Have you ever worked yourself up by overthinking a situation so much that so many different scenarios run through your mind?
You don't even think logically, your mind just takes over, mustering up the worst possible outcomes.
That's what I did with telling Revon about Ignacio.
I didn't even realise that that's what happened until Revons eyes brighten up so much when he puts two and two together, a sly smirk sent my way and giggles.
"You sly dog, he was your first man, wasn't he?! Spill, I want to know everything!"
This reaction stumped me, but I realised that if I was to have thought about it all logically, I would have thought about how Ignacio and myself weren't intimate for a long time, we were never official, no romantic feelings were shared.
I would have thought about how Revon and I are only learning about each other, and that side of me with Ignacio was a thing of the past.
"You're not bothered about the idea of me still being close to him, regardless of that kind of history?" I ask, wanting to ease my mind so I can relax when telling him everything he wants to know.
"Bothered? Of course not, Babe. Unless when you say close friends, you mean you are still... You know... Doing that - with him, then maybe. Anyway, we have had such heavy topics since I arrived, and this sounds like some tea sipping, wig whipping, gossip"
I stare at him confused by the terms that he uses but I decide to focus on his smile, the giddiness pouring out as he stares at me in surprised happiness.
"Uh, ok, if you say so... Well - as I said, we met during that holiday, was at some bar on the main strip and we only kissed that night, but we agreed to meet again the next day for a quiet drink. Ignacio, I won't lie, he is a handsome man and I had felt drawn to him. The more we talked the next day, the more I liked him, though it wasn't romantic or anything, but I liked him. I didn't and still don't define my sexuality as gay, I honestly don't know what I would label it. I know I'm not straight either, so I don't know, it's still a mystery but that's why I don't label. But at the time, I guess I was exploring? I had never been drawn to someone in that way before Ignacio. At first, I couldn't place it, but after we talked and talked the next day, I really enjoyed his company.
"Anyway, I was in Spain for 2 weeks, we first met on my second night there. Every night we got together after speaking for hours upon hours about ourselves, days passed, and we were getting closer and closer. I'm sure you can guess what went on. Before I left he mentioned that he had been looking at colleges abroad and that this was one location on his list. At this stage my way of looking at him started to change, I didn't like him the same way, but I cherished him more and more as a friend each time we talked while away from each other."
"So you both stayed I contact after you left? I am presuming he ended up coming here for college in the end?"
"Yes, he did. He had become close to Rodney and Summer over in Spain also, and we were, I don't know what we were, but he'd said that he felt drawn to here since he knew people, felt more comfortable. We basically picked up where we left off in Spain, it felt natural at the time. But, for whatever reason, the lust that was once there between us faded, and the friendship I seen in him grew much more. I was never in love with Ignacio, but I did love him. So, I knew what we were doing couldn't continue, though I still didn't want to lose him from my life. We talked, and talked, and eventually, both agreed. Our view on each other was very similar."
Revon doesn't look fazed at all as he moves to sit alongside me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder, kissing my head as he does. "How long did you two last?"
"Um... I don't know for definite. Although we finished things, it didn't stop for another few months after but, it was less than a year. So that's 4 years ago. Since then, we didn't do anything but for whatever reason, the affection between us remained. If people had seen us they would have presumed that we were a couple. Kisses as greetings, cuddles, late night talks, I had thought we even had date nights, but I recently learned those weren't valid in his eyes. We became best friends, with additional features I suppose."
I don't even notice the weight lifting from my chest as I tell Revon the history between Ignacio and me, even if it isn't that bad of one, to begin with. Revons hand slips away from around my shoulder bough, much to my displeasure, and he grips his hands together tightly for a moment.
"Are, uh, are you both still that close?"
"No – At least not since after I met you and he noticed the change in my behaviour when he greeted me as normal." I pause for a moment, watching as his eyebrows furrow together. "Revon..." His eyes snap over to mine and I can see the smile trying to show but flatter. "I don't think any words will reassure you that there is nothing for you to worry about with regards to him, but I will show you in any way I can through actions. Also, I want you to understand that that was our norm for 4 years, we may still seem that close if you ever see us but there are no hidden feelings there, this I can promise you."
"But, what about him?" He whispers, leaning over to rest his head on my shoulder as he hugs my arm. "Am I going to have to deal with a crazy, handsome, ex?"
I can't hold in the laugh that escapes me. "No, not at all, Sweetheart. He is crazy, though it is not like you are thinking. He is happy for me. And he was excited when I spoke of you, wanting to meet you. You will see this when you do, and I can imagine you both getting on well." He tenses when I say this, similar to when my friends were first mentioned. "Sweetheart, is everything ok? You don't seem comfortable when I mention my friends, and I'm sorry if I said something that bothered you. But you asked..."
"No – No, don't apologise. It's just... my nightmares." He sighs, sitting up to face me, holding my hands in his. "I trust you, I don't know why but I do. But, I don't think I'm ready to tell you everything yet."
"As I already said, whenever you're ready, I will be here for you."
"I know." He whispers, avoiding eye contact but finally looks back at me, determination in his eyes but also worry. "I guess since you told me about your ex, I should tell you about mine."
"You don't –"
"I know, but I want to. We met when I started college, I was about 18 at the time. We were both studying law, and even though he was 2 years ahead of me, we had many classes together. I fell for him hard, would have done anything for him. After the first 6 months with him, I didn't see it, but he started to change. His behaviour changed; his way of acting around me changed. No one noticed, but Ellis did. As my ex changed, he was changing me also. Time passed, I became a shell, he became strict and scary. He became my nightmares."
He starts to tremble as his eyes well up with unshed tears. I move to pull him into an embrace, but he shrugs me off, wrapping his arms around himself instead.
"It's whatever. But depending on what nightmares I relive in my sleep, little triggers happen. Such as the mention of your friends. I guess it's because I like you so much, you're the first guy that I've really liked since it all happened. But, it's because of that that there is always that worry in the back of my mind. What if I am walking the same path? What if you change as he did? What if you get your friends to –" He cuts himself off with a choked sob.
Although I can tell that there is so much more to his story, reading between the lines speaks more than anything. I don't hesitate to pull the broken man onto my lap and cradle him in my arms. Revons hands cling to me tightly, his face pressed into my neck as he cries hard. I feel completely out of my comfort zone, but I know that I can't ignore Revons distressed state. I rub my hand up and down his back, trying to keep a steady voice as I whisper words of comfort in his ear, hoping he can find ease in it as my own tears run down my cheek.
We sit there for almost 30 minutes straight, Revons breathing eventually evening out as he cries himself to sleep. I felt relieved that I had created the fort because I soon discovered that Revons extra muscle added to his weight and lifting him to a bed would have been a struggle.
Feeling sleep threatening to take over, I managed to adjust our positions to a more comfortable one on the pile of pillows and blankets, pulling Revon into my arms, and letting sleep take over.
~
Come morning, I am greeted by the pleasant sight of a bashful Revon who is trying to escape my smothering embrace, a bright red face as he tries not to wake me.
I loosen my hold on him, earning a sigh of relief when I do as he turns to give me a quick once over but freezes when he sees my open eyes on him already.
"Uh, I... Good morning!" He rushes out, ducking his head and he shifts in his spot awkwardly.
"Good morning, Sweetheart. Are you ok?"
He nods his head quickly, but the shifting doesn't cease. "I – Yes, I'm ok. I was just going to go to the bathroom, I'm sorry if I woke you."
"No need to be sorry, you remember where it is, right?" He nods as he eyes me for a moment. He leans in slightly as though he is going to give me a kiss, but his eyes widen before he does, and he quickly crawls away to exit the fort. I follow him out before he can make his quick escape. "Revon, shower and freshen up if you want to, I will leave some clothes outside the door for you, I'm sure you don't feel comfortable after sleeping in those. The new toothbrush you used the last day is still there also."
He nods his head in thanks and continues out of the room quickly. I take my time getting to my feet, stretching as I do, happy to have a surprisingly pleasant sleep with Revon in my arms, but it falters when I recall the words he shared before crying himself to sleep.
I make a quick decision, deciding to make it my mission to take his mind off of everything for the rest of the weekend. Grabbing my phone that I left in the fort, I send a few texts quickly and start dismantling my beautiful creation.
Once all is down and put away, I make sure to grab something for Revon to wear before heading to the kitchen to put some breakfast together for us. The soft sound of footfall catches my attention just as I am plating the freshly made omelettes. Revon stands in the doorway, shuffling from one foot to the other as he keeps his eyes downcast.
"Sweetheart –"
"I'm sorry for falling asleep. If I overstayed my welcome and you would like me to leave then I will, I should probably just leave now. And... And I'm sorry for what I said last night and how I behaved. You shouldn't have had to see me like that and I doubt you care about some stupid mistake I made-"
I quickly place the two plates on the dining table and make my way over to the man, pulling him into a hug. "I care. I care. Understand?" He lets out a shaky breath as he hesitantly hugs me back, nodding his head against my shoulder. "And you didn't overstay your welcome, I was going to ask you to stay the night anyway, especially since it was getting late and a lot of heavy topics were shared. Anyway, I love your company. Now, let's eat, yeah?"
Breakfast is silent, not many words shared but the shy looks and smiles I receive from Revon fill it up nicely. Once I clear off my plate, I watch him silently, admiring how he looks in my clothes.
"Thank you for the food, it was lovely." He says politely, picking up his plate and reaching to take my own also. I rise from my own seat as he does, taking the plates off him but silence him with a kiss when he goes to complain. He follows me over to the sick, watching as I wash the dishes and quickly takes them to dry them off before I can do it myself.
As he finishes the last one, I place of my hands on either side of him on the counter, caging him in. He squeaks in alarm, turning in the confined space to look up at me with wide eyes. I keep my eyes lock on his eyes, taking in every shade that runs through the grey colouring of them, watching as he darts his between both of mine. I don't even notice the change in distance between us until I feel his breath ghosting my lips and his hands slipping up from my waist to rest on my chest.
"What is your plan for today?"
"Oh, um, I can leave if I'm taking you away from something..." His eyes trying but failing to not dart from my eyes to my lips.
"Stop trying to figure out some secret meaning behind my words, and answer the question, Sweetheart. What is your plan for today?"
"I... Nothing." He whispers, swallowing loudly while his face slowly blushes.
"Good. Your spending the day with me, and if you have no plans for tomorrow either, you will stay with me until then, how does that sound?"
He hesitates but nods his head, smiling. "That sounds nice."
I barely have let out a pleased 'good' before closing the distance between us, sighing when Revons lips press against my own.
~
"What is this place?"
Revons eyes dart everywhere and anywhere as he takes in the scenery around us. Large green trees standing tall alongside each other, enclosing us within a circular open field full of colourful wildflowers. The view beyond them showing the mass of trees spreading out for miles, rising as they make their way up a hill in the distance. I smile happily at the awe showing on his face as we enter the field after stepping off of the hidden path I lead him down.
"This is somewhere I came a lot when I was younger – with my brother. I haven't been here in many years, but I wanted to share it with you."
I ignore the look he sends my way as I feel my eyes blurring with tears wanting to be let free. I reach out to take his hand in my own, linking our fingers together, sighing as he squeezes my hand in comfort. Leading us over to the other side of the field, I laugh softly at the gasp from Revon knowing it's because he has spotted the wooded cabin hidden from one's view.
Once I place the bag I brought along inside, I eye Revon, watching as he takes in every detail in there, eyes lingering on the family photo perched up on top of the dresser.
"Would you like to spend the night here with me, Sweetheart? You can say no – I will take us back into the city whenever you wish to go back, all you have to do is say –"
My rambling is cut short by soft lips pressing firmly to my own. "I thought I was the nervous rambling one, huh?" He giggles, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. I chuckle and press my lips to his once more, loving the feeling of his body pressed up against my own. "And I would love to stay the night here with you, Babe." He says, pulling a breath away from my lips.
"Come on... I want to show you something."
I take us back into the middle of the field, turning to face Revon who looks around happily. He drops my hand to lean his head back, breathing in the scent of all the mixed flowers and wildlife. "I love this." His eyes meet mine again, happiness shining through.
I smile fondly at him, reaching my hand out for him to take. "Dance with me?"
His eyes widen just as his hand lands in my own. "Dance? But there's no music?" Giggling loudly as I pull him closer to me, wrapping my arms around his waist while his lay on my chest. I kiss his nose lightly and rest my forehead against his own.
"Listen, and you'll hear it."
We sway side to side slowly, eyes boring into each other, no awkwardness in the action, only fondness and joy. The sound of birds singing, the wind blowing through the trees, the odd cricket croaking. A lone tear slips down my cheek as I share this moment, this memory, this space, with the only man I can imagine sharing it with, closing my eyes as his lips kiss it away.
"I care." He whispers.
I open my eyes to see a lone tear fall from his eye also.
"I care."