gotten herself arrested—
Her train of thought slams into a wall as she meets those hauntingly familiar green eyes. She's still frozen when Lauren sends her a shy smile, because that is the last reaction she'd expect.
"Hi," Lauren says, awkwardly rocking on her heels and playing with the bottle of water in her hands, "it's- um, I didn't know you lived here."
"I've been here for a year..." Camila manages to get out, her throat tight with worry, "I didn't know that you did..."
As she trails off, she looks at her, really sees her. She's older, obviously; she'd be twenty now, Camila realises. Her hair, naturally a dark brown, had been dyed black, and Camila can see the small silver hoop in her left nostril. She's smiling more; in fact, Camila can see evidence of smile lines starting to leave their faint mark. It's Lauren's eyes that she notices the most; towards the end of their friendship, they'd always been dull and grey, but now they seem to have the same bright green sparkle that they'd had the day she'd saved her from a bully.
"Yeah, I'm here for college, actually. I go to UCLA. I'm a junior." Lauren explains, and Camila tries to make an interested sort of noise as she looks for an escape route. "I have to go, I just stopped in here to grab a bottle of water and something to eat before class, but... yeah. It was nice to see you, you look really good. If you want to hang out sometime... I still have the same number."
Before Camila can even react to that, Lauren sends her a small smile and leans around her to grab a turkey sandwich from the fridge to Camila's left, before she heads off towards the checkouts, hips swaying as she walks.
Camila stands there, completely frozen, until someone bumps into her, and she grabs the bunch of bananas she'd been eyeing, quickly checks out, and orders an Uber back to her house in a daze, remembering the last time she'd seen Lauren's eyes that bright.
2012
They've been walking around Disney for around half an hour, Lauren dawdling behind them as their parents debate which ride they should go on first, if they should bother joining the queue for any of the classic rides. Camila feels a little awkward; she's close with her parents, and she knows Mr and Mrs Jauregui and Lauren's siblings, but it's Lauren she doesn't know anymore. They barely talk, which is why she hates that they've brought her on this trip. She wishes she'd had some kind of warning.
She sighs, looking back at Lauren, and wondering if she should talk to her. She isn't sure she wants to, but she also wants her best friend back more than anything. She should extend an olive branch, right?
She slows her pace, and is level with Lauren after a few moments. Awkwardly, she clears her throat to get the older girl's attention, and Lauren looks up, eyes grey and dull like the sky before a storm. "Um..."
After a few moments of silence, Lauren bites down on her bottom lip and asks, "Are you okay?"
She's surprised by the question, but she's also a little shocked by how different Lauren's voice is. It's raspier and husky, and it just reminds Camila how much more grown up she is, and she hates that it matters now. It never used to matter, that they were a year apart.
"I was actually going to ask you the same question," Camila replies, barking out a laugh. "You looked kind of sad, and Disney is supposed to be a happy place..."
Lauren looks down at her feet and shrugs. "Just... don't really want to be here. I had plans."
Of course you did, Camila thinks bitterly, and she wonders if those plans had anything to do with drugs. Most of her plans seemed to; Camila is pretty sure she hasn't seen Lauren sober since she first started high school.
That's when she realises; she's sober now. Even Lauren isn't stupid enough to bring whatever she's been taking to Disney with their parents. Camila generalises it all; she'd assumed it was just marijuana, but when Lauren's sleeve had rolled up earlier, she'd seen a few angry red marks on the inside of her arm, right where her veins were, and she isn't sure if she's more angry or worried.
Shaking the thought from her head and reminding herself that she's not Lauren's keeper, that she's not even Lauren's friend anymore, she plasters on a smile. "Well, um, do you want to sit with me on whatever ride our parents settle on?"
Lauren is quiet for a few moments, but nods, rubbing at her eyes with the back of her hand as she yawns. Camila takes the silent answer as the stop talking to me, and picks up her pace, walking away from the older girl. A few moments later, when their parents decide to get in the line for Space Mountain, Lauren matches Camila's pace, and she takes her hand as they walk.
Camila is startled, but when she looks up at Lauren as if to ask why, the older Latina keeps her gaze straight ahead. That had been the only development Camila was hoping for, but once they've ridden Space Mountain, it's like whatever demon that had been possessing her best friend is suddenly exorcised, because Lauren grabs her hand the moment they're off the ride and fixes her with an electric grin, green eyes bright and vibrant as she tugs her over to the gift shop area. "Camz, oh my god, we have to see our ride photo!"
Camila follows her in a daze, and laughs along with Lauren as they find their picture, but she's more focused on how possibly every cell in her body is bubbling with joy. Lauren had called her Camz for the first time in ages.
Camila is wary, though; she waits until the day is over, for them to wind down, but Lauren snuggles up next to her in bed, head on her shoulder and Nala cuddled to her chest, and she wonders if she's finally got her best friend back.
On day three, they go on the classic rides, saving Peter Pan's Flight for last. Lauren jumps in the ride car after her and pulls the bar over their laps before Mike can join them, quickly linking her fingers with the younger girl's. Camila smiles, practically used to the older girl's touch again, and their car sets off with a shaky jolt.
Even though she's a teenager and she's not supposed to like this ride, it's her favourite in the park. Camila has always loved these slower rides, where there's all sorts of little things to look at, because it makes her think of how much work went into it to create such an experience.
She turns to Lauren when their car gets to the little room, remodelled to look like London in the night, like they're flying through the sky, completely invincible. "This is my favourite part."
Lauren stares at her in so much awe, and her eyes are so bright even in the darkened room when she leans in and presses a gentle kiss to Camila's lips. "You're my favourite part."
Camila's stomach twists and turns, because it's not like the other kiss they'd shared, the one that left her so confused, because this time she is kissing the girl with the bright eyes and the soft smiles. This time it's not some weird power play, it's not complicated, Lauren isn't fucking high, it's just the two of them, and Camila swears that's when she truly falls for her.
After the ride, Lauren tugs her to the gift shop and buys her a little Stitch keychain, looking at her with so much adoration that Camila wonders whether she could truly feel the same way.
Everything seems fine when they say goodbye at the cars, getting ready for the drive back to Miami; Lauren and her family are just going straight home. She hugs Camila goodbye, and lingers a little too long for it to be platonic, but before Camila can ask her about it, she sends her a bright smile, thanks her for an amazing week and ducks into the car, buckling herself in.
When school rolls around on Monday, Camila is practically bouncing with anticipation. She hadn't texted Lauren all weekend, since they'd been together for an entire week, and when her mom drops her off at school, she runs in the building, in search of the older girl. When she sees her at her locker, she grins, and runs over, grabbing her arm, "Hey!"
Lauren winces and pulls her arm back, and when Camila meets her gaze, her eyes are dull and grey again, and she's looking at Camila like she's a complete stranger. "What?"
Camila swallows the lump in her throat, mumbles nothing, and runs into the bathroom to cry her eyes out.
Camila pushes the memory away, but it's hard when she spots that little worn Stitch on her keychain, remembering just how heartbroken she'd been when she reached the crushing realisation that she hadn't gotten her best friend back.
Just when she's convinced herself that this doesn't matter, that Lauren doesn't matter, she walks in through the front door of their house, throws the bag of Cheetos at Dinah, and sits down, still shellshocked.
Ally takes the vanilla from her with a concerned look. "You look like you've just seen a ghost."
"That's because I have," Camila finally gets out, eyes still wide as she looks around at her concerned roommates. Even Dinah, who is a moody bitch on her period, looks concerned. "I... you guys remember that- that old friend of mine. The one I told you about, who became all toxic. Lauren."
"Yeah?" Normani looks up from painting her nails, and it seems to click in her head. "Did you run into her?"
Camila nods rigidly. "Mhm. She told me... um, that if I wanted to hang out, I should call. If I wanted."
There's a silence after that, because the girls know how much Camila missed Lauren, the real Lauren, not what she became. The quiet is broken by Dinah, as usual. "Obviously you have to call her."
"What?" Ally looks over at Dinah like she's sprouted another head. "She can't do that. She's told us how toxic this girl was before. Why would she let that back in?"
"Yeah, I'm with Ally, don't call her," Normani says, looking up from where she's doing her nails, "she had her chance and blew it."
"But she wasn't toxic all the time, just near the end, when she fell in with the wrong people," Camila says, and she doesn't even know why she's defending her, especially after what she'd been thinking about, "I'm just saying... she was good to me for so long and I... she was just-"
"You told us yourself, you fell in love with your best friend who was toxic and she broke you," Ally argues with her, "don't call her. You have no evidence that she's changed."
Camila nods along, pushing Dinah's comment out of her head. "Yeah, you're right. Lauren is toxic. I shouldn't call. Thanks, guys."
So, when she takes her laptop up to her bedroom with the intention of finishing her video editing, she doesn't call. She puts her phone down on her desk, and turns back to her laptop, and manages ten minutes of editing before she can't help herself and grabs her phone.
Camz 💕 (1:09PM): hi
Camz 💕 (1:10PM): it's camila by the way I forgot to mention that in my first text
She regrets sending them the instant she does it, but she locks her phone and pushes it away, assuring herself that Lauren won't reply, that she'd only said to get in contact to be polite, and—
Her phone buzzes.
Lauren (1:12PM): Don't worry, I knew it was you, I've never lost your number. It was really good to see you again. You looked great. Any reason you're texting?
Camila reads the words on the screen and doesn't know how to respond, but she can't tell the girls, because they'd tell her how stupid she is for texting (except maybe Dinah.)
Camz 💕 (1:15PM): you looked good too
She figures that avoiding the question all together might be better, but it all feels a little awkward and strained, and the answer you told me to isn't good enough.
Lauren (1:17PM): Can we just skip the awkward pleasantries? It's weird and I don't like it, so I'm just going to come right out and say it; I've missed you.
Camila stares down at the words, the words she's wished to see since the day they'd fought. Since before that, even. Lauren misses her. The thought makes her insides squirm, but the rational side of her understands that things with Lauren weren't all sunshine and rainbows; Lauren had led her on for almost a whole year, kissed her when she felt like it but ignored Camila's real feelings, and that doesn't even skim the surface of her behaviour back then.
But that was years ago, that little part of her, the part that has genuinely missed Lauren, pipes up, she could be different now. She could be herself again. She looked like it.
Yes, but she looked like it at Disney too, and we know how that worked out, Camila reminds herself, don't trust her.
Camz 💕 (1:20PM): i've missed you too
Camz 💕 (1:20PM): i'm messaging because if you're not busy we could maybe catch up?
She sends the message without thinking about it, already hearing the girls chastising her for her split-second decision. Ninety percent of the time, when you cut someone out of your life for their toxicity, it's not a smart idea to let them back in. But it's Lauren, and Camila will always have a special place in her heart for the tiny little girl who'd saved her from a bully.
But you don't know she's not still shooting herself up with whatever drug she can get, Camila reminds her, you can't be associated with that.
Lauren (1:24PM): Of course! I'd love that. When are you free?
Lauren (1:25PM): Sorry for slow replies, by the way. I'm in a lecture so I've got to be subtle.
Camz 💕(1:25PM): i can do pretty much any day except wednesdays/thursdays
She leaves out that those are her filming and editing days; she remembers Lauren's initial reaction to her YouTube, and how she'd laughed at it, told her it was lame that she spent so much time cooped up in her room filming when she should be out making friends, telling her that she was painting a target on her back. Camila had never mentioned that Lauren was the reason she was spending so much time on her own, because Lauren only bothered to contact her when her other, cooler friends were busy, or when she wanted a warm body to keep her occupied.
Lauren (1:29PM): I'm free on Fridays, so we could meet for lunch if you're down.
Lauren (1:30PM): Not going to lie, I specifically picked my classes so I would have my Fridays free. Nothing better than a long weekend. :)
The long weekend comment makes Camila worry, because of all the weekends Lauren would go out and get drunk and high on god knows what back in Miami. It makes her hesitant, because maybe Lauren hasn't changed, maybe she's still exactly the same and she's just putting up a front, but she tries to shake it off. No, she definitely seems more mature.
Camz 💕 (1:35PM): yeah haha i guess more time for you to go out with friends
Lauren (1:35PM): More like more time to sleep. When you're a college student, you need as much as you can get.
Lauren (1:36PM): Anyway, where do you want to meet for lunch? I'd offer to make it and invite you over, but my rent money just came out, so I'm living off ramen right now. Not exactly the most exquisite cuisine.
Camz 💕 (1:37PM): i don't mind just grabbing mcdonalds or something
Lauren (1:40PM): Alright. Where's your closest one? I'll meet you there. :)
Camila sends her the location, confirming the plans, and when she walks out to the kitchen to get a snack, Normani fixes her with a knowing look. "You called her, didn't you?"
"No," Camila answers, because it's not a lie, "I texted her. There's a difference."
"Of course you did," Normani rolls her eyes, "well, don't say we didn't warn you."
Camila forces a laugh as she digs around the fridge for a quick snack, hoping to god that Normani and Ally are wrong, and that things won't go the way they expect.
this video won't surprise any of you (i'm gay)
10,000,459 views
Camila Cabello ----------- SUBSCRIBE: 3.4M
Published on Sep 9, 2014
"So, hi," Camila announces, trying not to laugh as she looks at the camera, "I'm Camila, I'm seventeen, I'm gay, and I probably titled this video something really stupid."
Putting on a dramatic look, pretending like she's going to cry, she says, "I know it might be a shock to a lot of you... just kidding, all of you fucking knew, I just wanted to get me looking sad for a clickbait thumbnail. Anyway, I don't really know what to say now I've said that, so... see you next week, I guess."
The video cuts to Camila's outro card with all of her social media links, and just as the video ends, it cuts back to her, announcing, "Oh, yeah, and I've always known. Bye!"
[Write a comment...]
Camila Cabello: i can't believe i made a clickbaity thirty second video to come out and it hit ten million views two years later like wow you guys really have some low standards why did you let me get big on here
liked by normani, allybrooke and 49,532 others
camila_cabello: me when i see a girl i like
14 hours ago
dinahjane97: unfollowed blocked and reported
camila_cabello: do u exist just to mock me
dinahjane97: What are best friends for lol
camilizersss: wait but how did you take this if we can see both of your hands
camila_cabello: um fake fan you should know i have magical powers
laurenjauregui followed camila_cabello!