Evade-
To avoided or get away from.
...
Chapter 6
January 28th 1943
Surrey, England
A door was slammed shut and there was heavy footsteps approaching the quiet sanctuary of Zayn's bunk where the boy was currently laying, boringly staring up at the grey metal bars of the top bunk above him.
"Alright, Malik." A low voice rang from his side. "What the hell is going on with you?!"
Zayn didn't even spare a glance at his bunk mate waiting for an answer beside their shared bunk with crossed arms.
"Nothing." Zayn answered emotionless. His eyes glued on the metal bars like they were the most fascinating boring things to stare at.
Harry let out a snort in disbelief. "Bullshit, mate. You've been ignoring me for five bloody days including Liam. You've ditched the entire table!" He exclaimed, going into a crouch. "What the hell happened between you and Liam on the 23rd?"
Annoyed Zayn let out a long frustrated sigh and rolled over to his side, away from the other boy's prying intentions. Just the reminder of that day had him sick to his stomach. "Nothing." He repeated, drawing the one word out longer than before.
"Zayn." Harry calmed himself. He had to remember that even though he and Zayn were still somewhat new friends he needed to give him his space. "Look everyone misses you. Niall, Finn...Liam! He's been so quiet since you randomly decided to go sit at that daft table in the back."
"You know you can trust me, mate." He added in reminder to at least get Zayn to feel a bit comfortable with sharing what was egging him .
Then without giving a single thought, Zayn rolled his whole body over towards the concerned curly haired boy and flashed him an envious look. "Why can't I be like you? Confident with my self, my sexuality...have luck with a handsome man that's the same as me. I-fuck." He flipped onto his stomach to hide the shame on his face and the tone of his voice. Really it was a shame.
Being gay wasn't something to be proud of in that time, especially if you had feelings for a fucking straight man.
Harry had a very good idea of how bad Zayn felt. Not long ago he felt the same and even now he still did in a way. He had to keep quiet about his sexuality like Zayn. If either were sought out they'd be kicked out of the Army and if worst came to worse they'd be arrested and sent to jail for it. Harry wasn't so happy about being gay. He wasn't confident in himself like Zayn thought him to be. He just chose to accept what he was because there was no point in dwelling on it all your life.
Dwelling on something you can't change about yourself isn't worth dwelling on when you can have a good life and ignore what you are; instead of being so unhappy with yourself to the point it depresses you and controls you.
"Mate." Harry let out a sigh as he placed a comforting hand on his bunkmate's back. "I'm not confident in myself nor happy with what I am. I've just chosen to accept it. It's tough I know. Being gay isn't something to be proud of but what's the point of dwelling on it? Nothing will change. It's who we are. Once you see that fact and accept it you'll find yourself a lot happier."
Zayn just made a disagreeing grunt into his pillow. None of his words of advice sounded easy to him. Yeah, it wasn't something he could change. It was a curse. How could one be happy with being cursed and accept it like it was nothing?
His curly haired friend continued rubbing his back so softly. "Louis is a blessing to me. A real miracle." Zayn could gag at the intoxicating swoon that dripped off Harry's tongue. "And for you and Liam, maybe he's gay or bi himself. With the way he talks about you and how he looks at you. Maybe he needs you to be the one to help show him. To help open his eyes to the possibilities."
The raven haired boy grew curious at his friend's words. They sounded like a hilarious joke to Zayn though none of it was. It was all serious talk of course but it couldn't be true like Harry kept on mentioning. Liam wasn't gay. He didn't have feelings for Zayn like the boy had hoped deep down. If Harry only knew what happened on that horrid day. Like it would matter. There was no point in any of it if Harry wanted to get technical.
Flipping over, the young Bradford boy looked into the warm emerald eyes that stared back at him with sincerity and a hint of worry.
"You don't get it, Harry." Zayn began shamefully, siting up. "I-we-I touched him." Was all he could get it before tearing up at that horrifying memory of him on top of Liam, moving and—Zayn was a monster. Liam wouldn't have wanted it.
If only he wasn't so god damn oblivious but then again maybe it was a good thing that he was. He hadn't picked up on what Zayn had done to him which was confusing since Zayn was obviously hard. Then again that made Zayn feel like he had almost taken advantage of the latter but at the same time he wasn't for sure. The thought wildly ruminated in Zayn's mind overheating his brain.
Harry's eyes were saucers. His body had pulled back and Zayn didn't blame his reactions. "You did? H-How?"
This was so much harder than Zayn thought. He wasn't even planning on ever telling Harry. He never even thought he'd be cornered like this by his mate. Zayn thought he'd just avoid Harry for the rest of his time during training but how could he when he shared a freaking bunk with him.
"I-" Zayn sat up groaning in frustration at how hard it was to just tell his friend the truth. "We were messing about. He was tickling me then I was tickling him and the next thing you know he was under me and it-it felt so good-" a tear fell from his eye as he reminisced that day. Liam was so happy and so fucking oblivious. And then-
"I couldn't help it. I got so lost in the moment. I could feel him under me. I let my feelings take over and before I knew it I was almost dry humping him and he just laid there confused and-"
'"Zayn?"' Liam's tone was so innocent it was unbearable. Zayn couldn't handle it. It was like he was reliving that nightmare. He had the desire to jump up and leave like he'd done that very day but he couldn't. It was out now and he could not wait for Harry to punch him and call him a fool just to get over with it.
'You fag! You deserve to get punched for what you did almost taking advantage of a straight guy who'd never like you.' Zayn blinked back a waterfall of tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. "I-I'm a monster." He shamefully stated in a broken tone.
Harry's brows knitted together shockingly in confusion. And his lips pursed like he was trying to figure something. "Monster?" He slowly shook his head in a disagreeing way yet the look in his eyes were neutral though a moment ago they were full of shock. That made Zayn confused himself—Harry was supposed to punch him!
"Zayn, your too hard on yourself." He remarked in a serious sounding voice. Harry reached over to wipe away a tear from Zayn's cheek with a quick swipe of his big thumb. "Liam doesn't know what you did or how you-"
"Because he's an oblivious fuck!" Zayn snapped at him like it was a fact he should have known. Cause well it was true. Liam was the most oblivious person that Zayn had ever known and Zayn was like the king of that.
"Mate, I-" Harry sighed and got up to sit on Zayn's mattress, facing him. "Look your not a monster. It's normal, Zayn. You have an attraction to Liam. Accept it, yeah? Trust me you will feel much better when you accept it then after you can take the next step and tell him and after that you'll feel a whole weight being lifted off your shoulders."
Zayn scoffed out a hysterical laugh finding Harry's advise a real hilarious joke. "You make that sound as if it's that easy?"
His curly haired friend frowned, not at all amused. "I didn't say it was easy, mate. I'm saying it will feel better once you've come to terms with yourself. As I've said before it's tough. I know it is. In case you forgot I'm-" he gestured to himself. "-gay myself. I know every single feeling your feeling. You think I haven't had crushes on straight men before?" He questioned cocking his brow.
Zayn shut his mouth and shook his head in response.
Harry nodded pleased Zayn agreed before going on. "I've gone through those exact struggles. After a few crushes of mine that were my close friends...friends I let myself loose because of my cowardness back then—I realized it would be best to be honest with those guys so I'd find closure and not ruin another friendship over something so stupid and no Zayn it was not easy." By then Harry was close to tears himself. "I did endure some insults from a few but most were kind and understanding. Regardless of how they reacted I felt so much better and it's what helped me accept myself."
The young Bradford boy blinked away from his friend who shared his story with him in hopes to encourage him but Zayn was too scared. Harry was much more stronger than he was. Him risking his own life just to be honest with those crushes of his and yet here was Zayn who couldn't even handle one guy who just about ruined all his confidence in himself. Shawn Mendes made him the stupid pathetic wimp he was.
"I understand right now you may feel like my advice is a load of shit. Just know I've been in your shoes. I still am and everyday I have that reminder. That little voice in my head that tells me how much of a freak I am but now instead of allowing it to bring me down I embrace it. If only I could show you." Harry placed his hand onto Zayn's bent knee to show him he felt his pain. "As for Liam, again perhaps you are to help open his eyes. It will take time but eventually you will have to tell him. You can't avoid him your whole time here. In his eyes you two are friends. He trusts you. You doing what your doing is hurting him. It's not right. you need to man up a bit and just face him. Not saying you have to tell him yet but you know."
Zayn licked his lips looking away from the other boy. He didn't know what to say. Harry was right it all clicked within him but he was still afraid. He liked Liam too much. The thought of his rejection scared him. He didn't think he could bare it.
"You don't have to say anything. I only ask you to think about what I've told you." His bunkmate gave him a pat on his knee before getting back up. "I'm your friend. I am here for you, okay? And listen to me. Your not a monster or whatever else you think you are. Your a boy with a crush on another boy that's all so please stop being so hard on yourself. It will only make you feel worse."
The older boy sat there keeping his eyes on the other bunk beside him. He couldn't argue with his mate. What he said all made perfect sense. There was no point or an argument to make against him. He'd only look more like a fool than he already was. So he kept silent.
"Lunch is almost over." Harry informed him. "I'll see you hopefully at dinner." With that he turned and walked out leaving Zayn with his wisdom to think about as he asked him and Zayn did.
~
At dinner Zayn picked his food right off the metal counter and turned to the tables behind him quickly filling up.
His eyes spotted his old table full of his new friends chatting and laughing amongst themselves. There was no Liam to be seen in the crowd yet but Zayn knew he'd soon be in.
He then glanced to the empty quiet table in the back where he had been sitting for the past few days and then he glanced back at his former table quickly catching a gap right where he used to sit. Harry's hopeful eyes were now settled on him as they silently beckoned him over.
Braving it Zayn drew in a long steady breath, smacked on a fake smile and pushed himself to walk over to the very table he'd been avoiding for so long.
The second he sat down everyone went silent and all eyes were on him making him feel very uneasy. With a gulp Zayn forced his smile to widened to show he had no bad intentions there.
"It's about time." Harry laughed slapping him on the back as Zayn cautiously sat.
Their group all broke into laughter agreeing with Harry. Zayn didn't know why it was funny that he'd returned but he found himself laughing with them anyways up until he recognized a pair of big hands set down a tray of food across from him. He fell completely silent when his eyes met the lightened brown irises of the boy he'd been initially trying to avoid.
"Zayn, Hey." He greeted taking a seat with a genuine smile. "How've you been doing?"
The boy opened his mouth to answer but then froze unsure of what to say as an excuse. He wasn't even sure if he could handle talking to the older boy let alone look at him with all those images from before flashing in his mind.
"A bit homesick still." Harry spoke up for him while throwing an arm around his shoulders. "He got a note from his family about his sister and her baby. It's alright though he just was reminded of them and needed some time to himself." He flatly lied but Zayn just accepted it because honestly he couldn't think up a better excuse.
"Ah I see." Niall remarked before Liam could answer. He set down his fork and gave Zayn a sincere friendly look. "When is she due?"
Relieved for the distraction Zayn shifted his gaze to Niall and smiled. "Around May." He announced.
"Wow so a spring baby." Nick grinned. "How lovely."
"Thanks." Zayn chuckled finding it a bit funny for some reason.
"Congrats on being an uncle." Fionn congratulated kindly.
Zayn nodded thanking him. "Thanks, mate."
"I'm sure you'll be great." Ed joined in with a big happy smile.
"I hope so." Zayn truthfully admitted. He hoped he'd survive long enough to be there for his niece or nephew. At least he'd give the kid some good advice on how to handle such a cruel world.
"I know you will." Liam chimed.
Zayn whipped his head to the smiling brunette and his heart about skipped a beat. His cheeks blushed and fuck he couldn't do this. He glanced down at his food again at lost for words.
"Thanks." He answered in a shy quiet tone.
Harry picked up on his friend's hesitation and so he leaned into his ear. "You alright?" He whispered.
Zayn nodded then there was a sudden loud clearing of a throat.
Both boys looked up to the brunette haired latter who happened to be glaring at Harry with jealousy. To Zayn it had to be some coincidence but Harry could tell it was nowhere near a coincidence. He'd known since the first day he saw the two interact. It was a bit funny seeing the man's true colors though he had no idea of them yet.
Hiding his amusement, Harry simply slid his arm off the slightly older boy and pulled his body back altogether from him in retreat making Zayn nervous without his protective touch.
The raven haired boy turned to Harry and frowned at him for leaving him defenseless. Harry just flashed a slight telling smirk before turning to talk to other lads who were already engaged in another conversation about babies and birth.
With a sigh though his entire soul did not want to face the other boy he forced himself to—and it was hard. "Thanks." He answered quietly shifting his eyes back down to the brown slime on his plate that was supposed to be turkey and gravy. It wasn't the most delightful thing to look at but he had no choice.
Liam abruptly leaned in across the table and lowered his voice. "Why do you avoid looking at me?"
'Because I'm in love with you.' Zayn grimaced at the truth but he chose to come up with another reason. Now was definitely not the time to come out to Liam. He was not in the right condition, it was far too soon and the cafeteria was definitely not the place.
"I already told you." Zayn said referring to that dreadful day he really wished he hadn't remembered.
Liam scratched his head for a moment while he remembered Zayn's whole story about his mother but it still made no sense to him. No one just had that problem with certain people without reason.
"Zayn..." Liam glanced around realizing the cafeteria wasn't the best place to talk about something so serious. "Mind taking this outside?"
Zayn snapped his head up in confusion. It sounded almost like Liam was asking for a fight or something especially with the look he gave him. He was really unsure if it was a good idea to accept but-
"Sure." He blankly answered. He instantly began mentally kicking himself for how stupid he was to accept so easily.
How he wished there was such thing as a reverse button to reverse all the way to when he was born that way he could change so many things so he wanted have to be there dealing with this shit in the future.
A light smile lifted on Liam's lips. "Great, shall we." He suggested cocking his head a bit to the side towards the exit.
"Uh yeah." Zayn very slowly pushed himself up from the table.
Harry glanced to his mate as the raven haired boy got up and followed close behind Liam out the door. He smiled at the two as they walked out before returning to his conversation with the others. He hoped whatever the two were about to discuss would help Zayn in some sort of way to regain confidence in himself and maybe encourage him to stand up and be brave.
Outside it was dark but the cafeteria outside lamps were lit brightly under them eliminating their faces.
"Hey." A calloused hand cupped under Zayn's jawline. Zayn couldn't help but finally look up at older man's star twinkling orbs. "Look I feel like there's more to what Harry said...that day I-I feel like I may have done or said something wrong-"
Oh shit, Liam thought it was his fault for Zayn ignoring him all this time. Zayn didn't want to hear it, he already felt so terrible for all his doings. Liam didn't deserve to take blame for Zayn sick self.
"You didn't." Zayn answered immediately shaking his head in Liam's warm palm.
"Then why? Why did you leave like that? Why have you been avoiding me?" Liam bombarded with questions.
The boy was now cowering back out of Liam's grip. This was too much and too soon. He couldn't tell him. Not yet.
Zayn bravely opened his mouth "I can't-I can't say." He admitted in a very quiet hushed voice.
Liam furrowed his brows and took a step closer to the younger shy lad. "You know I'm here for you. Your my best mate here. I would never judge you, you know that so why-"
"Because it's not time." Zayn cut him off but he didn't mean to snap he just didn't want to hear it from Liam. He already knew he seemed like a terrible friend but soon it would make sense to Liam and then he'd probably make fun of him or be disgusted and drop his ass like a piece of garbage.
The latter went quiet, observed the younger anxious boy then stepped back giving him his space. "Fine, when you feel comfortable to tell me you can, alright? I won't pressure you."
Zayn gave him a small grateful smile along with a nod. "Thank you."
Liam returned his smile. "Course I'm always here just-" his face grimaced and a jealous look replaced it again. "Harry knows doesn't he?"
Zayn's smile dropped, there was no hiding that obvious fact especially with how Harry spoke up for him in that short time at the table.
"Yes." He confessed gazing down at the frosted ground in shame for confining in his bunkmate rather than him but again he had a valid reason that Liam would soon be told.
"Why turn to him?" He asked with a hint of that same jealousy in his tone. Zayn was now beginning to realize what Harry was talking about but he refused to believe it as anything to do with "feelings". Liam was probably upset because he thought himself Zayn's best friend not Harry's. He must've been the jealous type of friend.
"Because he already knew." Zayn honestly stated. "He figured it out and approached me."
Liam for the first time glanced down at the ground Zayn seem to fancy so much. "I see. He must be a much better friend than I if he's figuring ya out so quickly."
Zayn let out a laugh at his statement but not because of his tone or anything but because it was funny how jealous Liam really was of Harry. He was that blind to see the legit conspicuous truth in all of it. His mind was centered on competing with Harry in seeing who was a better friend rather than Zayn's feelings. What a real idiot—an idiot which Zayn was secretly so infatuated with.
His reaction however earned a serious glare that made Zayn force himself to calm down. "You two are vastly different, Liam. You both are special to me in different ways despite us knowing each other for only a week. Neither of you are more better than the other. Don't be daft."
Liam clearly didn't buy it though Zayn was very honest. He only rolled his eyes and went on. "Whatever. Still I'm here for you." He reassured.
"I know." Zayn lightly smiled at his reassuring words. "And I thank you. Soon I will tell you, I promise."
"Alright then." Accepted Liam as he forced on a smile.
The two smiled at one another for a long minute until Liam's cheeks began to redden and he had to look away. "Guess we should go back and eat that mush called dinner before we get a lecture from Corporal Tomlinson."
Taking his suggestion Zayn nodded and started for the entrance with Liam by his side. It turned out their friendship was still pretty good. They made up and got along so quickly. It was that easy....so Zayn thought...
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Hey long time no see aha yeah I can explain 🙃 I got hella busy in life during this story then I got other ideas and completely forgot to update Morphine. Soon I lost motivation all together but after a few things I got the motivation again! 😁👏🏻
I know it's not a long chapter but I promise you next chapter I will make sure it is a lot longer than this and the chapter before because next chapter will have a massive event in it hehe 😜 (I promise I will make up my absence with awesome content ❤️)
I am currently riting a Zaladdin Ziam fic, I've got two chapters waiting to be edited but for this and my many readers who enjoy this fic I will update a few chapters here before moving on to my other fics 😊❤️
Thank you all for your patience and your continuous support! Without that I wouldn't even have had enough encouragement in updating all together. So thank you lovelies! 😊❤️🥰
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