Cover by namelessazre
I’m used to having eyes on me but they are usually eyes of high school as well as college girls, envious boys and admiring grandmothers not deadly eyes of murderous stoners.
‘What did you say Rodriguez?’ Seth asked. Bloodshot eyes warning me not to test his patience but I wasn’t going to heed to that warning.
‘I said I am not the man for the job, give it to someone else’.
‘I want it to be you’. He said calmly.
‘I cannot do it’. I maintained.
‘Why not?’ Tattered butted in.
‘I am not a killer’. I said, staring firmly at him.
‘That is why we are making you one’. He said like it was the simplest thing in the world.
‘Thanks for the kind gesture but I’m good’.
‘We insist’. Seth said, taking a drag from his pipe.
‘What? Now you think you are better than us?’ Tattered spoke, taking large steps toward me that were supposed to be threatening.
‘Huh? Rich kid. You think because daddy has it all you are better than the rest of us? Nigga you gotta be crazy. I could snap your neck right now’. He said, fanning my face with his dumpster breath and I was tempted to puke.
‘Back off’. I hissed.
‘Whatcha say scumbag?’ he growled, stepping even closer to me.
‘Pharaoh!’ Seth boomed and he backed away from my face. So that was his name? Little wonder why my brain never did accept it.
Rising from his seat, Seth took Pharell’s previous position before me. He took a drag from his pipe and let the smoke out of his nostrils unto my face.
‘Look here Rodriguez, you’ve been chosen to handle this shit and you are going to do it, because I said so and consider it a way to prove yourself to our brothers coz if you fail, your pops ain’t gonna have any more patients to tear open after the media tear him from inside out. You get me boy?’
I stared into his eyes, trying to keep myself from spitting in his face then I saw Steve shaking his head at me so I decided it wasn’t wise to get myself killed over my stubbornness.
‘I hear you’. I said, deciding to find a way out of that mess later.
‘Good. Now all of you, out’. He stormed to his office.
Steve was on me the second I walked out the door.
‘Bruh what was that, you tryna die?’ He asked disbelievingly.
‘I can’t kill someone’.
‘Well, it’s either them or you. Seth might be fond of you but he won’t waste a second before sending a bullet between your eyes if you show another sign of rebellion’.
‘Why can’t he just pick someone else?’
‘You are new. This is sort of like your trust test’.
‘Did you go through this too?’
‘Didn’t have to, he knew I won’t risk my family’s safety’.
I turned to face him.
‘Steve, have you thought that even when your remaining time is up, Seth might still not allow you to leave and use your family as bait?’
He laughed.
‘Dude how dumb do you think I am? I have plans, nothing is going to stop me from leaving this shithole when the time comes’. He said with confidence that I envied.
We got to my car and he got into the passenger seat. I lifted a brow at him.
‘Drop me off at the mall’. He ordered and I was so tired I didn’t even protest even if it wasn’t on my way.
Steve is a cool guy. Being fully aware of my off mood, he made it his duty to be quiet throughout the ride only speaking up when it was somewhat necessary like telling me to slow down.
After I dropped him off, there was nothing to stop me from exceeding all the speed limits.
My mind was set in overdrive and I couldn’t gather my thoughts. Lauren once told me to think about pretty colorful things but that only worked when I was a six year old with anxiety problems. Now, I was an eighteen year old with a family to protect, people to lose and a healing insomnia from the darkest part of my life, I couldn’t conjure up colorful thoughts even in my dreams.
As I rolled into the driveway, I was surprised to not see a patrol car tailing me. I was aware of my disheveled hair but knew it could only get worse once I managed to get to my bed.
The laughter coming from the living room wasn’t Malik’s weird throttle but the careless ringing of my mother’s voice merged with my father’s rich alto. He had taken a week off work to spend some time with his wife but the sideways glances he gave me every time I stepped out of the house had me observing my rearview mirrors for trailing vehicles.
They were both cuddled on the couch, watching a black and white comedy with half eaten bowl of popcorn on dad’s lap. A smile was creeping up my cheek when I sighted Meghan on the farthest seat from them and it turned into a grin, she looked so uncomfortable.
‘Popcorn isn’t healthy for oldies’. I made my presence known.
‘It’s sugar free Zayn and I think your mother and I are young enough’. Dad replied, eyes still fixed on the TV, whatever was interesting about black and white?
‘Young enough for?’ I asked
‘To continue the act of procreation’. Dad responded
‘Maybe she didn’t tell you but mom has to have hit menopause’.
‘Zayn!’ Mom scolded as Meghan looked to the floor to hide her laughter.
I raised my hands in surrender even as they couldn’t see me or refused to see me.
‘Just make sure you are off the couch when you decide to continue, you know…’
This time they both turned to give me stern looks that faded as Meghan’s laughter echoed in the room.
‘Where have you been young man?’ Mom inquired
‘Running errands’.
‘It’s Sunday’.
‘So?’ She sighed and rolled her eyes. ‘June hasn’t been feeling too well. Sue sent Meghan here with some soup’.
I didn’t need to see my mother’s smile to get the message she was sending. The last time someone was sick and needed soup, baby Carl popped out a few months later.
‘Great, I’ll be in my room’. I could feel Meg’s frustration at once again being left alone with my parents.
‘You want a change of scenery?’ I asked her and her eyes flashed.
‘Please’. Was all she said.
She was behind me in seconds, urging me to move up the stairs.
We walked into the sun room which was more of my mom’s indoor garden. She had different types of plants in here and once upon a time, I knew the names of most of them.
‘You definitely look relieved’. I said as she let herself unto one of the two cushions.
‘Watching your parents being lovey dovey isn’t exactly a huge turn on’.
‘It would’ve been weird if it were’. She chuckled slightly.
‘So June is having a baby?’ I asked to be sure.
‘That’s what our mothers think. She hasn’t even had a test yet’. She said boringly.
‘You don’t seem excited to be an aunt’.
‘I’ve had limited experiences with aunts. I had two, one decided to become a professional porn star and the other left her family for her young lover man so nope, not really looking forward to being one’.
‘So this porn star aunt of yours, you think you can…’
‘Don’t even go there Rodriguez’. She warned and I laughed.
‘Seriously though. I think you’ll be a kickass aunt’.
She turned to stare at me and smiled weakly.
‘Why, thank you’.
I lay on the other cushion facing the bright sun. The sun room used to be my favorite part of the house, there was always something about being surrounded by greenery and flooding light but I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy it at the moment, Seth’s angry face kept coming to mind and reminding me that one way or another, I was going to have to destroy peoples’ lives.
‘You brought me here to bore the life out of me’. Meghan’s voice interrupted my chaotic thoughts. Her eyes were already on me by the time I looked at her and she sighed.
‘What’s up with you? You are being a tad bit gloomy and for you, that means there is a lot more beneath the surface’.
How she was able to debunk that, I have no idea but there was no way I was letting her in on this mess.
‘It’s the withdrawal coupled with the antidepressants’.
She scoffed.
‘Zayn, you do not take your antidepressants’. She stated with a tone that said I wasn’t going to convince her otherwise.
‘Okay. Let’s go with the withdrawal then’. I said, hoping she’d stop prying.
‘You promised not to keep secrets’.
‘This won’t remain a secret for long’.
‘Zayn’. She sounded frustrated.
‘I’m fine’.
‘Is it about the gang?’
‘Meghan please drop it’.
‘Sharing always makes it better’. She offered.
‘Sharing always endangers others’. I said with conviction that shut her up for a few minutes. I knew she wasn’t going to bring it up again, not today at least.
‘I never knew a room like this existed’. She said instead and I smiled.
‘We used to come hang here frequently’.
She gave me an incredulous look.
‘Freya and I. You see those lavender?’ I point to the tiny purple flowers. ‘She insisted we plant those, mom always added them to cookies and tea when she came visiting’.
She was giving me the same look she gave me the night of my parent’s anniversary.
‘What?’ I asked
‘I’m trying to picture you gardening, cuddling and eating cookies. I want to know that part of you’.
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In case you were wondering, yes. The triple update is a bribe so y'all won't give up on me... I'm contemplating updating in bundles once every week
Special dedication to nishbernie