As I woke from my long awaited sleep I had unfortunately heard Emma halfway shouting to wake the rest of our siblings .
"Morning already?" Phil cried out , dragging the dy part in already .
Yawning and rubbing my eyes slightly I nod my head . "Yeah . The night sure did pass pretty quickly ." I agreed with Phil .
Norman shook his head slightly chuckling at us . "Come on Bon , help us get the younger ones ready for the day ."
I moved from the edge of the bed to stand up and dust my nightgown off . A smile on my face as I gave a quiet alright .
—
Inside of the kitchen I was helping Don and Ray prepare breakfast . I was pretty awake since Emma was a little loud earlier .
In the kitchen it was quite quiet besides Ray humming softly to some tune he had made up I guess . Don was tapping his feet along to the rhythm that Ray was humming , I felt a bit left out but it didn't really matter much . But I was a tad curious so I decided to ask .
"Hey Ray , did you make that up or something ?" He had stopped from mincing the chives .
He looked up at me softly while Don stopped tapping his foot . He gave a small lopsided smile and he had answered. "Ive heard Momma hum it ."
I smiled back in return and Don joined the conversation . "Really ? I've never heard momma hum anything before . She doesn't really do music unless she's playing with the little ones ." He said in a matter of fact manner . And to be quite frank I agreed , but Ray has no reason to lie so it must be true .
As Ray was putting the minced veggies and herbs into the bowl of eggs he started to speak again . "You're right , she normally doesn't ." Don had turned to put the pan of bacon on the stove and I had moved towards the oven to check on the loaves of bread .
Ray continued to stir and he started to pick back up where he left off when we started paying attention again . "But sometimes when someone gets adopted and she leaves to take them you can hear her humming sometimes . She did it with Lao and a couple before him ."
"Oh ." I said softly .
"I've never noticed it really ." I said more to myself then to the both of them .
Ray shrugged his shoulders as he began cooking the last batch of eggs . I had pulled out the bread and began to butter it .
"It's not something that I'd hope you'd notice ." Ray said as I cut the loaf .
—
Sitting outside leaning against a tree far away from the other kids I took a quiet shaky breath .
I look down at my hands as I try to hold back tears . Thinking about it stresses me out to the fullest extent .
Why do I feel so alone ?
I have just about everything I could ever ask for , I have everything I need .
But even with that I always feel like I'm the odd one out .
Gilda has Don . We're the only ten year olds in the whole orphanage but yet , we just don't seem to click that well .
We used to be closer when we were younger but as we grew apart in smarts , we grew apart in mindsets . We just weren't focused on the same things .
As I grew apart for them I tried to find another group to be with .
I tried to be with the oldest kids of this place . Norman , Ray and Emma .
And even though I tried my hardest , it just didn't seem right . We didn't click either .
Even though I had always gotten perfect scores like them , I feel like that's what had driven us apart .
I love to learn but it feels like my love for knowledge is driving us apart .
I cover my face with trembling hands , confused , conflicted and hurt .
I want to be better , I want to do better .
The only one who appreciates me and the things I do is Mama .
Whenever I know I can't do it anymore I go to her . Sometimes she likes to sit with me and she'll hold me tight . She'll tell me that everything is going to be alright and even if I always have the feeling that she's wrong , I'll nod my head in agreement . Only able to pray that she's right .
I want things to feel like they're going to be alright . I want to feel good . I want to be happy , I don't want these random bursts of hurt .
I don't want to feel like I'm the only person in the room filled with children . I want to be happy , and I want everyone to be a happy with me .
I lean my back against the tree as I pick my book about edible wild plants back up .
I breathe a few shallow breaths then I continue reading .
—
"BonBon look !" Phil said excitedly as he jumped from his bed with his cover . He jumped attempting to fly but that didn't work so well .
I caught him right before he hit the ground and we laughed a bit .
I put him down and he smiled up at me . "Won't you be sad when Conny leaves ? I'll miss her a lot ." Says Phil .
I fight the urge to frown slightly , just thinking about her leaving frustrates me . "Yeah . I'll be hurt Phil ."
Phil frowns too . "I'm gonna miss playing with Conny . She's fun ." He says softly .
The normally noisy bedroom was eerily quiet as we all prepared for Conny to leave . Conny came in quietly and shuffled awkwardly around the room a bit before Don broke the silence . "We're gonna miss you a lot , Conny ." He said it with a few tears in his eyes .
Everyone knew Don was close to Conny , always helping her when she needed it . She might've been his favorite sibling , but now she's leaving .
I close my eyes and turn them look out the window . "I hope that when you leave , the family you've been placed with loves you . I hope they love you very much , Conny ." I have to stifle back a sob .
"I hope they give you enough love for all of us . I pray that when you leave you'll be happy , even if it's not with us ." I say .
Emma looks in at me then at Conny then turns her attention back to me again . She looks a little hurt but she smiles it off . "Those were really pretty words , Bon ."
She steps over and gives me a quick hug . I hug her back tightly , not wanting to cry in front of anyone .
As she lets me go I turn away from everyone . I have a headache from keeping the tears in so I move to the door .
Walking out I start to move towards the forest to find a tree to lean on to have time to think .
I don't think I could watch Connie leave up close and personal , I'd rather be able to watch her leave from a distance . Watching her leave to go stay with her new family hurts more than I would've expected .
I don't know why I feel so bad about it . Is it because I'm jealous ?
I shake the thought off , and I stand in front of the fence .
A sudden fear overcomes femme before I take a swift breath in , and hop over . I run towards the gate as fast as I could looking for a good hiding spot .
As I ran I can close to tripping , I had saw something horrendous . "W-what ...?"