I was combing my hair with trembling hands when mum entered my room.
She looked sullen and her face was full of pity.
"You don't have to do this you know, besides if Ryan really loves you he'll understand" she said
I turned to her and gave her a sad smile, my mind was made up I'll tell him everything and leave him to decide if he still wants me.
"It'll be alright"
It wasn't.
Ryan had stormed out of the eatery in anger after I narrated my life to him. I even felt him assessing me with disgust at some point.
He had left me alone to cry my eyes out and nurse my misery alone.
"Dee..."
I felt a hand on my shoulder and my eyes met Dozie's worried ones.
"I'm such an idiot"
***
Dozie drove me to the beach since Ryans dramatic reaction had drawn a lot of eyes to me.
He walked alongside with me as I tried to clear my head, he didn't persist I tell him what the problem was but I knew he was curious. His uneasy movements and tense posture told me he was curious.
"What's that" Dozie said dragging me out of my thoughts while pointing at a direction.
"I can't see anything" I said peering deeply, he kept on pointing and I turned to him angrily. My eyes were furrowed and my eyebrows was raised.
I noticed the mischievous grin on his face and my anger melted away, I smiled.
"Now that's better" he said ruffling my hair.
I swatted his arm away with a laugh and he kept on ruffling at each chance he got so I chased him.
I felt my senses come alive as we ran on the smooth sand. I knew I was wasting my time but I persisted and when I felt my energy leave me I sat down and began to laugh, he joined me.
"I feel so relaxed. Thanks Dozie" I said giving him a side smile.
He didn't smile back and my heart skipped, he definitely wanted to ask me questions and I was scared he'll reject me if I opened up as well.
"I know you want to lie to me and I'll advise you not to dare me"
His eyes flitted to me. The sun was long lost and the evening clouds were dark and thick.
"I dont want to talk about it" I replied trying to sound cold and distant.
"Well you must cos I'm not leaving here without an answer" he responded. His voice was hard and on edge and then I had an internal debate, Dozie already most of what my life was keeping this from him was a stupid idea.
"I can't bear children" I finally croaked out.
I peered at him expecting to see the look of shock, irrigation, disgust, disappointment mask his face, the same way Ryan's face had transformed before he began to throw all sorts of names at me.
But Dozie's expression grew calm.
"What happened?"
That was the question mum had thrown at me when I admitted my plight to her years ago, I had expected Ryan to ask the same but no! He had created the worst scenarios in his head and termed me a 'whore'.
The title Papa had given Mama till her death.
'Filthy whore!"