A/N; If you want extra emotions. Listen to JungKook's cover if Ending Scene by IU.
Enjoy the angst.
Alone...
Once again all alone the girl walks inside her small and dark apartment. She drops her drenched bag on the floor and proceeds to take off her clothes as well.
With each step, she takes into her cold and empty apartment she takes a garment off and leaves gravity to drag it down on the floor not really caring about the mess that will be made, it won't be the only mess in her life so why not just add another one? It won't harm.
She shivers when her wet hair touches her exposed back after she removed her shirt. The droplets slide down on her skin, some with difficulty and some with more ease. If only the tears were willing to slide down her cheeks like the droplets from the rain.
It's been over three years since the last time she shed a tear over something and that is when it all started. Her family fell apart, soon after her father passed away and her mother became an alcoholic not being able to handle the loss- even if they had parted ways for a year. The girl was left alone. Her mother was always kept in detox centers, she needed only a week of freedom to relapse into drinking. The girl had to work on her own to make a living for herself and be able to attend the university she so hard had fought to get accepted into. And through all that, the girl did not once break down into tears.
She was miserable, of course, she was angry, yet it all stayed within. She did not know how to express all those feelings. It was as if the moment she realized that her family was done for so was the ability to let emotions loose. And with time, she stopped feeling those as well.
Nothing could trigger them. She reached a point where she prayed for a mental breakdown, for freedom, for expression, yet it never came. Not even the saddest of movies or writings could provoke an emotion to show on her face. She had become and still remains to be, a vessel. An empty vessel that is not powered by a soul but something completely different she hasn't discovered yet.
Once she's left in her underwear she walks into her bedroom and sits on the verge of her bed. Her eyes are empty. She feels a huge void that has only grown to eat her out over the years. She wants to hate it, yet she can't. She doesn't feel anything towards it. She's not even bothered by its existence, yet she knows she should be. She knows she should be experiencing emotions and she wonders why she doesn't.
She remembers her teenage years, she'd cry so often over several things. Just a small poem with meaning was enough to have her bawling her eyes out. A simple sarcastic comment from her father was enough to have her spiral into an angry fight with him, over the way an onion should be cut; in cubes or half-moons.
She chuckles at the memory. That younger version of her would have cried for five days straight after hearing the news of her father passing. She wouldn't have gotten up the next morning to go to work like nothing had happened like her father was never really there.
"Life sucks," she mutters not wanting to walk through this void alone any longer.
Friends never really understood it. She never really opened up to them either. She hadn't revealed those things to them. She believed it would be pointless. No one could really ever help her other than herself and she has no idea how to do that, hence she's stuck on this endless point that the universe just doesn't want to mover her from.
"Can't I just genuinely react to something for once?" she questions while she looks at herself in the mirror-wall that expands opposite of her. She recalls all the times she has fake laughed to people's jokes or funny stories, all the times she's lied about feeling bad or sympathetic to something. She's not even bothered by the fact that she's a cruel liar, even if she knows she should be.
Could I be a psychopath? She wonders knowing that psychopaths don't really experience feelings.
Am I a manipulator? She asks, once again no emotion, positive or negative, being summoned to be felt in the center of her chest.
She takes a deep breath once again disappointed with herself. She walks to her closet, her fingers wrap themselves around the small round handle and as she's about to pull it back her eyes fall on her phone that sits on her nightstand; she left in such a hurry this morning she forgot to take it along.
Curious to see what news she's missed she sits back on her bed and takes the phone in her hands. She unlocks it and see's that she'd left the Wi-Fi open hence she won't be spammed by notifications as they're already there, waiting to be seen by her.
"Alright," she mumbles before she opens the Twitter app to see what BTS have posted there.
This girl happens to be an A.R.M.Y. She discovered them just a few months after they had debuted, she could still express her emotions at the time and when it all stopped she almost found herself abandoning them too but something didn't let her.
Thinking that BTS could have been a mean for her to find the connection with her emotions again she kept following them and their growth but still time has proven to her that not even they can make this wonder for her, but she still held on thinking they'd become a too big part of her life.
At least she could rant everything to the idea of them and they wouldn't judge because they didn't know.
Ah, JungKook posted another cover, she thinks when she sees his tweet from ten minutes ago
Ending Scene..., She reads the Korean words. Having been a non-Korean fan for nearly six years she picked up the language to save herself from the need of translators. She presses on the link that is placed and is immediately taken to their SoundCloud page.
Her Wi-Fi decides to be a problem and takes a few moments to load the song hence until then she takes her earphones and plugs them to her phone and then her ears, to have a better experience.
On perfect timing, the sound of the piano starts sounding in her ears and then JungKook's deep yet soft voice takes over, and that is when the most unexpected thing happens.
Her vision starts getting blurry and she feels her throat closing. As JungKook keeps singing she gasps for air and the first-heavenly- tear slides down her cheek.
There's no question mark in your voice, it's so you
His voice sounds in her head, she grasps the lyrics perfectly, and the second tear follows.
As if it's a rule - Your seat is always the same, by the cold entrance
He continues and the girl tries to gulp the lump that formed in her throat. She's in shock. For she can't do anything about it.
Embracing the turn of events, she falls back on the bed, her phone on her tummy, as she looks at the ceiling and the steaming hot tears keep sliding down, while she listens to his voice and then tries to grasp the emotions he's carrying through the song and make them her own-like she so desperately wishes- yet she still feels nothing.
Make sure you eat well because it'll all pass
You'll be able to fall asleep like you did before
I really mean it
You have the right to be happier
That specific verse. She's not sure if it's the lyrics, the piano, or the color of his voice, but whatever it is...it brings her what she's been seeking for three years; Pain.
The void disappears in the blink of an eye and the heavy feeling takes its place on her chest. She opens her mouth to take in a shaky breath as her nose is too clogged to work properly. She nearly chokes on the air her lungs take in but she manages to overcome it. The song keeps playing, it feels as if JungKook himself is next to her singing completely unbothered by her broken presence.
The moment she has enough air, she exhales with a loud sob. The more she cries the more she feels. Happiness, misery, grief, sadness, anger, the need to laugh, excitement, tenderness, fear disgust, surprise, serenity, loath, ecstasy and...freedom, all these feelings rush through her and they come out in the ugliest of sobs and movements on her bed. To anyone's eyes, it looks like she's having the worts moment of her life but to her...it's euphoria.
__________________A Few Moments Before JungKook Posted The Cover__________________
"I hope she likes this cover," JungKook mumbles to himself as he watches the two files upload on the screen of his computer, "I haven't felt her in over three years what in the world has happened to her?" he wonders while he rubs his hands on his thighs, his anxiety rising as his eyes stay focused on the long and thin white bar that gradually changes into orange and the percentage keeps nearing one-hundred.
Just give me a sign you're okay, please, He thinks as his hand hovers the mousepad and he moves it around to control the cursor so he can share his cover of the song Ending Scene by IU with his beloved fans, A.R.M.Y.
Please, please, please, just a tiny sign, anything, I beg of you, he thinks right after he posts the tweet and sets his hands in a praying position on his face. He waits and he waits and he waits...nothing happens. Eight minutes have already passed and he's seen nothing flash across his mind, not even a tiny figure.
Of course, I won't see her...She may not even know about this cover. He lets his hands flop down on his lap and he leans forward to rest his forehead on his desk.
She might not even be a fan anymore, he pouts his lips as sadness takes over him having missed her image for the past three years.
Are you even my soulmate, miss? What happened? If you were, you wouldn't have abandoned me like that...
The sadness consumes him as he recalls the first time he got a flash of her in his mind. It was a few months after their debut in 2013. The weather was still hot even though it was the end of September.
He was in BigHit's old building, alone in the practice room repeating over and over again the choreography to Bulletproof Part2, even though he had mastered it for months now the last week of September he had a huge struggle with doing it correctly. He was bothered by it so much he forced himself to stay extra hours alone in the practice room just to fix the problem.
"I can't anymore," the body of the eighteen-year-old collapsed on the floor after the fifteenth time he stopped the song midway because it didn't come out as he wanted it to.
He looked up at the ceiling and contemplated every choice he'd ever made, negative thoughts didn't take long to drown him and before he knew it he was curled up on the cold floor and letting out uncontrollable sobs.
This was a mistake, what am I doing with my life, this is wrong, I should have stayed home and studied more, this life isn't for me
The thoughts were neverending. He realized he'd given himself a migraine from all the crying. Once the tears dried down, he lied on his back stared at the ceiling again,
"I should give up," his voice came out as a whisper as he started thinking of how it was going to be when he returned home to Busan. Were his parents going to scold him for this decision? What were the other members going to say? Would they hate him for giving up on them and their common dream?
His questions didn't find an answer even though he planned on thinking up scenarios for each case. Yet again he didn't even get to that because the bright image of a girl looking down at a laptop screen showed up in his mind the moment he closed his eyes;
"This is Jungkook?" the girl pointed at the screen and she smiled warmly, "He's very cute."
"Wait he's my age?" she gasped and looked at the person sitting next to her, whom Jungkook couldn't see, "He's such an amazing dancer!" the girl speaks in awe as she turns her gaze back to the screen, her mouth hanging open shocked to what she's witnessing, "He's so cool, I think he's my favorite," she giggled.
And then everything returned to black and Jungkook's eyes snapped open. To say that he wasn't confused and scared because of what happened would be an understatement however the things the girl said did bring a smile on his face and motivated him enough to try out the choreography once more, and this time succeeding in doing it just exactly as he wanted to.
You pulled me out of my slump so many times just because you were admiring me, Jungkook thinks as he sits up in his chair and blankly stares at his screen watching the numbers of hearts and retweets drastically change on his most recent post.
Why aren't you giving me that anymore? Are you okay? He asks in his mind knowing that no one is going to answer. No one ever has except himself.
It's a lost case, he gives up as he leans back on his chair and closes his eyes to take a moment to breathe and shake the negative feelings away.
Yet, something he's given up hope for happens. The moment his eyes close instead of seeing black-like always-, he sees a dull and dark room, a semi-double bed and a girl in her underwear curled up in the middle of it. The hears the faint sound of the cover he just uploaded being played. Her body is shaking and his ears get filled with the sound of her sobbing. Suddenly all he sees is her face and he recognizes it immediately.
It's her. The girl that kept him company in his thoughts for five and a half years, the girl that motivated him by randomly appearing in his mind whenever he needed it. Speaking great things of him and how she admired him for working hard. For the first two and a half years of his career that is. Then she was just a token of his memory.
He had tried so hard to bring back the connection between him and her. Not to boost his confidence anymore, that is the last thing he could care about. He tried because over those two years and a half she grew on him. He'd seen moments of her being happy, sad, angry, any possible emotion and through social media, he tried his hardest to cheer her up whenever she needed it. Or to motivate her to study when he knew she was too lazy to continue memorizing that page or finishing that exercise.
He had realized-after research- that she is his soulmate and he wanted to take care of her in any way possible. He never managed to get any type of information about her through the moments he was connected to her, not even her name, hence he couldn't go around the world and search for her. That's why he was devastated when for three consecutive years he hadn't heard or seen of her.
Was she alive? Was she dead? He didn't know and it was eating him up. Why could he not see her experience all these emotions again? No matter what could have happened to their connection he still tried to reach her as he used to when he was sure she was an A.R.M.Y.
He'd often get the flash of her smile whenever he posted a supportive message through a tweet or he'd get to see her tear stained face whenever he uploaded an emotional cover of a song he knew related to her.
And now he's here again. Witnessing her go through all these emotions at once while listening to another song he has uploaded in hope of it reaching her and it has.
"Damn you, Jeon Jungkook," she says through her sobs as she throws her fist to a pillow, "I didn't believe you could do it."
And as soon as she utters those words he loses all sight of her.
His eyes snap open and he nearly jumps off of his red gamer chair. He looks around his room confused. He's experiencing so many feelings at once.
She's back.
She's back, she's alive, I can see her, Oh my-
He takes a deep breath to calm himself down and contain his screams of excitement. He's ecstatic. He didn't believe it would happen again. It's so euphoric to see that the link with this soulmate hasn't disappeared and that his attempts to reach her with the only way he knows didn't go in vain.
The smile on his face his big and it's beaming with happiness however drastically disappears and his stomach twists when he realizes;
She was not okay...
___To Be Continued___