As soon as I saw Ashton outside my doorstep, it didn't take long before my tears started pouring down like a damn waterfall.
I hadn't thought he'll appear today seeing as no one reached out to anyone else about writing or going to studio since yesterday even if we all know too well that weekends are for finalizing the tunes we already had. Seems like everyone were too devastated—and I'm not an exception of that dilemma. Ever since I've learned everything from the man itself, it made me angrier than I ever was, with a stupid dash of hope glimmering at the far end of the dark hole that I'm in.
But I sure was ignoring that pull. Who knew what that could do to me.
"He genuinely thought you're in love with the person you treat as a brother? Luke's a smart guy..."
"Academically speaking, he is. But he's all too oblivious like the rest of you." I quip, a tissue right under my nose as I lean over Ashton's chest as he chuckled. We're like this for over an hour now and I appreciate him being here even after I told him everything. He never moved an inch, he never judged nor tell me to get over it. He's just there, and I appreciate it.
"We can't have everything, can we?" He gently taps my back and I snorted. "We can't be gorgeous rockstars without having a tad bit of daftness."
"I'm gonna throw you out, Ashton Irwin. Don't try me."
"I'm kidding!" He pulled me tightly into his chest and I ease into it, reminding me of back then when all four boys would cuddle up with me whenever I'm sad, they would take turns and made sure I get a tight hug—with none of them leaving before I'm fully okay. "Can I ask you a question, Lace?" I hummed. "Would you ever give him a chance?"
I close my eyes. Not wanting to think of the answer for that ridiculous question. "The only chance I could give him is a chance to get back to being civil with him. To being as friends. For the band." My voice trailed off. "But not now."
"You know, Lace? I remember Mom telling us this thing about, if you found the right person? Your love for him will never go away. It would forever be etched into your heart like a damn leech, and no matter how much you try to pull away? Damn fate would make a way for you to feel it again. To pull you towards the oblivion of feelings. That no matter who you have in front of you, the one you feel the greatest for will go above and beyond the rest."
I shook my head in disbelief. "Stop being poetic. I'm sure this is just some puppy love I never got over from."
"Are you just telling yourself that?" I bit my lower lip with the way his tone suggests he already knew the truth I kept on denying.
"I'll... I'll get over it." Right?
*
The weekend passed by and Ashton took the initiative to messaged everyone about going to the studio to finalized the tunes for the first few songs. I managed to hoists myself up from the bed even if my body profoundly refused to do so, and had went earlier than the call time to get my shit together before I saw that vocalist. I wouldn't wanna lose my shit and cry all over the place in front of everyone else, I had to keep it together. Just until the end of the album.
Carrying the notebook on the right hand, and untouched coffee at the other, I pushed the door open and what welcomed me was the sight of Luke Hemmings all bundled up in hoodie and sweatpants, a blanket over his shoulders on the couch and seemed to be into what he's writing. He looked as if he hadn't noticed me entered from the pods at his ears, and his constant sniffing.
I frowned, the studio was at the warmest temperature and I even had to wear a tank together with my jeans from the weather at its best today.
His head turned and hastily, he removed the pods over his ears and seemed to ponder what to tell me when I offered the coffee at my hand. His hands reluctantly accepted it as I continued to urge and went straight to the dashboard after he mumbled a small thank you. I ignored all the other feelings I have, deciding that today isn't the best place and moment to acknowledge them. Gathering all the papers at the board, I compiled all of them and sat right by the other end of the couch.
"Are you sick?" I asked monotonously.
"U-Uh, yesterday. But I'm fine now." With raised brow, I turned to him and judging by his red nose and clothes that seemed to be fit for winter, he's not.
"You should've told Ash you're not. I'm sure he'll understand." I tried reasoning out. I might hate him with much passion, but he's still my friend. Nine years of being best of friends isn't something you'll be able to forget in a year. Much less a day.
"Priorities, Lace." His voice laced in somewhat of a joke and I almost huff in utter disbelief. Is he really telling me those after appearing and disappearing like nothing for over a whole year.
"Can you sing?" I asked, knowing we have all day of testing everything out and that it'll take a huge toll on him if ever. But as he belted one of the high verse in one of their songs, that gave me the answer I need. "Show off."
"Am not."
"Are to."
"Am not."
"Shut it, Hemmings." My hands stopped flipping over the papers and warrant him a glance, him raising both his hands with eyes widen like ping pong balls.
"Shutting up now." I look at him and felt things I never should have. A mixture of utter hate and my softness poking right at the sides. I hate it. I hate this. "You alright?" I just hummed, taking my eyes off of him as I arranged the papers and ignored him completely as if he never existed. As if both our presence makes this whole studio feel so crowded, so suffocating.
It didn't take long before Calum arrived. Glancing over to Luke, and me, and then back to Luke, his eyes asking if I'm alright which I could only reply with a nod as I finally went out of the room. I head over the copy machine and ignored the consecutive beats of my heart, telling myself to get a grip before I slip once again into nothingness.
How could one puppy love turn into something crashing? I have no idea.
I came back and saw all four boys inside the room, with Mikey being the civil one and talking to Luke while the other two set up their equipment. I handed them all the copies needed, setting it right down Calum's keyboard and him pulling me by hand before I could go. "You alright?" The second time he asked the question and the answer I could give him was, 'I'll pull through'.
"Alright, boys." I say, urging Mikey to go over his guitar and... Luke, doing a few vocal practices while heading to the center of the room. He didn't look like he'll last a day but I admire him pushing himself to show just to make it up to the rest of them. That's what matters. "I arranged it from the easiest to complicated." I say, raising the original copy. "For the first one, what's this called Luke?" I asked, and the boys were too amused by me, acknowledging the boy they thought I would forget about. But he's part of the band. I can't ignore him like that. Not now.
"Want You Back." I gulped as I looked over the paper, my eyes threading the lyrics from left to right and ignoring the guttering feeling from it.
"You know what to do." I say, taking a seat at the couch and pulling the side table to write side notes that needed to be changed from it.
I pointed to Calum and he started at the keyboard, pressing on a few notes as Luke started singing the first verse. "Can't help but wondering if this is the last time that I'll see your face..." Mikey started with the rhythm, followed by Calum's bass, and Ashton's beat. While I do the honor of writing whether the tune is too much, or if it lacks the hit. But just judging by the first few notes, Luke did... a really good job. "No matter where I go, I'm always gonna want you back. No matter how long you're gone, I'm always gonna want you back."
"Opinions?" I asked right after they're done, hearing the beat of my heart pounding so hard it drums in my ears.
"We should totally make an acoustic cover of this. The song has really powerful emotions and I almost cried!" Mikey blurted out lime word fart. Fart after fart and we burst into chuckles as he got all flustered.
"We will, Mikey." I say, noting on the paper about our resident video gamer's command.
"What can you say about it?" Luke's voice on the microphone resonated on the studio and I seemed to have been lost for words.
"Well..." I paused, trying my best to avert my gaze somewhere else. It darted into Ashton as he twirled the stick on his hands, giving me an encouraging smile. "It's really good. It has the right dynamics into it, just a little more polishing then we'll be good." He nods, giving me a small smile right after and ignoring another round of fluttering on my stomach. "The second ones by me." They turned the papers and Mikey's eyes bulged.
"Why are you guys making me cry today?"
"You're a softie, Mike." Calum mumbled as we stare at Mikey and his attempts of not acting like a child. "This doesn't have a title." Cal says after turning the page and I shrugged.
"I just thought about it right now." I say, my eyes accidentally going over to the vocalist I intend not to look at. "Lie To Me." I almost mumbled. "And uh—can we try it with Luke first. I'm thinking Calum can enter at the chorus but we'll see." They all nod as Mikey started strumming, the vocalist's eyes set on me while he looks back and forth towards the paper and me. They had to repeat the first verse when Luke almost forgot to sing it.
"I saw you looking brand new overnight. And I caught you looking too, but you didn't look twice." His hold on the paper tightens as his knuckles became white. I almost forgot taking down notes when I was too focused about what's going on inside his head. "You look happy."
"Now I wish we never met, 'cause you're too hard to forget." Because I knew all too well that I only ever had the chance to finish this song by thinking about him. This... song. This song is for him. "I know that you don't but if I ask you if you love me, I hope you lie, lie, lie, lie, lie to me."
"Yeah, I'd like to have Calum in the chorus." I mumbled right after the song, ignoring how it almost made me burst out into tears and run away from this place at once. The rest seemed to have noticed the changed in my voice and Luke had an unexplainable look on his face. As if he's mad or—hurt. Was he? I'm sure he isn't.
After two hours of setting the tunes for the first four songs, we all took a brief break. I'm only happy to see the four of them looking like they're back to normal while I sat at one of the speakers near Mikey's guitar, setting it up at a low volume that wouldn't bother their conversation and started playing this one song by Post. "Tell me that it's all okay. I've been waiting for this all damn day. Call me in the morning tell me how last night went, I'm here but don't count on me to stay..." Four months left. Four more months with the rest of the boys and then I'm gone. I hate to see the pain in their eyes once I disappeared like a ghost.
I say that nine years isn't easy to forget yet I'm going to be leaving like we've been through nothing in a few months. Call me a hypocrite but I didn't want this pain to last forever. I didn't wanna see him anymore, didn't want to face the cruel fate of looking at him and feeling both crashing and burning. Like I've been detracted of such emotions and those left were the limiting thoughts of not having to leave for everyone else. I had to be selfish for once. I had to think of myself just this once.
I have to choose myself. If I won't, I'll lose the chance to do so.