CHAPTER FIFTY SIX- Refusal and broken hope.
As I turned over feeling the warm patch I had so recently been enduring in slip away as the sheets moved along with my movement I was slightly startled when I was immediately met with Niall’s eyes against mine. He smiled at me and I returned it and then cuddled into his chest enjoying the feeling of warmth that was now provided by my boyfriend and no longer the patch of warmth that had escaped me a few seconds ago. The feel of his lips against my forehead made a tentative smile spread across my lips as I let my fingers roam over his bare chest and in response to this he let his trace down my back sending shocks through me running up and down my spine.
“I love you.”
He breathed his breath breezing through my hair and skimming across my cheek. My smile only grew wider at his words that every time seemed to mean more than the last. But we both knew they weren’t enough, they meant a lot, but not enough, the passion behind our relationship was indescribable and I had a feeling it always would be. No matter what. I lifted my head from his chest and looked up at him, I strained my neck upwards placing my lips on his softly.
“I love you too.”
I whispered against his mouth causing my tentative smile to fever onto his lips as he kissed me again and then I pulled away nuzzling back into him feeling the warmth I got from his body extremely calming. I found just being with him extremely calming, but I especially loved waking up like this after such a heated night. Or at least it had been for the best part, that he was awake for. I hadn’t mentioned the Louis incident to him, or anyone, mainly because it had been about six hours ago and I hadn’t seen anyone else since he persuaded me to leave him alone and go back to Niall.
“I should hope so.”
He chuckled into my hair. I just smiled as I slid my arms either side of his waist bringing myself closer to him. I could feel what a mess my hair must have been but I didn’t care, and besides, his was too, but he looked a lot cuter with scruffy hair than I did. But it didn’t exactly bother me, in fact I really wasn’t all that bothered at all how I looked around Niall anymore, that wasn’t going to say I was never going to make an effort with my appearance, of course I was. I would never feel happy if I didn’t, but if he didn’t care, then why should I?
I felt his hands grip onto my hips pulling me on top of him he smiled up at me as he encircled his arms around my body and pressed a palm lightly on my back slowly forcing me down so there was no space between us. I could feel his chest and rising and fall against mine and the pulsation of his heart was tranquil as it so cliché-ley beat against mine.
“You know,” He said against my mouth and then retracted a little so he could look at me straight on. I raised my eye-brows urging him to continue as he let his lips brush mine once more before they tugged up into an angelic and mellow smile. “I can’t wait until we can wake up like this every morning…but on our own.”
He grinned and then lightly placed his lips back onto mine.
“We are on our own.”
I reminded him my sentence outputting into a muffled whisper against his lips.
“You know what I mean.”
He replied dismissively before placing a hand behind my neck and drawing me back in for a few more artless kisses. And I did know what he meant, and I couldn’t suppress the frequent speed of my heart that effected knowing exactly what he meant. It was one thing to endure an intimate relationship, it was another to build a life upon it. And there was something quite beautiful about that, how you could meet someone as a stranger and a matter of time later be building your lives together, moulding to fit each other and knowing that you fit perfectly.
“Oh yes I do.”
I giggled as I seceded my lips away from his and rolled off of him. Pressing my stomach flat up against his side resting my head in the nook of his shoulder as I started up at him, the grin tugging at my lips completely impossible to suppress. And I didn’t want it to. I wanted him to know how happy it made me, he knew how happy it made me but sometimes it was nice to show things too. And it was even nicer to know that he felt the same way.
-
“So,” I started as I carefully shut the door with a click and folded my hands against it before pressing my back against the cool wood. Louis looked up at me and there were bags underneath his eyes and they were rimmed red where he had been crying. In all honesty, he didn’t seem all that keen to see me. But that was irrelevant to me, I had just managed to escape Niall by persuading him to shower so that spared me twenty minutes. And in these twenty minutes I was going to get at least some answers. “You have a few things to tell me, I presume.”
I raised my eye-brows giving him a slightly sympathetic look I sat down in his desk chair and spun around in it once before crossing my legs up and looking at him expectantly. He frowned at something on his laptop screen and then reluctantly shut it and sighed as he threw his head back wincing in pain as it hit the headboard of his bed.
“Well?”
I pushed but he didn’t even respond or open his eyes. He just sat there his facial expression completely impassive, the same clothes on as last night and his hair a mess, but probably not as much of a mess as mine. Even though I had attempted to pull a brush through it, it really needed washing and my shampoo was in the shower Niall was using. I was about to repeat my encouragement for him to reply to me but then he suddenly snapped his gaze open but he refused to settle it on me as he looked aimlessly around his room suddenly finding interest in the chip in the paint on the farthest wall.
“No.”
He mumbled and for a moment I just looked at him wondering if I heard him right. But I had, this wasn’t a misconception of my hearing he was actually telling me no. He was telling me he had nothing to tell me when quite clearly he had a lot of things to tell me, or one very big thing. It wasn’t just last night I wanted an explanation about it, it was the past six months I wanted an explanation about. Half a year is way too long to let someone close to you act off and completely out of it for and I was determined to put a stop to it. Even if nobody else was willing to help me. Fragile things are easily broken, but they work just as well if you handle them with care.
“What?”
“No.”
He repeated and I just looked at him and blinked a few times. No, I didn’t expect him to fess up to everyone at once why he returned home at four in the morning crying. But I kind of expected him to tell me, we used to be close and I was hoping we could still be, but obviously that wasn’t really going very well right now. But had I not been the one who sat with him in the early hours of the morning at the bottom of the stairs as he cried into my shoulder for twenty minutes straight? Surely I deserved just the briefest of information. I didn’t have to leave the lovely, comfy warm bed I was sharing with my boyfriend, I didn’t have to walk down those stairs and comfort him, I could have just turned back around and returned to my lovely, comfy warm bed with my boyfriend but I didn’t I sat there and let him cry because I care. Surely I deserved something, just something, anything. Maybe even a lie, just something to make me feel like he appreciated the littlest bit that I had sat there with him last night.
“Louis.”
“No, no I don’t have anything to tell you.”
He replied his tone flat and monotonous like he was reeling off a long list of instructions that he had absolutely no enthusiasm in. Now I could hear Niall’s singing getting louder meaning that he was somewhat near the end of his shower. I didn’t have very long left now and so far I’ve got nowhere.
“Yes, yes you do.”
I persisted and he heaved a sigh as he slipped his laptop underneath his covers and then ran another uneasy hand through his hair.
“No, I really don’t.”
“Where did you go?”
I shot back and I think he was slightly taken aback by this quick-fire question. If he was going to be repetitive I was going to be the opposite.
“Nowhere.”
“Who were you with?”
“Nobody.”
“You’re a terrible liar.”
I shrugged sucking my teeth up behind my teeth and letting it go again. He just looked at me and I could almost hear the thoughts slotting into each other in his brain. He knew what was wrong, he had a reason for acting off, he knew where he’d been and who he’d been with if anyone; of course he did. But getting him to tell me these things were something different altogether. I knew the feeling though, sometimes it seems easier to bottle up your emotions and let them crush themselves inside of you foreshadowing your every action than spilling them to someone that can and wants to help. It’s easy to think that you’re going to have nobody there for you in your darkest hour, and it’s also easy to assume that when you get to that hour, when everything goes quiet and you’re alone with your sinister thoughts and secrets you were too shy to share. That it will be your last hour. I’ve been there, I know what it feels like to feel like you can tell nobody what’s going on inside your head because nobody will understand. All you want to be is left alone with your dark thoughts and never bothered again, but when I finally was, it wasn’t fun at all. It’s not easy to spill a secret that’s been possessing you and your life for a long period of time and if you ever do you’ll go through panic stations, thinking you shouldn’t have. But if and when you do, you’ll find out in the end that it’s worth it. I didn’t know if Louis’ situation was as dark as mine was all those years ago, but sometimes it pays off to treat it like it is; it’s better to give too much than too little.
“I know.”
He admitted and I shot my gaze to his surprised he had admitted this, and not only this, the fact that he was indeed lying.
“What’s the secret Louis?” I blurted out. “What has got you acting like this? You can tell me. I’m not judging, I promise.”
“I can’t tell you.”
He whispered breathlessly and I creased my brow in confusion,, I was about to open my mouth to say something else when the door opened and a shirtless Niall appeared furrowing his brow at us.
“Hey there you are you-“
“Niall not now.”
I warned giving him a look, but he looked confused, he slid his gaze to Louis and obviously realised how bad he looked but then he looked back to me.
“But I-“
“Niall.”
He looked at me for a few seconds before frowning.
“Fine then.”
He grumbled and then closed the door again and I heard him go back to his- our room. Louis said nothing as he looked down at the covers fiddling with them and then a few tears slipped down his cheeks. This really made me determined and I bit my lip. But from experience I knew that sometimes if you were feeling broken and were crying the last thing you wanted was someone to comfort you so I kept it up like he wasn’t crying and continued my plea to get him to tell me what the secret was.
“Louis you can tell me. What’s the secret?”
“No! You don’t understand, Ashley, I can’t tell you. It’s not simple. I can’t tell you, I can’t tell anyone. But especially not you, I’m sorry.”
“Why not? Louis I know it seems daunting now, but believe me it’ll be worth it. You’re not alone in this Lou…I’ve been there you know…It’s…It’s hard to tell someone what’s going on inside of you, but it’ll be worth it in the end, trust me Lou.”
He just shook his head his tears still sliding his cheeks and spilling onto his duvet.
“Just because you’ve been there before it doesn’t mean it’s the same for me, because it’s not. You weren’t alone Ashley, I am. You had Niall at your beckon and call, I can’t let anyone be involved in this. It’s my problem and nobody else’s.”
“Oh yeah?” I challenged now slightly offended that he thought I had Niall at my ‘beckon and call’. “Well you know what? Everything that I went through, they were my problems and nobody else’s. But that doesn’t mean that other people aren’t willing to get involved, to help you.”
“Yeah well not everyone has a partner as dedicated as Niall, or a partner at all.”
He mumbled and I raised my eye-brows.
“We’re not talking about me and Niall, we’re talking about you. Louis I care, and I want to know what’s going on. It’s not fair for you to feel you have to hide something from me, from us, from everyone.”
He snorted as if what I had said was pure insanity.
“You won’t be saying that if you find out what it is.”
“And how do you know that?”
“Because you would.”
For a moment I just stared back at him wondering what on earth could be so bad. So bad that he had to act like this over it. It must be agonising for him to feel like he can’t tell anyone, whatever it is. I’ve seen stubborn, I’ve been stubborn, but this? He’s so determined and convinced he can’t tell anyone it’s almost surreal.
“You don’t know that Louis.”
“No, you don’t know that! You don’t know anything…It may…It may be easy for you to say you won’t get mad or practically disown me for it, but you can say that because you have no idea what’s going on right now, and you never will. I’m-I’m sorry Ash, I know you’re trying and I appreciate it, I do, but I think it would just be easier if everyone just left me and this alone. I…I’m glad you’re better now and everything, so why don‘t you go and enjoy being better and stop worrying about me? Go on Ash, don’t let me stop you, just go and play happy families with Niall or whatever. Don’t worry about me.”
He mumbled. I just sat there wondering how he could be so…so closed. He was practically asking for everyone to forget about him, forget the fact that there’s been something wrong with him for the past six months. Forget the fact that I care. And to go and play happy families with Niall? What’s that supposed to mean? I didn’t know if he had noticed, but I’m not exactly educated in the area of happy families. I bit my lip and ran my fingers over the smooth wooden surface of the desk; it was cold as my fingertips washed over it and slightly rough, dented in places. But what wasn’t dented in places now? Nothing ever seems to be whole anymore, there’s always that little imperfection. Always something missing, maybe it’s about teaching yourself to find that missing puzzle piece, but that’s a bit hard when you have no idea what the finished picture is supposed to look like.
“So what are you gonna do?”
I challenged. I suddenly wondered if I should be offended or not. I had no idea what that happy families remark was supposed to mean, but not everything Louis said did repose of meaning. But I liked to understand, even if I wasn’t meant to.
“What do you mean?”
He shot back almost straight away. His tears had subsided now and he seemed angrier by the second. I knew what it was like to have people nagging at you when you didn’t want their compassion, their care, their love and you just wanted to be left alone. But sometimes you have to look past your anger and accept that people care, people want to help you, people are willing to listen. Because there’s nothing worse than wishing your whole life that you’d be left alone and then you finally are and you end up hating it.
“If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t want anyone to help you. What are you going to do?”
I shrugged and he shot his gaze to mine conveying it into a deadlock all while I just stared at him, waiting, watching for him to give me his verdict.
“Suffer in silence.”
“Yeah,” I scoffed. “Cus that’s been working out so well for you.”
“Ashley just stop pushing it would you?”
He snapped. I wasn’t even surprised; I was expecting him to snap at me. But he wasn’t drained of emotion yet; he had some left to get angry with me, so obviously it wasn’t critical.
“Fine,” I shrugged again. He seemed surprised by my easy acceptance of that, but I think he’s forgetting that I’ve been through that. The thing of being too ashamed of something to tell anyone. No, it’s not easy, but it’s a lot easier if you try and accept help. “Just let me know when you’re ready. You and I both know you can’t keep secrets forever Lou. One way or another, someone’s gonna find out.”
And then I left. I decided to spare myself his reaction to that, sometimes it was better to leave things hanging in the balance. Once someone sees what a thin line they have everyone else hanging by it’s easier for them to make the change, make the effort. Sometimes you have to take risks to get people to open up to you, but they’ll be worth it, if they’re meant to be.
-
An hour later and Louis’ door had not been jarred, shook, or touched by him or anyone. He was going into lockdown. I used to do that, it always seemed easier to lock yourself away in a room from the world. From the stress and suspicions of everyone else. It’s easier to hide from your problems than to face them. It’s a choice; you can be constant, or you can strive for change. Louis, was being constant.
I pulled a brush through my hair, droplets of water flying through the air as I did so creating a pool of water by the sink. Once I got through all the damp knots and snags and it began to recoil into it’s tight curls I squatted down onto the laminate flooring using a towel to wipe up the water that had seceded from my sopping locks. The thinner parts of my bangs began to dry with ten minutes of airtime already in play but the ends and underneath were dense with water as the shower continued to pour steam onto the windows. I’d opened the window meaning a sharp breeze was licking the air in here but it was not seeming to do a lot for the condensation on both the mirror and glass of the window.
At first it was just a faint knocking sound, but then it was growing in frequency and volume building up louder and louder. Then this sequence was followed by another few bangs and silence. I furrowed my brow and continued to tweak with my parting this way and that clipping a few bits in place that were going to a bit too much of buoyant curls. But then it continued although this time not in such frequency, there was silences in between followed by high speed knocking, silence and then low speed knocking. Beginning to get slightly irritated now I slammed my hairbrush down onto the plastic around the sink and squeezed the water out of my hair so it wouldn’t drip and flung the bathroom door open making my way down the hallway and stairs.
Harry and Zayn were stood on stalls in the kitchen by the cooker head. They appeared to have wooden spoons in their hands and were slamming them against the metal of the cooker-head causing it to echo and vibrate with each prominent whack they took. I stood there watching them with my arms folded across my chest waiting for them to notice me.
“Oh hey babe. Wanna join?”
Harry offered giving me a cheeky smile. Zayn turned to look at me a smirk arising on his lips as he took another whack at the innocent metal.
“No. What on earth are you doing that for? You’ll dent that you know.”
They just chuckled and took another few softer taps at it while I just watched in complete awe at how they got entertainment from this.
“Cus it’s fun? And besides, it’s like an instrument. Here, Haz you go first.”
Zayn grinned as he motioned for Harry to go. Harry smiled giving me a wink before swinging his arm back and tapping on the corner a few times creating a higher pitched sound, almost immediately afterwards Zayn drummed his spoon over the middle of the metal creating a lower sound and then they did it at the same time, it was a total mish mash.
“It’s annoying. You want an instrument, why don’t you go and buy a set of drums?”
“Cus this is fun.”
Harry shrugged. I wasn’t getting anywhere so I just sighed rolling my eyes at their immature and rather kitchen destroying behaviour and turned to walk out of the kitchen. I only got as far as the hallway until I was immediately spun around and met by a pair of lips to mine.
“I thought you were in a mood.”
I muffled against his mouth opening my eyes to meet his. He gave me a small smile and then pulled me closer to him entwining his fingers with mine.
“No, I just-I just don’t get why you’re so…Persistent with Louis, I mean, if he’s gonna be grumpy then why does he deserve the attention? I like attention too you know…”
Niall frowned looking down at me expectantly. I rolled my eyes and gave his hand a squeeze and stepped closer to him as I looked up at him and his wistful expression.
“He’s not grumpy Niall…He’s just…Stressed.”
“So if I was stressed then would you give all your attention to me?”
He raised his eye-brows giving me a pointed look. I just looked at him and then quirked an eye-brow as I leaned up higher on my tiptoes.
“Whatever floats your boat Nialler.”
I shrugged and then placed my lips lightly on his cheek, as soon as I pulled away he moved my lips onto his for a few seconds, warm and soft as they disregarded the previous upset over me paying too much attention to Louis. It was barely twenty minutes before I aborted mission, Louis wasn’t having any of it. So in all reality Niall really didn’t miss a lot.
“I haven’t got a boat.”
“It’s a-“
“I know.”
He chuckled and then resumed his lips back to mine pulling me closer so there was no space between us now. I heard someone walk past and tutt but I couldn’t really tell who it was and maybe I didn’t care. Unless it was Louis finally emerging from the room, but that would be some kind of miracle.
“I’m going to go and get ready now. You think you have enough attention to last you?”
I joked while he just pouted at me jutting out his bottom lip. I reached up knotting my fingers in his hair as I ran them through it causing it to stick up and then flattening it out again. It was fluffy from where he had recently showered, making him look even cuter.
“No, no I do not. Where are you going?”
“To see El.”
“Oh,” He said and then bit his lip leaning down and resting his forehead against mine. “Want me to come with you?”
He offered.
“No, it’s okay I think I wanna go on my own this time, and then I have to meet my parents for lunch.”
I shuddered at the thought of lunch today. Parents. Plural. I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt about seeing my Mother again, probably no better than she felt about seeing me. I was surprised she has even agreed to lunch with my Father and I. I was no stranger to how dysfunctional things had been these past few months. Ellie’s situation had not only taken a toll on all of our individual lives, but it had taken a toll on my parents’ marriage as well. I didn’t know if you were supposed to drift apart in the time of a horrible event, but I hoped you weren’t and it was just them as I don’t really do very well in horrible traumas on my own. At least I don’t think I do.
“Parents?”
He questioned emphasising the fact that this was indeed, a plural. I nodded stiffly and then bit my lip.
“Yup.”
“Oh well…Maybe it’ll be good for you.”
“Niall you don’t have to be nice. It’s not like I want to see her.”
“Why are you going then?”
“Cus I have some things to sort out with my Dad…”
I sighed. It wasn’t that I despised talking to my Father, and it wasn’t that I didn’t want him to know what I had to tell him. He deserved to know, he did. But did I want my Mum to know? Did I want her to know that I had spent the past few months in rehab, quit the job that she had been so keen for me to take, and decided to move back to London and move in with Niall? I had basically done everything she didn’t want me to do. I wasn’t trying to be difficult, I wasn’t trying to disobey what she wanted for me. But it just turned out that way. It’s hardly my fault and it’s hardly surprising that we want different things for me. Maybe I’m foolish for saying so, but I’d rather make my decisions around what I want, not what she wants. And at the age of nineteen, shouldn’t I be allowed to do that? Not in her eyes. But we never had seen eye to eye. She wanted me to move to New York to pursue a fashion career, I wanted to do photography in London. She wanted me to break up with Niall, that one explains itself.
“Well you’ll be okay. I’m sure it’ll be over before you know it. Wh-What time do you think you’ll be back?”
I shrugged.
“Two?”
“Awh what? We have rehearsals at one.”
He frowned. I just looked at him wondering why this mattered.
“So…I’ll see you tonight.”
“No, you’ll come see me at the studio.”
He informed me with a curt nod. I bit my lip wondering how well that would go down. I hadn’t seen Claire since I left L.A last year and I don’t really feel like it now, or ever again. What would be my excuse for being there? Oh hi Claire, long time no see I’m just here because I’ve been dating the boy you told me not to for about six months now, we started our relationship again right underneath your watchful eye. We also got caught kissing on the beach once or twice and scheduled any days off so we could be together, hope you don’t mind. She’d love me forever.
“Yeah, I’m sure that’d go down well.”
“It would. Claire hardly comes to the studio anymore. She’ll never know. Please?”
“It’s not just Claire that has a problem Niall.”
I reminded him, he frowned and then shrugged dismissively.
“And what are they gonna do? Mallory goes to the studio. If they have a problem, I’ll just flip the hypocrite card. It’ll be fine.”
He assured me giving me a wide smile and then leaning down pressing his lips against mine for a few seconds as if this would seal the proposal he pulled away looking at me expectantly for my answer.
“Fine.”
I gave in and he beamed pulling me into his chest I slid my arms around his waist in a hug as his hands rested in the small of my back brushing over my skin in soft and velvety motions. He bent his head down pressing a few kisses onto my neck sending small shocks of emotion against my skin, leaving patches of warmth at my already sensitive skin he smirked at my shudder when he pulled away.
“Don’t. Do that.”
I whined and he chuckled ducking his head down and doing the same again, I lifted my head from his chest and looked up at him pushing him away.
“Why not?” He queried and I just looked at him. “Hey I like this top…You should wear it more often.”
He chuckled I rolled my eyes as I pulled it up higher but it just sunk back down.
“It isn’t a top, it’s something you put tops over.”
“Exactly.”
He grinned and then dropped a kiss onto my forehead.
“Whatever Nialler, I’ll see you later…I love you.”
I whispered into his ear and then smiled before pecking his cheek and running back upstairs to get ready.
--
“…But it wasn’t like that though, just know that.”
I breathed and then closed my eyes trying to blot out everything that was surrounding me, it was too familiar. The plain walls, the window that seems to have nothing but a view of a brick wall that you grow to learn the patterns of more and more day by day. The frequent beeping that soon becomes so forever etched in your brain you never hear it anymore. The tugging you feel at your clothes when a nurse comes to stir you from your unpeaceful slumber. But it’s probably the smell that’s the worst, the disinfectant chemicals, bleach, but most of all, it’s the air. It’s so thick, but at the same time it’s so thin, and it makes you wonder whether it reposes of any oxygen or not. But most of all the worst thing in the dense and heavy aroma that wafts into every crack and crevice is the smell of the atmosphere of all lost hope. You can almost feel it draining away as your footsteps echo down the hallway, a constant drone, the squeaking wheels of the bed along the tiles as you’re apparently incapable of walking. And then somewhere, sounding throughout the halls, the floors, the lifts, the stairs, there’s a bloodcurdling scream. Maybe they’ll be a cry, or maybe the scream will be so full of everything sinister it will annihilate all signs of life, and sound and everything will be cloaked in a deleterious silence. And then it might seem like you’re somewhere else, everything will be so quiet that you might almost forget where you are with the soundtrack of the place of horror absent. But then you’ll see the sign: Hospital. And you’ll know where you are again, and that you won’t be getting out anytime soon.
She didn’t move. She just took another short, ragged breath, her chest rising and then falling heavily as she did this. I tried to be strong, I tried to do what Niall did every time he came and sat here, and smile and talk to her like this was normal. But I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t pretend that this was something that it’s not. I could already feel my throat getting tighter, the ache beginning to evolve and my hands beginning to get a little shakier. It’s always harder the first few times. He had told me just before I left. It gets easier as you go, more normal, you know? It’s just routine. I think it’s better for her when you’re calm, she seems calmer too. The fact that he’d done it so many times for him to be able to conclude this made me feel extremely guilty. It wasn’t even as if anyone had asked him to, he just did because he wanted to. And where was I? In New York slaving my guts out over my job, crying over Niall, and then finally getting my life together again. But even if I did achieve a lot over the past few months, the pressure that I was now exerting onto myself that I should have been here was infuriating. I should have. It didn’t matter if not a lot changed, if I ‘didn’t really miss anything’ that was irrelevant; I still should have been here.
“So that’s never gonna happen again, me not being here cus I’m in New York. I promise. And you know how I feel about promises. I don’- I don’t think anyone’s finding this easy you know. Mum…Mum and Dad barely speak any more El. And I- I don’t know how much longer I can take it. This whole…Broken family thing. It was different before, it was different before all of this happened you know. You were like…The only thing holding us together you know. You were the middle, and there is no left or right without the middle. They don’t want me to be the middle, and I don’t want to be it. Is that selfish of me?”
I sighed and gave her hand a squeeze. Nothing. I wasn’t expecting anything. I’ve taught myself to expect the worst now, but there’s still this little glimmer of hope.
“So I bet you of all things he could have told you, you heard that me and Niall were on a break…Yeah, that wasn’t very nice. But we’re okay now, but guess what? I’m okay now, well almost. I did some thinking, some serious thinking and I…I got better, so that’s something else that’s gonna be different when you wake up. But I think you know, that this, it kind of reminds me of Niall and I. Like this is a break between me and you, but maybe…just maybe when it’s over things will be better than they were before. Because in all honesty, maybe what doesn’t kill you does make you stronger, I don’t know…But I know Niall and I are a lot closer now, serious, as well. This probably isn’t really the type of thing you wanna hear, but we’re getting some place of our own some when this year….But if he wants a dog…Lord if he wants a dog. Well you remember how Cookie went all those years ago, never again. You’ll have to come and stay sometime, that’d be nice.”
It was hard not to say if. But sometimes it does pay off to believe that something will happen, with no if’s, no and’s and no but’s it’s nice to at least try and believe that if you really, really want it to, something will happen. Even though there’s no guarantee that she’ll wake up at all, I kind of know that she will. I guess it’s because she’s Ellie, she always bounces back in the end.
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A/N.
urggh I had some trouble with this chapter so sorry if it's not very good:S
right does anyone know what happened to 'thegirlwhowasonfire'? I was loving 'Distance':(
Don't even ask me why I am listening to old Kylie stuff right now ok
Anything Could Happen was on the radio this morning while I was getting dressed and I was like fan girling;3
lololol
oh and shout out to hahaHeckno for the banner thank you!
see yous later.
-Emily.