Side note: Halfway through this form I started hallucinating, but somehow I had enough brain power to realize that maybe I shouldn't publish the completed review until later so when I'm NOT hallucinating I could go over everything and make sure my hallucinating brain didn't add anything strange.
Thank heavens for that, because only later did I realize how crappy some of the critique was, and made the review a lot better.
Also, I'm so sorry this was so late.
Anyway, onwards!
Name ~ Amaryllis
Good name!
Age - A bit over 7
Young adult, eh?
Gender ~ Male
Thought it was female, but aye, males are always welcome.
Tribe ~ Leafwing
Oooh, there's a first in this review book! A non-Pyrrhian tribe!
Sexuality - Straight
That's fine.
Rank - Leafwing pretending to be silkwing, I guess?
An interesting concept, but how? LeafWings and SilkWings look drastically different. Does he use, like, a blanket to cover his wings and a hat?
Edit: Okay, after looking at how he does it, I strongly recommend removing it. As I'll say two other times in this form, I recommend Amaryllis just wearing a cape for the first few years of his life, and then making Stinger a used-to-be tattoo artist before meeting Amaryllis and taking him in, and when Amaryllis is older, Stinger tattoos large orange tattoos (I say orange because if it starts to fade, or it doesn't completely cover everything, other dragons can just assume the brown scales are just a really dull/dark orange) all over Amary's body and wings to make him look more like a SilkWing.
Additionally, Why is he pretending to be a SilkWing? What's the story, here? Why doesn't he just live in the Poison Jungle?
Queen Supporting - None.
Makes sense, I suppose. Not like he'd support Queen Wasp.
Time Period / Era - Depends on roleplay. If I make a book about him, around 5-20 years b4 Arc 3
Okay
AU Or Not - He is in the normal universe of WOF.
Makes sense
Personality ~ He is pretty shy, but is annoying a lot... To his friends, he is annoying, talkative, and sometimes funny or sarcastic.
I honestly like his personality so far, but the words you're using are a bit broad. For example: he's annoying, but how is he annoying? Is he absentminded? Fidgety? Distracted?
And then: How is he shy? Is he quiet? Awkward? Tries to avoid the spotlight? Doesn't engage with other dragons?
What's his humor like?
What makes him talkative, if he's usually shy around everyone excepting friends?
You need to be a bit more specific with your wording and maybe add some traits and details. Then you're good.
Likes ~
He really likes his friends, he loves learning about plants and animals, and enjoys school.
I like this. Not much else to say.
Dislikes ~
He dislikes most hivewings but Stinger and a few others. He doesn't like the dark, or Queen Wasp.
Okay.
Fears ~
He fears Queen Wasp will find out he is not a silkwing, but a hivewing,
You mean LeafWing?
but Stinger covers it up well.
Strengths~
His strengths are mostly in school and learning, while he is also good at making friends.
I thought he was shy though? And annoying (I feel like this part was important since you mention him being annoying to both his friends and everyone else that aren't his friends)? How's he good at making friends?
Weaknesses ~
He is not prepared for sickness, making him weaker than most while being sick. Another weakness is his fear of being found, which makes him afraid near Queen Wasp, but he hides his fear well.
I can't imagine he'd interact with Queen Wasp at all, since he's only a SilkWing (unless he works for some higher-up that, in turn, works for Queen Wasp, but I think he's a student from what I understand so that'd be a little strange), which makes the sentence "afraid near Queen Wasp" strange.
Detailed Appearance ~
He is mostly brown and white, with red tiny, tiny, spots on his scales. He has some pink scales near his wings, and some orangeish-amberish scales too.
I don't think LeafWings have white in their scales?
But other than that — good heavens, this says almost nothing! No eye color? Weight? Height? Unique features? Nothing? You say "detailed appearance," but that, right there, is not detailed. I suppose the description of the scale colors is detailed, but when I ask for an appearance, I'm not asking for only the scale colors.
Also, adding what his painted-on SilkWing alias looks like would be utterly fantastic.
Powers - None. Unless you count his skills in school and hiding XD
Lmao okay
I assume he has the rest LeafWing abilities though
Family-
His mother is a leafwing named Maple,
Maple's canon
whom due to being in the war and surviving, it rude and angry like her mate, Thistle, Amaralys' father. He had a brother named Oak, who died a month after being born, due to weakness. Oak's stronger twin, Sunflower, a female, survived, and had nature power,
All LeafWings have that power I thought?-
stronger than normal due to Oak.
Friends - Firetip, a silk-hivewing hybrid whom is 3/4th Silkwing
WOAH WHAT-
How? How did this happen? WHAtTT-
This is like, forbidden. Like, the kind of forbidden where you might be thrown in prison just for engaging in the other tribe romantically.
and doesn't know how her father is infact Stinger, the hivewing caring for Amaryllis. She is the only dragon other than Stinger and Amaryllis whom knows Amaryllis is an Leafwing, and she is fine with it, unlike how other silkwings - and hivewings - would be about it. She is thought to be a flamesilk.
Multiple things wrong with this:
Why is Firetip fine with this? Why? LeafWings are basically demons to anyone who grew up in the hive. Why is she so fine with this? Like, "Oh, look, a dragon I've been told my life will murder me and everyone I care about! Hi, friend!"
Also, if she's thought to be a flamesilk, she'd probably be captured by now and stuck in that cave-thing flamesilks are put in, since you mention later she DOES have flamesilk and therefore the right age to be figured out from her metamorphosis and then thrown in the cave-thing. Remember, Queen Wasp is almost 90 or something, so her reign has probably lasted for a long, long time, and she'd remember if Firetip's mother or grandmother or grandfather was a flamesilk.
And — how is she 3/4th SilkWing? Wouldn't it be 1/2 SilkWing, since Stinger, a pureblooded HiveWing, is her father?
Riggie, a technically-friend due to seeing him at school and talking and playing with him and Firetip together.
What's Riggie named after? I just saw chicken when I looked it up
I really hope he wasn't named after chicken
Poor Riggie
Crush ~ Firetip
Okay
Dragonets - None.
Makes sense
Mate - None.
Makes sense 2
Residence - The Vinegaroon Hive.
Okay
Occupation - Learning as a silkwing.
Ahh. Why didn't you add that to the rank?
Backstory ~ He was found by a hivewing named Stinger whilst he was exploring the poison jungle amongst friends and got lost, and was raised by that hivewing. He remembers that night, as clear as the sky.
Wait uhmmmm
Exploring? Poison Jungle? With friends?
I'm wildly confused.
Wooo okay.
Was he raised in the Hive? If so, why there and not in the Poison Jungle with the rest of the LeafWings? How wasn't he figured out? Who raised him until this point? How did he manage to get to the Poison Jungle at all? Isn't nobody supposed to go there?
And with his friends? Which friends?
The hivewing looked behind his back. "Okay. Nobody's there. Come on, little dragonet. I'll keep you safe." That's his first memory of Stinger, or any hivewing.
, and he was raised to pretend to be a Silkwing who had a mutation which is rare, having wings their whole life, but it have a disability or having no silk and only two wings and not being able to metamorphosis.
Okay, so I think the silk disability and only one pair of wings are plausible disabilities, but not ever going through metamorphosis isn't. Instead, what if he pretended to have gone through metamorphosis at a really young age instead of not at all due to said disabilities?
But what I just said doesn't really matter, because here's the thing: dragons know what the body structure of LeafWings look like. They all do. There are posters everywhere.
I recommend this:
He wore a cape most of his younger years, and when he was a bit older, Stinger (who, additionally recommended, was a professional tattoo artist before meeting Amaryllis) tattooed orange patterns to match his brown scales (you can make the designs up, of course) on his entire wings and body to mostly cover up the leaf patterns and pure brown scale color, since SilkWings can have orange scales. It would be painful, but I sure bet it'd be worth if he were going to do this for the rest of his life.
He had lived in the Vinegaroon Hive almost his whole life. He doesn't know his actual family, and he was painted by the hivewing, named Stinger, to look like a silkwing.
Ripping off Cricket's idea FTW
But that helps my point more: as we saw in the book, Blue's paint started peeling pretty quickly. This paint would have to be applied several times a day, and even then, it's not a really good disguise. Again, I recommend making Stinger give him orange tattoos across his whole body to make sure he looks more like a SilkWing.
I would say his silkwing appearence, but that would take a while... He kind of looks like blue with some dark and green doors here and there, but only none pair of wings and light green leafish-painted-to-look-like-a-silkwing-wings. He has a friend Silkwing named Firetip, who has firesilk, but nobody knows about that yet.
*Flamesilk
Even if it were just suspected, they would've thrown her into the cave-thing by now. Also, this is a rare ability, and she's a quarter HiveWing. I don't think she needs this power; it doesn't appear to contribute to her character, Amaryllis' character, or the story at all.
He met her a year after being found by Stinger, outside of a honey drop shop. He bought her a few honey drops, and eventually grew to have a crush on her. He is also Riggie's friend, a friend of Firetip's. He doesn't know Riggie as well as Firetip, since Riggie and Firetip have known each other since age three, and Amaryllis only knew them since he turned age five. Firetip knows Amaryllis isn't a real Silkwing, and his "Silkwing name" is Atlas.
You mean alias?
So, the backstory needs some work. Not just where I pointed out; there doesn't seem to be a lot of other things going on, other than meeting Stinger, meeting Firetip & Riggie, and explaining what his SilkWing alias is.
Well, I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh, but Amaryliss seems like a side-kick or a side-character rather than a fully fledged OC, mostly because I can summarize Amaryliss' whole character in 2-3 sentences. Everything's so vague and not enough details are filled in.
Overall Review:
The Good Parts::
— The rank is good
— The abilities are realistic
— The concepts are intriguing
The Bad Parts::
— The personality doesn't have enough traits or details, and the terms used to describe the personality are too broad.
— The appearance doesn't quite make sense; brown LeafWings don't have white spots. Additionally, where are the details? There's almost nothing else there, and I've got no idea what their eye color looks like or anything.
— The name "Maple" is canon.
— Firetip's hybridism is unnecessary, strange, and left unexplained: a SilkWing and a HiveWing is forbidden.
— The casual dismissal of Amaryllis being a LeafWing.
— Firetip being a flamesilk (& generally thought to be a flamesilk) and not captured yet.
— Unexplained not-in-the-Poison-Jungle part
— The cover of Amaryllis not going through metamorphosis is unrealistic. It's like a human not going through puberty; sounds strange, doesn't it?
— Using paint to cover it up. I'll explain why this isn't plausible in the next section.
— The lack of events in the backstory.
How To Improve + Suggestions:
For the personality — Be more descriptive when describing what your character is like. You're using too broad terms, like shy, annoying, and funny. Be more descriptive; ask them what makes Amaryllis have those traits. Additionally, him being generally annoying AND good at making friends don't make sense; I recommend removing one of those, and if the "good at making friends" is the trait you keep, give him more friends.
For the appearance — Definitely be more descriptive with this one! You don't tell me anything else besides his scale color. You don't even tell me his eye color, accents, underscales; nothing. Also, I don't think LeafWings have white in their scales since they're leaf-colored, but that's the least important; add things other than his scale color, please.
For the name "Maple" — Change the name. You don't really need to do anything else.
For Firetip's hybridism — It's unnecessary, forbidden, and doesn't make sense (if Stinger's her father, how is she only 1/4 HiveWing?), so I recommend removing it entirely.
For the casual dismissal of Amaryllis being a LeafWing — why wasn't Firetip afraid, even if only initially? Why did she just decide it was fine and everything was alright? Explain and answer those questions, and then you'd be okay.
For Firetip being a flamesilk — Either remove it or change it so she's either a) on the run from the guards, or b) Firetip's and her past family line's flamesilks have kept their flamesilk secret in order to hide from Queen Wasp, nobody knows (except Amaryllis), and Firetip's metamorphosis was held in secret. The reason why I suggest making her whole family history of flamesilks unknown is because if Wasp figured out Firetip MIGHT have flamesilk, she'd be monitored and they'd capture her and whatnot.
For the Unexplained not-in-the-Poison-Jungle part — All you have to do is explain WHY Amaryllis wasn't living in the Poison Jungle in the first place. Also, why was Stinger in there? Who were Amaryllis' friends? What happened to them?
For the cover of Amaryllis not going through metamorphosis — Everything else is fine, but this part kind of isn't. Just make his cover story more along the lines of "he had his metamorphosis really early due to disabilities."
For using paint to cover it up — It would be a better cover-up necessarily... but do keep in mind that not only is it not original, but in the books, the idea came from a dragonet who wanted to put it on another dragonet for a brief amount of time. You're suggesting a full-grown dragon decided to put paint on a dragonet every single day for the rest of his life when there are far better solutions that a dragon Stinger's age can come up with (and that are more original than just ripping off a canon character's idea).
Remember my suggestion: "He wore a cape most of his younger years, and when he was a bit older, Stinger (who, additionally recommended, was a professional tattoo artist before meeting Amaryllis) tattooed orange patterns to match his brown scales (you can make the designs up, of course) on his entire wings and body to mostly cover up the leaf patterns and pure brown scale color, since SilkWings can have orange scales. It would be painful, but I sure bet it'd be worth if he were going to do this for the rest of his life." The reason why I said orange tattoos is because "if it starts to fade, or it doesn't completely cover everything, other dragons can just assume the brown scales are just a really dull/dark orange."
For the lack of events — This is self-explanatory; there aren't enough things happening in the backstory other than him meeting Stinger, his friends, and then explaining his alias. All of these are good things to have in a backstory, don't get me wrong; it just shouldn't be the only thing in a backstory. I recommend giving him more events that don't revolve around meeting a friend (it can include or even be based around one of his friends or family, but it shouldn't be about meeting a friend because frankly, you've done that too many times).
My Rating:
6.7/10
Originality: 20.5/25 (1 point knocked off for the name "Maple" being canon, 1.5 points knocked off for Firetip's hybridism, 2 points knocked off for ripping off Cricket's idea to use paint as a cover-up)
Realism: 7.5/25 (2.5 points knocked off for the personality, 4 points knocked off for the appearance, 1.5 points knocked off for Firetip's casual dismissal of Amaryllis being a LeafWing, Firetip's hybridism, 2 points knocked off for the "Unexplained not-in-the-Poison-Jungle part," 1.5 points knocked off for the "cover of Amaryllis not going through metamorphosis," 3 points knocked off for using paint to cover Amaryllis' being-a-LeafWing up, 3 points knocked off for the lack of events)
Interest: 15/25 (I'm not very interested in this character)
Uniqueness: 24/25 (This character is very unique)