April 9th, 1991
Dear Diary,
I didn't find the time to write in there earlier, but right now, I feel like I need to. There's been too much on my mind lately, and I think I need to vent, so here I am. I don't even know where to start. Yeah... I guess I'll start by what's occupying the major part of my mind these days... Dad.
He has been the only thing on my mind every since I met Hayden. I've been torturing myself with questions I doubt I'll ever have the answers to, like: Why did he do that? Why didn't he man up and tell the truth to my mother? The frustration of not being able to ask him those questions is the worst feeling. I can't even hate him for what he's done to mom. Hell, I don't even know what I feel right now. I just feel completely lost. I feel like I didn't even know my father, the one I always put on a pedestal, my confident, my hero. What am I supposed to feel when I find out that he turned out to be a selfish liar with no morals?
I think I feel betrayed, for the major part. There's also this hint of guilt, deep inside of me. I feel guilty to have had a loving and caring father when all Hayden had was an absent father figure. It saddened me when he called him by his name instead of calling him Dad. It showed just how much of a stranger he was to him. But I didn't choose any of that. I didn't want my father to completely forget about him when I was born. I wish he tried to make things right to give me a chance to grow up with a brother, and to give Hayden the chance to have a father.
I spent the night talking about it with Michael, I know he's be best person to understand me since he's been there with Joseph and Joh'Vonnie. Sometimes I feel like he can read my mind, because he has this ability to put my thoughts into words, to voice the things I'm not able to. I can feel how hard it is for him to talk about his father, but I also think it's important for him to let it all out at some point, and he knows it.
I'm thankful for him, for his presence and for being a shoulder I can rely on. I can't believe I'm actually lucky enough to call him my boyfriend. Everything happened so fast, and sometimes I get scared when I think about it. What if we rushed things, after all?
But everytime I get scared, there's this little voice inside my head which reminds me how natural this feels, and most importantly, how perfectly right this feels.
I closed my diary and placed it on my lap while I looked at the beautiful cloudless californian sky outside. It seemed like it had been ages since I took the time to seat by the window and appreciate the beauty of nature for a few minutes.
I sighed heavily, as I tried to empty my mind and forget my previous thoughts. I was looking forward to go back to the hospital and work again. It had been twenty days since I didn't see the kids, and I missed them beyond words.
Today was my first check-up at UCLA, so I knew I would be able to go check up on them before I had to go to my appointment. Since Dr. Sanchez didn't know any doctors from the LA county, I was the one in charge to choose a new doctor to follow my recovery. I chose Alice's boss, Dr. Spencer, the head of the orthopedics service, he was the best orthopedic surgeon I knew.
I exhaled loudly, wincing a little at the tingling sensation in my side, and turned my attention back to my bed, a few feet away, where Michael was peacefully sleeping. Instantly, a smile appeared on my face at the sight of his angel face. For the past three days, Michael stayed at the loft with me. It's like he didn't want to go back to Neverland, because everytime he left to go to the studio, he ended up coming back to spend the night here. It was a shorter ride for him to come back here than to go back to Los Olivos, and of course it allowed us to spend more time together. As a habit of ours, we spent all night long talking, exchanging embarrassing stories or sharing our innermost fears, and I liked every moment of it.
"Hale," Michael's sleepy voice called as I was about to go downstairs. Carl was about to wake up to go work, so I thought it would be nice if I prepared breakfast for him. "Is everything alright?" he asked, sitting up in bed.
"Oh hey," I softly said, walking closer to his side of the bed. "I'm sorry. Did I wake you?"
"No, no, it's okay," he reassured right away, rubbing the tiredness off his eyes. "Didn't you sleep well? You know I can go on the couch if—"
"Michael," I cut him off, sitting on the edge of the bed next to him. I took his hand in mine and intertwined my fingers with his. "I've never slept this good than since I know you," I told him, offering him a reassuring smile. "My nights are just shorter than usual, with the discomfort of my injuries and the many questions running through my head."
"Come here," he beckoned, opening his arm for me. Without hesitation, I snuggled against him, and he wrapped me in one of his reassuring hugs. "When you'll be ready to see Hayden again, things will get clearer for you. You just need to cope with the news for now."
"I know," I nodded slowly, hugging Michael's arm. I sighed heavily and closed my eyes for a couple of seconds. "I'll be fine."
"You better," Michael threatened playfully, and I giggled as he laid a little kiss on my head. "You're one of the strongest people I know, I know you will."
I smiled at his words, and pulled away to meet his deep brown doe eyes. I caressed his cheek gently, and tilted my head to the right to place a gentle kiss on his slightly chapped lips.
"While I'd like to do that all day long, I need to go to the kitchen and prepare breakfast for Carl," I regretfully said, putting my hand on his chest.
"Even if I understand your kind gesture, you could also stay here with me and we could keep doing just that," Michael shrugged innocently, before he covered my mouth with his again.
"Evil," I mumbled through his addictive kiss. At some point, I found the strength to pull away, and I gave him a disapproving look.
"What?" he protested, chuckling. "I was just sayin'," he shrugged yet again with a smirk on his face.
"You're a bad influence, Jackson," I shook my head, and finally stood up. "There's enough room for the both of us in the kitchen if you want to give me a hand."
"Nooo, don't leave!" he over-dramatically exclaimed, grabbing my hand. "I would pull you right back to bed if you weren't in a bad shape."
"You would, huh?" I asked, smirking a bit. "Then you'd have faced a tickle war."
"Oh yeah? I'm pretty sure I would have won that," he said with confidence. Believe it or not, it suited him, and it didn't leave me indifferent. "With my hands tied," he added, getting out of bed. He was now standing right in front of me.
"Nonsense," I simply said, staring deeply into his eyes. I knew he would get shy at some point, and this is what I wanted. "I know how to make you loose. I've got skills."
"Well, I can't wait for you to show them to me," he said in a deeper voice that sent chills down my spine, putting his hands on my hips. "But in the meantime, I'll be nice to you. Let's go get breakfast ready."
I rolled my eyes slightly, which made Michael laugh, and we headed downstairs together.
***
I stepped out of the shower stall carefully, steam emanating from my entire body from the hot water I used. While keeping my shoulder still, I managed to wrap a towel around my body while my hair was dripping all along my back. Whenever I had my sling off, I felt vulnerable, as if my shoulder would fall off of my body, which is quite comical when we know I'm a doctor. I hated this sensation, but at the same time, I loved it, because it made me feel free again.
I could feel I was getting better, though. I still had reduced mobility, but I was able to shower all by myself now, compared to the first ten days I got home. I still needed Alice to get dressed (and undressed), though, which became less embarrassing as days went by. Thankfully, I was able to put my underwear by myself. The only thing she needed to do for me was clasping my bra, but I got used to it, just as the rest. With only my jeans on and with my uninjured arm maintaining my unclasped bra, I opened the bathroom's door, crossed my bedroom, and called for Alice across the loft.
"Oh my God, I uh I—I sorry!" Michael's voice was suddenly heard which made me jump a little. I looked behind me, and Michael was standing there, hiding his face with one of my favorite books, Orlando, by Virginia Woolf. I didn't even notice he was there. "I—I'm sorry, I wanted to wait here until you were finished to ask you if I could borrow this book a—and..."
"God Michael, I didn't even see you! Where were you when I opened the door?" I asked, until I remembered I was half naked. "Oh shit," I cursed, and suddenly got embarrassed and ran back to the bathroom.
"I'm sorry, I—I should have let you know I was there," Michael apologized again on the other side of the door.
"Don't worry, it's fine," I told him in a reassuring tone. He was certainly as embarrassed as I was, even more. "Um, do you know where is Alice?"
"Oh um, she's dealing with her brother outside the loft. She said she'd be back shortly," Michael let me know, and I wondered what Adam was doing here.
"Shit," I muttered under my breath as it was getting uncomfortable for me to stay in this position.
"I'll wait for you downstairs. I really an sorry!"
"Um, wait! Mike? I think I'm going to need your help."
"Oh, sure! Tell me! What can I do to help you?" he gently asked, and I opened the door of the bathroom. "Oh—Oh! Uh, o—okay you're still half naked," he stammered, which I would have found adorable if I wasn't feeling so embarrassed.
"Yeah uh... Can you clasp my bra for me? I uh, I—I really can't do this myself."
"I can do that," he nodded, his eyes never leaving mine. He seemed scared to even look elsewhere, which made me laugh internally. I turned around so that he could have access to my back, and put my hair on one side. "I'm sorry, my hands might be a little cold."
"Don't worry about it," I gently said.
Shortly after my reassuring words, I felt Michael's hands on my back, and that very feeling caused chills to form all over my body. I closed my eyes as I enjoyed the sensation, and surprisingly, images of Michael and I kissing started playing in my head. It was vivid, almost as if I was dreaming while being totally awake. We were kissing, while my fists were knotted in his shirt, pulling him harder against my body while his arms were circling me. I could see how passionate this kiss was, how desire seemed to drive the both of us at that precise moment.
"There you go," Michael's voice brought me back to reality, as I was totally confused at that point.
"I—It didn't hurt," I muttered in utter surprise.
"Well I'm glad I didn't hurt you," Michael gleefully said. Of course, he didn't know I was talking about the – hot – vision I just had of him and I. Finally, I turned around to look at Michael again with the biggest grin on my face. "Do you also need help to put your top on? I—I can help you with that too, if you want me to, I—I'm not—"
"Please?" I cut him off, as he started babbling again. "I just need to find another loose blouse to wear," I said, opening my walk-in closet.
"Um, will this do the job?" Michael asked from behind me as I was rummaging through the different shelves. I turned around only to see him holding one of his own shirts. "I know you love them."
"This is perfect," I smiled widely, walking up to him. "Are you sure you don't mind?"
"Not at all," he answered, keeping his eyes on the shirt he was unbuttoning. "I like to see you in my clothes. Especially now. It's like a reminder that you're my girlfriend, and it makes me happy."
"Aw," I cooed, which made him blush instantly. "I like the sound of you saying I'm your girlfriend."
"Right? I love it too," he gleefully said, and finally the shirt was entirely unbuttoned. "Okay, tell me how do you want me to proceed now."
"I can't move my arm, so you need to bring the shirt to my arm and put it in the sleeve first. Don't worry, I'm going to help you," I reassured, and he nodded his head.
"I don't want to hurt you," he softly said, and I smiled at his concern. "Tell me if I'm hurting you in any way, okay?"
"Sure. You can do this, I trust you," I encouraged him, and he proceeded. With the same softness only him was capable of, Michael put the shirt over my half naked body in a heartbeat. "See? I knew you'd make it without a problem."
"Guess you were right then," he smiled, while buttoning the shirt for me. I kept my eyes on his face the entire time, wondering when did I get so lucky to have this caring and loving man by my side.
"And now, time to put your sling back on," he announced, and I grimaced a little. "Come on, just think about the moment your arm will be healed and totally functional thanks to that sling you hate."
"Right," I exhaled loudly, and Michael put it back on with the same gentleness I admired.
"All done!" he cheered, rubbing my upper arm gently. "I'd make a great nurse."
"You would for sure," I giggled, wrapping my right arm around his neck. "Thank you, nurse Jackson."
"My pleasure, Dr. Brit," he giggled, rubbing the tip of his nose against mine. He gently wrapped his arms around my waist which got me closer to his body, and I just looked up to him dreamily, playing with his ponytail at the back of his head.
"Really though, thank you," I repeated more sincerely this time.
"Don't mention it," Michael gave me a toothless smile, as he ran his hand through my wet hair. "Anything for you."
Standing on my tip-toes, I delicately kissed him, and relaxed totally in the comfort of his arms. Sadly, this moment was interrupted when we heard the front door open, and Alice calling my name repeatedly. In a matter of ten seconds, she arrived in my room out of breath, and gave me the elevator look, eyeing me skeptically.
"I was about to apologize for leaving you on your own in the bathroom, but I can see that you managed to get dressed," she smirked, giving a look to Michael who became quickly embarrassed. "Or should I say, someone managed to get you dressed."
"Shut up," I just said, rolling my eyes at her remark which made her laugh. "What's the matter with Adam?"
"This dumbass finally found a job," she announced, but she seemed a bit annoyed. "He said this time he really wants to get better to be a good father to his kids, but he says that each and every single time."
"I know," I sighed, shaking my head slightly. "Let's hope this job is the right one for him this time."
"Yeah," she snorted ironically. "Anyway, your bodyguard is waiting for you outside, Michael," Al let him know, and he slightly nodded his head. "I'll get the car ready too. We must be gone in ten."
"Copy that," I answered, and Al went back downstairs to give us the time to say goodbye to each other. I turned around, and took refuge in the comfort of Michael's arms. It was obvious that I didn't want him to go, but he needed to work, and I needed to get to the hospital. "Will I have the surprise to see you tonight?"
"If I can fool the paparazzi with yet another disguise, then you can count on this for sure," he answered, rocking me gently from side to side while rubbing my back. "You know I don't want to take the risk to bring them here again. One time was enough."
"I know," I softly said, closing my eyes as I snuggled closer to him. "Please, be safe."
"I will," he reassured, as he put a kiss on top of my head. "Come on, we should get going now. The earlier you're at the hospital, the longer you can stay with the kids."
"I can't wait to see them again," I sincerely said with a genuine smile. I pulled away from Michael, ad looked up to him. "And you, mister, have history to make with that album of yours."
"I'll try my best," he shyly grinned.
***
Unlike the majority of sane people in the world, I felt joy as I set foot on the hospital's floor. This place represented so much to me. It had been my escape for years. When nobody could cheer me up, work did. Well, the kids, did.
With Alice by my side, we crossed the different hallways of the gigantic place, and finally arrived at the front desk of the Pediatrics service. I barely pushed the door open that Annie was already jogging in my direction. Unexpectedly, she pulled me in a warm embrace, holding me a bit too tightly for my ribs' liking.
"I'm so glad you're okay!" she exclaimed, and I winced a bit at her affection's display. "Oh—Oh I'm sorry! Did I hurt you?"
"It's okay," I gently said, giving her a reassuring smile as I pulled away.
"How are you? I—I mean are you feeling any better? We've been worried sick about you ever since Dr. Meyers told us what happened to you."
"I'm getting better, I appreciate the concern," I smiled yet another time. "I'm going to check on the kids before I go to my appointment. I'll come back later to chat, okay?"
"Sure thing," she smiled a little. "I'm glad you're okay, Dr. Thames."
I nodded my head slightly, and proceeded to go the different rooms of the service. Of course, there were some new faces around the service, but there were also old ones that came back. If they were here, that meant that their health was acting up again. It warmed up my heart to see how happy they were to see me, though. I knew I missed them, but I didn't know they would miss me too, and this alone made me love my job even more – if possible.
At the second I penetrated in Kyle's bedroom, his tired and pale face lit up. I, on the contrary, was alarmed by his appearance. He seemed exhausted, and it looked like he lost some weight since I last saw him. I put a smile on my face, and tried to look less worried than I actually was before I sat on the edge of his bed.
"Hey there," I greeted him softly, messing with his hair. "Long time no see, huh?"
"Brit, I missed you," he weakly said before reaching for my hand. "What happened to you? Did you break your arm?"
"I was in an accident, but I am alright now," I reassured him, squeezing his little hand a bit. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm tired," he said truthfully. He turned his little face to look at my in the eyes, and a smile appeared on his face. "But I feel better now that you're here. I was scared the whole time you were gone."
"Scared? How so?" I frowned, as I let go of his hand to help him straighten up the best I could.
"Because you're the one who saved my life last time. I feel safe with you around," he announced, and my eyes watered at his words as flashbacks from the moment I reanimated him started in my head. "Oh, I have something for you!" he excitedly said, as he weakly rummaged through the drawer that was right beside his hospital bed.
With a smile on his tired face, he handed me a sheet of paper on which he drew something. I looked at the little one's drawing, and a grin appeared on my face when I realized that he drew a woman with a superhero costume on. Just next to it, there was an arrow pointing in its direction that said 'Doctor Brit Thames, my hero'.
"It's beautiful," I sincerely, wiping the corner of my eyes. I was really moved by his little present. "Thank you," I thanked him, pulling him into a warm embrace.
"Really? I'll make you tons of other ones when I'll get better," he promised. "I wanted to give it to Dr. Meyers so that he could give it to you, but he told me that it would be better if I offered it to you myself."
"He gave you a good advice, it's better to get it directly from you."
"I'm always right," Carl's voice was heard from behind me. "I knew I'd find you there."
"You guessed right," I snorted, and stood up from Kyle's bed. "It's time to go?"
"Yeah, we're going to be late," Carl announced, looking down at his watch.
"Oh no! Are you leaving already?" Kyle sadly asked, his eyes filling with tears.
"Oh buddy no, don't cry," I gently told him, rubbing his shoulder for comfort. "I have an appointment here, but I'll be back right after."
"Do you promise?" he asked, sniffling back his tears.
"I promise," I smiled reassuringly.
He didn't know it, but I needed to be around here as much as he needed me to be. Whenever I was around those kids, it felt just like home.