Above is Nesryn! Hope you enjoy the chapter!
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I don't want to be here...
My chest tightens painfully as I look around the familiar room, my heart racing as my memory reminds me of everything that follows this familiar nightmare.
"There's my little princess!"
I turn around to see my father standing in the doorway of my bedroom, still in his gear as he smiles down at me...the ice blonde locks of hair gelled back to expose his blue eyes, filled with excitement as I run towards him on little legs...
Why does this one always start off so happy? It only hurts me more...
"Daddy!" I exclaim as he lifts me up in his strong arms, lifting me above his tall frame so he can spin me high up in the air. The sound of my four year old self giggling fills the room, along with dads booming laughter.
"How's my angel doing today?" He asks as he props me on his hip, and my smile falters a little as my young self remembers the awful time I had at the park.
"The kids made fun of my eye again..." I mumble, letting the long locks of my hair cover the eye and half of my face. The birth defect has always been a source of worry for me...being called a freak, or a monster would hurt any kid...
"I'm so sorry baby..." He murmurs, that familiar guilt echoing in his soft tone. I don't know why he feels guilty about it, it's not his fault that I was born this way...not his or moms, or anyone's...
"What's wrong with me daddy?" I ask, my eyes tearing up as I look down.
"Look at me Angel." He murmurs as he tilts my chin up, and his face blurs as I look at him with tear filled eyes.
"There is nothing wrong with you, you were born exactly the way the goddesses intended you to be. Your eye may be different from other peoples, but that is what makes you unique..." He murmurs as he pushes my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear.
"This ability of yours doesn't make you a freak, it makes you powerful...it will protect you from people who just want to use you. And that princess, is a power everyone wants to have."
He wipes the moisture from my cheeks as I stare at him with wide eyes.
"Really?" I hiccup, and he nods.
"Yes. You are perfect just the way you are Astrea, don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
Suddenly thinking of something, he sets me down and grabs the bag he takes to work. Opening it up, he looks at me with a soft smile.
"I got you something princess, close your eyes."
I do as he says, and after a moment I feel him slide something in my hair, afterwards he picks me up and walks me somewhere.
"Okay, now open them!"
I open my eyes to see my reflection in my dresser mirror, and I catch the sight of something glittering in my hair. I reach up to touch the sparkly headband, my fingers tracing over the snowflake on the side of it.
"It's so pretty!" I gasp, my tears forgotten.
"Just like you princess."
.......
I wish that's where this dream ended...that those sweet words were what echoed in my mind as I woke up...but I'm never that lucky.
"Come on Darling, Daddy won't be home for another hour or so...you don't have sit by the door the entire time." Mom pleas as she tries to convince me to join her and my little brother for lunch, but I stay seated by the front door, the headband he gave me fixed in my braided hair.
Dad left a couple of days ago for a special mission, and I promised that I'd wait for him to come home today...and I don't intend to break that promise.
"Yes I do Mommy, I promised him I would." I answer, and she sighs in exasperation.
"Alright...if you insis-"
Her answer is cut off by the sound of a plate shattering, followed by my brother crying. I jolt to see my mother kneeling on the floor, surrounded by the broken plate and food that was on it. Her hand holding her shoulder as her body shakes...and I swear I can hear her sobbing.
"Mommy...Mommy what's wrong?" I ask, but she doesn't answer...she only keeps whispering 'no' under her breath...sobbing it profusely. I walk towards her and try to hug her, my confusion mixing with ominous dread for some reason.
After two hours of staying like this, there's a knock at the door, and I run to it...thinking it's my father, hoping that he'll be able to make mommy feel better.
But I thought wrong....
It was Daddy's friend, Mr. Xavier...and the next words out of his mouth sent my entire world crumbling...
"I'm sorry to tell you Mrs. Zima....but your husband was killed in the line of duty..."
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I open my eyes to the darkness of the motel room, still sitting up straight on the couch like I was when I fell asleep hours ago. My hand stiff from holding my gun, I carefully put it back in the holster on my hip before standing up to stretch my muscles out.
Checking the digital clock on one of the nightstands, 2:50 am glows in red lights through the otherwise dark room. Checking to see that Nes and Thane are still asleep, Thane snoring like the bear he is with Ivory curled up on the end of his bed. I sigh and head to the tiny adjoining bathroom. Flicking on the dim light, I pause at the sight of my reflection. Reaching up to touch my cheek, I'm slightly startled by the moisture I find there...the salty tears on my face leaving twin trails that run down to my jaw...
This dream hasn't made me cry in years...sad yes, but no tears. Why am I crying again now?
I quickly turn on the sink faucet and begin washing my face with the cold water, removing the evidence thoroughly before I grab a clean wash rag and dry off.
What's wrong with me?
Lowering the rag, I brush aside my partially damp bangs to reveal my blind eye...it's silvery depths still as hollow and empty as it was when I first looked into it. Why did the goddesses give me this curse? It's like a bad omen that never goes away...
"Penny for your thoughts?"
I almost jump at the question whispered in the darkness, and I let my bangs fall back in place before turning to see Thane leaning against the frame of bathroom door, his arms crossed over his chest which obscures the design on his tank top. I look over his ruffled black hair and gray sweatpants before reaching his eyes, which are filled with both concern and exhaustion.
"Go back to sleep. We leave in two hours." I whisper back before I try to walk past him, but he moves in my path purposefully. I narrow my eyes in slight irritation, only to have them widen as I watch one of his hands slowly move towards my face...
"May I?" He says quietly, his fingertips hesitating over my cheek...and I'm too shocked to immediately respond to his question. My head a jumbled mess of confused and conflicted thoughts.
"Why...what-?" I stutter quietly, my heart racing at a staccato pace. What is this man doing to me?
"Please Snowdrop?" He whispers again, his soft eyes and gentle voice stirring a strange reaction in my body. I can feel the warmth radiating from his hand, and it only adds to the involuntary warming of my cheeks...and the scattering of my thoughts. After a moment of silent turmoil, I close my eyes and wait silently...the rational part of my brain screaming at me that this is a bad idea.
As illogical as it is, I want to feel his touch at least once...to know how it feels to be touched by a mate.
However, the second his fingertips touch my skin I realize that I was in no way prepared for this moment, for my body's reaction...not in the slightest. It's like tiny explosions are going off beneath my skin, leaving me warm and tingly where he touches me. I inhale a shaky breath as he traces over my cheek, his actions extremely careful...like he's scared he'll break me, when the harsh reality is that I'm more likely to break him.
"You're so beautiful Astrea..." He murmurs, his thumb brushing under my eye, and I squeeze them shut. Don't look at him, don't look at him...
"Look at me Astrea."
I clench my hands into tight fists, it's already difficult enough to resist touching him, looking at him...him asking in that voice only makes it harder.
"Please? I want to see those beautiful eyes of yours."
My conviction falters. Eyes? He thinks both of my eyes are beautiful? Hesitantly, I let my eyes drift open, and as they meet his he smiles and brings his other hand up to cup my other cheek, setting off even more sparks. His hazel eyes glow in the darkness with that warm gold undertone once again, and my body trembles as a soft rumbling sound emits from his chest.
"Why do you hide this one behind your hair? It's just as stunning as the blue one." He ponders as he pushes my bangs out from my face, and my mouth opens and closes without a sound as I debate on whether to answer him or not.
"I wish you would let me in...I want to know what's going on in your head..."
His words snap me back into reality, into why I shouldn't have let him do this, why I've been resisting the pull in the first place. With some difficulty, I convince my body to step away from him, and as his hands disappear from my face so does the warmth...leaving me cold once again. My hair falls back into place as I avert my gaze, my heart clenching painfully as I shut him out again.
I shouldn't have let him this close.
"No...you don't." I say, trying to make my words biting, but instead they come out sounding defeated.
"Yes I do-"
"No you don't." I say with more conviction this time, and I squeeze past his large frame and exit the bathroom before he can stop me.
"Snowdrop please, explain it to me! Why do you think like that? Why are you trying so hard to push me away?" He whispers fervently at my retreating back, and I pause, my heart aching even more as I muster the courage to say the words I've been terrified to say to him.
"Because if you had any idea who I really am, any idea of all the things I've done...you wouldn't want anything to do with me."
I quickly dart towards the couch and slide my feet into my combat boots and lace them over my black skinny jeans, then grab my blue leather jacket and pull it on over my black long sleeve shirt. I can't stay in here any longer, I need air.
"Astrea..." He murmurs sadly, and my heart clenches again.
"I'm going out to patrol, go back to sleep...I'll wake you back up at five am so we can leave." I murmur before opening the door, my familiar Ivory darting out before me, and as I shut the door behind me I almost swear I can hear Thane make a whimpering sound that hurts to listen to.
Shaking my head, I start making my rounds around the motel...and as the cold wind whips around me I do something I haven't done in years:
Shiver from the cold.
What the hell have I done?