August 17th, 2016
6:00 P.M.
Lauren
It had been a month since Lucy and I had started officially dating, and it couldn't have been going better. I knew how much long distance had sucked in the past, but, for some reason, this time was so different. Maybe it was the fact that our status was solidified, that I was hers and she was mine, or maybe it was simply the fact that Camila was no longer such an obstacle.
Even if still had those uncontrollable, passionate feelings towards the brown eyed girl, our new tour was making it impossible to focus on anything other than that and, when we got the chance, sleeping, of course. Even during our free time, Camila was usually somewhere jamming with the band or talking to her mom. At this point, I barely even saw Camila off stage, and it was definitely making everything easier on me and, hopefully, her.
At this point, there was no way that she didn't know about Lucy and me. Obviously, I hadn't dared talk to her about it, but I had definitely told the other girls and assumed that at least Dinah had informed Camila about it all. Even if they hadn't told her, I was sure she would've figured it out from me constantly leaving to talk on the phone and Skype Lucy whenever I could. I was glad that she had chosen to distance herself instead of confronting me about it. The two of us could definitely use a bit of distance, especially if I really wanted things with Lucy to work out.
"Lauren. There you are." Will's voice appeared behind me.
I turned my body to face him, my back now leaning on the balcony railing. I had been enjoying a quick smoke while I waited for Will to call us back in. Apparently, it was time for another meeting with L.A., and this time they would not rest until Camila was there for it. The rest of us had been waiting around all day for Camila to return from what Will called "an appointment".
"Here I am. Is Camila back?" I responded, extinguishing the cigarette in the ash tray on the railing.
"Nope." he sighed.
"Oh. So what's up?"
"We're just going to have the meeting without her."
"Isn't she the whole point?"
"We'll talk about the point downstairs. Let's go."
"We're seriously just going to let her skip again?"
"Lauren, we'll talk about this downstairs."
Only after muttering some choice words under my breath, I followed Will to one of the hotel conference rooms downstairs. The second I walked in, I realized we were actually two girls short this time.
"Where's Dinah?" I asked as I took a seat next to Ally.
"Still trying to get a hold of Camila." Normani spoke first from Ally's other side at the table.
"Are we going to wait for her or admit that this meeting is just for show?" I directed my question towards Will.
"Excuse me?" Will replied.
"Will, I love you, but what's the point? Why are we even still trying to do this? Is L.A. even here?"
"Yes, he is." a new, yet familiar voice appeared in the doorway.
We all turned to see none other than L.A. Reid escorting Dinah into the room with him, followed by three of our other team members.
"If we're done with the speculations, I'd love for everyone to take a seat so we can get started." L.A. took charge.
Dinah shuffled in, looking dejected as ever, and took the remaining seat next to me while the rest of our team sat around the table, L.A. at the head.
"Camila didn't answer?" I whispered to the Polynesian.
"She did." said Dinah.
"Oh. Well, what'd she say? Is she coming?"
"Does it look like she's coming?"
I simply stared at Dinah, who was avoiding all eye contact with me, baffled by her attitude. It was extremely rare to see her looking so...hopeless. L.A. cleared his throat to snap me out of my concerns.
"Alright, so, not surprisingly, Camila will not be able to join us today." he began.
"So, why are we here? I'm pretty sure the four of us have nothing to talk about." I chimed in immediately, wanting nothing more than to get Dinah out of that room.
"Lauren, please. Not today."
"L.A., man, I'm tired of the bullshit."
"We're here to discuss the future of Fifth Harmony as a foursome."
Well, that definitely shut me up. It wasn't like it was anything new, it was just that no one had actually dared to say it out loud yet. I looked over at Dinah to gage her reaction, but the girl was simply staring down at her perfectly manicured nails tapping lightly on the table surface.
"Wait, really?" Ally spoke up, her voice dripping with confusion.
"I thought she was going to finish the tour with us." Normani joined the conversation.
"She is." Will replied adamantly, staring L.A. down in the process.
L.A. seemed to sense Will's eyes on him and so he slowly turned to look at our tour manager.
"She is.", L.A. confirmed, "However, the tour will be coming to an end soon. We need to start thinking ahead, just like Camila is."
"Where is she today, anyway? Like, how is this fair? Obviously, she's not going to be a part of this in the future but she should be here now and we definitely shouldn't be having this meeting without her." I found my voice again.
"I agree, L.A.", Will spoke up again, "This doesn't seem right. We should wait for her."
"Will, I am a busy man.", L.A. countered, "And you are all busy people. I can't be showing up to wherever you guys are every single day. She chose to be absent, and so she will be."
"Why are you so cool with this?", I heard my voice rising, "I mean, she's still under some sort of obligation, right? She's still touring with us so she should be at our fucking meetings. You should have the power to make that happen."
"Lauren, I told you. Don't test me. Not today."
"I just--"
I cut myself off when I heard Dinah mutter something under her breath. I turned to look at her, eager to hear what she had to say.
"Did you say something?" I asked her, willing myself to calm down a bit.
Dinah finally met my gaze and I could see why she was refusing to look me in the eye before. She knew how much I hated seeing her cry. The Polynesian's eyes were filled to the brim with tears just waiting to fall. She looked back down at her hands on the table and cleared her throat.
"I said,", she began with a shaky voice, "So we're really just giving up?"
With that last word, her eyes flew upward again, this time in L.A.'s direction. I wasn't even the one she was looking at and yet her gaze petrified me all the same. Dinah was really hurting and it was breaking my heart.
"Dinah...", L.A. began, but it was clear that he had no idea what he was going to say next.
"Look", I took over again, "I understand the four of us being sad and helpless. We clearly haven't had much say in anything over the past few years, which, by the way, is going to change soon, but what I don't get is how you and Simon and everyone else can stand there and just let this happen. You really expect us to sit here and believe that you're doing all that you can?"
"Camila is a human being, Lauren. She makes her own decisions."
"Oh, so now we're human? Now, when it's convenient for your agenda, we're not just products?"
"Lauren--"
"You know what I think? I think that you all fucking saw this coming. I don't know what sick, twisted game you're playing or what your motive is, but I know that something is wrong here, man. I couldn't give a shit whether or not we go on with or without Camila at this point but the bullshit that you put us through for four fucking years led us to this point and it ends here. I--"
"Lauren." Ally interrupted, placing a hand on my shoulder.
I hadn't even noticed it, but I had slowly risen out of my seat. My palms were flattened out on the table, my knuckles turning white from the pressure. I looked around the now silent room to see everyone simply staring at me with fear in their eyes. That was the first time that I had lost my temper in months. I was even scaring myself, but I couldn't control it when L.A. spoke up again.
"I think it's safe to say that we should reschedule this meeting." he said.
"Yeah, with all five of us sitting in these fucking seats. You're either getting three or five, so make sure you get your shit together." I spat as I pushed my seat out from behind me.
Without stopping to hear what he had to say in response, I turned and fled from the room, not wanting to deal with anyone in that moment. As I raced towards the elevator and pressed the button to take me to our floor, I let my thoughts run wild.
Everything that I had just said was really hitting me for the first time. If they were able to control us for so long, why was it so easy for Camila to break away? Why could she conveniently skip every meeting that was crucial to the future of our group? Why was L.A. so...eager to move forward? Part of me felt like suspecting them of planning this all was absolutely ridiculous, but the other part of me questioned whether it was actually a possibility or not...
"Lauren!" I heard as soon as the elevator doors began closing.
I looked up to see none other than Ally sticking her small hand into the diminishing gap in an attempt to stop the elevator. As little as I wanted to talk to anyone, I wasn't going to let her hand get crushed, so I sprung forward and hit the door open button just before watching the doors separate again. Ally's body came into full view and soon joined me in the small box.
For the first few seconds, while we waited for the doors to close again, we simply stared at each other. I was in full defense mode: arms crossed, shooting daggers through my eyes; but her expression looked so sad and concerned that I had to let my guard down a bit. She spoke the second the elevator began to rise.
"What was that?" she practically whispered.
"That was me finally sticking up for us, Ally." I argued.
"Lauren, you stick up for us every second of every day. That was just a little short of crazy."
"Crazy?", I asked as I stepped closer to her, "What's crazy is this whole bullshit situation, Ally. Just think about everything that we've been through, everything that they've put us through. We're overworked, under-appreciated, and there's always been something driving Camila away. They don't do shit to fix any of it."
"It's not their job to 'fix' Camila. She wants to leave, that's that."
"She didn't always want to leave."
"I mean, obviously not. In the beginning everything was so carefree and easy. We were young, we were excited. That doesn't last forever."
"I know, Ally, but if they weren't so fucking dramatic about the whole Camren shit or--"
"They didn't start Camren. You did. The two of you, on your own."
For some reason, Ally's words caught me by surprise. I was stunned into silence although I knew that what she was saying was true. Suddenly, the elevator doors opened to let us out onto our floor and Ally continued as we walked out.
"You fell in love, Lauren. No one could make that happen except for you and Camila."
"I didn't say they caused it, I'm saying that they made it so fucking difficult. I start to wonder if they would've reacted as harshly if it happened between anyone else other than Camila and me."
"What do you mean?"
With that, I stopped Ally and forced her to look me in the eyes. I needed her to really listen to the revelation that I had just come up with.
"You remember Camila's 18th birthday? When Greg threatened me to stay away from her?" I began.
"Um...I think so? I feel like that happened a lot."
"Ok, well, whatever. The point is that he kept saying a lot of cryptic things, as if he knew what was going to happen..."
"Listen, we didn't expect anyone to idiotically start chasing after another group member, that wasn't in the cards for Fifth Harmony. But now that you've started this nonsense, we have no choice but to guide you in the right direction. Trust me when I say it won't end well if you continue to disobey us like this."
"...And he continued to say some bullshit about Camila being a star and that she needed to shine bright on her own. That's how most of them acted the entire time! Like, why would it be such a huge issue for us to be together, really? Think about it, Ally. What the fuck was the big deal? It's fucking 2016 and nobody gives that much of a shit anymore, especially not our fans. So, they were driving us apart because they needed Camila to leave. They knew she was going to. It happened way too easily, Ally."
"Lauren, this sounds ridiculous."
"No, Ally, if it weren't for them and their bullshit she wouldn't be leaving and she and I could be together!"
Ally's eyes widened. I simply stared back at her, realizing the gravity of what I had just said.
"I mean...", I attempted, "I mean, we could've been if..."
"Lauren.", Ally reached out and put her hands on my shoulders, "Breathe, sweetie. I know what you meant and I get what you're saying...but it just seems a little farfetched, don't you think? You should probably get some rest, maybe go talk to Lucy."
"Yeah.", I let out with a deep breath, "You're right. I'm just going to go cool down in my room."
"Just think...once you let go of this we can start moving on. Like L.A. said...as a foursome."
"You're really ready for that?"
"Of course not. But it looks like we're going to have to be."
"Ally...did you see Dinah's face, though?"
"I know, honey, I know. We're really going to have to be there for each other once all of this goes down. I just think that we've reached a point where holding on is only going to hurt more."
"I guess so..."
................................................................
6:30 P.M.
Camila
I heard muffled voices as I waited for the elevator doors to open, causing my heart to sink. There was no way I was ready to talk to anybody right now. Roger had gotten me out of yet another L.A. meeting by somehow ensuring that I didn't even know it was happening. I wanted to continue to trust him, and I did when it came down to what was best for me, but when he pulled stunts like this it made me question his integrity. I remember walking out of the recording booth earlier to find my phone...
"Rogerino, you invading my privacy, man?" I asked my manager as I watched him set my phone down on the table where I had left it.
"Of course not. Dinah called so I just told her that you couldn't talk." he replied cooly.
"Wow, I have people answering my phones now? I've hit the big leagues."
"Yeah, yeah. Don't get too excited there. I haven't been reduced to secretary just yet."
"You'll get there soon, buddy, just keep dreaming."
Roger rolled his eyes at me and patted me on the back as he handed my phone back to me. As he started walking away, I looked down at the screen to see a message from our new guitarist, Ashley, pop up. Ashley and I had been getting along so well since tour had started and she was really teaching me a lot of new skills on guitar. I smiled at the sight of her name, but her message invoked a different reaction in me.
"Roger?" I called out to him before he got too far away.
"What's up, C?" he asked as he turned to face me again.
"Why did I just get a text from Ashley saying 'Girl, what's so important you gotta miss an L.A. Reid meeting for?'?"
Roger stared back at me with a blank expression. He smoothed out his blazer before approaching me again.
"Oh right. That." he simply replied.
"What's going on?" I asked, setting my phone down the table.
"You had to miss another meeting. That's all."
"That's all? Were you even going to tell me? How did I not hear about this?"
"Camila, you had more important things to tend to. You had a great time here today, right?"
He had a point. I had spent the entire day recording for the rap song that Roger had talked to me about months earlier. At first, I honestly wasn't a huge fan of Machine Gun Kelly, just because I hadn't listened to his music much, but, after meeting him and getting to know some of his music more, I was so excited to be working with him. I loved how passionate he was about his lyrics and the way he dove into the creative process. Watching him play around with different words and emotions really inspired me and got me thinking about how different my writing process was from his. It was exciting to see how other people got their feelings down on paper.
(Posted August 17th, 2016 ^^)
"I did, Roger, but--"
"Exactly. Imagine if you had turned down this session. It's hard enough getting a hold of you on tour but even harder when you're trying to collaborate with someone else who's working on his own album right now, too. You understand why I couldn't pass up this opportunity as your manager, right?"
"I understand that. I just don't understand why you had to keep this from me."
"What was the point in telling you? All it was going to do was worry you, just like it is right now."
"Well, yeah, Roger, because I don't want them to hate me. I don't want to go out on a bad note."
"Camila, you're going out on a high note. No looking back, alright?"
"But I'm still a part of the group...I mean...kind of..."
"I'm sure if whatever was discussed was really important, they'll inform you when we get back."
"I'm surprised they even let this happen again."
"Trust me, it wasn't that hard. They understand. We're all at a point where we've reached a certain agreement. You need to understand that this is what's best for everyone."
"I don't think the girls understand it. I'm not sure I entirely do yet, either."
"You will, Camila. You will. I've told you before and I'll tell you again: just trust me."
"Well I've told you before that I don't like being surprised or lied to. I want everything out in the open."
Which was probably why I found myself getting even more angry at Lauren by the second. With every day that went by that she didn't tell me about her and Lucy, I got even more frustrated. I understood that she had no obligation to tell me and that she was probably just trying to spare my feelings, but it still hurt and it still made me feel stupid. Not only had she moved on ridiculously fast, but she also implied that I was too dumb to put the pieces together. If only she had known that I had literally heard the way she had talked about me to Lucy. If only she knew how much I actually knew...
And yet, I was still clueless. I still couldn't understand how she could turn off her feelings for me so easily, how she could just dump me not just in the romantic sense, but in the person sense, too. We were strangers again, but this time was different. This time it seemed like there was no hope, no intentions of mending the relationship again; almost as if there was no point. Lauren didn't care anymore and it was driving me absolutely insane.
The elevator doors finally opened and I saw none other than the green eyed beauty who had so much control over my emotions. Lauren and I made brief eye contact before she looked down at the ground and prompted Ally to turn and look at me instead. I stared back at the short girl, wondering who was going to speak first as I approached the pair.
"Hey." Ally simply stated.
"Hi." I answered, not sure what to say.
My eyes darted back and forth between Ally and Lauren, the latter practically refusing to look at me for more than a split second.
"So, um...what did you guys do today?" I tried.
With that, Lauren released a deep sigh and finally looked up at me.
"Can you just come to one meeting? For Dinah's sake?" she pleaded.
Her first words were not what I expected at all. This was the first time Lauren had confronted me about anything other than something trivial like the fucking weather in weeks. Plus, 'For Dinah's sake'? What was going on with her? And was she really the only one that cared I wasn't there? Clearly, Lauren didn't mind.
"I didn't know there was a meeting." I contested.
"You're kidding." she scoffed.
"No, I'm serious. I just found out like half an hour ago."
"Well, then where were you all day?" Ally asked.
"Um...well...I was just..."
"It's ok. You don't have to tell us." Lauren interrupted.
"No, I want to, it's just...this doesn't seem like the right time."
"Just go talk to Dinah or something. I'm gonna go lay down. Massive headache."
"Lauren."
My feeble attempt to stop her was futile. She turned around and started walking down the hall without another word. Ally and I were left alone, unsure of what to say or do.
"Don't worry about her. You know how she can be. She's just in one of her moods." Ally tried to comfort me.
"Ally, I really didn't know about the meeting. You believe me, right? I want to be there, I just..."
"Don't see the point?"
My eyes widened at her bold statement.
"N-no. I...", I stuttered.
"I mean, I'm not saying this in a bad way, but, we don't really either." she continued.
"That's not what I was going to say, though."
"I know. It's ok, though. Camila, we all just want to move on. It's clear that you are, so--"
"Ally, I'm not trying to make it come off that way. I want to finish out strong. You know I'm giving 100% in every single show."
"I know you are. You always do amazing.", Ally took my hand in hers, "It's not just about the shows and the fans, though. It's about us, too. It's about...Dinah."
"What's going on with Dinah? Why are both of you saying that?"
"She's just having a hard time letting this all happen. I mean, we all are but we're handling it better than she is. You know she adores you."
"I adore her, too. Me leaving isn't a reflection on how I feel about you guys." I emphasized my words with a light squeeze of Ally's hand.
"Just remind her of that. Talk to her, Camila. She needs it."
"I will. Ally, I'm sorry."
"It's ok. Come here."
With that, our hands disconnected only to bring our entire bodies together in a warm embrace. It had been a while since I had felt so much affection from someone other than my mom, especially Ally. She was always too sweet to be mean to me, but she was never particularly nice to me either, so this was definitely a welcome conversation. I was so glad that she had been a part of this ride, even though I hadn't really noticed her importance a lot of the time.
In that moment, I was so grateful for the short girl's head on my shoulder, her arms around my waist and her little heartbeat on my chest. I didn't want this to go down in flames. I was sick of letting the label control how each and every single thing happened. This goodbye needed to be mine. It needed to be ours.
Little did I know that it would be far from what I had hoped for...